LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Familial > Family

Am I too sensitive?


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

Old 11th November 2008, 11:52 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 14
Am I too sensitive?

My mother has said things in the past to me that have stuck with me and I want someone's opinion.

It appears that she plants seeds of worry in me, mind games, control by manipulation

I am an only child now; brother killed in a car wreck, parents divorced shortly after that.

She tells me that a doctor has told her that I was the reason that she wan't getting any better emotionally frm the loss of my brother.

She has made comments in the past about things that are not really joking or serious comments but somewhere in between. For example, when she heard about a child that she knew who was abused by a mom's boyfriend and then died, she made a point when I saw her at her house to ask for my son so she could check him for bruises. this really hurt my feelings.

My husband, going on a fishing trip and she was suspisious of why he would iron his shirt for a fishing tournament. She said why would he do that do you think maybe he would........no, I don't think he would ever do that to you.

Can someone give me their opinion of these things and tell me why she acts this way towards me.
Carol Webb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th November 2008, 8:49 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Mary3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sunny South Carolina
Posts: 6,122
Thumbs down

Your mom sounds like the beginning stages of mental illness.

Its a horrible tragedy that your brother was killed and of course you mom would be intensely hurt. But she seems to be blaming you for this. There is NO way you could have prevented his death.

Your mom is going over the edge being mean to you. I would distance myself from her as much as possible. Talk to your family doctor regarding getting her some professional counseling.

She spreads seeds of cheating , fear and abuse. She needs help.
__________________
__________________

I don't know alot of women who sit around saying " God I hate men. I would love to rub their testicles in honey and feed them to the ants. " mary3
Mary3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th November 2008, 8:59 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Almost at the beach!
Posts: 17,558
Mental illness? That would mean most of my family is mentally ill by your definition!

Look, I have the same sort of problem with my mother and she had it with hers.

It took me many, many years to not let her "get" to me. You must let it just roll off your back. You're an adult now. And granted I do occasionally let it get under my skin and I wished I had a "normal" mother (whatever that is) for the most part I don't let it get to me.

I respond saying something like "that's your opinion and frankly, I didn't ask for it." Or something along those lines.

Remember you're an adult now. Don't let her get to you that way. If she starts in, the way mine does, I say "this is where I make my exit." I don't reward her with my company. When she decides to be nice and civil I'm always available to talk to her again.

Trust me, I feel for you. Your mother is obviously not a happy person. Dont' allow her to bring you down with her. You're in control.
Touche is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th November 2008, 9:26 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 18
I Feel You!

My mother is the same way. I have distanced myself from her completely. I'm grown now and she can't control what I do nor say. When she's ready which isn't often at all I will speak with her but I treat her the same way she treats me.

Don't let her being miserable and unhappy fall on you and disrupt your household. Tragedies happen and I'm so sorry but it's not your fault and believe it or not if you don't break the cycle it's a chance whether you want to believe it or not that you may do it to your own child unintentionally.

Break the cycle love her from a distance!
hollywood3453 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2008, 3:53 PM   #5
Eve
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,904
Journal Entries: 8
It sounds as though your Mother is lonely.

I would not cancel out the idea that your Mother is at the start of problems with her mental health.. after all mental illness is a form of communication. I say this mainly because of the statement regarding the 'Doctor' saying that you are the reason why your Mother is not 'getting well'. This sounds so dubious.. not in line with any normal medical practise and may be your mothers cloudy interpretation of events.

I would not try and build a defense against your mother in wordly terms as suggested above because this could exaserbate your situation - each to his own I suppose! If you are genuinely concerned then maybe you could call/visit your Mothers GP and have a quiet word about any behaviours you are concerned with? Maybe also find groups which she could become involved in to ease any loneliness?

I am sorry about your loss and must admit that I have no real experience of such a thing. Grief counselling can help but I am unsure if your Mother is open to her feelings right now (?) Would she react well to you making her an appointment to speak with someone rather than letting her make the decision? Many people have reservations about counselling until they get there!!!

To me, it does sound as though she has been very hurt and cannot process her feelings. Your child has become another worry to her rather than who he actually is.

Eve xx
Eve is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2008, 7:09 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carol Webb View Post
My mother has said things in the past to me that have stuck with me and I want someone's opinion.

It appears that she plants seeds of worry in me, mind games, control by manipulation

I am an only child now; brother killed in a car wreck, parents divorced shortly after that.
I don't exactly feel your mum is manipulative. She is using her own way to persuade you and to warn you, probably she or someone she knows has experienced some of the symptoms before.

If she told it to you directly what she suspects of your hubby (being unfaithful), would you have taken her words seriously?

But in all fairness, I do not know your mum. You know her the best! (There are 2 sides to every coin - so try to look at things from all perspective.)

