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Left my wife - and still not sure if I should have


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I've been a lurker here for a while, havent posted before - my apologies for what will sure to be a long post.

 

To sum up my current situation: my wife and I had been together for nearly 8 years, the last 3+ years married. My wife, who's 5 years my junior (I'm 40), had been pressing me to have children, which I've always been on the fence about. I've often followed my wife's lead when it came to anything family-related, as I grew up in a broken home and very independent, so she was pretty much my compass for anything that wasn't work-related. I had a hard time coming to terms getting married, and then a dad - mostly because I didnt have a strong role models for either. This was discussed at length a number of times during our relationship (and in counseling), and I always had hoped that our strong relationship would show me "family" in a different light and I would become more comfortable with it all.

 

Then, last year, I had a number of setbacks - lost my father, had a few undesireable professional turns (which were really hard given how much I associate myself with my work), and had health problems for the first time in my life. All in addition to turning 40. It all got the better of me and I became severely depressed. My wife, who had been extremely loyal, trusting and patient (then and throughout our relationship), was getting frustrated with me - not to mention her own clock counting down. In January of this year, I decided that I wasn't helping either of us in the state I was in and decided to move out.

 

Naturally, my wife became upset with me--for a number of reasons--couldn't believe I was giving up on us, and angry because I was leaving with things so late in the game, so to speak. I tried telling her that I was leaving because I didn't believe in me any more--and that I couldn't continue to follow her lead and be the strong husband she needed. Her frustration must have kicked in because she let me go without too much a fight.

 

Cut to six months later: we had our first mediation session last night. She initiated this, as part of her wanting to move on. Months later, I'm still in self-doubt, seeing a therapist and living a pretty meager existence. My wife, on the other hand, has been moving on - even beginning to date from what I've heard through the rumor mill. I sit in my apartment, still trying to make sense of it all - wondering if my leaving/letting her go was the right thing to do. I'm just so in doubt about being the husband that she needs (and in the timeframe that she needs it), it lead me to believe she just needs to find someone that doesn't question who they are.

 

Then, the mediator said "divorce" last night for the first time, and all of sudden I flashed back to us making our vows - I just couldn't believe I was sitting in this situation.

 

It all makes me so terribly sad - I can't believe that we'd ever be saying good-bye to one another. I just love her so much--and feel such a strong, soulful connection. I always looked at her face and thought to myself "this is who I love from now until I die."

 

Sorry if this is so emotional and overly dramatic. I'm just still in shock -- several months later and even though I'm the one that brought this all to bear.

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Do you want to try? Can you try? If you want her back, go to her, explain your fears and ask her to try again. What is holding you back? You love her, you want to be with her. You are afraid of having a family because of the way you grew up--don't you think you do better with your own family?

 

I made a comment to my oldest (16) once and apologized for making bad choices when it came to father figures for him and what kind of father would he make not having a good role model growing up. He told me he will be everything he never had.

 

Yeah your W is moving on--good for her. Why should she wait for you to come down off the fence? She's stood by you, waited for you and you don't have the ***** to stand up for what you want. If you want this woman, then go to her--she is not going to come to you. She is still there, she is still trying and hoping or she wouldn't be going to counselling with you. Get off your pity wagon "I'm not good enough" blah blah blah and do something about it.

 

I don't mean to run you down so I apologize if it comes across that way. But life will not wait for you and you are probably ruining the best thing that could ever happen to you because you have no confidence in yourself. She must have some in you to be waiting and trying--you are worth something to her.

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I agree with Lor.

 

Her frustration must have kicked in because she let me go without too much a fight.

 

This comment upsets me. Are you expecting a different reaction? You are the one who left. Do you want her to keep chasing you and trying to convince you to come back, degrading herself? She's probably reading all the advice on divorce which tells us not to chase, cry, beg, plead. And if she's not doing that, then it looks like she has a very health level of self esteem. Why would you want her to degrade herself by begging you to come back? You are the one who left, so the ball is in your court. You really need to decide what you want in life. Dont let fear control your life. If you want out, get out. If you want her back, then tell her. If you really really dont want kids, not because of fear, but because you dont want them, then let her go. She will resent you for not having kids, or you will resent her for having kids.

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If you really really dont want kids, not because of fear, but because you dont want them, then let her go. She will resent you for not having kids, or you will resent her for having kids.

 

Or having children could turn your whole life around. They may be the miracle you need to see what a good person you are and what a good father you can be. Kids are scary but they are the most fulfilling part of adulthood. Learn from the mistakes your parents made growing up and teach your children to be the kind and loving parents that you always wanted.

 

But if you really don't want kids, then please don't. And please do as Dgiirl says and let your W go if she does. That is robbing her of one of God's greatest gifts to people.

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Last Mohegan

The words "may" and "could" should never, in my opinion, be in the same thought process when deciding whether or not to have a child. Please, please, if there is a single doubt in your mind about wanting a child~~DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN!!!! What if your "may" and "could" don't pan out?

 

Or having children could turn your whole life around. They may be the miracle you need to see what a good person you are and what a good father you can be. Kids are scary but they are the most fulfilling part of adulthood. Learn from the mistakes your parents made growing up and teach your children to be the kind and loving parents that you always wanted.

 

But if you really don't want kids, then please don't. And please do as Dgiirl says and let your W go if she does. That is robbing her of one of God's greatest gifts to people.

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whichwayisup

If you love her and want this marriage to work, continue with therapy and GO to marriage counselling. Open up and communicate with your wife, make things good again. Fight for her if that's what you want.

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