Separate or Suck It In

[Guilty Frustrated]

Please give me your perspective. I got two choices right now;

 

-Ask my wife for a temporary separation, so I can figure out whether or not it is worth it to stay married, and she decide [in the aftermath of everything I'm writing below] whether I'm worth keeping;

 

-Suck it in and deal. Just deal with the things I discuss below on my own.

 

Background:

 

I've been married for two years. We dated & lived together for three years. Looking back on it, I got married out of guilt & fear. We had reached a point after three years where I had to marry her or break up with her. There were a ton of problems in the relationship that we didn't resolve. While I have always enjoyed her company, I've rarely felt physically attracted to her, was sexually frustrated throughout the 3 years we dated, and disliked her lack of self reliance & personal responsibility. I felt guilty breaking up with her, and also feared being alone again -- and possibly not finding anyone else. So I sucked it in, and went through with the marriage.

 

Since then, things have improved somewhat. We finally addressed the sexual frustration problem to some degree. And she is more self reliant than before. None of this was resolved peacefully though. My wife has a habit of crying in order to avoid criticism, thus forcing me to just give her what she wants. I got so angry & tired of her tactics that I had to lay down ultimatums to her -- that I wasn't going to fix these problems for both of us, and she had to help out as well, and if she didn't I wouldn't provide any more cooperation. Effective, but mean & not the recommended way of dealing with a spouse or girlfriend.

 

While all this has gone on, other challenges popped up. I haven't actually cheated on my wife. But was tempted to three times in the past 2 years -- the last time I actually fell in love with another woman. The first occasion was a few months into our engagement. I met a woman who basically reminded me of all the things I gave up just being with my then fiance, and would permanently give up after marriage. Nothing happened, I never met her again. Thought about breaking the engagement, but then changed my mind, treated it as a passing thing. The 2nd time was 6 months into our marriage, I developed a horrible crush on a woman who became one of my wife's best friends. At the time I thought it was just driven by the fact this 2nd woman was the kind of girl I would have dated in the years before meeting my wife, and a reminder of that happier time. I distanced myself from this woman, she eventually moved away, and I just wrote it off again.

 

The 3rd, and most recent situation, I'm just getting out of. It was with a co-worker who also became my closest friend. We had essentially an emotional affair but not physical affair. Thinking about it, the reason I feel in love with her was because [besides her being hot] she was genuinely a friend -- offering both companionship and physical attraction. Nothing actually has happened. I fell into a situation where I had to reveal my feelings to her, she basically told me that while she thought I'm a great guy and was attracted to me, she didn't want an affair, and also warned me against leaving my wife because of her. End of story.

 

At this point I'm not sure what to do. Part of me thinks that my wife and I need time away from each other to figure out whether or not to stay in the marriage. After these three women in the past 3 years, I can't help but think that another woman will turn up in 1-2 years, and I'll develop another horrible & painful crush again. This most recent woman also had a more painful wrinkle to it -- I was actually in love with her in ways I never was with my wife. There are times I feel that getting married two years ago might have actually prevented me from actually finding someone I genuinely loved. While I do love my wife - I can't help but think it's more like a friend or sister like love, not the kind of passionate & romantic love that my wife feels towards me, and that I felt towards this other woman.

 

The other part of me thinks I should just suck it in, and take care of this on my own. Telling her about all this will crush her. It would also hurt my family, disrupt all my friendships, ruin a lot of lives. Theoretically this might be just a passing thing every guy goes through, no relationship is perfect -- I should just deal with the cards I've been dealt.

 

Then again, this was the logic I used for the past 5 years whenever I thought about breaking up with her -- both before and after marriage.

 

Any perspectives?

[Zetter]

GF, that is a lot to be thinking about. I'm gonna give you my perspective, and it is only one and there will likely be many differing opinions. My wife just left and I think she felt like you do now towards your wife. We were married quickly, but we both wanted to get married very much. After the marriage, she began telling me that I felt like more of a roommate to her, and as hard as I tried I was never able to satisfy her and get past that. We ended up separating for her to think about things and she ended up with someone else in a short period of time.