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 13th November 2008 at 7:37 PM.. Reason: off-topic comment.
myqutie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2008, 8:33 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Mary3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sunny South Carolina
Posts: 6,122
Thumbs down

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carol Webb View Post
My mother has said things in the past to me that have stuck with me and I want someone's opinion.

It appears that she plants seeds of worry in me, mind games, control by manipulation

I am an only child now; brother killed in a car wreck, parents divorced shortly after that.

She tells me that a doctor has told her that I was the reason that she wan't getting any better emotionally frm the loss of my brother.
She has made comments in the past about things that are not really joking or serious comments but somewhere in between. For example, when she heard about a child that she knew who was abused by a mom's boyfriend and then died, she made a point when I saw her at her house to ask for my son so she could check him for bruises. this really hurt my feelings.
My husband, going on a fishing trip and she was suspisious of why he would iron his shirt for a fishing tournament. She said why would he do that do you think maybe he would........no, I don't think he would ever do that to you.Can someone give me their opinion of these things and tell me why she acts this way towards me.
Those comments are cruel and uncalled for not to mention UNTRUE !

Its NOT normal for a mom to act like that. Its not , not !

Your mom grieves the loss of her son , your brother.

Had you been in the direct line of a bullet you shot out of a gun and accidentally caused the death of your brother , I could then see her maybe having a little harder time of his death , somehow putting you in the blame path.

But you had no connection AT ALL to what happened to him, Your mom is not thinking rationally and needs to get therapy. ASAP
Mary3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2008, 12:54 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Touche View Post
Mental illness? That would mean most of my family is mentally ill by your definition!

Look, I have the same sort of problem with my mother and she had it with hers.

It took me many, many years to not let her "get" to me. You must let it just roll off your back. You're an adult now. And granted I do occasionally let it get under my skin and I wished I had a "normal" mother (whatever that is) for the most part I don't let it get to me.

I respond saying something like "that's your opinion and frankly, I didn't ask for it." Or something along those lines.

Remember you're an adult now. Don't let her get to you that way. If she starts in, the way mine does, I say "this is where I make my exit." I don't reward her with my company. When she decides to be nice and civil I'm always available to talk to her again.

Trust me, I feel for you. Your mother is obviously not a happy person. Dont' allow her to bring you down with her. You're in control.
Since I posted this thread I went ahead and sought counseling. It's funny that you say what you did because that is what the psychologist said. She basically said that what is in the past is in the past whatever it is and that I am giving my mother my power and I am letting her have control. She said that what I should do is set boundaries with my mom and when she starts "misbehaving" then I should say "mom, I'm not going there or whatever to let her know to stop whatever it is that she is doing." Then go on and say what the consequence will be if she doesn't which would be not going around her if she chooses to continue to misbehave.

I think that I have done some of this but just needed reinforcements that I was not being selfish. The last comment that my mom made was that she said she looked around my house and did not see one picture of my brother. It literally stabbed me for her to say that, I responded with "in my opinion you have too many." Because she does, it has been 25 years since my brother died and her house is a shrine, She has mental memorials on his birthday, day that he died, birthday parties anything else that she ties him to. which don't get me wrong it is normal in a sense to be sad on this days, but she requires my dad to have a solumn day as well especially on his birtday and to dwell the whole day on it and sends me flowers on that day.

She makes sure my kids are aware of things in her house there were their uncles.

My son came home one night and was feeling guilty and cried because he was sad for my mom and dad because they don't have a son anymore.

There is so much more to tell 25 years worth, I guess turning 40 I've had enought of the sh....t

The deal with my husband, even if she would have came right out and asked me, I would have said no....you can't even know how this would be so not his character.

I even get the feeling that she is jealous of my happiness or maybe resentful because maybe in a way she was cheated out of a life that mine has become.

I catch her watching me sometimes when I finally try and relax with my family and smile and be happy, it is almost like stuff is going on in her brain about me, even though she is smiling.....does that make since it is like the wheels are turning and the total focus of her thoughts are me in an obsessive way.
Carol Webb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2008, 12:56 PM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 14
Since I posted this thread I went ahead and sought counseling. It's funny that you say what you did because that is what the psychologist said. She basically said that what is in the past is in the past whatever it is and that I am giving my mother my power and I am letting her have control. She said that what I should do is set boundaries with my mom and when she starts "misbehaving" then I should say "mom, I'm not going there or whatever to let her know to stop whatever it is that she is doing." Then go on and say what the consequence will be if she doesn't which would be not going around her if she chooses to continue to misbehave.

I think that I have done some of this but just needed reinforcements that I was not being selfish. The last comment that my mom made was that she said she looked around my house and did not see one picture of my brother. It literally stabbed me for her to say that, I responded with "in my opinion you have too many." Because she does, it has been 25 years since my brother died and her house is a shrine, She has mental memorials on his birthday, day that he died, birthday parties anything else that she ties him to. which don't get me wrong it is normal in a sense to be sad on this days, but she requires my dad to have a solumn day as well especially on his birtday and to dwell the whole day on it and sends me flowers on that day.

