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Doubt at the last minute


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 31st May 2006, 8:27 PM   #1
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Doubt at the last minute

I am completely lost. We did the marriage counselor thing and a year and a half of misery (fighting) ....we have even paid our lawyers their retainers. Why now am I having doubt??!!! Why now am I not sure if this is the way to go???

If anyone will talk with me, I will give the details. I am hoping to find some last minute advice before the decision is made and done.

This is agonizing.
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Old 1st June 2006, 2:42 AM   #2
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About the best way I ever herard it expressed

THE DOTTED LINE / WRITTEN AND SUNG BY SKIP EWING

I PROMISED YOU FOREVER I PROMISED TIL THE DAY I DIE

I'M DYIN' NOW,SO HELP ME I SWEAR TO GOD I NEVER MEANT TO LIE

WHY COULDN'T WE BE HAPPY , WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE JUST HELD ON

I PROMISED YOU FOREVER THIS PIECE OF PAPER SAYS FOREVERS ALL GONE

IF WE SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE, YOU'LL GO YOUR WAY, I'LL GO MINE

THERE WILL BE NO TIES THAT BIND IF WE SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

LOVE GET'S LEFT BEHIND

I'M THINKIN' 'BOUT ALL THE TIMES I HELD YOU

I'M THINKIN' THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO END

I'M THINKIN' 'BOUT TEARING UP THIS PAPER

I'M THINKIN' THAT I HATE THIS PEN

IF WE SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE YOU'LL GO YOUR WAY I'LL GO MINE

THERE WILL BE NO TIES THAT BIND IF WE SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

LOVE GETS LEFT BEHIND IF WE SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

I PROMICED YOU FOREVER I PROMICED 'TIL THE DAY I DIE

I'M THINKIN' BOUT ALL THE TIMES I HELD YOU

I'M THINK' THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO END

I PROMISED YOU FOREVER

Your in a grieving process ~ and the greiving has already begun. Your greiving many things ~ the lost of your wife ~ the lost of your marriage ~ the lost of life as you've come to know it ~ the lost of the hopes, dreeams, ambitions that you once had. You're greiving the good times, the cherished memories, the Christmas, Thanksgivings spent together, the anniversaries, the birthdays.

Moreso than just you changing ~ your life ~ your world ~ your entire reality is changing ~ you want to stop it ~ you want to deny it ~ you want it to stop ~ you just want the madness to stop ~ You want to hurting the crying, the shouting to stop ~ why can't we just get along? Why can't it be the way it use to be ~ when it was good? Why can't it be like its suppose to be ~ the past~present~ and future are all blurred into one ~ You want to fix it ~ but you don't know how? You want to make it better ~ but you don't know how. You don't want this ~ but you don't know how to prevent it ~ how to stop it?

Too many hurtful things said and done ~ not enough good things said and done. Too much water over the damn and over the bridge ~ it takes on a life of its own ~ its a monstor that grows and grows with each passing day.

You sit around, in a lonely room ~ with nothing on ~ not the TV not the radio. You stare into space with a 1000 yard stare ~ staring at the walls, the ceiling. You fear your reality. Nothing in your expereince has prepared you for this moment. Not high school, not college, not sports, not the miltary training you may have gone through. A car? You know how to fix. A lamp you know how to fix. A leaky facet ~ you know how to fix. You may be an airline pilot ~ and know how to land a 747 ~ or even an astronaut ~ who knows how to bring a damaged spacecraft back home ~ but ~ this,.................this "thing" you don't know how to fix.

It was suppose to be so simple ~ so easy ~ a blind man could see it ~ one man loving one woman ~ marrying ~ having and raising a family ~ living happily ever after, Amen! But, that's not the way it really is? There's the kids, the bills, the school, the grades, the ball practice, the dance recital, church, the expecations and demands of family and friends, not to mention work and the boss. Working the job that you hate and loathe, working for the boss from Hell ~ who's never satisfied. Your best is never enough ~ and what is all the more ~ everything you say is WRONG, everything you do is WRONG, everything you don't say or do is WRONG!

In comes easy credit ~ "Just sign your name!" they say! No problem they say, and before you know it ~ BAM! Your up to your freaking eyeballs in debt. Now your running around trying to keep the boss, the children, the wife, the creditors happy? You end up being a "slave" and economic slave to the gods of Mastercard, Visa, and Discover.

It get freaking crazy quick, fast, and in a hurry like!

We're bombarded with commercials about what it takes to look younger, tanner, smarter, faster, quicker, ad nausemn.

Recognize that your on the roller coaster of your life! An emotional roller coaster! Its NOT going to be pretty ~ and its NOT going to be fun ~ but there IS another side to and of this.

My biggest advice to you is this ~ if there are children ~ that is your main priortiy! NOT getting laid, finding someone else, finding the love of your life! The single most precious asset of your marriage ~ ARE those children.

Now is the time for you to "man~up" and be a man ~ and to put your wants, needs, and desires aside for those children. Don't become a "Disneyland Dad" don't give into their every want and need ~ be a Dad!
A loving, caring ~ "Im here for you ~ there for you, Dad!"

