http://www.loveshack.org/forums/ Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know! en Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:26:27 GMT vBulletin 15 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/misc/rss.jpg http://www.loveshack.org/forums/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210491&goto=newpost Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:32:00 GMT My husband and I married in May, we lived together after that for three months and he then decided he wanted a divorce (this was in September). I... My husband and I married in May, we lived together after that for three months and he then decided he wanted a divorce (this was in September). I was on Yaz birth control and it made me depressed, no sex drive, and I just wasn't myself. Right before he left I went to the doctor and asked her to change it because of the side effects. She did so, and I felt so much better, but by that time he had already left.

My husband was always very sweet to me, I am 33, he is 28 and we don't have any kids and this is our first marriage. My husband was the type of man that would cook dinner, clean the house, leave love notes around the house, and would send me text messages telling me to have a great day.

He says he wants a divorce because he says I was "mean". I would lose my temper when we would argue. He has a best friend (male) who would always talk bad about me. My husband refused to tell his friend to respect me. I even talked to the friend on one occasion and asked him to just respect me as my husband's wife. The friend told me "no". He said he had too many "issues" with me to respect me. My husband told me his friend "doesn't have to respect you." He has also told me that since me and the best friend can't get along we might as well divorce! I have to say I have always respected the friend, and I have even invited him into my home, knowing how bad he talks about me.

I made my mistakes in the marriage, I realize this. I wish I could go back in time and appreciate him more, and show more love and affection But, I was also pulling the weight of the household bills (husband moved in with me), and I tried to make my husband's life as easy as possible (even hiring someone to cut the grass and I was working my second job when he was out on his boat after he finished work).

My husband purchased online divorce papers and will not file them. I told him I was getting an attorney and he gets mad at me. When I ask him if we can work things out he says "not anytime soon." He has since moved back into his home (he had it up for sale when we were together). When I told him I was taking him off as my beneficery he acted surprised. I asked him if he wants me to file and he said "if you want to." I asked him today if he misses me and he said "of course." I have to say I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want a divorce. I am almost positive there is no other woman.

I must also add that I haven't given him much space since the seperation. I text him almost daily, and he text me back. If I am talking about anything but us he seems engaged in the conversation, but if I mention missing him, etc then he shuts down.... How long should I give it before I file? Like I said, I really don't want a divorce at all. But, I don't want to put my life on hold for someone who no longer wants me. How can I tell if he has his mind made up or if he just needs some time without me? ]]> Separation and Divorce loca http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210491 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210422&goto=newpost Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:20:47 GMT I met my husband when I was 17 years old. We were both fresh from the airport and attending High School. We met because we were from the same country... I met my husband when I was 17 years old. We were both fresh from the airport and attending High School. We met because we were from the same country and as people expected, we became friends.
He graduated a year before I did and I didn't see much of him for 6 months. Then he called and we started dating. My husband is the only man I have ever dated, kissed, had sex with and I have never cheated. Our sexual life, eight years later is wonderful and fullfilling.

But we could never get along. We fought constantly and in our relationship, because I was so young and immature when we got married, he made all the decision, paid the bills, took care of the money while I worked part time, cooked, cleaned and dressed up at night. I was happy, I had a family and someone who loved me.

When our son was born, we started fighting more. I had the blues, I was lonely (he is a workaholic) and I was far, far away from any family members except my SIL from hell. I recently found out that back then, when we fought and my husband left to cool off, he'd slip a recorder under my seat to listen to me cry to my mom. My mom is the only friend I have.

Slowly, things started getting back to normal. But I started becoming unhappy, I felt caged. I was in an authoritarian relationship and I started resenting my husband for a lot of things he did and said to me. And the moment I stated thinking about leaving, I got pregnant a second time and even though I have no proof, I have a feeling my husband sabotaged my birth control.

So recently, we moved to another state and opened a business. Things went downhill from there. Here, I am closer to my family, I am more independant, I keep some cash on me, I want to make friends (he's never approved of any friend I ever attempted to make), go out dancing with him (he wants to know if I'll "grind" on anyone beside him) and we can't get along. So, I tell him I need my space and go to my mother's. He calls his entire family and along with mine, I am bullied into going back 3 days later. He promised we'll work on the marriage, he'll change, he'll stop opening the door with a knife to ask me what I am doing when I lock myself in the bathroom to pee, he won't push, pull and shove me when we argue or record my phone calls. I hope for the best.

