Should I make up with my mother?

[aquabat]

Hey..

 

So, hm. To make a long story as short as possible..

 

My parents divorced when I was eleven. My mom had always been kind of.. childish? I guess? My Dad was the parental body. I remember her using a baby voice when she spoke to me and my little brother when my Dad was around, sometimes. It was weird. But, anyway.

 

My Dad worked as a log scaler from highschool onward and had no education -- logging was pretty much his sole livelihood, and we weren't exactly what you'd call wealthy. At the time, most mills in California were being shut down one by one. Thus, we ended up moving alot. When the mill where we'd been living for 5 years or so shut down, he told my mom we'd be needing to move north. She adamantly refused, and told him that if he moved, she wouldn't be going with him. He sort of had to go, moved by himself -- the plan was to go up, secure a house and what not, then the family would follow. My mom chose not to in the end, filed for divorce on my 11th birthday.

 

From then on for about a year, every day but the weekends I had to sleep in the same bed as her because she was lonely. Nothing weird happened. I just had to sleep in there or she'd be afraid at night. I became the somebody she could lean on. When she'd be crying and lonely, she'd call me in from whatever I was doing (homework, playing, anything) to cry on me. I don't blame her for any of this, though.. she had a hard time, and had nobody else around at that time.

 

She then married a guy that abused my little brother physically for 4 years. We told her about it. She claimed we were attention seeking and just didn't want her to be happy, or that we didn't like Joe (the step-father in question) and were trying to sabotage him. In the end, he started pushing her around physically when they'd fight as well, so she divorced him, apologized in hysterics for not believing us, and he was out of the picture for awhile. I became the leaning post again. I recall her telling me the day he left, while sobbing, that he'd spent their whole final night together trying to have sex with her, and that she needed me to tell her she'd made the right decision in not doing so. Like.. hm. Crying that she wished she had slept with him to say goodbye. There is no option to say you're uncomfortable with something, when it comes to my mom. I recall this as one of my most horrifying moments, despite that it was pretty tame compared to others. At the time I was just uncomfortable. In retrospect I'm not really even sure why it freaked me out so much.

 

Throughout my early teenaged years, once I started showing signs of developing a personality and will of my own, especially after she got back together with Joe a year or so later, she would take me out for car rides and go ballistic. The doors would be locked, the radio turned off, and she would scream at me until I cried (no matter how long or how many laps around the town that took), mock me for crying, then we'd go home to pretend like nothing happened. Every now and again she'd apologize, but it never stopped her from doing it again the next time she had the urge.

 

She got rid of Joe again after 6 months or so.

 

For awhile, I was sent to counselors for psychological care. One of the counselors wanted to meet with me and my mom together, which we did for awhile. In the end, the counselor told my mom in more delicate terms that the problems lay with her, and that she needed to do a few things to maintain any kind of healthy relationship with her daughter. My mom agreed, cried a whole bunch, then a week later was screaming at me on one of the notorious car-rides that I could tell my counselor "whatever the **** I wanted", she didn't care, and the problems all stemmed from me and my selfish attitude.

 

She married again when I was 16 to my boyfriend's dad. Me and the boyfriend were required to break things off, as living together wouldn't have been appropriate. They split six months later when she came out of her room (where they'd been fighting) and claimed to me and my little brother that he'd been beating her and threatening her with a shotgun. I called 911, told the police, and they arrested him. He told us all to get out. She has told everyone since that I caused the split by lying to the police -- has told everyone in our family and circle of close family friends that I crave drama and did it to spite Tim for upsetting her. This includes my little brother. He was 9, I don't even know if he remembers what happened.

 

A couple months later she sent me to my Dad's house for Christmas. The night before I was supposed to come home, she told me via phone that I wouldn't be coming home. My little brother left to go home, and I was enrolled in highschool at my Dad's. I found out after the fact that she was getting back together with the husband I'd had arrested and that my presence wasn't going to fit into the equasion.

