Found out about husband's extra marital activities

[Guest]

I have been married for almost 8 yrs. Into the first year of our marriage I discovered that my husband paid for phone sex. Of course he blamed it on me, then after a few months I discovered he was doing internet pornography - of course my fault too. AFter I've discovered these activitites 4 times he finally said he will not do it again. So I took his word for it.

 

Last week though I used his laptop and saw that he was looking for prostitutes in Africa (he is going in a few weeks). I digged a little further and found a receipt (stored in a temp folder) for a prostitute - $1335 in MD. So I confronted him. He finally admitted it but promised high and low it was the only one. So I digged further and based on the last 11 months of c/card statements, he spent $11,000 on phone sex. I asked him about it, and he finally said he did it, but it was only for that period of time, he didn't sleep with anyone else.

 

So, I ordered other c/card statements and found out that he had at least 4/5 prostitutes in the past 2.5 yrs and then of course the enorumous amounts of money on phone sex. And these are only the c/cards I know about.

 

We would have sex about 4 times a year if I'm lucky, but now I know why, he got it somewhere else. He is always so nasty with me and insult me and break me down (I guess to make himself feel less guilty about his adventures).

 

Now I am wondering if I need to divorce him (he is never going to stop), because we have 3 young children (9/6/2). Everytime I look at him I see him with the prostitute (which of course he told me nothing happened.... do I look stupid?). I don't have any family in this country, so I am all alone except for my children. I don't have a job (we decided that I should stay at home with the children).

 

And to make things worse, I slept with him a few weeks ago (right after he came back from his prostitute - of course before I knew it) and now I have weird things happening "down there". Of course he says he didn't give me anything.

 

So, I am sorry so many of you go through a tough time, I feel your sorrow and your anger and your pain.

[SoleMate]

You didn't ask for advice, but I will give it anyhow. I don't know if divorce is the right choice or if this is the right time for it, but I do know that your marriage cannot go on like this. Your husband is not only cheating in the classic sense, he is also cheating you out of a chance to have a safe and happy sexual relationship within your marriage, and the chance to have your family income be used for family benefit. Unless you folks are wealthy, that money going on phone sex could be spent on things that benefit you and the kids...like the mortgage, retirement fund, vacations, college fund...

 

Please see a doctor ASAP. Then cruise on over to marriage builders. They have advice for infidelity situations. I am afraid that your husband sounds like a hardcore serial cheater. He's not just a man who got lonely or weak and made a mistake he now regrets. On the contrary, he's certainly planning as many more "mistakes" as possible for the near future!

[Ladyjane14]

Yes....please do see your doctor for a full battery of STD tests. And don't suffer a minute's embarrassment when you go. You aren't the one behaving in a sexually indiscrimate way afterall.

 

Then get yourself a good divorce attorney and LOSE this creep. These days, STD's can kill you and leave your children as orphans. If this guy doesn't care enough about the wellbeing of his family than to risk them all this way....then to hell with him.

 

Make sure you're documenting your evidence and keeping in safe. Then take it to your attorney when you go for your appointment. Make sure you get a good one too, a real bulldog, who'll bend WH over the settlement table and let him know he's had a DAY.

 

Let's face it, you could spend years and years trying to rehabilitate this guy. But honestly, I think it would be a waste of time. This doesn't sound so much like a serial cheater to me as a sex addict. Serial cheaters are hard enough to rehabilitate....and they have to WANT to change. Sex addicts are like alcoholics. They're addicted to the behavior, and like alcoholics, most will have to hit 'rock bottom'.

 

Hell, I'd drop kick him there if I were you.