http://www.loveshack.org/forums/ Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse. en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:46:22 GMT vBulletin 15 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/misc/rss.jpg http://www.loveshack.org/forums/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210545&goto=newpost Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:26:34 GMT Background of the relationship

I'm in a relationship with a guy and we've been together for about a year. I have two main problems that I am not sure what to do about. The situation is actually very complex.

The first problem is that he is with someone else as well. I was told initially that he was single, but found out that he was actually in a relationship with someone else after we started a relationship. As wacky as this sounds, it didn't end. When I was told, I got upset if course, but I was told his other relationship was now over. It did not end. Not only that, but I was required to make adjustments to allow the other person time with him. I am still hung up on, put on hold, etc, for this other person.

He says he loves me more. The other person is mean, causes trouble, takes away my time with him, talks bad about me, and uses him in various ways. He stays with them. I end up paying the price as I am often (almost always) alone. He is careful not to be seen on the phone with me in the presence of this other person, but the other person has repeatedly thrown things about their relationship in my face. I tried to be friends and get along with them, but every opportunity is taken to stab me in the back and bait and lie to me by the other person. They are truly horrible. I tell my boyfriend everything, and he listens but nothing changes. In fact he gave them the "boyfriend" title as well, because they were so jealous that I was his girlfriend.

I never wanted to share. I thought eventually this problem would go away because of all the other person's antics and mood swings, but it seems that no matter what stunts they pull or lies they tell or how much they hurt me or him, he keeps them around (and gives up time for being with me for them).

He can be very kind and wonderful to me at times. I do love him very deeply and we have a lot of history. I believe him when he says he loves me more than anyone but I don't understand how he can give up time with me for that horrible person if that is true.

The other problem is that he takes out his frustration on me and at times he is very verbally hurtful. He has called me stupid, of an inferior mind, a bit**, a cu**, a pig, etc. He has pointed out my physical flaws or failures in life and most conversations involve his threats to ignore me or kill himself. When it gets very bad, I sometimes break down and cry, and he calls me a baby and asks what is wrong with me. He is very demanding. As an example, two days ago, he called me when I was very busy and I asked if I could call him back in a few minutes. His response was "Fu** you, why do I even try with you?" this is very typical.

I try very hard with him. I help him with his classwork (I do the homework for one of his classes despite the huge sacrifice it is on my own studies) and I stay up all night with him often because that's what he wants, and usually the only time we have. I have failed classes because I do not have the time to study sufficiently and am always so very exhausted. I get very little sleep. If I fall asleep while on the phone or in his presence, it is like I am trying to be difficult to him, and he wakes me and guilts me with "I guess you don't want to spend time with me / I guess you're done talking to me."

Recently he was on phone with me and the other person came over. He Set the phone down and I could hear everything. He uses the name nickname for both of us. I was very upset hearing, as they got affectionate and--it was still very loud as if he was right by the phone, but not answering. He later apologized, got mad at me for it, and said he'd meant to hang up on me.

It takes a toll on me to put up with the stress of everything described here. My behavior has changed, I am always upset and exhausted and very depressed. I have contemplated suicide every day for months. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I have been isolated over the last year and lost most of my friends.

I have thought of leaving but I feel so guilty when he treats me kindly. He treats me very badly, then goes through a time of treating me nicely for a few days. It is also a guarantee that every time we have sex (and I don't feel sexual anymore--it is very hard to force it, it is like my body has withdrawn from the depression and emotional abuse), he gives the next day (usually next few days) to the other person. I keep feeling guilty through the cycles and getting drawn back in. He said he wanted to marry me, but "can't" but he "would if it doesn't work out" with the other person.

I think he really does love me, and if the other person were gone, he might treat me right? The frustrations they cause and problems they cause, he takes out on me. I've talked to him about it many times but nothing changes. I don't know what to do.

The perpetual problems

1. He takes out his frustrations on me.
2. Attention being taken from me for this other person...and no, things are not fair or equal.

His excuse is that he is bisexual, so he "needs both" the other person (a gay male) and a female. I was aware of his orientation at the beginning but not that he was with someone (it was concealed because he does not want people to know). In case it sounds that way, I don't have any problem with gay people--this one in particular has really hurt me many times however, and done so knowingly (example--he crashed the few hours I was going to get with my boyfriend on my birthday in an attempt to take the time from me). Any time I am upset about being left alone for yet another day, week, etc, he is very angry and states that I knew his orientation at the beginning... He uses being bisexual to continue cheating (and being treated how he is by the other person). I am called a liar and he says things like "you don't really love me / want to be with me" when I am upset for how he treats me. I hate feeling that I having to sneak around to be partially loved, if loved at all.