 

At 17 I moved out of my dad's house and into a studio apartment not far away. I finished highschool by homeschooling. At 19 I moved in with my then boyfriend, then my mom started calling, wanting me to head back to where she was and live with her. Me and the boyfriend did so, and worked while we were there till we could get a place of our own.

 

This is where things get kind of weird to explain. I had a group of internet friends that I'd met through an online game. We were all very close. I referred to one of them as a second-mother, and we'd met up in real life a few times. My mother was falling into a lonely depression. I introduced her to them, and she fit in very well. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 19. When I would go to see her, she would repeat, over and over, my lack of worth, what a poor job I was doing as a daughter, what an embarassment I was, and that I was a failure. After awhile, despite that she was sick, I couldn't see her very often anymore. It was kind of too much.

 

She had a friend come out, a male of about 31 or so, to see her while she was going through chemotherapy, and asked me (still 19 at the time) to see to him while she was in the hospital for a treatment. He bought a bunch of alcohol for himself. My mother ended up having to stay in the hospital overnight due to an allergic reaction, and asked me to stay at her house so her guest wouldn't be alone. Long story short, I had alcohol for the second time in my life and woke up with her friend on top of me with a hand doing some exploring. I pushed him off and drove home fairly scared, still intoxicated.

 

The next day she called me at home, asked what it was like to 'kiss him,' and hung up. We spoke about it the day after, and I told her what had actually happened. She just snorted a bit. I don't know if she believed it and still don't.

 

I checked in with my group of online pals, and none of them were speaking to me. I was called a whore, a slut, and had no idea why for a long time. I eventually confided in my mom about what as going on and my confusion -- She'd been acting pretty much normal. She just grinned at me and said, verbatim, "Maybe I agree." and threw me out of her house.

 

I found out years later that she had told them that I deliberately chose to go her home while she was going to be stuck in the hospital, slept with her friend (who she claimed she had a crush on, and that I knew about it), and drove home drunk to avoid having to face her. No wonder they didn't speak to me anymore. My mother treated the situation like she'd won some kind of 'battle' against me for the loyalty of those friends.

 

I packed all my belongings into my car about two weeks later and drove off, and settled in another state. When I could, I tried to be there for her through the internet and phone while she was going through the rest of her treatments.

 

Five years later she begged me to come back home, and told me that she'd put me through college if I did. The plan was outlined for where I would be able to go and everything. I was incredibly thrilled, as no offer like that had ever really been offered to me in such concrete terms. I arrived, worked for awhile, and no mention of my going to school was ever brought up.

 

I was laid off my job (which had been pretty short-lived anyway -- just a few weeks), and she started in about how I had let down my side of the 'deal' in moving out there. This was about 3 months ago. I'm not willing to blame the whole thing on the economy, but I was working as a housekeeper at a bed and breakfast -- nobody was renting rooms, so there was nothing for me to come in and clean. I couldn't really affect being laid off, and was actively and openly seeking employment elsewhere. It was never enough. Every couple weeks she'd demand I come into the living room, bring in the rest of the family, then detail that I'm a 24 year old loser who doesn't want to work or go to school, and attempt to force me to 'explain myself' for all to hear. She also began using throwing me out (I had nowhere else to go, and had no employment to even save money to find someplace, which she was well aware of) as a weapon. Something to threaten me with on a whim.

 

While I was there, I meticulously cleaned the house even when I was working. She never had to wash a dish in the house while I lived there, never had to feed her dogs, never had to pick up a cluttered room. I tried to make things as comfortable as I could to make up for not having a job, and everyone else in the house seemed to notice, even if she didn't.

 

Her Fox Terrier was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I first arrived. She mentioned with a sweet little smile not too long ago that she spent our entire inheritance (from two seperate relatives, who'd left it so I could go to school) on chemotherapy and radiation for her dog. There was none left.

 

A month ago she did this while I was on my way out the door for a scheduled interview. I missed the interview due to it. When I told her I was on my way out for an interview, she smirked, snorted, and said that "she knew I had no place I was going." The 'discussion' began, and she demanded what my version of reality was for the household and the situation. I told her that she really didn't have to worry that I never wanted to leave -- I did, very bad, and that I was doing everything possible to try and get a job so I could leave.

