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Should I be dating 3 months after separation?


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Old 3rd December 2005, 11:42 AM   #1
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Should I be dating 3 months after separation?

Should I be dating 3 months after separation?

I have been separated for a few months now and starting to have a few dates. Nothing serious yet, but the opportunity of a more physical relationship is starting to present itself.

I’m just wondering if there is an appropriate time after separation to start dating. Some people have told me no. While some have said not for a year until you are divorced.

My wife and I have discussed this and have agreed that it is OK that we date. But, having said it and finding out the person has been dating are two completely different things.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 12:28 PM   #2
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Its all going to depend on you, really. Beware that doing it too soon after separation seems to make it easy to cling to someone new. After my 1st wife and I separated, we started seeing other people about 3 months into the separation. I met my 2nd wife in the 4th month. Coincidentally, my 2nd wife was also in her 4th month of separation. I did see and talk to other people before I met her, though.

I think dating is fine, but not allowing too much attachment within that early period should be the rule. I attached to my second wife because she filled in the voids that were lacking in the previous marriage, so my balance was skewed in the opposite direction. I didn't take enough time for myself to heal over the previous marriage and allow myself to start with a clean slate.

Like I said, though, it will all depend on you and where you stand emotionally.

BTW, my second wife and I are currently separated, and I am in no rush to start dating at this point. But, that is just me.

The decision is ultimately up to you and how comfortable you are with hearing about your estranged spouse seeing someone else.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 12:40 PM   #3
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BTW, my second wife and I are currently separated, and I am in no rush to start dating at this point. But, that is just me.
Damn......You have been through this twice????how did you handle it the second time must have been hard I would imagine.geez I cannot imagine going through another marriage ending it would kill me.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 3:57 PM   #4
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I am doing it

Me and my Ex H have been separated for 4 months now and we are both dating. I guess it depends on the people and the type of separation you are going through. Me and my H are both understanding and said we are not getting back together so we do what we feels right to us. I am currently dating a man who is a great person and I am starting to have feelings for him already and him me. My H is dating also but he is not into the whole serious dating as I am yet. Make sure you know what you want before you go through the dating scene, it may cause some mixed emotions on both ends which I am guessing it already is. Good luck! Keep us updated, I would actually like to know more on this with you as I am there too!
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Old 3rd December 2005, 4:12 PM   #5
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I don't think there's any hard and fast rule on this. Like another poster pointed out it depends on your emotional state.

I met my husband 3 days after I separated from my ex-husband. It was over between us WAY before we separated and I moved to a different state so didn't care what he did as far as dating.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 4:17 PM   #6
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I've never divorced but I once dated a man who had been seperated from his wife for a year. Although he wasn't yet divorced, I justified the relationship as not being adultery because "seperated for one year is as good as divorced." WRONG! When the divorce papers were finally filed, I learned that even the process of divorce, long after the relationship is over, can drag a man through the horrible emotions that he went through when seperating.

Btw, he told me that I was the catalyst for him to finally stop waiting for his now ex and to file divorce papers. Oh, lucky me. Glad I could be there to help. (sarcasm) He's now remarried to someone who wasn't a part of a terrible time in his life.

Since then, I've come to believe that it's risky business to date a divorced man until at least one month for each year of the marriage, with a minimum of one year.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 6:33 PM   #7
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It was over between us long before we decided to separate as well. We tried to hang on as long as possible mostly due to the kids and ego (pride). And some days can still be frustrating. These times are usually around kid issues and just the logistics of living separately.

Our relationship is still good though. When I see her the whole range of questions start running through my head…could I be with this woman again?...Is she what I am looking for?...What emotions does she bring out?...

What I struggle with is how I have gone from a 17-year functioning marriage to being single in 3-4 months and still be happy. I keep thinking that I should be miserable and hate my wife. But I don’t.

I worry about her finding out that I have had a few dinner dates. I don’t want to hurt her. I went to a party last night and didn’t take a date. She asked if I was taking anyone. At first I said yes to see what she would say…her comment was great I hope you have a good time you deserve it. Then I told her I wasn’t but was please that she would be OK.

