Jump to content

Divorce, or no divorce, advise!


Recommended Posts

I recently found out my husband of 14 years was convicted of a crime prior to our starting to date. I saw a letter in his parents house releasing him from parole. When I asked him about it he was reluctant to talk about it. As it turned out, he hired a thug to beat a co-worker over a $50.00 dollar bet. The man almost died after being beated with a baseball bat and left for dead. My husband says he did not know this man would be beaten so badly, and he is ashamed. Not ashamed enough, however, since he threatened my daughter's father with the same treatment if my ex did not leave us alone. Admittedly, my ex was a no-good, dead beat dad who occasionally took drugs, but he was always very loving to our daughter and had a great relationship with her. After the threat, my daughter saw her father only at family dinners and occasions when the grandmother would have visitation, so he obviously took the threat seriously. My daughter was devistated that her daddy did not see her anymore, and I was totally confused as to why. he is dead for 5 years now, and she will never have the chance to have that relationship back. I believe he has also threatened me saying "you better watch your step because you have no idea what I am capable of". He said this only twice and it was at the begining of our marriage 14 years ago, and I do not feel threatened by him, but I can not forgive him for what he did to my daughter, and I feel disgusted by his actions with the co-worker. We do not have a good relationship, and I find myself doing everything I can to avoid spending time with him. We have 2 boys ages 10 and 11 together and they love him and would be sad if he left us. Still, I think we need to divorce - what do you think?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It has been my experience that once the "D" word is introduced into a marriage, it's the seed of trouble that will grow out of control. Your marriage is in critical condition and you don't sound like you're in a space where you might want to save it by seeking counselling.

 

Trust is like virginity, once compromised it can never be regained.

 

Get a divorce and try to stay alive in the process. You will also need to give these facts to your attorney so he can take steps to protect you. Even though you may feel safe around your husband now, any man who would pay somebody to beat a man who owed him $50 is capable of anything. Protect yourself...this man could be major problems for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I believe he has also threatened me saying "you better watch your step because you have no idea what I am capable of". He said this only twice and it was at the beginning of our marriage 14 years ago...

I really try not to advise divorce. However, since your H has proved that he is capable of violence, I agree you have a real problem on your hands. Whether you stay or go, please keep his potential for violence in your mind and always have a safe plan for you and your daughter.

 

But what am I saying...if you cannot trust him 110% with your and your daughter's safety, then he cannot really be a good husband to you. I'm thinking the same way as Tony.

 

And it bears repeating...STAY SAFE. Any signs you show of thinking "Divorce" or "Leaving" will greatly increase the threat level. If you do decide to leave this man, I would not recommending having conversations about it ahead of time. And also...please do not let him get hold of this thread. Do not use the computer at home. Call me paranoid, but I am scared for you.

 

Hugs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It has been my experience that once the "D" word is introduced into a marriage, it's the seed of trouble that will grow out of control. Your marriage is in critical condition and you don't sound like you're in a space where you might want to save it by seeking counselling.

 

Trust is like virginity, once compromised it can never be regained.

 

Get a divorce and try to stay alive in the process. You will also need to give these facts to your attorney so he can take steps to protect you. Even though you may feel safe around your husband now, any man who would pay somebody to beat a man who owed him $50 is capable of anything. Protect yourself...this man could be major problems for you.

 

I agree with Tony T. Lyinig by ommission is still a lie ~ just as much as a direct ball-faced lie.

 

There's no call for threatening someone ~ the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. To me this guy is like a piece of old ordance on a bombing range ~ it may have been laying out there for up-teen years ~ but if it goes off in your face ~ you'll still be just as dead.

 

I use to work at a millwork factroy ~ where some of the employees that I supervised were work-release inmates from the Department of Corrections. These guys seldom if ever change. While they're locked up ~ they find Christ, Alllaha, Budda ~ whatever. The recitisisom rate is between 60% ~ 70%.

 

Once a man's lost a woman's respect ~ its gone ~ and there's no getting it back ~ no matter how hard he tries. Without respect ~ there can be no loving hm. It sounds to me as though you're at the point to where you loathe him ~ let alone have any respect for him.

 

Life's too short ~ it truly is ~ and once you get past the age of 40 ~ the years start to fly by. The younger you are ~ these are the best years of your life. I wouldn't waste them. When they're gone ~ they're gone! And you can never get them back, not even one second.

 

I would rather be single and alone ~ than to be married and miserable. Youi can't go wrong by yourself. Coming out of a long term relationship and going to be single and alone takes some adjusting ~ and getting use to ~ but after awhile you get to where you just don't want to be bothered. I've come to enjoy being single and coming and doing as I want to when I want to, how I want to, and as I damn well please. All without having to answer to someone else about why I did something or didn't do something. I for~sure don't miss the drama, the stress, the worrying etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

sole mate,

you asked me if I can trust my husband 110% with my and my daughters safety, and despite the implied threat "you don't know what I am capable of"(and he may have been referring to something else entirely, not the hiring a thug thing) I do not feel threatened, physically.