3 days later, he comes home from work at 9pm. Tells me he had a dream about my online activities and tells me to turn on my laptop. I comply. He asks me to log into my facebook (I changed my password 2 days earlier because he knew my password and I had a feeling he was checking on me) He read all messages people sent me (found nothing, by the way it says on my page we are married) He checks my email also and finds nothing (no one emails me) When he is done, I felt like he'd taken his fist and shoved it up my ass, I felt naked and raped. I tell him I am done with him and go back to my parents (while looking for an appartment).

He begs me to come back, promises to change, accepts the unaceptable things he does to me and promises to change. To change and I believe him.

But he hasn't changed. When I came back, he told me about a girl he met, who cooked dinner for him once, came to visit him 3 times (2x in our business and once in our home), asked him to leave me for her, promised to be good to him and tried to kiss him (even though he pushed her back *insert snicker here*) Dumb as I am, I stay. On a whim, I ask if she'd been calling and he admits it. I give him an ultimatum, call her with me on the line or we are OVER (and this time, no family would bully me. I was ready) At first he refuses, then tells me he doesn't have her number, then asks for time. I tell him it's done. I start looking for an appartment for me and the kids.

Today, I can honestly say that I am leaving my husband and I am very scared. I am 25 with 2 kids, I only have a HS Diploma but I have a trade. I have no money (everything is under his name) and I am scared ****less. But I am at peace. I am standing up for myself because I know he is cheating and I am refusing to be used, I refuse to be his doormat and it feels good, yes I am sad, I am scared (so very scared) of a future where I will be the failure he promised I'll be just an hour ago, where I might regret fighting back and where my kids will hate me for leaving. But with all these feelings comes an excitement from taking my life into my own hands but I am not at peace. My heart is racing and my mind is numb.

Am I making a mistake in leaving my workaholic/authoritarian/slightly abusive/good father/husband?

Please, I'd take whatever you give. ]]> Separation and Divorce adiaz http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210422 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210397&goto=newpost Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:36:30 GMT So I'm about to break 2+ months of NC.

My girlfriend of 3 years wanted to get married, but got sick of me not putting her first in the relationship. Up until 3 weeks before the break, she was had been hinting alot about marriage.

So do you guys think I should just by a ring and propose to her, or should I setup a coffee date, and try and take it slow? ]]> Separation and Divorce Weezy http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210397 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210361&goto=newpost Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:18:08 GMT I have been married for almost 10 years and we have a handsome 4 year old boy. About 4 months ago, I asked my husband for a separation. I told him... I have been married for almost 10 years and we have a handsome 4 year old boy. About 4 months ago, I asked my husband for a separation. I told him I didn't love him anymore and I didn't know why I just didn't anymore. Our relationship started out young we married when we just turned 21. Well he started to go through a very painful time, trying to win me back, change my mind whatever he could do. I just stood by and gave him no sympathy. During our relationship, my husband would make very hurtful comments on my looks or what I was wearing. Which in turn gave me a very low self-esteem. In the last 4 months, he has started counseling. During his sessions, he has come to terms that the reasoning for that was his own insecurities. He also talks to his counselor regarding his own "shortfalls" as a person due to his upbringing and lack of good parenting from his folks. So he has admitted his faults and has whole-heartedly apologized. Two weeks ago he moved out and I thought I was doing good and over him and happy. Then I found out he has been seeing this 10 year younger girl for approximately a week and the relationship is moving fast. they spend the night with each other whenever they can which is when he doesn't have our son. He was ready to take her to his family's house for Thanksgiving. But he continued to tell me he would take me back in a second if I would take have him. I started just casually dating a guy that is really nice, responsible and overall great guy. However, the situation with him has caused me an emotional overload. It made all my emotions that I suppressed over the last 10 years to surface. I realized I separated from him because I didn't feel special, important, or beautiful with him because all I could hear was the hurtful remarks. I don't know what to do. I am going to start seeing our family therapist tomorrow regarding the self-esteem issues and to get a better outlook on myself. However, my feelings now make me scared. I'm confused. I feel sometimes that I could truly be happy with him since we are both getting help for our insecurities and issues. I don't want to hurt this nice guy that I'm seeing but before all this came about he was genuinely I guy I thought I could like. Now that I have emotional overload I feel that there is fault in him either here or there. I have since shared all this with my husband and he and his gf have slowed way down because he realizes it has caused me so much pain and that's the last thing he wants at this time. He has "left" her a few times because he wants to make sure he has done everything he can because he says I am the love of his life. I'm scared to say yes because what if I get help and feel better about myself and we still wouldn't be happy. Or what if I get help and I want to be with him but he has moved on. I don't want to hurt the guy I am seeing now but I can't help but wonder if my husband could truly make me happy. Any advice?

