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Imminent Separation after 25 years.


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After what I believed were 25 happy years of marriage, my wife wants a trial separation. Things seem to have gone down hill very fast, after an idyllic 25th anniversary cruise. Lots of things have been happening in our lives of late. Eldest daughter left home. Youngest won't be long before she goes too. My wife has turned her life around after losing a lot of weight. She looks gorgeous. I haven't been able to leave her alone. We bought a caravan, which we used for many long weekends. She is learning to fly at my suggestion. I was hoping this would be a shared hobby as I am a private pilot myself. I truly believed that everything was perfect. My only bone of contention was the amount of time she wanted spend away from the home, with friends, at the flying club etc. We did argue about this.

 

Anyway, about a month ago, she told me that she needs space to assess wether she still loves me. Says she has affection for me, but isn't in love with me. She doesn't want to try to make the marriage work as it stands. She believes that a trial separation of a month (at first) will help make her mind up. She has been considering this for a long time. My problem is that I believe this will be the start of the end. Feel completely devastated. I can't believe I missed all of the signals.

 

I have tried the usual stuff. Long discussions/arguments. Read books and tried to apply the knowledge. She is still adamant that her way is the only way.

 

Sorry for the ramble, but I have absorbed myself so totally in the marriage, I have no close friends to share this with, and don't want my family to know until absolutely necessary.

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I'm so sorry to hear this....

 

 

It sounds like your wife is 're-discovering' herself and in doing so, feels confused about certain things. Like whether or not she wants to continue married life with you.

 

Sometimes when people go through major life changes (children leaving home, losing lots of weight, taking up new hobbies) they need to re-assess their priorities.

It's sort of like having a mid-life crisis.....only people live so long nowadays they may have 2-3 'mid-life' crises instead of just one!

 

I would let her take her space. Set her free to sort out her feelings. See if she's willing to do marriage counseling while you're living apart. Set a time limit -- for example, if she doesn't want to come home after 3 months you will get in contact with a lawyer.

 

If she sees that this is 'real', it may hit home harder. Some people voice fantasies about 'being free', but when they face the reality of it they re-think their decisions.

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Anyway, about a month ago, she told me that she needs space to assess wether she still loves me. Says she has affection for me, but isn't in love with me. She doesn't want to try to make the marriage work as it stands. She believes that a trial separation of a month (at first) will help make her mind up.

 

I'm predisposed to think there is someone else. MW wanted to separate, "loved me, but wasn't in love", etc... Turned out she was having an affair. I hope that is not the situation in your case.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? Might not be a bad idea given the changes you two are facing. With the children leaving home, counseling may help you renew your relationship/friendship. My wife and I have worried about when the kids are grown. We don't want to look at each other one day and wonder "Who are you?" because we've been so child centered.

 

Best of luck

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I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone else. I was suspicious of text messages and emails at one time, which was what brought all this to a head. She had perfectly reasonable explanations for all of this, having seen him only twice as he lives a long way away. She isn't actually out that much. She is going away this weekend though, with about 20 others, including the man I thought she was taking an interest in. Hope she's being truthful.

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Quickie-

 

If she IS having an affair, of course she's not going to be truthful!!!!!!

 

 

And these are are CLASSIC signs of an affair...I would place a HUGE bet on the fact there IS something going on with this other guy. You had a gut feeling...she's lost weight...she 'needs space to sort things out'...these are all EXACT signs of an affair.

 

I heard the same things, so the same things...and so has almost everyone else who's been through having a spouse in an affair.

 

I SERIOUSLY suggest that you start checking things out in detail. Do NOT let her go on this trip...verify who all really is going on this run. I'd bet it's not 20 people...maybe closer to 2.

 

Start checking her cell phone invoices...see how many calls she's getting to/from this guy.

 

If she uses the computer, log into her email account, IM account, etc...install a keylogger so you can track what's going on on the computer.

 

Buy a voice activated digital recorder and stash it in her car, or if she takes her calls in another room all the time, hide it there.

 

Again, it's a HUGE bet she's involved with someone...too many red flags here friend.

 

Take a look at the marriagebuilders website as well...there is a lot of good advice and a forum there that could help you as well.

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I feel certain that things aren't that bad re affair. I know this weekend is totally above board. The whole thing has been arranged over a web forum, so I know the numbers of people involved etc.

 

I know it looks suspicious, but I do trust her.

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I have to agree - the signs of an affair are all there. :( Is it possible she's seeing someone from the flying club?

