wife blames me

[ronehog]

My wife had an affair. When I found out I was angry and yell at her even called her names. But I have since forgiven her and said lets move on. This all happened six months ago.

 

She says that she is terrified of me because I was angry. She asked for separation so that she could have some time because I made it unbearable to live with me.

 

I am seeing a counselor - she goes every now and then. She continues to say she wants to work it out but that this whole thing is my fault.

 

Can anyone explain what is going on and give me some direction.

[crazy_grl]

Hard to say. If you went totally nutso and were truely terrifying and hit her or started weilding a knife or something then she's probably telling the truth. If you didn't do anything too drastic, then maybe she's just looking for a way to push the blame onto you. That way it's your fault the marriage is over and she doesn't have to feel as guilty about her cheating. But like I said, it's hard to say with just the info you've given.

[ronehog]

No I didn't do anything like that. I would never hit my wife or try to scare her. Do you think she wants a divorce and just can't tell me. I feel like a yoyo.

[crazy_grl]

I don't know whether she wants a divorce. What is it that makes you think that she does but won't tell you? Does she say just the separation is your fault or does she say the affair is your fault too?

[iron_m]

If she had an affair, then she has responsibility on that.

and you have responsibility for losing control.

 

now one thing:

if she had an affair it is not just to say:

(her) I'm sorry

(you) OK, I forgive you

(both) let's move on.

 

I think that you have to be sure that the affair is over and that she REALLY wants to work it out...

[ronehog]

She says that the separation is my fault. The affair is the other guys fault. In anger I said why don't you just go back to him and she replied. I hate him he is the reason I am in the situation I am in. She feels real guilty about the know thing and can not face telling someone about it (that is why she can not see her counselor).

 

I don't understand and if I mention going to counseling or what is going on with us. She says I am pressuring her and she needs space. By the way there are no time frames on the separation. I asked how long when I was signing a lease and she said I was pressuring her. I signed a six month lease.

[ronehog]

i am sure that the affair is over. She quite her job where he works and she does not talk to him (I have seen the phone records).

 

However, she goes out more now with her girlfriends and she no longer wears her wedding ring. She said that I am not treating her like a wife so she is not going to wear the ring until she feels like my wife again.

 

I am trying to let that slide since the ring meant nothing to her before.

 

It is like she wants to be single again after 17 years of marriage, 2 children (14 and 9) and I hope it is just a phase.

 

Any similars out there?

[Gunny376]

It was the same song,...........................

 

Everything I said and did was wrong ~ and everything I didn't say and do was wrong ~ and it was all my fault.

 

In retrospect ~ I can see where I went wrong in a lot of areas, and in a lot of ways. Not that I wasn't a good and faithful husband and dedicated father ~ it was just that my mindset ~ as to what that meant ~ was ingrained by my Grandfathers ~ who more or less raised me. Back in their day holding down a job, being a man of characther, integrity, honor, that took care and provided for his family ~ who didn't drink up, nor gamble away the rent money ~ kept his family clothed and fed, and who didn't whore around ~ was sufficient. Nowday's it appartently not!

 

My problems started WAY before I knew they had ~ and in looking back ~ I see it with crystal clarity. Look at the wife's friends ~ and their marriages ~ and I'm willing to bet my next month's retirement check that they're having problems ~ thus the dommino effect. Its very common in the military that one couple is having problems ~ and pretty soon the whole damn block is having problems, and getting divorce.

 

With the XW she started working with a woman ~ whose husband was hitting the bozze prettty hard. She was cheating on him ~ he knew in his gut that she was ~ he just couldn't catch her ~ nor get the goods on her. She was involved as a Den Mother with the Boy Scouts ~ and the guy she was cheating with was also an adult leader of the Boy Scouts.

 

I was on my second tour on the Drill Field at the time ~ rough duty ~ very stressfull duty. At 29 I was laying in bed with chest pains ~ stress. Had a knot grow on my forehead about half the size of a golfball ~ stress. Routinely put in 70 hours a week at work.

 

The XW had been large before I meet her ~ had lost the weight ~ down to 5'4 ~ 100 to 110 pounds. Of course that took its toll on her boobs ~ I didn't care ~ I didn't marry her for boobs.