Sidenote: Through this all, we both make sure that we are there for our son 100%. We put everything aside when it comes to him and there is no arguing or fussing in front of him. We both know that our son is our #1 priority. ]]> Separation and Divorce sass050 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210361 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210355&goto=newpost Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:38:56 GMT Well, I have been reading threads for advice and support without posting my story. I must say Tojaz, you have my respect man. I could really relate... Well, I have been reading threads for advice and support without posting my story. I must say Tojaz, you have my respect man. I could really relate to your story as I gave all the love I had to give to my wife to make her happy and a good life for us and our kids. And Gunny, wow, you are one straight shooter. I hope one day to be that strong.

Well, My wife dropped the bomb that she wanted to move out 9 weeks ago and was done with the marriage. Not being stupid I asked if there was anyone else. She also told me there was someone she was interested in at work, but all they had done was flirt and she didn't want to be a cheater and she realized it was wrong and she needed to get out of her marriage first if she was going to do that. Typical story. Since then it has died off with the OM, as he wasn't interested in her since she is married, though she still is attracted to him I just found out.

Anyway, the backstory...

We met online about 5 1/2 years ago. She had a son from a previous marriage who was 5 at the time. We dated long distance, I eventually moved to her city and we dated, then lived together and I asked her to marry me. We have a 3 year old daughter together and I love them both dearly. I treat my stepson like he is my own as his dad is a piece of work in a lot of ways and not a good parent. After her bad first marriage she was so happy to meet a good guy like me that loved and cherished her...

We bought our dream house 3 years ago and both have good jobs, and a lot of debt that modern life can bring.

I love my wife and did so much to make her happy, similar to a Tojaz story, but I won't go into all the details yet. I just loved her so much and wanted to make her happy that I think I subsumed myself into the relationship too much and lost too much independence. Then I resented that we weren't working through our issues and instead of getting counseling we put it off too long. Our communication suffered and I withdrew from her more than I realized I was doing. I had no idea how unhappy she was though this last year. My wife is very good at putting on a "happy front" as she calls it. It didn't help that I put on a lot of weight as well. She said she didn't care and loved me as I was, for the great dad, amazing man, good friend, lover, all the rest. She wasn't being completely honest with me about it, when she told me she was done she admitted how much the weight bothered her and of course it wasn't attractive. But, that wasn't her fault. I put on the weight and should have done something about it sooner even though I am now. Her wanting to leave hit me in the face like a splash of cold water. I begged and pleaded to give us a chance and basically did all the things they say don't do. She agreed to MC though she said it was still over.

I convinced her not to move out, but we do seperate bedrooms. Except she sleept in ours alot, but I can only blame myself on that as I should put my foot down if I don't want her in there. We went to MC and they said to give it 90 days to see if it truly wasn't salvageable. So we have been in martial counseling now for 9 weeks and it has been a roller coaster. Two steps forward, one step back. She stopped wearing her wedding ring day one, put it back on when the guy rejected her a week later, and then took it off again ever since a week after that. She is trying to keep one foot in the marriage one foot out. She says she is confused now and torn, because I am making all these changes, lost a ton of weight through diet and exercise, and getting stronger mentally. I realized I was sleepwalking through my life and marriage. I was awake now and never want to go back to sleep again. I want it to work out with my wife, but even if it doesn't. I am not stopping getting healthy and fit for me and my daughter and am well on my way.

My wife about 6 months ago, got a trainer got in the best shape of her life and I was so proud of her, what did she do then? She started having an emotional attachment to this guy at work and got attracted to him and that is when she realized she wanted out of our relationship. She says she didn't cheat physically, and I have checked up since and don't think she did, based on a lot of things, and I'm embarrased to admit, some snooping I did, but there was definitely flirting going on until the guy finally stopped it due to the fact she was "married". Lucky me, if he hadn't I'm sure my wife would be gone. I found out they are still talking, but its mainly her trying to keep a friendship with him and him backpeddling from the crazy married lady...

She just doesn't seem to know what she wants. She says she is confused because I am an amazing man, a great dad, the whole package, and she doubts she will ever be able to meet someone like me again, but she cant get over the fact I pulled away from her physically, near the end our sex life was seriously suffering and she became a HD spouse and I a LD one. Our sex life was great when we got together, but suffered as I put on weight and dealing with kids, and work, we just didn't make enough time for it... The weight loss and waking up from sleepwalking through my marriage and life has put my libido in overdrive and my desire for her, and she see that but is confused now. Sometimes she feels that desire for me too and sometimes its awkward and she doesn't.