 

She smiled, told me to pack my ****, and get out. I did without hesitating, while she screamed in hysterics at me and informed me she'd be throwing away anything I couldn't get out in one trip.

 

My step-brother made a call to make sure I'd have somewhere to stay, and she thusly threw him out the same day as well (he was moving out the next day anyway), accusing him of playing a "manipulation game".

 

She spent the rest of her day making calls to try and convince the person I'd be staying with not to let me stay there. Told him I was a lazy drug addict who did nothing but trash whatever house I lived in and that I'd never get a job so not to bother. Lucky for me, he let me stay anyway. She even tried calling his landlord to tell them the same things. She tried very, very hard to make sure I would be homeless.

 

I found the rest of my belongings crammed into trash bags intermingled with trash that she'd apparantly collected from various cans around the house. She took all my childhood drawings, school assignments, kindergarten diploma, etc, and threw them out in a pointedly visible fashion, leaving most thrown out front of the house I'd moved into. She continued to do this every few days for as long as I was there.

 

My little brother recently got in touch with me. He explained how ashamed and shocked by my behavior is, and demanded to know why I hadn't called our mom to make up with her, as it had been a month. I explained that I wasn't planning on it, and that I needed some time to regain a little sanity before even thinking about getting in touch with her. He said that I was selfish, ungrateful and "just as ****ed up" as my mom is.

 

To keep this from becoming any longer than it already is, I guess what I'm wondering is if what I want (to be left alone for awhile) is as selfish as it's being made to sound. My whole life.. I feel like I took care of her, and all she's done is make a one-sided competition or disturbing game of power out of our relationship.

 

Is my little brother right? Should I be getting in touch with her simply because she's my mom and I only have one?

[aquabat]

I should probably mention.. quite a bit has been left out of the above post.

 

If it helps - She claims her hostility toward me is because I 'abandoned her' while she had cancer to run away to another state. But, she was always hostile toward me. I donno.

[Green]

Well I'm sure theres things your not realizing and you knew your mom was this way so you might as well just tell her you forgive her and then stay away, not let her know where you live and never introduce her to your friends. I'm around your age and no one in my family would dare speak to me the way yours does to you. You can't let people treat you like this. If you want to go to school you can work, and go part time or full time for what ever it is you really want to learn and you'd probably qualify for some kind of grant if your not making much money. It does sound fishy that you didn't have a job even if you did clean the house. But seriously never live there again

[Geishawhelk]

This is a pretty staggering story, and I would seriously doubt it was a real post, if I didn't already know a similar situation, like this one. A friend of mine experienced a similar situation with his father.

 

I believe your mom is mentally ill.

I really do.

I also think the best thing you could do is to sever all contact, and do or say nothing to let her know where you are, where you are working, who you are with, what you are doing, who you are seeing, or how you are living.

Every time she is in contact with you she does everything in her powr to utterly destroy you.

Keep her at arm's length and do not under any circumstances have anything to do with her ever again.

Change your 'phone number, go ex-directory, move - do whatever you can to make yourself utterly unreachable.

 

I wouldn't normally post such a dfinitive post such as this.

I'm a mum too, and I always feel there's a way round things like this.

But this is absolutely beyond salvation, and she'll kill you with all of this, unless you take preventative measures.

My friend finally severed all ties with his father after he survived an attempt on his life.

He hasn't seen or spoken to his father for 7 years. His father has absolutely no idea whether his son is dead or alive. he still spreads evil nasty destructive rumours about him. Fortunately nobody believes him any more. But it took a while for the penny to drop.

[quankanne]

I too think that your mom has serious mental problems, because that isn't anywhere near the ballpark of a normal, healthy relationship, even if there's some friction from growing pains!

 

right now, I think you understand that you need to get your psyche healed before you can even BEGIN to deal with the crap she's flicked your way. And that contacting her, apologizing to her, etc, is a long way off, though frankly, probably the best thing you can do for the both of you is to seriously consider forgiving her so that this horrible thing isn't being dragged around by you the rest of your life.