 

My feeling is that separation will lead to you leaving since it will give you freedoms and support ideas that you think you are needing right now. If you want to work out feelings and frustrations, do it with her, together. You sound like you may have cheated on your wife with girl #3 if the opportunity presented itself, and that is troublesome to your relationship. Your wife doesn't deserve that, and I say that because she seems aware of your frustrations and seems to be trying to satisfy your needs. To me that is a good start from her end. You need to be honest with her about what you need, but not necessarily tell her of feelings for other women - that is the kind of thing that you as a married couple could have a hard time getting past. It is very common to have feelings for other women when your wife isn't being the person you want her to be, but what I would do would be to work with her to figure out if she can be that person. Every person sees things in the other spouse that they want changed - the question is whether or not the issues that never get resolved are significant enough for you to call it quits. Or are they things that are annoying, but if you left would not be that significant, i.e. the grass looks greener now but may not be. Of course there are women that you could be happy with, and maybe happier with, but the other question is how strong are your loyalties and commitments to your wife and the vows you took? That question seems paramount to your dilemma. I would think that since you are not sure of what to do right now, put off separating and see if you can work through the issues. Let her know things are pretty serious, because when my wife talked to me about her feelings, I didn't know how serious the situation was and it may have been preventable if i had acted sooner and with more passion. Who knows. But I think your vows at least grant her a chance at trying to fix things, and I think you should try as hard as possible to meet her half way. It will give you satisfaction that you are doing all you can and will give you peace going forward no matter the result. Good luck.

[Guilty Frustrated]

Thanks for the perspective Zetter.

 

Part of me agrees with you. Yet part of me wonders whether or not we even can work this out. I've thought about things I would ask of my wife in order to affair proof the situation. But some of the stuff I'd want are almost impossible to ask for. Such as;

 

-Aside from exercising more regularly and not whining, I don't think she can really make herself more attractive to me.

 

-She can't change her ethnicity -- another common denominator with all three of the other women were they were the same ancestry as me. I don't think of myself as being ethno-centric, but there was no getting around the fact that the common ancestry & life experiences were something that attracted me to them.

 

I draw up a list of things I like to see changed. But in the end, I can't help but feel I can't really make anymore demands. She can't change her essential personality.

[GuySimple]

Hey GF. Some advice from a guy who decided to move out. Don't move out if you want to make it work. Simple as that. It is a lot easier to work through things if you are there. Along with staying comes working on your relationship though. If you are not willing to do that, go.

 

dispite what some say there is no such thing as a trial separation, you're just separated. It can get really messy and there is a lot of hurt feelings etc., that come along with it.

[straycat]

You can't force yourself to love someone when it's just not there. Fact.

 

I believe by staying in this situation your dissatisfaction will build and damage will ensue. You will continue to be vulnerable to an affair. You might begin resenting your wife, even neglecting or mistreating her unconsciously in order to cause her to respond in a way that will allow you to feel justified in leaving.

 

Friend, don't disrespect her by pretending to have feelings you don't. Don't lead her on any more than you have to. Let her go.

 

Because you did not mention kids I am assuming you are childless, which to me would be the only reason for you to stick this out. And I wouldn;t even recommend that in every case.

 

Trust me, I am your wife, and I suffered in a one-sided relationship for far too long, damaging my self-confidence and even my health.

 

I am grateful to my H for finally seeing the situation for what it was and agreeing to set me free. We have also been able to remain good friends, which is incredibly valuable to both of us.

[jmargel]

Please give me your perspective. I got two choices right now;

 

-Ask my wife for a temporary separation, so I can figure out whether or not it is worth it to stay married, and she decide [in the aftermath of everything I'm writing below] whether I'm worth keeping;

 

-Suck it in and deal. Just deal with the things I discuss below on my own.

 

Background:

 

I've been married for two years. We dated & lived together for three years. Looking back on it, I got married out of guilt & fear. We had reached a point after three years where I had to marry her or break up with her. There were a ton of problems in the relationship that we didn't resolve. While I have always enjoyed her company, I've rarely felt physically attracted to her, was sexually frustrated throughout the 3 years we dated, and disliked her lack of self reliance & personal responsibility. I felt guilty breaking up with her, and also feared being alone again -- and possibly not finding anyone else. So I sucked it in, and went through with the marriage.

 

Since then, things have improved somewhat. We finally addressed the sexual frustration problem to some degree. And she is more self reliant than before. None of this was resolved peacefully though. My wife has a habit of crying in order to avoid criticism, thus forcing me to just give her what she wants. I got so angry & tired of her tactics that I had to lay down ultimatums to her -- that I wasn't going to fix these problems for both of us, and she had to help out as well, and if she didn't I wouldn't provide any more cooperation. Effective, but mean & not the recommended way of dealing with a spouse or girlfriend.

