Jump to content

Controlling Parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!


nana79

Recommended Posts

hey there... iam a bit confused, i am 28 yrs old 29 in a couple of months. i still live at home with parents (controlling father, weak mother) i come from a latin culture and very old fashioned. now my dilema is my father is very controlling everything has to be done his way and wont accept any changes, he wont let you speak when you are in a conversation, basically your thoughts or concerns or feelings are no good, if i were to tell him i am hurt by what he said to me its absolutely wrong. i recently got engaged and currently in a long distance relationship, i live in miami and he in san francisco, we thought abt moving together and starting my life over there and my parents completely went insane, now they give me this guilt trip on how sad a disappointed they are bc i thought of leaving to go with him and move in with him... they said they will die with this pain in their heart i had disrespected them.. (if i would of left my house without letting them know is disrespect) anyways, he doesnt seem to understand that i am a grown woman... my mother on the other hand has a submissive tendency, what ever my father says thats how it is... she has no saying around the house, my father is the one with the decisions... i have no privacy at all, when my door is closed my mother/father come in with out knocking and i tell them please knock they get offended and tell me i am rude and this is their house they are free to do what they want in their house... my mother opens my mail... if i were to order something online and get delivered to my house, she opens the box as if it were hers and calls me with these words "those shoes you bought are sooo ugly why did you spend soo much etc." so i tell her that is my privacy and when i get home as soon as i open it if i want to ill show her what i bought... she got offended, she said she was my mother and has the right to open everything... a couple of days ago i was leaving my house to have coffee with a friend it was abt 9pm and my father got upset bc why was i leaving the house at 10pm (it was 9pm by the way) he said i had to wake up early the next morning to go to work... i said to him that is my problem.. another incident is i went to visit a friend how recently moved and wanted to show me her apartment, i called my parents to let them know where i was going after work... i got home abt 11pm the next morning my father asks me why i got home so late last night, he was worried abt me and that the streets are bad outthere and it was sooo cold (we are in miami, 70 degrees) and how he couldn't sleep knowing i was out soo late... anyways this whole idea of going to visit my fiance in SF is another issue, my father wont even let me go visit him he says if i go means i would have to sleep with him in the same bed and i won't be a virgin when i get married... they say (both mom and dad) its too soon to go visit him... i haven't seen him since jan. 8th... he is getting a doctorate degree and is hard for him to come now... so this is my plan, i am going to visit him mid feb. and already have a job interview... i am planning on moving on my own and not with my fiance i feel there is a need of "independence" on my part and would like to live alone b4 getting married... now the issue here is that iam afraid of telling my parents bc they have a tendency to manipulate me, make me feel guilty and scare me off the idea of leaving alone... i am a grown woman with lots of power and cries for independence... :lmao: some suggestions???

Link to post
Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl

It is time to cut the apron strings. You can choose to do this as an adult, or as a child (which is how they treat you).

 

I went through many of the same things you are experiencing - so I understand it is gut wrenching - however their expectations are absurd.

 

My suggestion to you would be to line everything up - ideally in San Francisco. Have a job, an apartment, etc all lined up and then sit them down and tell them this is your plan. They can either choose to be "with" you, or not. By with you I mean in touch and part of your life or not.

 

They will yell, they will scream, they will stop speaking to you. However I assure you in the end you will be stronger for it, as will your relationship with them.

 

I moved back into my parent's house after I graduated school, for a short time, so that I could save up money to get out on my own. I experienced many of the things you describe. I had no privacy, they always expected to know where I was etc. One day at the dinner table I simply said - hey guess what I did today, I signed a lease! They were furious. However I pointed out to them that I was an adult, would be paying for it on my own - and frankly could no longer abide by their rules. I further stated that they were right - it is their house, and they can set the rules there - so therefore that statement alone was what hastened my decision.