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Well, here's my story. He lives about 1200 miles away. They NEVER met face to face. I too thought that what I would find was just the beginning of something. Read what we went through. You'll understand why I am pushing you to not be so complacent on this...I've seen this a LOT over all the time I've spent on this forum and on marriagebuilders.

 

It's up to you what you want to do from here.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

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Sorry to hear this, Quickie. I've been married 25 yrs., too, so I can relate. I'd be devastated if my husband suddenly announced this.

 

At the same time, I also understand her need for space. This is a major life transition and she may just need to get her sense of her back apart from children and everything else her life has been controlled to a certain degree by.

 

And yes, I'd be checking about an affair if I wanted to know. I'd give her some space and court her profusely like you did when you were dating. Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com It may just be time to reinvent your marriage. Someone I know once said a long marriage is really a series of emotional divorces and remarriages as people change.

 

Keep us posted, OK?

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I'm in agreement with Owl. It's great that you believe she's 'above board'.....but check her story anyway. You'll sleep better if it turns out that she's being honest. But if she's not....you can't fight what you can't see.;)

 

The request for "space" is her way of letting you know that she's prioritizing herself right now, not you and not your marriage. Sometimes, a person needs to get their head on straight, true enough.

 

But here's the deal....you should NOT allow yourself to be victimized by that. Do NOT leave your home. Do NOT support her financially. Do NOT tolerate behavior that is unbecoming of a married person.

 

The separation is ostensibly a time for her to think about her life and her relationships? If so, then that's what it should be. Don't let her wrap it up as a hiatus to married life where she's allowed to go out and act single and you're supposed to sit gently percolating on the back burner.

 

Further, the onus is on her to get 'er done. You probably shouldn't help her do something that is bad for the marriage and counter to your true goals. So, if she wants to go....you'd be smart to stand aside, rather than hold the door open for her. Afterall, aren't you kind of hoping it'll smack her in the ass? :p

 

Set boundaries. Don't be afraid to do that. She'll do whatever she has in mind regardless. If you don't want her cheating....tell her EXACTLY what the repercussions will be. At least she won't be able to act surprised when YOU decide enough is enough and file for divorce.

 

If she wants to see what her life without you will be like, it's only good sense to show her what she can REALLY expect. It's a peek through the window of divorce.

 

All that said, it's okay to be sweet, it's okay to be pleasant. It's even better when you present yourself as the super-attractive guy she first met. These are good things. She should see you as the preferable alternative afterall.

 

But you don't want to set her up financially to the extent that she's comfortable enough to get a sugar-coated view of the world. You can be a generous guy with your wife. But if she's not fitting the bill and being your wife....then it's probably better to withhold the generosity.

 

If she wants a peek through the window of divorce....maybe you should give just that.;)

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We have discussed a trial separartion commencing at the end of January. This is to get xmas over without causing family upsets and other commitments.

 

The plan is that she will be leaving for up to 6 months with a commitment to return and become a proper wife then, if not before. I have to admit that I have said I will help her to set up a flat, though initially she will stay with her brother. We have decided no dating other people. After the first couple of weeks we will start dating each other. We have discussed my taking advantage of the situation too, by perhaps getting out more, or doing more flying. I do believe that she is sincere.

 

It all sounds so good. Unfortunately, I have read elsewhere that trial separations rarely work.

 

Anyway, that's where we are now.

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In the meantime, I am still working to keep the marriage together, trying to head this off so to speak. I have bought several e-books which I am using to try to reestablish normal relations.

 

Have any of you tried these?

 

Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald and Relationship Saver by Radomir Samardzic. Both say basically the same. Pretend to be happy, let everything go on and somehow ones partner will come round.

 

The one I like the best is Save The Marriage by Lee H Baucom. Makes a lot of sense and is helpig me come to terms.

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I have to admit that I have said I will help her to set up a flat, though initially she will stay with her brother.

 

You might save yourself a significant amount of heartache by going ahead and filing for divorce.:rolleyes:

 

This is an excerpt of a post by Phrekmon earlier today:

Have you ever heard the saying "If you do something for 21 day's it becomes a habit" ? I'm at 20 days since she left and I'm starting to feel "REAL" if that makes any sense.

 

In three weeks, he's starting to feel a little bit better. Imagine where he'll be in 6 months.:) People get used to being apart. The hurt fades. The small demands of everyday life keep you getting out of bed every morning. And before you know it....you don't really care what your ex-wife is doing anymore. You're just glad she's doing it to someone else and not to YOU.:p

 

I'm happily married. And although the marriage is over 20 years old, we've spent a good bit of it in conflict. It's only been recently that we've managed to rediscover each other, and only after a crisis in the marriage. But no matter how tough the going got, neither one of us ever pulled the "trial separation" routine.