 

She put in to get some store bought boobs ~ which I was oppossed to ~ because I don't believe in going under the knife un-less you absolutely have to! But, she got to crying ~ and one part just to get her to shut up about it~ and one part epathy ~ I relented.

 

From then on ~ it was on! She thought she was God's gift to men! It all went downhill from there.

 

Got orders to Okinawa, Japan on a three years tour.

 

Let me set the stage for you. At Camp Hansen ~ there are 5,500 Marines in the youth of life, fit, in shape, mostly in their 20's and 30's, with biceps and 12 packs. And 256 very happy American WM's (Women Marines ) On Oki there are 40,000 Marines, Sailors, Airmen, and Soliders ~ mostly un-accompanied (wives and GF's are back Stateside)

 

Well with this situation ~ plus the new store bought boobs ~ the XW lost her mind! Girls night became everynight from Thursday through Friday. There was nothing I could say nor do ~ even though I hadn't done anything wrong.

 

Lesson's learned?

 

What it takes to get her ~ is what it takes to keep her

 

You've got to date your mate.

 

You can't take anything in marriage for granted.

 

The time to prevent your divorce is the day you get married.

 

You've got to keep your wife interested in you and you alone.

 

Marriage to survive required pro-active maintenance ~ not reactive maintenance.

 

Relationships? Easy to get into, hard to maintain ~ and even harder to get out of.

 

Women ~ while capable of being the most rational and logical of beings ~ do not always make decisions based upon logic and rational thinking ~ women are much more in-tune with their emotions ~ and thus make decisions based upon emotions which often are influenced by intutitve reasonig rather than logical and rational thinking ~ further complicated by bio-chemical hormones that rage through their bodies periodically each month for the better part of their lives.

 

A woman's MLC does not equal a man's MLC (MLC= Midlife Crisis) nor does it co-exsist within the same sphere or reality

 

Women have a MUCH more difficult time accepting the ravages of time and aging than men do.

 

Reality has TEETH! And, most defiantely bite you in your azz!

 

Love is the dilussion that any one given woman has something to offer that the other 3 billion or so women on the planet don't have or have to offer?

 

There are no shortage of women.

 

Letting go ~ is freedom!

 

Less = More!

 

Giving = Receving tenfold!

 

All human interaction, choices, are made on the basis of "fear" and "desire"

 

AS you think ~ begets how you believe ~ how you believe ~ begets your attitude ~ your attitude begets how you live!

 

You can't lose something you've never had!

 

You! And you alone hold the keys to the chains that bind you!

 

When pointing fingers ~ look at the three that you've got pointing back at yourself.

 

You own worse enemy in all of this ~ is yourself!

 

To thy own self, be true!

[crazy_grl]

Well I don't really think I can offer you much advice on what to do, but from what you've said, it sounds like your wife has a problem with not taking responsibility for her own actions. I can't stand people who won't take their share of the blame for what they've done. If I were you, I'd get on with my life until my wife came to her senses, if she ever did. But I've never been married and I don't like dealing with a lot of nonsense, so maybe that's not the right thing to do.

[Lollie72]

i am sure that the affair is over. She quite her job where he works and she does not talk to him (I have seen the phone records).

 

However, she goes out more now with her girlfriends and she no longer wears her wedding ring. She said that I am not treating her like a wife so she is not going to wear the ring until she feels like my wife again.

 

I am trying to let that slide since the ring meant nothing to her before.

 

It is like she wants to be single again after 17 years of marriage, 2 children (14 and 9) and I hope it is just a phase.

 

Any similars out there?

 

Your wife may be scared or your temper as unfortunately I am of my spouse, but her actual actions that were detrimental to the marriage are her stuff to take responsibility for. The only part you have a responsibility to look at and should wonder if you can regret and aplagize for is the possible anger issue. There are different ways to show unhealthy anger. In my case my spouse didn't weild a knife, he shouted at me for long periods of time while driving in the car so I was a captive audience. I wanted to JUMP> and he blocked my exit of rooms at first and tried to MAKE me talk to him, thus inadvertently threatening my safety by forcing me to stay against my will. WHich of course made me want to flee even more.