He says sometimes that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with the other person any longer, but things continue. He says at other times that he wants both and neither would be enough by itself...yet complains because "you both compete for the same resource and you both hate each other, f*** you both," but...anyone that knows me at all knows I am not hateful. I'm a doormat, not even passive aggressive at this point.

He tells me things like "I don't want to be in a relationship with him any more" and "he takes advantage and you treasure me" yet he stays. He compromises me for this other person, yet is supposedly happier with me? But he says mostly that he wants both and that neither would be enough for him.

There are other things he has to blackmail me with besides the threat that he would kill himself (although I don't believe it is a real threat--simply said to upset me). He has also threatened that he would kill me if I left, or kill me if I ever cheated. I view it as he is cheating with me all the time (and yes, it disgusts me and I am afraid of catching a something).


Last night

I have trouble believing myself--that it is him and not me. I question myself over and over, thinking I MUST have done something. Am I crazy for being upset that I'm treated this way? Etc.

He said last night that if I did not move closer to him, by sone point in December, that he would say "f*** you bi***" and cut me out if his life. He said he would never talk to me again and that if I went to see him, he would refuse to see me. He said it would never change. Just earlier this week he told me that he wouldn't leave me because from not moving in time, but last night, he said his had changed his mind.

I've been studying for an exam I have for my degree, a big exam over all of my grad classes. Sunday night I was not allowed any sleep. He kept me up all night and I had work and class the next day (lasting until 7pm). He said he felt guilty and that I'd made him feel guilty by mentioning that I was tired and had to go all day without sleep. He said he is the victim in it. I apologized and he replied "that doesn't help, does it?" He slept though, since he doesn't care about going to class or not.

Yesterday was hard. I had gotten two hours of sleep the night before from a pileup of work I had to get done. I fell asleep sometime about 12 am last night and he called me shortly after, to yell at me. He tried to break up with me and I started to cry. I don't know why...it was foolish, but I was tired and it just happened. He asked me questions like "what do you want?" and I would answer and he would yell "no, that's bulls***, answer my f***ing question". He said "you don't love me, no one loves me, nobody cares about me so stop lying"

He said he had a bad day. It seems he had to take it out on someone. He went through listing my faults, calling me lazy, bringing up mistakes I'd made in the past that he knows about but were not in any way related to him...and I said "I don't think you like me anymore. You keep listing my faults and saying what's bad about me.". I did not say this with any cruelity--it's just, I was so tired and he was talking again about the time i've taken to graduate...and he got very angry. "F*** you" was his reply, followed by calling me a bi***, stupid (many times), a cu**, and worthless. After he was done yelling he said "why did you do that? See what you made me do? Everything was fine, then you had to go and say sh** and get me riled up." I was shaking and I couldn't talk straight. He said in a calmer tone, "You know I love you, and as far as a man-woman relationship, you're the one for me. I'd marry you if I could, if the situation allowed it."

I was made to believe the hurtful things said, the yelling, the name-calling he did at me...were somehow my fault because I complained about him putting me down again. After he was done, he tried to tell me he loves me etc. It doesn't seem right. It seems abusive.

Eventually he fell asleep and I hung up. I am trained to wait now, in case he wakes up and calls back. He gets mad if I'm asleep. Thinking about everything makes me crazy.

I'm very mixed up. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't understand how he can say he loves me yet threaten me all the time. I don't understand how if I am "the best thing in his life" he would leave me and ignore me, especially when the other person has run away, lies and steals, but apparently that's not a big deal? My only clues to that are the things he says like "I should have known better than to get involved with a woman."

I needed attention and at least communication last week, but he denied it because the other person wanted to stay with him for a week. This week, as it is only a few days before my test, I've been trying to do as much studying as possible, but he said I have "p***ed away the time with my bull****". He says he does not care if I get the degree or not.

I write all of this and try to let it out. I'm terrified of being without him, as much as I know he is bad to me. He admitted that he loves me but sometimes wants me to be miserable. He said he resents me for having good parents (father drank, beat his mother, mother gave him to his grandparents).
I have trouble believing myself--that it is him and not me. I question myself over and over, thinking I MUST have done something. Am I crazy for being upset that I'm treated this way? Etc.
I just don't see how he can leave me, and so easily. Am I insane for feeling like this? After a year, I've become attached somehow... ]]> Abuse blue_nymph http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210545 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210492&goto=newpost Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:52:07 GMT I am hoping some on this board can lend some insight to this problem From the day she was born my GF was the prime care giver for her... I am hoping some on this board can lend some insight to this problem