 

That's because both of us knew that the other would never tolerate it. Maybe that's an 'all or nothing' attitude, but I ALWAYS knew better than to pull a stunt like that. If I'd have moved out, he'd have moved on. And vice versa.

 

If your goal is to save the marriage, then why act in a way that is oppositional to your goal?:confused: It's not particularly truthful to say, "Sure, let's separate" when what you REALLY want is to stay together. You don't have to wheedle and cajole. All you have to do is state your convictions. Then the ball is in her court.

 

If she wants to go, you can't stop her.....but you aren't obligated to help her either!

 

There are lots and lots of threads here, by men just like you who have been through the "trial separation" experience. Too often they find that they've been 'softened up'' and manipulated by the separation, all the while with hope in their hearts of reconcilliation....then after all that, the Big D. It can make a person bitter to be played like that.

 

I think it would be wise of you to see an attorney. It's always good to know your options. ;)

 

 

 

 

P.S. You can still use programs like Marriagebuilders and Stop Your Divorce to good effect.....without being cooperative in endeavors that only serve to hasten the demise of the marriage.

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LadyJ makes good points. Stay clear on what is and is not acceptable to you and protect yourself during this time. Each marriage is different. It really may be that she just needs some time apart, and that when you start dating one another love will be rekindled stronger than ever. Who knows? But the sting of her request can cloud your judgment so getting advice from others/books/a solicitor isn't a bad idea. If you hurt, you need to tell her, though. She may think you just don't care, which is one of the reasons why she's thinking of leaving. Of course you don't need to throw yourself at her feet like a drama-trauma Queen, but she does need to know what this is doing to you and how it's hurting the marriage.

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My wife is well aware of the hurt all this causing to me, and to be honest her too. She understands that I believe a trial separation is not going to work, and that I believe it's best to work from within the marriage. We have been going through this for a month so far. She would have left earlier had it not been for the thought of xmas. Neither of us wants to turn up at family get togethers and xmas parties as singles. I have obviously been very upset, crying in a very un-manly manner!

 

I am now simply trying to make the best of a thoroughly bad job, and crying and arguing isn't go to make things any easier.

 

I hope that once this weekend is over, (and I honestly believe that she is not having an affair) and she sees that I can give her space, then we have a few weeks where can try to make a difference.

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Let me ask you, you've said that you thought things were going great right? Now you've learned they aren't. Abviously you don't know your wife as well as you thought or used to, or your wife has just done a great job of hiding a big secret. I've learned it is better to expect the worse, so if it is true the pain isn't as bad had you expected the best. You sound as though you have the means to get a private detective to check your wife out, my adivce is to get one for this little trip she's taking. By doing so you may save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, believe me, it is really better to know then not to know. Because, sorry to say this very much sounds like your wife has gone straying. Another question, which you do not have to answer is, how is your sex life, or rather how was it before your wife talked to you about this? Don't put it in shades of grey, be honest with yourself. Again, I would strongly advice you to hire a private detective. My mother hadn't wanted to but when she did she found the strength to move on and married a man when she thought she was too old to remarry or have a real man to love her.

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Another note on the private detective. Understand it will give you a peace of mind about your wife, because I am sure you have at least a small nagging question of "what if" in your mind. This will save your marriage, believe me if/when you and your wife resolve things and live as married couples should. You may not realize it now but that little "what if" question only gets bigger as time goes. Been there, done that!

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It's all good sound sense Drea. But I think I'll give the private detective a miss this time.

 

Our sex life was great right until the moment she told me she was leaving. I generally initiated sex it must be admitted. There have been no taboos. We have tried once since, but it was a disaster really.

 

I would like to point out that she has lost so much weight, that she has loose flesh, and her breasts, which were her pride and joy are not what they were. Whilst I don't mind a bit, she has become very self conscious.

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Just chew on the detective idea please. Try sex again, or rather more of mind sex as someone once told me. Let her relax and give her a full massage and let her know how beautiful she is. Don't give her a nagative comment about her looks, instead give her honest complements that she will believe, such as how soft her skin is, which means no flattery overboard stuff! Also you might have read my porno dilemma with my husband. I've learned talking about the first days when love was so new and amazing is a big plus, and has done wonders for my marriage. Don't let her forget the good times!

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We do hope to try sex again, and we have discussed it. The current situation is that she can't let herself go to be really affectionate, saying that she doesn't want to make it more difficult for her to leave should we become closer. I am working on becoming the man I was 30 years ago, in terms of temperament and personality. I can't do much about the body, though my potential rival is actually older and paunchier than I am. I have lost a couple of stone in the last few months, in order to make my wife as proud to be with me as I am to be with her.