 

While all this has gone on, other challenges popped up. I haven't actually cheated on my wife. But was tempted to three times in the past 2 years -- the last time I actually fell in love with another woman. The first occasion was a few months into our engagement. I met a woman who basically reminded me of all the things I gave up just being with my then fiance, and would permanently give up after marriage. Nothing happened, I never met her again. Thought about breaking the engagement, but then changed my mind, treated it as a passing thing. The 2nd time was 6 months into our marriage, I developed a horrible crush on a woman who became one of my wife's best friends. At the time I thought it was just driven by the fact this 2nd woman was the kind of girl I would have dated in the years before meeting my wife, and a reminder of that happier time. I distanced myself from this woman, she eventually moved away, and I just wrote it off again.

 

The 3rd, and most recent situation, I'm just getting out of. It was with a co-worker who also became my closest friend. We had essentially an emotional affair but not physical affair. Thinking about it, the reason I feel in love with her was because [besides her being hot] she was genuinely a friend -- offering both companionship and physical attraction. Nothing actually has happened. I fell into a situation where I had to reveal my feelings to her, she basically told me that while she thought I'm a great guy and was attracted to me, she didn't want an affair, and also warned me against leaving my wife because of her. End of story.

 

At this point I'm not sure what to do. Part of me thinks that my wife and I need time away from each other to figure out whether or not to stay in the marriage. After these three women in the past 3 years, I can't help but think that another woman will turn up in 1-2 years, and I'll develop another horrible & painful crush again. This most recent woman also had a more painful wrinkle to it -- I was actually in love with her in ways I never was with my wife. There are times I feel that getting married two years ago might have actually prevented me from actually finding someone I genuinely loved. While I do love my wife - I can't help but think it's more like a friend or sister like love, not the kind of passionate & romantic love that my wife feels towards me, and that I felt towards this other woman.

 

The other part of me thinks I should just suck it in, and take care of this on my own. Telling her about all this will crush her. It would also hurt my family, disrupt all my friendships, ruin a lot of lives. Theoretically this might be just a passing thing every guy goes through, no relationship is perfect -- I should just deal with the cards I've been dealt.

 

Then again, this was the logic I used for the past 5 years whenever I thought about breaking up with her -- both before and after marriage.

 

Any perspectives?

 

Excuse me but you have NOT been putting 100% into this marriage from day one. How could you when you were lusting over some other women? You can't expect to get a wife who's everything you want, then on top of that expect it when you are emotionally cheating on her. I like how you are trying to avoid the issues here and blaming your sneaking around on your wife. Show some responsibility!

 

Now you want to run away from it all. Yep, that's being a man about it. Let me guess you do this alot with all other things in your life as well. When things get tough you want to just run from it. Often how you treat a relationship is how you treat most other things in life.

 

Have you gone to counseling with your wife? If not, make an appointment this week with a licensed counselor. There's a difference between having a crush on someone and developing an emotional affair. How would you like it if you wife did this to you? Then came back and said 'Well my husband hasn't been putting 100% into this marriage so I think we should seperate'. You already tested the waters by telling this other woman how you felt about her. She just used you as an ego boost to know she could get a married man if she wanted. However your wife is actually there for you and loves you.

 

She might have some issues of her own but YOU married her knowing these issues and with the promise YOU are going to be there for her, just like she is for you. You even admit she has been trying to work on her issues. Have you been working on yours? Sounds like you haven't. You owe it to her to tell her the truth on what you've done and to give this marriage a chance with counseling. You have nothing to lose and the world to gain. You could be passing up one of the best things your have ever encountered. Your wife. Quit taking her for granted and stop with the 'pity me' approach.

[Guilty Frustrated]

Excuse me but you have NOT been putting 100% into this marriage from day one. How could you when you were lusting over some other women? You can't expect to get a wife who's everything you want, then on top of that expect it when you are emotionally cheating on her. I like how you are trying to avoid the issues here and blaming your sneaking around on your wife. Show some responsibility!

 

Now you want to run away from it all. Yep, that's being a man about it. Let me guess you do this alot with all other things in your life as well. When things get tough you want to just run from it. Often how you treat a relationship is how you treat most other things in life.

 

Have you gone to counseling with your wife? If not, make an appointment this week with a licensed counselor. There's a difference between having a crush on someone and developing an emotional affair. How would you like it if you wife did this to you? Then came back and said 'Well my husband hasn't been putting 100% into this marriage so I think we should seperate'. You already tested the waters by telling this other woman how you felt about her. She just used you as an ego boost to know she could get a married man if she wanted. However your wife is actually there for you and loves you.

 

She might have some issues of her own but YOU married her knowing these issues and with the promise YOU are going to be there for her, just like she is for you. You even admit she has been trying to work on her issues. Have you been working on yours? Sounds like you haven't. You owe it to her to tell her the truth on what you've done and to give this marriage a chance with counseling. You have nothing to lose and the world to gain. You could be passing up one of the best things your have ever encountered. Your wife. Quit taking her for granted and stop with the 'pity me' approach.