[reservoirdog1]

She says that the separation is my fault. The affair is the other guys fault.

Well, I have to give her credit -- she's very skillful at dodging responsibility. The separation is your fault, the affair is the OM's fault. How handy! Notice how that doesn't leave any fault for her, the cheater? Ingenious!

 

Based on what you described, I don't buy that she's scared of your temper. Getting angry at being betrayed is a normal, acceptable human response. Sounds like your anger was within the normal range.

 

She won't go to counselling and goes out without her ring on. She's living the single life for all intents and purposes.

 

I suggest you start doing the same. Start acting like an active, confident guy who doesn't give a s*** what she does. Don't mope, don't ask her to discuss the marriage. Have as little contact with her as possible -- and leave it to her to initiate contact. Update your hairstyle and your wardrobe, and start getting in shape if you aren't already. If anything will make her miss you and want you back, it's the idea that she actually stands to lose you. Right now she has you as her "security blanket", the guy who will take her back when she's finished having her fun. Pull the rug out from under her feet -- that's the thing most likely to jar her awake.

[Sup]

She says that the separation is my fault. The affair is the other guys fault. In anger I said why don't you just go back to him and she replied. I hate him he is the reason I am in the situation I am in. She feels real guilty about the know thing and can not face telling someone about it (that is why she can not see her counselor).

 

I don't understand and if I mention going to counseling or what is going on with us. She says I am pressuring her and she needs space. By the way there are no time frames on the separation. I asked how long when I was signing a lease and she said I was pressuring her. I signed a six month lease.

 

She's NOT accepting resposibility for HER actions, she's blaming EVERYONE but herself. She also doesn't want to confront what she has done, by NOT going to marrige counseling and saying that she feels real guilt. By her saying she needs space and getting an apartment ALL her own AND her not wearing her wedding ring also signifies that she's looking around for guys for sex, sorry to say. It looks like she just wants to play around and have YOU waiting for her, and YOU being faithful to her while SHE has ALL the fun. If I were you I would contact a lawyer see what YOUR rights are. Was the separation papers drawn up before or after her leaving, if AFTER ask your lawyer about ABANDONMENT. Your marriage may be over I'm sad to say. Would anyone like to add to this? I hope I'm wrong on all this, but this is what it looks like to me.

[norajane]

She says that the separation is my fault. The affair is the other guys fault. In anger I said why don't you just go back to him and she replied. I hate him he is the reason I am in the situation I am in. She feels real guilty about the know thing and can not face telling someone about it (that is why she can not see her counselor).

 

I don't understand and if I mention going to counseling or what is going on with us. She says I am pressuring her and she needs space. By the way there are no time frames on the separation. I asked how long when I was signing a lease and she said I was pressuring her. I signed a six month lease.

 

If she will not take any responsibility for her affair, if she won't discuss it with a counselor, if she goes out with her friends without her ring, there is no way to save this marriage. She's not lifting a finger to do so. Worse, she is blaming you for HER affair.

 

If I were you, I'd see a divorce lawyer immediately. Why would you want to hang around waiting to see if she comes around? Why would you want to be with a woman who won't even admit that she did something wrong by having an affair?

[Billy Bob]

I suggest you start doing the same. Start acting like an active, confident guy who doesn't give a s*** what she does. Don't mope, don't ask her to discuss the marriage. Have as little contact with her as possible -- and leave it to her to initiate contact. Update your hairstyle and your wardrobe, and start getting in shape if you aren't already. If anything will make her miss you and want you back, it's the idea that she actually stands to lose you. Right now she has you as her "security blanket", the guy who will take her back when she's finished having her fun. Pull the rug out from under her feet -- that's the thing most likely to jar her awake.

 

Ahh, someone else who's gone through it and come out the other side! YES, this is the key -best advice so far on this thread.

[Lollie72]

Well, I have to give her credit -- she's very skillful at dodging responsibility. The separation is your fault, the affair is the OM's fault. How handy! Notice how that doesn't leave any fault for her, the cheater? Ingenious!