"Suck It up! Ruck up, "man~up" ~ move out! Move on! Learn! Adapt, and overcome! Solider on!" And, yea! I know its a bitch! An all day "mother____________!" I know its hard ~ all day hard!

God bless

Guns

Last edited by Gunny376; 1st June 2006 at 2:54 AM..
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Old 1st June 2006, 4:31 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunny376
My biggest advice to you is this ~ if there are children ~ that is your main priortiy! NOT getting laid, finding someone else, finding the love of your life! The single most precious asset of your marriage ~ ARE those children.

Now is the time for you to "man~up" and be a man ~ and to put your wants, needs, and desires aside for those children. Don't become a "Disneyland Dad" don't give into their every want and need ~ be a Dad!
A loving, caring ~ "Im here for you ~ there for you, Dad!"

"Suck It up! Ruck up, "man~up" ~ move out! Move on! Learn! Adapt, and overcome! Solider on!" And, yea! I know its a bitch! An all day "mother____________!" I know its hard ~ all day hard!

God bless

Guns

The last thing you should do is put your "wants, needs and desires" aside for anything or anyone, and that includes the children--strong as that sounds. A child growing up with a miserable, unhappy, completely frustrated parent will gain nothing but confusion, depression and anger in his or her young life. They absorb everything, and in this case, will need a lifetime to sort out and expel the resentment of a parent from their own personalities.

Your children are a priority, and that means a healthy parent is, for them, their priority. Think carefully about why you got to the point you now find yourself, why "divorce" became the answer, and see if it truly cannot be repaired--for it is an overwhelming step. However, no one should be held captive to a terrible, loveless marriage (if that is where you find yourself) and that includes children. And then of course you should pursue your life with the idea of new love, another chance, the idea of realizing an ignored goal--with all your energy and confidence that you can (and must) pull together. Life does not have to be a "bitch"--it may be tough, but it can be wonderful. Forget the empty room, the beer bottles, the zombie-like t.v.watching...Get a clear head on what you are doing, make your decision, and then "live wonderfully, to the point of tears" (Albert Camus)
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Old 1st June 2006, 5:01 AM   #4
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15years - I would like to hear your details. We don't even know if you are a man or a woman. Gunny clearly assumed you are a man; for some reason, I had imagined you were a woman.

We are in a vacuum. You will find that people here have lots of opinions, experiences, and advice, but we need more from you as a starting point.
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Old 1st June 2006, 11:38 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladyjane14

Although in general discussion, I believe that we shouldn't fail to prioritize the needs of children and the family dynamic as a whole. "Happiness" is fleeting afterall, and I don't believe that taking it at the expense of others can ever result in lasting satisfaction.

I'm willing to concede that if two people are making each other truly miserable to the point where the home is in prolonged and constant chaos.... it's healthier to be apart. But if there's a way to stabilize the home, then there seems to me a genuine responsibility to do so for the sake of the family. Children don't ask to be born. They're born because of the choices adults make.
I don't see why Happiness necessarily must be a "fleeting" thing. Isn't that the very thing we try to raise children to be?

I maintain that there is no household family dynamic whatsoever without dynamic individuals at that household's very root.

The "sake of the children" argument is also one I do not understand when the children, at best, will see unhappy parents living a lie, if a marriage has broken irretrievably down.

No, children do not ask to be born. That means neither did their parents ask to be born. Nor did their grandparents....We can take this pointlessly ad infinitum, but the fact remains, the human carnival trundles on, births deaths and all.

Divorce should be the absolute last last last option in a marriage breakdown. But under no circumstances should any parent stop "living" and paying attention to his needs. For if he has no "Self" then the child has no real parent either, no actual human model. Might as well just sit the tyke down before a big, dumb, smiling stuffed clown.
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Old 1st June 2006, 11:42 AM   #6
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Yes - we need background. Especially, do you have children, and what is the nature of the problems between you?

Here's my shortlist of things to do before you make a final divorce decision:

* Read His Needs, Her Needs, Marriage Builders, and Take Your Marriage Back!. See if there is anything you can apply to your situation, and do so

* Be VERY clear with your spouse on the seriousness of the problems or your dissatisfaction. (This is a step that often gets ommitted, because troubled couples have developed patterns of avoiding communication.)

* Talk to 1 or 2 of your closest, wisest, discreet, longterm-married friends or family members - in depth - about what you're considering. They may have surprisingly helpful insights for you.

* Consider carefully if this divorce is an EMOTIONAL decision - i.e. are you deciding in the grip of high emotion? Naturally all divorces involve a lot of emotion, but I think you should calm down and get your head as clear as possible, so you can weight pros and cons, instead of letting your emotions sweep you away - whether from anger or fear.

* Think about the context of your whole life. Not just the pain of the moment, but your goals back in high school, your years together, and what the future may hold. Avoid making a permanent decision on short-term grounds.

Hope this helps, please post again.
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Old 1st June 2006, 1:18 PM   #7
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I'd love to reply to your question Old Europe.... but apparently my post has been deleted. I don't see it anymore, just the quotes that you posted from it.

I can only suppose that the 'powers that be' were in disagreement as well.
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