From the day she was born my GF was the prime care giver for her Grandaughter (GD). The child's mother is the demon druggie daughter (ddd) of my GF. The ddd was totally into drugs, partying etc, The ddd has hardly worked a day in her life, and got by on dealing drugs, prostituting and manipulating. She even had the state supplying her drugs. The ddd saw the GD simply as her meal ticket: welfare, food stamps. And being the birth mother knew all of her rights. We, the family and others saw the abuse and repeatedly tried to report the ddd to Child Welfare Services (CWS) We know that from about age 5 on the GD witnessed the ddd (she is bi) having sex numerous times. The ddd would then whip the GD. When CWS finally began to ask some questions, the ddd counter attacked and began accusing all she could think of as being child abusers and child molesters. The list is long, neighbors, boyfriends, ddd got mad at one of her girl friends and accused her 8 year old son, the ddd's father, the other grand parents, and my GF and I. Sadly CWS believed the ddd and never listened to anybody else. They shut us out completely and even refused to take reports from us. Even though we had inciminating police reports (note plural) of the ddd pulling a gun and threatening to kill everybody including the GD. There was even a drug deal that went bad with shots fired in the presence of the GD. Yes we kept a log and can document a lot of what went down.

Eighteen months ago the truth came out, the ddd had been molested by the step grand father from age 10 - 12 in the most terrible way. He got a life time sentence. And the ddd and her BF were also molesting the GD. Their case is still in the courts system, though the BF has plead guilty.

CWS has totally shut off all of the family from the GD and is trying to adopt her out. At first the GD's father, who is fighting for custody was allowed a few visits, so we know a few bits and pieces of what's been going down. CWS has contracted a child psychologist (CP) to work with the GD. But the CP is only getting her facts from CWS. For example they have told the CP that the GD's family consists of only my GF and another set of grand parents. And that we are all child molesters and have abandoned the child. The CP does not know that the GD's family also includes two living great grand parents, 3 great aunts, 2 great uncles and about a dozen cousins.

In about three and half years the GD will be free to contact us again. We know one of her first acts after being taken by CWS was to run away and try to contact my GF, her grandmother. She got caught and was threatened to being sent to juvenile prison if she tried to contact her grand mother again. She was only 12 at that time.

Question: What is going to happen to the GD's psyche when she finds out all the BS that she has been fed of the past 6 years is a lie. What kind of emotions is she going to experience when she finds out that she is not an abandoned child, and that it was CWS has put her in a prison from those who really loved and cared for her? What is she going to experience when she finds out that her great grand parents, whom she spent her first 10 Christmas's with have only just passed away in the past couple of years? I could go on but I think I have made my point. ]]> Abuse 2.50 a gallon http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210492 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210424&goto=newpost Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:49:17 GMT Hello Everyone, I have been married to my husband for 10 years. As soon as we got married he became verbally abusive towards me. He would constantly... Hello Everyone, I have been married to my husband for 10 years. As soon as we got married he became verbally abusive towards me. He would constantly insult me about any and everything such as my career choice as a elementary teacher. He said it didn't pay enough. He would complain about my weight gain and our sex life during the pregnancies. He would complain that i didn't cook enough or clean enough or plant flowers outside. Nothing I did was good enough for him. It use to hurt my feelings but after a while I built up a resistance to it and it didn’t bother me. I knew that I was not fat, lazy, stupid, or any of those things. Once he could no longer upset me with verbal attacks, he became physically abusive towards me. It has happened three times within the last two years. The first time he pulled me by the hair and threw me on the floor. I called the police and he was taken to jail and made to attend 26 hours of anger management. He was very remorseful. He said he was disgusted with himself and begged me to take him back. One year later, he got upset because I was going out with my sister so he kicked me in the back as I was walking out the door. Once again he apologized and was very remorseful. The third time occurred earlier this month. He blamed me for not caring about the fact that he had lost his job and for not looking at his resume that he emailed me. It must have filtered into my junk mail because I never got it. Anyway, he took his frustrations out on me by hitting me in the face and head. He tried to smother me by pushing my face into the couch. He choked me until my neck was swollen. For some reason, he snapped out of it and stopped choking me. He left the house and went to spend the night in a hotel. He hasn’t been back since. I told him that if he tried to come back I would call the police. I told him I wanted a divorce. He is very remorseful and saying all the things he said before. My whole family is pressuring me to uphold my marital vows. They want me to give him another chance. They want me to stick by his side and allow him to get some help. My grandmother said that she wish she wasn’t around to witness this, she wish she was dead. My aunt says that if jesus had to suffer, who are we to complain? My mom says that we don't forgive, how can we expect jesus to forgive us. I am confused. I miss him too but I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in my own home. Home is supposed to be a safe place. I should not have to fight my husband. I have lost respect for him. This time apart has made me realize how much of a jerk he is. I don’t know what I ever saw in him in the first place. My kids are very sad and they miss him terribly. He has been a good father to our children and I hope he continues to be. I have made arrangements for them to see him on the weekends and they talk to him everyday. I told him i forgive him. But I can't forget. I think we should get a divorce. I don't know what else to do. ]]> Abuse Divadove http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210424