 

My bigger concern is that he is capable of making horrible life altering decisions that have devistating consequences for me and my children without consulting me, such as effectivly removing my daughter's father completely from her life. He knew at the time that I wanted her to have a relationship with her dad, and how confused I was that he stopped seeing her, and how hard I tried to bridge this gap between them and how devistated she was and still is. Yet still my husband feels justified with his actions because it gave him what he wanted - my ex out of our lives, and revenge on my ex and daughter both because my daughter loved her dad more than my husband, and that's more important to him than...

 

Oh...I just got it....he could get dangerous with me or her if i bring up a divorce that he does not want and he will feel justified in his actions because it will get him what he wants, even if it's only revenge.

 

Now I feel a whole lot less safe.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I recently found out my husband of 14 years was convicted of a crime prior to our starting to date. I saw a letter in his parents house releasing him from parole. When I asked him about it he was reluctant to talk about it. As it turned out, he hired a thug to beat a co-worker over a $50.00 dollar bet. The man almost died after being beated with a baseball bat and left for dead. My husband says he did not know this man would be beaten so badly, and he is ashamed. Not ashamed enough, however, since he threatened my daughter's father with the same treatment if my ex did not leave us alone. Admittedly, my ex was a no-good, dead beat dad who occasionally took drugs, but he was always very loving to our daughter and had a great relationship with her. After the threat, my daughter saw her father only at family dinners and occasions when the grandmother would have visitation, so he obviously took the threat seriously. My daughter was devistated that her daddy did not see her anymore, and I was totally confused as to why. he is dead for 5 years now, and she will never have the chance to have that relationship back. I believe he has also threatened me saying "you better watch your step because you have no idea what I am capable of". He said this only twice and it was at the begining of our marriage 14 years ago, and I do not feel threatened by him, but I can not forgive him for what he did to my daughter, and I feel disgusted by his actions with the co-worker. We do not have a good relationship, and I find myself doing everything I can to avoid spending time with him. We have 2 boys ages 10 and 11 together and they love him and would be sad if he left us. Still, I think we need to divorce - what do you think?

 

"Run Forrest! Run!"

Link to post
Share on other sites
...he could get dangerous with me or her if i bring up a divorce that he does not want and he will feel justified in his actions because it will get him what he wants...

Right. He has shown many times that he doesn't care who he hurts or how he hurts them. Physically, emotionally. Or what the reason is. His actions separating your daughter from her father are amazingly cruel.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

There's no call for threatening someone ~ the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. To me this guy is like a piece of old ordance on a bombing range ~ it may have been laying out there for up-teen years ~ but if it goes off in your face ~ you'll still be just as dead.

 

 

 

Once a man's lost a woman's respect ~ its gone Without respect ~ there can be no loving hm.

 

Life's too short ~ it truly is ~ and once you get past the age of 40 ~ the years start to fly by. The younger you are ~ these are the best years of your life. I wouldn't waste them. When they're gone ~ they're gone! And you can never get them back, not even one second.

 

Thanks, Gunny

This advice is very thought provoking. I already feel that I have wasted a good part of my life with a man I didn't have much respect for even before I found out about the violence and threats. This is why I avoid spending any time with him.

 

The respect thing has been a problem for some time. He is NOT by nature a good man. Most decisions he makes are pretty flawed and extremely selfish. On the surface, he appears to be a kind, hardworking, fun loving guy, and is able to maintain this falsehood outside of our home. When we dated, this is who I thought him to be. Once we married and I was pregnant, a different attitude appeared. I was treated for depression for several years, got counceling and am confident in myself, but was left with no respect for my husband.

 

My life is not horrible, however. I am not in a typically abusive relationship. I do what I want and go where I please. I have an entire network of friends who are totally seperate from my husband. I have been able to stay at home and raise my family and be supported financially by my husband. I have maintained my professional license, and have the capability to earn a salary equal to or greater than my husbands. My boys love their father and I've wanted them to have him in their lives. On a day by day basis, I am not desperately unhappy.

 

The problem is ~ what other things has he done in the past to adversly affect our lives, and what is he potentially capable of doing in the future? Obviously, I can live with someone I do not love, trust or respect, I've been doing it for quite some time. If I divorce my husband, it will be a huge change for us, and it's so easy to just let the days go by, since we live in relative peace, but I can't get past the thoughts that I am squandering days that should be spent with someone I love and admire. I don't want to live alone, and would date and marry again, for sure. I know for certain that I do not want to spend my future with my husband, and that if I had only a short time left to live, I would deeply regret having spent my life this way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
he is dead for 5 years now, and she will never have the chance to have that relationship back

 

Are you saying that your daughter's father has been dead for five years? I am very confused, but it is clear that you have a mess on your hands and need to seek the advice of an attorney.

 

J

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

933KJL,

I have a daughter by my first husband. I married my current husband when my daughter was 4 years old. Several years after this, my husband threatened my ex to stay away from us (without my knowledge). He stayed away, and my daughter lost her bond with her real dad. My daughters dad died when my daughter was 12 years old. She has always felt that he did not know how much she loved him, and has so few actual memories of him because she was so young when he stopped seeing her regularly.

 

After I found an old letter releasing my current husband from parole, my current husband told me about threatening my first husband, and how he hired a thug to beat a co-worker over $50.00 bucks. Prior to this I had no knowledge of just how bad a person my husband is, and I am afraid of what he will do in the future, since he is so lacking in morals.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...