 

Based on what you described, I don't buy that she's scared of your temper. Getting angry at being betrayed is a normal, acceptable human response. Sounds like your anger was within the normal range.

 

She won't go to counselling and goes out without her ring on. She's living the single life for all intents and purposes.

 

I suggest you start doing the same. Start acting like an active, confident guy who doesn't give a s*** what she does. Don't mope, don't ask her to discuss the marriage. Have as little contact with her as possible -- and leave it to her to initiate contact. Update your hairstyle and your wardrobe, and start getting in shape if you aren't already. If anything will make her miss you and want you back, it's the idea that she actually stands to lose you. Right now she has you as her "security blanket", the guy who will take her back when she's finished having her fun. Pull the rug out from under her feet -- that's the thing most likely to jar her awake.

 

Those are the first things to look for when trying to figure out if your spouse is cheating. It would make him look very guilty of going out there too and slutting around.

[Lollie72]

Ahh, someone else who's gone through it and come out the other side! YES, this is the key -best advice so far on this thread.

 

I'd advise to withdraw attention if he cannot be kind to her, and yes work on his dependent and victim attitude. But to "pull the rug out," those are aggressive fighting words psychologically....think about it. Remember the woman will reply in kind....she will act war-like >REACTING<back in return....be careful. You don't want her to be REACTIVE, she will make more mistakes and be more negative and more angry and withdrawn...This is how it goes in abusive homes with adolescents, the kid make a little error, the parent slaps him on the wrist. then the kids does a bit bigger, until its the "frog boiling in water(that has been brought up slowly temperature-wise" and the parent is outrageouslyand ABUSIVELY beating the kid into submission to control him.

[reservoirdog1]

I'd advise to withdraw attention if he cannot be kind to her, and yes work on his dependent and victim attitude. But to "pull the rug out," those are aggressive fighting words psychologically....think about it. Remember the woman will reply in kind....she will act war-like >REACTING<back in return....be careful. You don't want her to be REACTIVE, she will make more mistakes and be more negative and more angry and withdrawn...This is how it goes in abusive homes with adolescents, the kid make a little error, the parent slaps him on the wrist. then the kids does a bit bigger, until its the "frog boiling in water(that has been brought up slowly temperature-wise" and the parent is outrageouslyand ABUSIVELY beating the kid into submission to control him.

Lollie, nobody's saying he should become abusive in any way. Right now, she is living like a single person and has little or no respect for him. That's because he's still clearly pining for her, and making that fact clear to her as well. For a cheating spouse, that's one of the most unattractive and uncompelling things to witness from the one they're betraying.

 

What he SHOULD do is, start living his own life. Nobody says he has to go out and become the town bicycle -- he simply needs to seem confident, outgoing, happy, and a little bit cocky. He needs to present the appearance of somebody whose life and happiness don't depend on her presence or her approval.

 

She's not going to up the ante. How can she? She's already ring-less, probably carrying on with the OM (or multiple OMs) and going out clubbing all the time without him. The only way she could escalate the situation would be to blow some guy in front of him. She's already gone -- he wants to get her back. And acting mopey, sad and dependent, like a puppy that just got kicked, isn't going to accomplish that.

 

This is absolutely textbook. I'd never have believed it until I experienced it myself. Almost three years ago, now-XW revealed her serial cheating throughout the marriage and her desire to split up. At my urging, we tried to reconcile for a couple of months but she put in a half-assed effort, and finally said she didn't want to try anymore. Over the next month I packed, slept on the living room couch, and went out a lot in the evenings. I lost weight and exercised more. And a week after moving out, I flew to Vegas with friends. And guess what? She called me on day three of the trip and begged me to move back in.

 

Long story short, we stayed apart and are now divorced. But the power of this approach is mind-blowing.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your separation -- hope you're doing okay.

[Lollie72]

Lollie, nobody's saying he should become abusive in any way. Right now, she is living like a single person and has little or no respect for him. That's because he's still clearly pining for her, and making that fact clear to her as well. For a cheating spouse, that's one of the most unattractive and uncompelling things to witness from the one they're betraying.

