My Sister has Betrayed me and now my Mother wants nothing to do with Me!

[billboo]

Hi All, Some advice please! Yesterday was one of the most horrible days of my life. I rent a house from my mother but want to want to get ahead in life so when the opportunity to go in on a house with my fiancee and his father we leapt and the chance. On thursday we brought a house and i told my older sister and she said that my mother wouldn't be happy. I said to her well don't say anything to her I need to be the one to tell her. Friday to Sunday my mother was away so i text her on Sunday saying was she home yet so that I could come and visit. She text back saying she would let me know when she was home. She ended up phoning and said She knew what I had done buying a housed and then pretty much nutted off after listening to this for 2mins I hung up. Next thing my mother came around and started nutting off screaming and crying saying that she didn't want anything more to do with me and that i'm out of her will. My problem isn't with my mother and I understand she has every right to be angry but why did my sister tell her? I think if i had have been the one to tell her, her reaction wouldn't have been as bad as I would have had the chance to explain myself. My sister is my bestfriend and my whole life i have held her in a high regard and now she has let me down by opening her mouth. Why would she do it? What was there to gain? She could have said to my mother that she knew nothing and had given the chance for me to deal with it. It had nothing to do with her. Should I be upset with her. Advice please.

[whichwayisup]

Is your sister jealous of your relationship with your mom? Does your mom show favouritism? Honestly, if it isn't that, then it's possible your sis just slipped up and didn't mean to spill the beans. Eitherway, your mom is overreacting! Hopefully she'll calm down and talk to you. She's hurt and feeling upset because you went ahead and did this without talking to her, letting her know your plans. Maybe she thinks you'll be leaving her in a lurch due to the house you rent from her. Anyway, your mom loves you so I doubt she's cutting you out of the will, let alone her life.

 

I would tell your sister that you are disappointed in her, that alot of trust is gone because of her actions, but give her an opportunity to explain WHY she spilled it to your mom. It wasn't her place to tell that news.

[billboo]

Thanks for that. I'm really hurt. My sister has always been the favourite with my mum. My sister and I had a fall out when mum got me this place. My mum did the same for her 7 years ago and I never had a problem with it. She didn't slip up she said that she couldn't lie to my mum and thats why she told her. She also said to my partner that I didn't tell her not to say anything which he even heard me say. I don't understand it just gutted.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, well from what you've said then, it is possible your sister spilled it to start some crap between you and your mom. She's playing a stupid little petty game! She got jealous, and still is jealous.

[sam light]

For the hell of it I'll take the other angle here:

Buying a house takes time. Why didn't you tell your mother/landlord that you were going to leave? Even an unrelated tennant is expected to give 30 days notice.

 

Now your landlord/Mother is going to be caught with an empty property for a while. She'll still have all the related expenses, which at a minimum is taxes and insurance.

 

Seems the height of inconsideration on your part, doesn't it?

 

Maybe your sister was/wasn't a jerk... did she want to mess you up or was she protecting your Mom's financial situation?

 

I think there's more to this than the post indicated.

[billboo]

I wasn't going to just move out I was going to give her at least 2 months notice or until she had decided what to do with it. Long story involved to get to where i am now but yes I can understand she was dissappointed. I thought this house was going to be an investment for both of us but due to lack of communication 6mths after moving in I found out that i'm just renting. I am now engaged and trying for a family for myself so therefore I need to look out for my best interests.

 

My sister was my person who I've looked up to and shared all my secrets with in my whole life. She has broken my trust and has done something that should have been up for me to do and that was tell my mum.

 

My stepfather has been wonderful and can't understand my mums reaction. He has said to give her time and she'll come around.

 

Four days on and they've already found a tenant so hopefully she will calm dow and come to her senses soon.

 

My problem is what to I do with my sister. I haven't spoken to her and really don't feel like it. I hurt by her actions and this is what my concern was about with this thread.

[sam light]

Hi billboo,

Sounds that you had a fair enough plan there.

 

I'll put your mother "on trial" here. Was this venture her plan to profit off you while pretending to help you? You indicated you THOUGHT it was to be more of a co owner situation.

 

Also some older folks have a plan to enforce attention from their children. They use talk of Wills and indeed sometimes a home to keep the kids under control. Maybe she had such a plan and is angry that you broke free.

 

I digress, you're concerned about your sister. I'd give her the cold shoulder so she knows she messed up big time. Then judge her reaction... is it hostility or an apology. Make her explain herself. If you decide to trust her again..... give her (someday) a test secret. Make it seem important (even though it isn't) to see if she keeps it or betrays you.