 

besides, heh-heh, that'd REALLY screw with her mind

 

as for your brother, he will not understand unless he experiences something similar, so lovingly tell him that you're working on getting to a good place so that you can some day address her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I guess what I'm wondering is if what I want (to be left alone for awhile) is as selfish as it's being made to sound.

 

No.

 

As a matter of fact, you seem to be the only “sane” one left in the family. I’m surprised you’ve managed to hold yourself together as well as you have under these impossible odds. Goes to show that sometimes nature trumps nurture.

 

Is my little brother right? Should I be getting in touch with her simply because she's my mom and I only have one?

 

You’d be surprised at how many adult children are alienated from their parents. Not that it makes it ideal ... but sometimes it is absolutely necessary for your own survival. My heartfelt advice to you is to keep as much distance as you need, for as much time as you need, until you’re at a place where you will never need to rely or depend on her again. When you’re standing firmly on your own two feet once more, THEN you can decide whether or not to present her with that olive branch, again. Meanwhile, under no circumstances do you need to “apologize” for anything. Not if the way you tell it is accurate.

 

It doesn’t seem from your post that your brother is wholly correct in his comparison of the two of you. You’re not walking behind in your mother’s footsteps. You’re walking miles in front of her and choosing a better road for yourself.

 

Keep going!

[aquabat]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

I think I just needed to explain to somebody what was going on who wasn't already sucked in. again, thanks. It's weird but I feel better knowing somebody was able to read the story and still believe i'm not so bad.

 

again, thanks. I read all of them.

[Green]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

I think I just needed to explain to somebody what was going on who wasn't already sucked in. again, thanks. It's weird but I feel better knowing somebody was able to read the story and still believe i'm not so bad.

 

again, thanks. I read all of them.

 

I never thought you were bad when I read the story but I didn't think your as helpless to all this as you probably do. I can relate to you in alot of ways but at some point you have to relize you have the upper hand

[Eve]

Close your eyes and say out loud what you want to do right now about this situation. You know what you need deep deep within yourself. If you go back, what will happen? Close your eyes and say out loud what will happen. Do you want this? Sometimes we have to leave behind those who we cant fix. Sometimes people choose to stay, regardless of the consequences. I read your post mostly with admiration that you have retained the core part of yourself and you are a decent, loving person. Thats what stood out mostly for me. I also heard that you have been neglected and left open to a lot of abuse and this should not have happened to you at all. I am SO sorry that this has happened to you.

 

People like yourself are the true soldiers of this world and have more power and impact than many who are rich and famous. Keep close to those who love you in a way which is productive. Find ways to deal with the persons who for whatever reason cannot grow with you.

 

A suggestion. Maybe you could write to your Mother for the time being. See what she writes back. Its better than being in the fullness of one of her episodes. I dont know if you have a faith but pray for her and yourself to get through this. I have one of my feelings about you. I think you are going to make it. I hope one day your Mother sees you for who you are but ... she may not.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[ed-205]

Several times in my life I've been in situations where I was forced to admit to myself that my presence in the relationship, as well intended as it was, wasn't helping either of us. This includes my relationship with my father shortly after my mom passed away, as well as a couple of relationships with women.

It's hard to admit that you have to leave so that both of you have a chance to get your lives back together again, but sometimes that's just the way it is.

In my father's case, after a few years, I sat down and wrote him a letter telling him that I appreciated the fact that he raised me so I could live my own life, and forgave him for anything he might have done wrong as a parent. As strange as it sounds, I didn't write the letter for him so much as I wrote it for myself, but it seemed to bring us a lot closer in the end. That may work for you in the future as well, but for now I think you need to remove yourself from her negative influence on your life, at least temporarily, and work on building your own life.

 

Good luck to you.

[Carol Webb]

Hey..

 

So, hm. To make a long story as short as possible..