We are both also in independent counseling as well. So I am working on the why I shut down thing and pulled away. I am learning alot and WILL not do that again now that I realize I have an issue there. I was typical overintelligent guy, I didn't think I had a problem... I did, a big one. When I get overwhelmed in relationships I kind of shut down rather than deal with it. I don't want to be that person anymore, either with my wife or anyone else. Never again.

Here's were I vent a bit: So I am doing a lot better, but she is still on the fence and playing mind games with me and with herself and with the whole pretending to be single and married at the same time. It's like she is trying to open herself up to getting hit on or something. I'm not an idiot... it is just so hard. I want to do the right thing by my kids and can't imagine life without them in it full time or with my wife. I went through the desperate begging phase we all do the first week and haven't gone back there. We have had sex only once in the last 2 months, but other physical intimacy as well, but she push-pulls so much its driving me crazy.

She says she doesn't know how to just flip the switch back on. In her head she was done and thought it was over and never thought I would make all the changes I have made in the last 9 weeks and now she is torn and confused. She can't seem to get past she can be attracted to another person and still be married. That was fun to hear again two days after we had had sex for the first time in two months.... She also told me part of her wants the single life as she has never been out on her own as she went from her Dad's to married to me. I would think single life is past when you are 32 with 2 kids and potentially divorced twice... She has this fantasy land approach to love, that it stays intensive at all times in long term relationships. I see it as something you have to work on, especially both working with 2 kids and lots of couples drift apart. They can reconnect if she would meet me halfway. She said I was the most amazing man she had ever met, but I broke her heart... Then she is crying about losing her best friend and can't imagine me not in her life anymore.

When I asked her what else was out there, that its hard to meet good people like me, and I am a great person, I just got complacent in my marriage and I feel terrible about it. She said, well, I met you didn't I? It could happen again...ouch.

The hardest thing to deal with is that she knows in the past I was briefly married and my wife at the time had an affair with a co-worker I discovered and to have this come up again kills me.

I don't flirt at work. I'm married. To some people just see work as a meat market? geez

Anyway, The last nine weeks have been hell. I have been trying to be strong and hold it together for the kids in the hopes we can salvage our marriage and she has done so much sabotage to our relationship post bomb now I'm not sure what I want anymore. From the ring thing, to this OM thing, to everything. And she still isn't wanting to commit to actually working through all of this, though she says she is trying. It just feels like she is half in it half out, and I either have to lump it or I have to be the one to end it...

I wish now I had been posting all along these last 2 months as all the interactions are running through my head right now from the past few weeks, the ups and downs. The craziness, etc... Maybe its best I didn't as they aren't much different than half the ones already out here. She is reconnecting with old exes on FB and is playing games with my mind. Maybe it can work out, maybe it cant, etc. I am so frustrated!

As someone who has been here before...literally, I know how most these stories end. This OM will change his mind and she will be off to the races, or it will be someone else. Once the spouse says they are done, most times they are. She still says I love you, but some of her actions are not the actions of someone who loves another person. She has said everything but the actual line, I love you but Im not in love with you. I guess in some regards she has, even if those werent the exact words.

I am trying to focus on my kids as they are about to be in a world of hurt I think...

Oh that was the other thing that ticked me off. She said, the kids would be fine, um our stepson wasn't just FINE after her first divorce, he stabalized after she met me and we created a stable home for him. Who knows how he will handle it this time. He already has some anger management issues and trauma from dealing with his Dad whose life is imploding right now as well. As for my daughter, it breaks my heart to think of her shuttled back and forth missing mommy and daddy. She is so happy right now and to think of that happiness taken away and the only home she has ever known.

I'm not stupid, I know they will survive, but its not going to be the same for them for years and the fact that she can be so non-chalant about the kids makes me wonder if I ever knew her at all...

This morning she says she doesn't know how long she can wait for the feelings to come back. She used to want me all day every day and thats just not there anymore, but she is confused and part of her wants this to work and part of her doesn't and she doesn't think its fixable.