 

What he SHOULD do is, start living his own life. Nobody says he has to go out and become the town bicycle -- he simply needs to seem confident, outgoing, happy, and a little bit cocky. He needs to present the appearance of somebody whose life and happiness don't depend on her presence or her approval.

 

He needs to present the appearance...........to manipulate whom to do what?????game player, do you think you might be?.

[Billy Bob]

This is absolutely textbook. I'd never have believed it until I experienced it myself. Almost three years ago, now-XW revealed her serial cheating throughout the marriage and her desire to split up. At my urging, we tried to reconcile for a couple of months but she put in a half-assed effort, and finally said she didn't want to try anymore. Over the next month I packed, slept on the living room couch, and went out a lot in the evenings. I lost weight and exercised more. And a week after moving out, I flew to Vegas with friends. And guess what? She called me on day three of the trip and begged me to move back in.

 

Long story short, we stayed apart and are now divorced. But the power of this approach is mind-blowing.

 

Reservoirdog1! Yes, my experience as well. It always seem that they want what they can't have. As long as they have you, they don't want you. As soon as your over them, they recognize that your going to be happy without them and they suddenly decide they want you back. It really is amazing. Very common occurance with the WAS syndrome.

[reservoirdog1]

He needs to present the appearance...........to manipulate whom to do what?????game player, do you think you might be?.

Well, you needn't take my word for it. If you're so inclined, visit survivinginfidelity.com. It's practically gospel over there.

 

Manipulation, whether overt or subtle, is a fact of life. Do you wear makeup, shave your legs, style your hair, wear attractive clothes, etc., when you go out at night? Of course you do. That, too, is manipulation -- you're masking your non-made-up, natural appearance so as to be seen more favourably by others. Attraction is, to a great degree, based on appearance. And not just among people.

 

If the approach I outlined makes me a game player, then so be it.

[reservoirdog1]

Reservoirdog1! Yes, my experience as well. It always seem that they want what they can't have. As long as they have you, they don't want you. As soon as your over them, they recognize that your going to be happy without them and they suddenly decide they want you back. It really is amazing. Very common occurance with the WAS syndrome.

Exactly, CTA. I think we've found the third certainty in life, after death and taxes.

[Lollie72]

Reservoirdog1! Yes, my experience as well. It always seem that they want what they can't have. As long as they have you, they don't want you. As soon as your over them, they recognize that your going to be happy without them and they suddenly decide they want you back. It really is amazing. Very common occurance with the WAS syndrome.

 

 

Sounds like real commitment phobia..to me.

[Lollie72]

Well, you needn't take my word for it. If you're so inclined, visit survivinginfidelity.com. It's practically gospel over there.

 

Manipulation, whether overt or subtle, is a fact of life. Do you wear makeup, shave your legs, style your hair, wear attractive clothes, etc., when you go out at night? Of course you do. That, too, is manipulation -- you're masking your non-made-up, natural appearance so as to be seen more favourably by others. Attraction is, to a great degree, based on appearance. And not just among people.

 

If the approach I outlined makes me a game player, then so be it.

 

Where your only loved for your appearance and not what or who you really are character-wise!!!!!???????

[ronehog]

My wife is taking effexor and gone to counselor twice. we are moving in the right direction. There is still something that she is afraid to tell me and it is preventing her from moving forward. She does not know that I know what it is.

 

My wife had an abortion as a result of her affair. From her phone records and timing of trips to planned parenthoods abortion site. I know. i can not tell her I know because it causes her a lot of pain.

 

If she understood that I know and forgive her for it. She would be able to relieve some of her stress and we could work on getting back together. should I continue to wait until she is ready to talk (she said she needs time and space) or should I tell her I know and it is okay - I love her and want to be with her forever regardless of her mistakes?

[crazy_grl]

I would say tell her, but then I don't know how your wife will handle it. If she's not ready to deal with it, it could make her very defensive and push her away.

 

Maybe you should talk to her counselor and see what he/she says. The counselor would have a better feel for your wife's state of mind than we would. If you and the counselor think it's a good idea, you could even go with her to a session and tell her there.