 

My parents divorced when I was eleven. My mom had always been kind of.. childish? I guess? My Dad was the parental body. I remember her using a baby voice when she spoke to me and my little brother when my Dad was around, sometimes. It was weird. But, anyway.

 

My Dad worked as a log scaler from highschool onward and had no education -- logging was pretty much his sole livelihood, and we weren't exactly what you'd call wealthy. At the time, most mills in California were being shut down one by one. Thus, we ended up moving alot. When the mill where we'd been living for 5 years or so shut down, he told my mom we'd be needing to move north. She adamantly refused, and told him that if he moved, she wouldn't be going with him. He sort of had to go, moved by himself -- the plan was to go up, secure a house and what not, then the family would follow. My mom chose not to in the end, filed for divorce on my 11th birthday.

 

From then on for about a year, every day but the weekends I had to sleep in the same bed as her because she was lonely. Nothing weird happened. I just had to sleep in there or she'd be afraid at night. I became the somebody she could lean on. When she'd be crying and lonely, she'd call me in from whatever I was doing (homework, playing, anything) to cry on me. I don't blame her for any of this, though.. she had a hard time, and had nobody else around at that time.

 

She then married a guy that abused my little brother physically for 4 years. We told her about it. She claimed we were attention seeking and just didn't want her to be happy, or that we didn't like Joe (the step-father in question) and were trying to sabotage him. In the end, he started pushing her around physically when they'd fight as well, so she divorced him, apologized in hysterics for not believing us, and he was out of the picture for awhile. I became the leaning post again. I recall her telling me the day he left, while sobbing, that he'd spent their whole final night together trying to have sex with her, and that she needed me to tell her she'd made the right decision in not doing so. Like.. hm. Crying that she wished she had slept with him to say goodbye. There is no option to say you're uncomfortable with something, when it comes to my mom. I recall this as one of my most horrifying moments, despite that it was pretty tame compared to others. At the time I was just uncomfortable. In retrospect I'm not really even sure why it freaked me out so much.

 

Throughout my early teenaged years, once I started showing signs of developing a personality and will of my own, especially after she got back together with Joe a year or so later, she would take me out for car rides and go ballistic. The doors would be locked, the radio turned off, and she would scream at me until I cried (no matter how long or how many laps around the town that took), mock me for crying, then we'd go home to pretend like nothing happened. Every now and again she'd apologize, but it never stopped her from doing it again the next time she had the urge.

 

She got rid of Joe again after 6 months or so.

 

For awhile, I was sent to counselors for psychological care. One of the counselors wanted to meet with me and my mom together, which we did for awhile. In the end, the counselor told my mom in more delicate terms that the problems lay with her, and that she needed to do a few things to maintain any kind of healthy relationship with her daughter. My mom agreed, cried a whole bunch, then a week later was screaming at me on one of the notorious car-rides that I could tell my counselor "whatever the **** I wanted", she didn't care, and the problems all stemmed from me and my selfish attitude.

 

She married again when I was 16 to my boyfriend's dad. Me and the boyfriend were required to break things off, as living together wouldn't have been appropriate. They split six months later when she came out of her room (where they'd been fighting) and claimed to me and my little brother that he'd been beating her and threatening her with a shotgun. I called 911, told the police, and they arrested him. He told us all to get out. She has told everyone since that I caused the split by lying to the police -- has told everyone in our family and circle of close family friends that I crave drama and did it to spite Tim for upsetting her. This includes my little brother. He was 9, I don't even know if he remembers what happened.

 

A couple months later she sent me to my Dad's house for Christmas. The night before I was supposed to come home, she told me via phone that I wouldn't be coming home. My little brother left to go home, and I was enrolled in highschool at my Dad's. I found out after the fact that she was getting back together with the husband I'd had arrested and that my presence wasn't going to fit into the equasion.

 

At 17 I moved out of my dad's house and into a studio apartment not far away. I finished highschool by homeschooling. At 19 I moved in with my then boyfriend, then my mom started calling, wanting me to head back to where she was and live with her. Me and the boyfriend did so, and worked while we were there till we could get a place of our own.

