In Despair

[Guest]

Hello Everyone -

 

I've never posted on here before but I'd like people's advice so I'll try to be brief.

 

My wife and I have been together 4 years and married for eighteen months. I have a two and a half year old little boy and a ten year old stepson.

 

We recently returned from living abroad for 18 months, during which time my wife and I had some relationship problems, caused according to her by me not paying her enough attention or being intimate enough. I'm not perfect, and on reflection maybe I didn't show her the kind of attention she needed at the time, but having said that I love my wife dearly and would do anything for her.

 

Having talked things over we returned home and I agreed (reluctantly) to a trial separation in the hope we could sort things out. However, her actions suggest she wants out of our marriage - she's removed her wedding ring already and seems not to want to contact me at all unless it concerns our son.

 

I'm currently living apart from her and the kids and it's killing me. I have tried talking to her on several occasions and she knows I want nothing more than for us to be together but she won't budge.

 

I see my little boy every other weekend and pick him up from my wife's house. During these visits my wife's attitude at times is cold and business like and it hurts like hell. She seems not to want to try to save our marriage at all and I feel as though it's fizzling out and I'm powerless to stop it.

 

I've had an uneasy feeling for some time that there may be someone else. I found suspicious e-mail evidence of contact with some of her old male friends whilst we were living abroad, but when I confronted her about this she played things down and I went away believing there was nothing to worry about. Since returning home I've asked her on several occasions if there's anyone else and she's denied it every time. I'd like to believe her but the only reasonable explanation I can come to for my wife's indifference toward me and our marriage is that there must be someone else.

 

I miss my wife and kids and just want a chance to work things out.

 

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[LakesideDream]

You are probably correct about their being "someone else". It's typical for the WS to have someone waiting in the wings.

 

You must "go with your gut". Most of us that have had similar experiances did not have the advice available here, thus we looked at everything through rose colored glasses, constantly hoping for the best, against the odds. The world doesen't work that way very often.

 

One serious snag is that you have a child together, in addition to the step. This means you will continue to be in touch with her for decades one way or the other.

 

Take solice that you are not alone. Try and find the truth, and remain as steady as you can.

[Gunny376]

There's a snake in the hen house. She's got someone on her mind ~ and its not you!

 

Is Your Spouse Cheating? Here Are Some Signs of Cheating That Can Help You Decide

 

 

Do you have a "gut feeling" that you can't shake?

 

Is your spouse working longer hours than usual

 

Have you noticed new phone numbers showing up recurrently on your spouse's pager, cell phone bill or caller ID

 

Have you been recieving recurrent hang up phone calls?

 

Has your spouse become more concerned with appearance, such as new grooming habits or new exercise programs?

 

Does your spouse start fights and then leave for long periods of time?

 

Does your spouse look for reasons to be displeased with you and-or the whole family?

 

Does your spouse tell you they need more "space" or "time" to figure things out?

 

Is there a change in sexual drive, such as more OR less sex than usual or unusual requests?

 

Is your spouse being less responsible than usual, such as ignoring household duties or avoiding family activities?

 

Does your spouse become defensive or aloof when asked to account for their whereabouts or spending?

 

Has your spouse become a master at blame shifting when issues arrise with home-finances-children-marriage

 

Has your spouse made an opposite sex friend that they talk about or spend alot of time with?

(It is not uncommon for the cheater to try to prompt a friendship between their spouse and the 3rd party)

[Gunny376]

http://www.philanderers.com/longtrm1.htm

http://www.network54.com/Forum/3551/

 

 

Habits that will give you away

 

One or two minor changed habits by themselves usually don't raise suspicion as they could be attributed on anything. However.... if there are two or more major lifestyle changes, your spouse will begin to wonder what you're up to, especially if your habits seem to change "out of the blue".

 

1. A sudden upturn in your demeanor or outlook on life.

In its initial stages, a new romance can add unaccustomed vitality to your expressions. You may show some of your renewed sense of well being toward your spouse, thereby raising suspicion.

 

2. You're constantly late.

A feature shared by all extramarital affairs is a shortage of time. Because you're forced to steal moments for your lover, there will be a sudden increase in the number of times you're late coming home for dinner, family occasions or official functions.

 

3. Your spouse notices a sudden increase or decrease in sexual interest toward them.

An illicit affair is as likely to heighten as to lower your sexual interest in your spouse. All must appear normal if you want to avoid suspicion. Do not attempt new or unusual sexual positions

 

4. You start being more possessive toward your wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.

This is definitely true when it comes to my briefcase. If asked, my response will be that I caught one of the kid's in my briefcase some time ago and simply don't want them to be able to get into it again. I don't recommend keeping anything suspicious in your wallet. Names in the pocket calendar are coded even if my spouse were to snoop through it

 

5. You come home more often with alcohol on your breath.

"I know where you were... I can smell booze on your breath again... So who were you with?" Unless you've always stayed out one or two nights a week for a drink with your fellow work mates, this will cause suspicion.