 

I am gradually introducing talk about the old days, something recommended in the ebooks. She is responding positively in that respect.

 

So anyway, no detective, but after the weekend, time to try to rebuild the relationship.

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One more thing, doesn't it alarm you that she doesn't want the chance of you two getting closer in case it makes it harder for her to leave when she does the trial seperation. It makes it sound as though she doesn't want it to work, yet wants to hold onto you in the off chance she "needs" to fall back onto you. You've been married for 25 years, which is a long time for these days. It's understandable to fear going out and moving on. She wants to explore herself without you, yet hold onto you. Do you understand where I am going with this? If she really wanted to make this work, she would take your suggestions into consideration, and compromise. Try one last time for the two of you to see a counsellor, and tell her you two will get the counsellors input on the situation. Tell her point blake you don't want to be used, that you love her, but if she ever loved you, or has any affection for you left in her heart, but if she feels there is more of a chance of her never coming back, then to let you go in peace, not break your heart even more with stretching the breakup out. I know you love her, but just as she's being selfish, you should be a little selfish yourself. Think about yourself as well, and remember even if it doesn't work out it's not the end of the world, even if it feels like it!

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I see her problem with us getting closer as a plus. I can see in her eyes when she lets her guard slip that there is something still there.

 

We had a heart to heart last night, discussing exactly what you said. I am not going just to wait as a fall back option if things don't work out. She insists that she intends to come back after at most six months and she is committed to the marriage.

 

I must admit, none of this makes sense. But I am prepared to give it a try, but with rigid guidelines.

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Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com right away. Most women leave because they don't feel emotionally connected to their husbands anymore. There have been some things broken for her for a long time in this marriage, I'd wager, and she's been biding her time until she could leave when the children were raised. She may have tried to reach you with her concerns and when you didn't pick up on what was going on, she may have just given up a long time ago.

 

Study http://www.marriagebuilders.com. I was where your wife is just a few months ago. My husband and I got into counselling, but honestly, sitting down once a week for a couple hours and working through the things on this website has probably done us as much good, but only because he was willing to really listen to me and seek to understand rather than just be understood. Go through the basic principles and ask her to look at it with you.

 

You need to hear what's gone wrong from her perspective and seek to understand it, not convince her she's wrong to leave, etc. You need to hear and respect her position. She may have felt bullied by your way of doing things in this marriage (which you surely didn't mean and which she may not have even been able to name) that excluded the way she'd like the marriage to be. Men and women are different, of course. But women are often trained to defer to men until one day they wake up and say "Enough, already!"

 

Instead of hiring a detective, why not become a detective yourself of what your wife wants and needs? Take the emotional needs survey on marriagebuilders.com. I'll bet you'll be surprised at how far apart your perceptions are and what she most values. I was surprised by what my husband's emotional needs are. And he didn't have a clue how dire I thought things were even though I had told him and told him and told him.

 

Protect yourself, yes. But you can do that and still remain open and hopeful about the marriage. You can still see it in her eyes. That's a good sign. But you're gonna have to work, really work on your marriage, not just on the old arrangement that I'd be willing to bet benefited you more than her.

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Devils Advocate

Well I've read what you've written and it's touched a nerve so I just wanted to make a few comments in the hope that it will help you in this trying time you're going through.

 

First the trial separation, go for it. Do it as quickly as you can and don't do anything to make it uncomfortable to her.

Second her flat (apartment), get her in that as quickly as you can. No need for her to stay with her brother any longer than necessary. (If you can walk her out the front door and into an apartment it would be best) ... oh and make sure to turn all the utilities on in her name. She'll need a job, being out on her own she will definately need a job so if you have any connections somewhere pull some strings and get her working asap.

Finally the trip, send her to it with your (private) blessings it's the best thing in the world for the both of you and will make the next part easier.

 

You're wife is leaving you and you're getting set up for a major blow. The only thing you can do is mitigate how bad the damages are. Now if you don't want to spend your golden years trying to rebuild the retirement fund you're about to lose I'd suggest you do the above points as quickly and politely as you can. When she files for divorce you want her to be living in her own apartment at the time, it's the only way you'll keep your house. Her working and having everything in her own name at her new address is the best way to limit your support order (you will be paying one you can just try to keep the costs down).

 

Your wife has already made her decision you just need to act now to protect yourself and your future. It's probably going to get bad and you, being the niceguy you seem to be, are at a serious risk of being ground up and spit by the divorce machine like dead leaves through a wood chipper.

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