 

This is where things get kind of weird to explain. I had a group of internet friends that I'd met through an online game. We were all very close. I referred to one of them as a second-mother, and we'd met up in real life a few times. My mother was falling into a lonely depression. I introduced her to them, and she fit in very well. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 19. When I would go to see her, she would repeat, over and over, my lack of worth, what a poor job I was doing as a daughter, what an embarassment I was, and that I was a failure. After awhile, despite that she was sick, I couldn't see her very often anymore. It was kind of too much.

 

She had a friend come out, a male of about 31 or so, to see her while she was going through chemotherapy, and asked me (still 19 at the time) to see to him while she was in the hospital for a treatment. He bought a bunch of alcohol for himself. My mother ended up having to stay in the hospital overnight due to an allergic reaction, and asked me to stay at her house so her guest wouldn't be alone. Long story short, I had alcohol for the second time in my life and woke up with her friend on top of me with a hand doing some exploring. I pushed him off and drove home fairly scared, still intoxicated.

 

The next day she called me at home, asked what it was like to 'kiss him,' and hung up. We spoke about it the day after, and I told her what had actually happened. She just snorted a bit. I don't know if she believed it and still don't.

 

I checked in with my group of online pals, and none of them were speaking to me. I was called a whore, a slut, and had no idea why for a long time. I eventually confided in my mom about what as going on and my confusion -- She'd been acting pretty much normal. She just grinned at me and said, verbatim, "Maybe I agree." and threw me out of her house.

 

I found out years later that she had told them that I deliberately chose to go her home while she was going to be stuck in the hospital, slept with her friend (who she claimed she had a crush on, and that I knew about it), and drove home drunk to avoid having to face her. No wonder they didn't speak to me anymore. My mother treated the situation like she'd won some kind of 'battle' against me for the loyalty of those friends.

 

I packed all my belongings into my car about two weeks later and drove off, and settled in another state. When I could, I tried to be there for her through the internet and phone while she was going through the rest of her treatments.

 

Five years later she begged me to come back home, and told me that she'd put me through college if I did. The plan was outlined for where I would be able to go and everything. I was incredibly thrilled, as no offer like that had ever really been offered to me in such concrete terms. I arrived, worked for awhile, and no mention of my going to school was ever brought up.

 

I was laid off my job (which had been pretty short-lived anyway -- just a few weeks), and she started in about how I had let down my side of the 'deal' in moving out there. This was about 3 months ago. I'm not willing to blame the whole thing on the economy, but I was working as a housekeeper at a bed and breakfast -- nobody was renting rooms, so there was nothing for me to come in and clean. I couldn't really affect being laid off, and was actively and openly seeking employment elsewhere. It was never enough. Every couple weeks she'd demand I come into the living room, bring in the rest of the family, then detail that I'm a 24 year old loser who doesn't want to work or go to school, and attempt to force me to 'explain myself' for all to hear. She also began using throwing me out (I had nowhere else to go, and had no employment to even save money to find someplace, which she was well aware of) as a weapon. Something to threaten me with on a whim.

 

While I was there, I meticulously cleaned the house even when I was working. She never had to wash a dish in the house while I lived there, never had to feed her dogs, never had to pick up a cluttered room. I tried to make things as comfortable as I could to make up for not having a job, and everyone else in the house seemed to notice, even if she didn't.

 

Her Fox Terrier was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I first arrived. She mentioned with a sweet little smile not too long ago that she spent our entire inheritance (from two seperate relatives, who'd left it so I could go to school) on chemotherapy and radiation for her dog. There was none left.

 

A month ago she did this while I was on my way out the door for a scheduled interview. I missed the interview due to it. When I told her I was on my way out for an interview, she smirked, snorted, and said that "she knew I had no place I was going." The 'discussion' began, and she demanded what my version of reality was for the household and the situation. I told her that she really didn't have to worry that I never wanted to leave -- I did, very bad, and that I was doing everything possible to try and get a job so I could leave.

 

She smiled, told me to pack my ****, and get out. I did without hesitating, while she screamed in hysterics at me and informed me she'd be throwing away anything I couldn't get out in one trip.