 

6. You start talking about getting together with old friends you haven't seen in years.

In your effort to try to find time for your lover, getting together with old friends appears to be a convenient way to account for time away. Make sure your spouse doesn't know too much about them.... particularly how to contact them. [/sIZE]

 

7. You start taking a renewed interest in your appearance.

... And why wouldn't you? You are now "dating" again and you want to look your best. Be careful here. Your spouse will notice this change and wonder why.

 

8. You start shopping for new clothes.

See above No. 7

 

9. You start keeping an overnight bag in your car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.

This makes sense if you have done this all along, but if this is a new thing for you, it can cause suspicion, especially if the bag doesn't contain any sports paraphernalia.

 

10. You order dishes you've never ordered before.

A new love tends to put one into an adventurous mood, often trying new things when with our lovers. Be careful about extending your new tastes too quickly into your other permanent relationship, especially if you have always been hesitant to try new foods before.

 

11. You often "forget" to wear your wedding ring.

This is a HUGE indicator to your spouse that something is up.

 

12. You start working late and on holidays and weekends.

If you start "working" at times that are unusual for you, make sure this can be backed up somehow. What if your spouse tries to call you at "work"?

 

13. You start to insist on answering the phone.

Giving your lover your home phone number is asking for trouble. This can be very touchy if you should have a falling out with your lover. Dashing for the phone every time it rings will cause alarm bells to go off in your spouse's head.

 

14. At odd hours you start remembering things you forgot to do at the office.

Once again, the need for accountable time away from home causes us to look for more creative excuses. This might work for a one time only emergency type of situation. It is NOT a good idea to do this regularly.

 

 

15. You smell of a different soap from the brand at home or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.

This is a biggie folks. Smells are extremely suspicious, particularly unusual smells or odors on you and your clothing.

 

16. You buy your spouse gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.

 

17. You make a point of keeping your car free of paraphernalia belonging to your spouse or the kids.

 

18. You start attending extended seminars or conventions.

 

19. You start using new words and phrases.

 

20. You take a new interest in your anticipated schedule.

 

21. You encourage your spouse to go alone to visit parents or friends.

 

22. You don't look at other women/men as much as you used to.

 

23. You take the dog for much longer walks than you used to.

 

24. Your spouse hears you making more phone calls late at night.

 

25. Your spouse senses a marked change of attitude towards you on the part of your secretary, colleagues or friends.

 

26. You suddenly take up new hobbies or friends that take you out of the house in the evenings and weekends.

 

27. You talk about a movie that you've seen but your spouse hasn't.

 

28. You express opinions on subjects you never used to take an interest in.

 

29. You call out a different name in your sleep or while making love to your spouse.

 

30. You suggest you open up separate checking accounts.

 

31. You suddenly begin like rock and roll when you've always been a country musci fan

 

32. You bring gifts - flowers to your spouse when you've never have before

[Rooster_DAR]

I get so tired of hearing about people who go through this, and it's always the same result.

 

She's seeing someone else, and I'm sorry dude.

 

roost

[Gunny376]

Yours and my eyes are wide open to it now!

 

I pity the next woman that even thinks she can pull the wool over my eyes, and get away with it.

 

My attitude these days is:

 

I'm adult, your adult, I'm not up to game playing, Anytime you want out, just say the word, and I'm going to be the answer to your dreams. I'm straight up front with who and what I'm all about ~ I expect you to be and do the same. You don't have to divulge your past ~ and I don't care how many men you've slept with in your past in so long as you've not got one of those "gifts" that keep on giving, and you're committed to me. You've got one time to get this right ~ so keep it righteous ~ I am. My life is like the front plate glass window at a department store. Its there for all to see. I expect the same. I come home and find the preacher in the house, there had best be a dead "something" he's saying last rights over, a dog, a cat, a hamster or there's going to be questions to answer to. Even then, we just change churches.

 

The wife says she's going to see the male strippers, I'm going to give her my blessing, and $100, she's going to need it for a motel room, because when her ass comes home the key not going to fit the door, and all her clothes are going to be out by the curb for either her or the garbage man to pick-up! Mr. Reality once kicked my ass, we're Bud's now!

[Paysh]

Sounds like my situation did.

 

Outlook = Bleak, my friend.

 

These boards surprise me at how common this situation is.

[RecordProducer]

I'd like to believe her but the only reasonable explanation I can come to for my wife's indifference toward me and our marriage is that there must be someone else.

The thing is regardless of whether there is someone else or not, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Even if there is someone else, she started an affair with him and left you because she wasn't happy with you, not because this other guy suddenly became so important (if there is one).

 

Now the question is: if she IS seeing someone and they break up, would she go back to you? Probably not.

 

Since she is so cold to you, I suggest you move on and request joint custody if you want to spend 50% of the time with your little son. Life goes on and often we realize that divorce was the best option. When my ex left me, I was desperate, too. He was leaving me a few times before he left for good. Five years later... I am happily married to another man.