She makes sure my kids are aware of things in her house there were their uncles.

My son came home one night and was feeling guilty and cried because he was sad for my mom and dad because they don't have a son anymore.

There is so much more to tell 25 years worth, I guess turning 40 I've had enought of the sh....t

The deal with my husband, even if she would have came right out and asked me, I would have said no....you can't even know how this would be so not his character.

I even get the feeling that she is jealous of my happiness or maybe resentful because maybe in a way she was cheated out of a life that mine has become.

I catch her watching me sometimes when I finally try and relax with my family and smile and be happy, it is almost like stuff is going on in her brain about me, even though she is smiling.....does that make since it is like the wheels are turning and the total focus of her thoughts are me in an obsessive way.
Carol Webb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2008, 1:03 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 14
Obviously, I'm new to this posting chat stuff, I have sen't a reply twice...sorry. Am i doing this right it I want to keep the conversation going?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Carol Webb View Post
Since I posted this thread I went ahead and sought counseling. It's funny that you say what you did because that is what the psychologist said. She basically said that what is in the past is in the past whatever it is and that I am giving my mother my power and I am letting her have control. She said that what I should do is set boundaries with my mom and when she starts "misbehaving" then I should say "mom, I'm not going there or whatever to let her know to stop whatever it is that she is doing." Then go on and say what the consequence will be if she doesn't which would be not going around her if she chooses to continue to misbehave.

I think that I have done some of this but just needed reinforcements that I was not being selfish. The last comment that my mom made was that she said she looked around my house and did not see one picture of my brother. It literally stabbed me for her to say that, I responded with "in my opinion you have too many." Because she does, it has been 25 years since my brother died and her house is a shrine, She has mental memorials on his birthday, day that he died, birthday parties anything else that she ties him to. which don't get me wrong it is normal in a sense to be sad on this days, but she requires my dad to have a solumn day as well especially on his birtday and to dwell the whole day on it and sends me flowers on that day.

She makes sure my kids are aware of things in her house there were their uncles.

My son came home one night and was feeling guilty and cried because he was sad for my mom and dad because they don't have a son anymore.

There is so much more to tell 25 years worth, I guess turning 40 I've had enought of the sh....t

The deal with my husband, even if she would have came right out and asked me, I would have said no....you can't even know how this would be so not his character.

I even get the feeling that she is jealous of my happiness or maybe resentful because maybe in a way she was cheated out of a life that mine has become.

I catch her watching me sometimes when I finally try and relax with my family and smile and be happy, it is almost like stuff is going on in her brain about me, even though she is smiling.....does that make since it is like the wheels are turning and the total focus of her thoughts are me in an obsessive way.
Carol Webb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2008, 1:10 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 13,840
Journal Entries: 1
Oh how I can relate. I'm learning that my mother is anxiety driven and that since she's centered most of her life on my sister and me, we then end up being her constant source of anxiety. It goes from : "Have you paid your bills?" to "Your boyfriend doesn't love you".

I can even tell when she is in a dark mood, looking for something to worry about. (Foiled her on the last: "so, have you started working on your presentation yet?" answer "yeah, I finished it yesterday". She was literally stomped... I think she believes sharing anxiety is a way to bond..) The best thing to do when she gets into anxiety mood is to distance myself (much like Touche and your psy suggested). It's hard to ignore those comments though. I'm an adult, I've been paying my bills for years, I've made it to the PhD level, I know how to take care of myself. According to her, she means well and is only trying to have a conversation with her daughters. Plus, when I distance myself, then she starts accusing me of not caring/loving her, of being an ungrateful child and that she has failed me because apparently I lack common empathy. (I'm a PhD student with tons of friends and involved in many volunteer organizations! How exactly did she fail?)

Oof, now I'm ranting. But I guess I try to recognize her anxiety as her issues, and recognize that they say nothing about me, who I am, and my capacity to run my life.
Kamille is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2008, 9:02 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Mary3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sunny South Carolina
Posts: 6,122
Wink

Wow ! This has been going on for 25 years ?? I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of this for so long. I think counseling of your own will be of great help

Keep us posted !
Mary3 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
She's soooo sensitive...too sensitive beave Breaks and Breaking Up 52 14th March 2007 4:19 PM
Am i just being sensitive? noxnoctisangela Long-Distance Relationships 10 4th March 2007 2:52 PM
am i being too sensitive? steenerz General Relationship Discussion 2 23rd September 2005 2:47 PM
Am I too sensitive? beyondweb Second Chances 7 29th June 2004 11:46 PM
Is he too sensitive?? LisiEeyore Dating 3 24th May 2004 9:48 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:08 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.