 

My step-brother made a call to make sure I'd have somewhere to stay, and she thusly threw him out the same day as well (he was moving out the next day anyway), accusing him of playing a "manipulation game".

 

She spent the rest of her day making calls to try and convince the person I'd be staying with not to let me stay there. Told him I was a lazy drug addict who did nothing but trash whatever house I lived in and that I'd never get a job so not to bother. Lucky for me, he let me stay anyway. She even tried calling his landlord to tell them the same things. She tried very, very hard to make sure I would be homeless.

 

I found the rest of my belongings crammed into trash bags intermingled with trash that she'd apparantly collected from various cans around the house. She took all my childhood drawings, school assignments, kindergarten diploma, etc, and threw them out in a pointedly visible fashion, leaving most thrown out front of the house I'd moved into. She continued to do this every few days for as long as I was there.

 

My little brother recently got in touch with me. He explained how ashamed and shocked by my behavior is, and demanded to know why I hadn't called our mom to make up with her, as it had been a month. I explained that I wasn't planning on it, and that I needed some time to regain a little sanity before even thinking about getting in touch with her. He said that I was selfish, ungrateful and "just as ****ed up" as my mom is.

 

To keep this from becoming any longer than it already is, I guess what I'm wondering is if what I want (to be left alone for awhile) is as selfish as it's being made to sound. My whole life.. I feel like I took care of her, and all she's done is make a one-sided competition or disturbing game of power out of our relationship.

 

Is my little brother right? Should I be getting in touch with her simply because she's my mom and I only have one?

 

This is all my opinion of course, but your brother is not right. You need to read the book "toxic parents". Anyway, you need to close that door forever and get on with your life. Your mother has serious problems and your little brother is really not mad at you and does not really blame you he is being manipulated by your mother also and is simply reacting in desperation to try and deal with your mom as well.

[quankanne]

aquabat – how you doing?

[woodsie65]

Hi aquabat

Can I say first of all - well done for having the courage to put all of that down on paper. It must have been extremely hard for you. I hope that having done so it has gone a little towards you finding some clarity in your own mind

You are a victim of extreme emotional abuse from what you describe, but I have to agree with a couple of the other posters that your mother appears to have serious mental health problems

That said, it doesn't make the whole history any less difficult for you to try to deal with. You are the child in this relationship, yet where is your protetor, your nurturer, the one person that no matter what you should be able to depend on?

From what you describe your mother is vulnerable and lonely and incapable of behaving in an adult way. You became mother to her. The vile conduct is her projecting her own unhappiness with both her self and her life on to you. By making you feel worthless she somehow ensures your dependency upon her. Truth be told, in spite of her actions, she is probably terrified of losing you from her life. Hence her constant attempts to control it

Have you ever considered getting some help (counselling) for yourself? It sounds to me you desperately need somebody to validate how you feel and show you that none of this is your fault

How can I relate - I have had similar experience with my own mother. I am in my forties and it has taken until now to be able to deal with her and have a relationship with her as a person

I would strongly recommend a book called "When you and your mother cant be friends" by Susan Jeffries. It helped me immensely

In the meantime, you sound a good person with a caring heart. Do not let those positive traits be manipulated by others to make you feel guilty about distancing yourself from your mother

I agree with those that have said that going back in to the whole "drama" of it all will just start the whole cycle again

I would encourage you to gain strength and clarity for yourself before you consider whether or not there is a future on any level with you and your mother

I send you a big hug and wish you hope for the future

 

xx

[myqutie]

Aquabat, I am sorry you are in the situation you are but I would say to you loud and clear: I feel your mum is the most manipulative I have ever come across!! I strongly feel you should tell your brother to visit this thread in and have him tell you again whether he thinks you are selfish. (I doubt he would!)

 

Secondly, if you are thinking whether to call or visit her again, probably you should. At least you won't regret not having done anything. And you can tell your brother you've done "all you can".

 

And yes, she is your only mum even if she's a bad one.