 

While it's easy for most of us to accept that there's rotten people in this world, it's harder to accept that we have a percentage of trash in our own families. My large family includes Doctors, Lawyers, working people, business tycoons, and yes...3 bums.

[Trimmer]

I'm interested in exactly why your mom is angry with you - what is driving her?

 

Is it just that you made a big decision without consulting/telling her in advance?

 

Does she perceive that you have gone back on some agreement you had with her?

 

Is it that she thinks it was a bad idea for you to buy a house?

 

What is her specific beef here? How have you damaged her?

 

You are an adult, right?

[billboo]

Hi - Thanks for your replies much appreciated.

 

My mum I don't think would have gone so psycho if I had of told her myself but I was never given the chance as my sister had to make it her business to tell her instead. I dont understand why she has reacted this way my stepfather was even to scared to tell her to pull her head in. Crazy Crazy

 

Her beef is she liked the fact that she had a secure tenant that would look after and pay for her investment and now she doesn't have it and that she found out through my sister and not me.

 

Yesterday she emailed me a nasty email saying things like she'll have the last laugh when my life falls apart and not to go running to her as she won't give a s**t and she will never forgive me I'm disowned and I get nothing and that i'm selfish stupid and wrapped up in my own material world. All over me wanting to be ready to build and provide for my family.

 

I've always been the Black Sheep in the family and maybe she enjoyed me relying on her for a place to live. I don't think she likes the idea that we have brought a property in a upper class suburb and that she lives in a lower class suburb. I don't know.

 

My sister hasn't bothered to try contact me. My stepfather said that she didn't have anything nice to say about me either. Great! I like to see how she feels when mum sells her house and give nothing!

 

I've decided even if my mum gets over this and forgives i'm now going to keep my distance as all the hurtful and nasty things she has said is beyond forgiveness and she can miss out on all the good things about to happen in my life. Wedding & Kids. Mean I know but what does she expect.

 

Billboo

[Trimmer]

Her beef is she liked the fact that she had a secure tenant that would look after and pay for her investment and now she doesn't have it...

...but, as you already know, she is wildly overreacting to a change of this type.

 

Yesterday she emailed me a nasty email saying things like she'll have the last laugh when my life falls apart and not to go running to her as she won't give a s**t and she will never forgive me I'm disowned and I get nothing and that i'm selfish stupid and wrapped up in my own material world.

... and all the while she is bitching and moaning about the fact that her own "material world" - her investment property - is now something that she may actually have to put some work into? Who is harping on material issues now?

 

All over me wanting to be ready to build and provide for my family.

I think you realize it's more than that. It's about you becoming truly independent. All children (if they develop normally) do it eventually, but not all parents handle it gracefully, and she is going off the deep end.

 

While you were in "her" house, you were still directly connected to, and directly dependent upon, her. Look, you said she's already got a new tenant lined up, we know that's not really the issue making her threaten to disown you.

 

I've always been the Black Sheep in the family and maybe she enjoyed me relying on her for a place to live.

I don't think she enjoyed it, so much as she needed it - needed you to be dependent on her. It may be a part of her identity, it may be that she just cannot separate from being a mom-of-a-child and transition gracefully to mother-of-an-adult, or she just may need to be in control, and your moving towards independence threatens that.

 

I don't think she likes the idea that we have brought a property in a upper class suburb and that she lives in a lower class suburb.

Again, could be identity issues. What you do reflects on her, as she is not able to see you as a separate individual.

 

My sister hasn't bothered to try contact me. My stepfather said that she didn't have anything nice to say about me either.

She gets something from this dynamic - just as your mom needs to be in control and have someone dependent on her, your sister has found that if she feeds that hunger in your mom, then your sister gets back something that satisfies her - drama, housing... whatever it is, she feeds the situation in a way that serves her. From that perspective, it kind of makes sense that she would have used the currency you gave her (the trusted information about your home purchase) and spent it with your mom to reinforce that bond they have, whatever drama they both feed off.

 

I've decided even if my mum gets over this and forgives i'm now going to keep my distance as all the hurtful and nasty things she has said is beyond forgiveness and she can miss out on all the good things about to happen in my life. Wedding & Kids. Mean I know but what does she expect.

Yeah, it's sad, but it's hard to imagine such an overreaction - disowning, cutting you out of a will, laughing if your life falls apart and not giving a sh*t if that happens... Clearly her issues are a lot deeper than just the inconvenience of finding a new tenant. Sadly, for whatever reason, she is intensely threatened by your independence.

 

You can only hope that with time, a little distance, and some introspection, she may somehow work through those issues within her, and come to find a new approach, and possibly be open to a reconciliation.

 

Good luck in your new life as a strong, confident, independent person.

Edited February 6, 2008 by Trimmer