 

I will say I had one thing working in my favor - I not only stayed in the same city - but the same neighborhood. This was a completely calculated move on my part. I did not want to give them the argument that where I was moving to was not safe. I also wanted to remove the possibility of ever having to stay under their roof again. Moving across the country will make this far more difficult a transition for you.

 

I am curious about one thing though - when do you plan to get married? Because it sounds like you are planning a very long engagement.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl

Forgot to add - in the future please break up your posts with paragraphs - what you typed is awfully hard to read, so you are likley to get fewer responses

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

hey there!!!! thank you for the fyi... i will use that tip next time ;)

 

ok, we plan on getting married in december so i still have time to be ALONE... we really dont have an exact date to our wedding, it is still TBD specially after my decision in living alone, that is something i have wanted to do for a long time and thought it was the perfect opportunity to do so (SF was one of my choices the other was NYC... even before i met my fiance) i fell in love with the city...

 

anyways i totally get you, i love the part when you said: One day at the dinner table I simply said - hey guess what I did today, I signed a lease! They were furious. However I pointed out to them that I was an adult, would be paying for it on my own - and frankly could no longer abide by their rules. I further stated that they were right - it is their house, and they can set the rules there - so therefore that statement alone was what hastened my decision.

 

i am leaving soon so i thought it would be a great opportunity to do as much as i can while iam there and come back with my plan... sit them down and tell them my plan... i know its across the country but this is a place where i have always wanted to live (or NYC) so i said why not. I am not afraid of adventure or taking risks... they portray their insecurities on to me but it just bounces right back off....

 

but hey thanks alot.. this reallly helped!!! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl

I wish you all the luck in the world. Trust me they will rant and rave at you. They will call you all kinds of names, and swear that you will be dead to them. This is all manipulation tactics that have worked for them in the past. Only YOU can break this cycle.

 

Try your best to remain calm (none of that latino temper - I'm from eastern european descent, we've go it too) - and tell them that it is their choice to remain active parts of your life or not. Say that while you would deeply regret their descision to disown you, but that would be THEIR choice not yours.

 

They might stop speaking with you for a while - but I assure you that will pass. It will suck in the beginning, but stick to your guns and they WILL come around. Especially once grandchildren are involved - they are the great equalizer.

 

Just be strong, be confident, and don't back down. while you cannot control their behaviour you can and must control your own.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

thanks alot, i know what its like for them to be temperamental, i saw it in my brother..(we are 3 i am the oldest and the middle bro is 27) when he was 18 just grad. high school he wanted to study in tallahassee and live in the doors with his bestfriend, my father said absolutely not!!! he said he was going to fail... why leave his job for that (mind you my father is so for education, i dont know why he didnt support him)... another episode years ago we were at the dinner table and my ex bf was there and my mom said she would of loved for her "kids" to live in a house next to hers and have her take care of her grandchildren... my answer was (in a very sweet voice) "mom, that sounds nice but (ex bf name) and i love to live in aventura we love the apartment bldgs there.. this is like 30 min drive.. she totally said i was insulting her, she didnt talk to me that day!!!!

 

another episode no. 3.. the same brother i mentioned above, at 23 bought his own house and decided to move in alone... my parents were so furious at him they didnt talk to him for 2 months (iam not kidding) he called my mom to ask her the receipe to rice and she answered "thats your problem you are on your own here"...

 

another episode no.4 when my fiance and i sat my parents down to talk abt the plans and told them i was going to move to SF he totally disagreed and basically made me choose bt my fiance or my family!!!!!! i think i have said enough....

 

so there you go, i do know what is like to get the smack down!!!! :o but thanks again... that was nice!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tell them you are getting old and don't want to end up an old maid. Tell them you want to get married and give them grandchildren, and this guy in San Francisco is all about that so you want their support but you plan on making that happen either way. Tell them if they stand in your way, then it will be their responsibility that you end up unmarried without children of your own...ask them if that's what they want for you!

 

I know that sounds like a dumb thing to say, but, I come from a culture not so different from yours, and it's all about the family...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...