She has said this enough times now Im taking the hint. I may be slow thanks to my Publik Skool education, but I am no dummy. I can see the writing on the wall. We have about a month left in our 3 month agreement not to split with the marital counselor and I feel her putting more walls up and getting ready... :(

Also, I am getting to the point of realizing why the hell do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me 100%? That was why she wanted to leave the marriage, whats wrong with me that I would want that. And the whole still attracted to another man crap, but still attracted to me, what are we in high school? And she reconnected with her old boyfriend, he is in a relationship now, but excuse me, my marriage is on the rocks too but I am not looking up old girlfriends... All the crap is getting to me... and now I don't know what I want as I am just the shmuck who is trying to save his marriage and family... :(


I am not even sure why I am posting now when I didn't before except I finally thought I have to start somewhere...and at the rate its devolving downhill I am probably going to need a place to vent if it all goes to pot and figure we can all help each other a bit, whether it works out or doesn't...and maybe I can offer support to others as well, but seeing how much a mess I made (and my wife too) of our marriage, Im not sure I would trust my advice... Plus, I may sound calmish now, I am sure if it all devolves I will be an emotional wreck like everyone else at the beginning of a divorce...

Hanging in there for now,

GD ]]> Separation and Divorce GoodDad http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210355 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210309&goto=newpost Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:26:11 GMT This is my first post here...i'm sure i'll be more concise over time but I appreciate the forum and welcome and feedback/advice:


I'm sure my story is well know by the community.
I got married to my childhood sweetheart and after 3years of marriage things started to deteriorate. She became distant, disconnected more and more and to the point where she was clearly dishonest on a daily basis.
Counseling was mostly blown off by her and never taken seriously and she moved in with her parents. Everyone who knows us (including her family) believe she's made a big mistake but of course none of this is much concilation to me.
Now it's been 3 months that we're seperated and heading towards filing for a civil, non-contentious divorce she seems to overly involved in my life.
Calls/text messages and emails a lot. Says she misses me, wants to know if she can spend the night over, etc. This the woman that would disappear for a day or two without a trace. Ok enough.

I feel that she checked out of our marraige almost 2yrs ago and I suffered to no end trying to do anything to repair/re-energize our marraige in that time.
I can't help but feel a certain disdain for her...I never call or contact her but I'm always courteous when she gets a hold of me. She wears out my ear telling me about her miserable work life, health, mental state. I want to teach her a lesson but I don't want to tip over an outhouse. I don't think she's reconsidering the divorce...i just think she may have some guilt and wants to be friends.

I feel like I need to get the point across to her that I suffered a slow death over 2yrs and this is no clean slate for a new friendship. I just don't know if I should continue to bite my lip, look the other way or to

Does anyone have any advice for a person in this situation? ]]> Separation and Divorce m858 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210309 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210295&goto=newpost Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:34:23 GMT Hi everyone. I need adivice before I drain my head thinking of too many thoughts. I got married sort of fast, thought she was the one. At most times... Hi everyone. I need adivice before I drain my head thinking of too many thoughts. I got married sort of fast, thought she was the one. At most times she still feels that way. When we fight - not so much.. but thats normal right? We both have our things we need to work on or can do better.. but theres another side to her. Shes the type of girl that need the constant feedback of how good she looks, and what I'm noticing now is that when the compliments are coming from other places, shes a sucker for it over time. I've kind of known this, but not to this extent. She got a new VP boss in the middle of the year and she used to tell me hes very friendly, border line flirty ever since they met. I told her to watch out. She would keep me up to date on how he would act towards her, nothing out of the normal guy realm of being around a pretty girl. But i've been noticing stuff and had recently caught her slipping on the computer. She left some windows open and low and behold, a fake email address with flirty emails back and forth with this boss guy. Stuff like, I wish you were here, I wish I was there.. Ill see you soon.. etc.

I dont know how long this has been going on. Or how far its gone. Hes married, has kids.. And this is not the first time of such fake emails I've found. The first one sounded like she was shy but stalkerish to meet some guy in person at work but just liked chatting with him. I dont know if they ever met. I've found ways to keep a monitor on the email.. I'm sure you guys know what Im talking about. I havent read anything too concrete to really bring something solid to her face yet. But I have a feeling with the boss, something will come about in time.

Heres the kicker - before me, she got caught up with a guy who she didnt know was married. She got so hurt by that and now shes doing it herself being married and flirting with a married guy.

I'm really confused.. should I confront her now, wait for more hard evidence. I found his wifes facebook account. Been thinking of contacting her. It kills, literally torturing myself keeping an eye out for something. Or should I stop it now, confront the guy, beat his ass, tell his wife so she can beat his ass too and divorce mine? Or try to work it out, go to counseling, ask her to quit and find another job.. i dunno i dunno.. ]]> Separation and Divorce dun07 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=210295