===================

 

JMargel, you make some very important points. But in my own defense I'd like to state the following;

 

-In the years before we got married, and during times afterward, I told myself, "hey, she's had to make sacrifices too, and put with stuff as well, I should too." "nobody's perfect, just accept it," and "don't be greedy, you shouldn't ask for anything better than what you have."

 

-Thoughts of cheating didn't occur till after we got engaged. I didn't develop any emotional attachments to anyone else while we were still just a couple.

 

-I don't "lust" after other woman. I come across attractive women all the time, the three woman I cited before just happened to be people I met at random that triggered something, I guess a vulnerability.

 

-During the three years we dated, I was sexually frustrated thoughout that time. I basically wrote it off for most of the time, telling myself that personality & chemistry & companionship were more important. It came back to haunt me when she started complaining about both the quality & quantity of the sex. Chemistry & companionship alone weren't enough for her.

 

-After pressuring me off & on for two years about marriage, I finally tried to sit down with her to talk about why I was wary of marriage, and things I wish she could change. She responded by telling me that I was a pathetic loser who had no friends, and had no right to make any demands of her -- never mind the fact she was the one pressuring for marriage. She basically told me that if I continued criticizing her she would break up with me. Three weeks later, I proposed to her. She hard bargained and won.

 

-A few months after we were engaged I finally tried to have a heart to heart about our mutual sexual frustration problem. I explained to her that I would be more enthusiastic about sex if she would exercise, watch what she ate, take better care of herself. Her response was to print out articles off the internet of people recommending wives/girlfriends sleep with other men -- implicitly threatening to sleep with other men if I don't do perform better & more often in the sack.

 

-During the three years we dated, and our first year together as a couple, I gave up multiple job opportunities because she didn't want to move to any of these cities. I was miserable in the town we lived in -- she knew it -- and I essentially spent an extra year in a god awful town that I hated in order to accommodate her.

 

-My wife has a tendency to cry & scream anytime I complain about something to her -- making me feel guilty for even bringing up issues of dispute. This makes it hard to have anykind of frank discussion of problems in the relationship.

 

-I asked her to go into pre-marriage counseling with me. She went into one session and didn't want to do it again. She was upset even filling out the questionaires before the first session. It seemed she didn't want to deal with any underlying problems in the relationship.

 

-Earlier in the relationship she complained to me about me asking her, "I'll do X, but can you do X in return." She hated the way I would trade off things -- demanding that I just do stuff for her without asking anything in return.

 

In the years since we were married I found that the only way I could ever get my wife to seriously address any problem was to lay down ultimatums w/implicit threats to withhold cooperation elsewhere. If I just told her I had a problem, she would spend a few weeks working on it, the completely slack off as soon after I stopped paying attention.

 

You call me a coward & a quiter. But I beg to differ. I gave a lot for this relationship & marriage. Making it work, and continuing to make it work, would require me to confront my wife, and inevitably make her cry, scream, get upset. Even though it's the only way to get her to meet me half way or trade things off -- it's not an approach I enjoy.

 

Frankly, taking your approach would either force me to be either a son of b*^ch to my wife in order to get her to change, or just suck it in -- accept the situation as is. This is essentially what I've been doing for five years - I don't see how this is sustainable for another five years.

 

We haven't tried marriage counseling yet --- that I will grant you.

[Mistaken Identity]

Ask yourself if your wife would be better off without you. Could another man love her for who she is? If she felt about you the way you feel about her, would you want her to stay married to you? BTW, I think her crying is just manipulative behavior--whether she's aware of it or not.

[Guilty Frustrated]

Ask yourself if your wife would be better off without you. Could another man love her for who she is? If she felt about you the way you feel about her, would you want her to stay married to you? BTW, I think her crying is just manipulative behavior--whether she's aware of it or not.

 

Thanks for the perspective MI.

 

When I think about it, if I were in the reverse position, I would probably leave her. I think she would be better off with someone besides me. If the situation was reversed, and I found out she didn't love me as much I loved her, and that she considered cheating three times, I would leave.

 

Can you people please tell me something? Why is it when women hear my situation they tell me I should consider letting my wife go? When guys hear me complain about my wife, they tell me to compromise with her or try to work it out, citing sustaining the relationship/marriage, and call me a jerk?

 

Is it the case that the women hearing my case have a better sense of what's best for my wife --- that irrespective of what's good for me --- my wife is better off with someone else?