A few weeks ago my wife asked if she could take the kids to see friends between Christmas and New Years. At first I was hurt and P-O’ed that we would not be around each other over the holidays. Then I was talking to another single “friend” and mentioned this and it turns out she is alone as well. So we’re going to do something together for a few days.

Anyway, it continues to be an interesting ride.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 7:06 PM   #8
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I think it's really great that you are still friends especially since you have children. That's just so important. Sounds like you're handling things in a very mature and reasonable manner. Just have fun. This is a new chapter in your life now. Your emotions may be all over the place during this time. Just be good to yourself, see your kids, be civil to your wife and you'll be fine.

I admire you.
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Old 5th December 2005, 9:42 AM   #9
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I met my now husband a couple of weeks after I separated, although we were only friends for a while. My exhusband and I had been emotionally divorced for a long time.

Depends on you. If you're cool with it, then go for it!
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Old 6th December 2005, 3:58 PM   #10
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RE: Should I be dating 3 months after separation?

I'm not aware of any "rule," it's what feels right for the person.

I would caution, however, that you are in a rebound mode at this time. Whether you realize it or not, you have a void in your life, & at some level of consciousness will want to fill it.

Be careful not to allow loneliness or other emotions to cause you to make a bad decision.

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Last edited by Scott S; 6th December 2005 at 4:06 PM..
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Old 6th December 2005, 4:31 PM   #11
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Quote:
Be careful not to allow loneliness or other emotions to cause you to make a bad decision.
Like these

Quote:
I met my now husband a couple of weeks after I separated
[QUOTE]I met my husband 3 days after I separated from my ex-husband[QUOTE].

Quote:
Me and my Ex H have been separated for 4 months now and we are both dating
Quote:
After my 1st wife and I separated, we started seeing other people about 3 months into the separation.
I just don't get what the rush is to be with people so quickly after a relationship ends.Is it fear of being lonely?is it companionship that you need so bad?lack of sex maybe?.I am separated 4 months now. I actually wouldn't consider dating or attempting another relationship.What is the rush??I think it would be wiser to be alone have some personal growth happen than to jump back into dating and potential relationships and start it all again.I know its only my opinion but what is the rush for you guys I am not being sarcastic here please give me your honest answer what is the attraction to start something so soon?
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Old 6th December 2005, 7:06 PM   #12
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I would have to agree with the above poster - though he is much more blunt (as I would not have posted this w/o his above post) than I am.

My wife quickly got into another relationship. She told me that she needs someone.

Most people are used to having someone around - someone to spend time with - intimately. A solid friendship tends to get "nearly" sidelined for the next level of friendship.

Seen it all too often in those around me. Occasionally I think what it would be like to date another, but have zero plans on actually dating for a good long while. I'm still married for goodness sake.
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Old 6th December 2005, 11:06 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by scobro
I just don't get what the rush is to be with people so quickly after a relationship ends.Is it fear of being lonely?is it companionship that you need so bad?lack of sex maybe?.I am separated 4 months now. I actually wouldn't consider dating or attempting another relationship.What is the rush??I think it would be wiser to be alone have some personal growth happen than to jump back into dating and potential relationships and start it all again.I know its only my opinion but what is the rush for you guys I am not being sarcastic here please give me your honest answer what is the attraction to start something so soon?
I can't speak for anyone else, as everyone is different. Like I said this go round, I am in no rush to start dating again.

I can look back at the separation from my 1st wife, and honestly say there were probably 3 major factors in play for the dating decisions. One, we pretty much were over for about 8 months prior to separating, even though we had both tried counseling and doing different approaches, all to no avail. We both pretty much resigned to the fact there was no more chemistry romantically between us. So, the emotional separation was somewhat factored in to the equation. Second, was definitely lonliness. I know I should have taken more time to acquaint me with myself, rather than look for someone who could take over pretty much where the ex had left off. It was just a void I was not prepared to seal off at that time. Thirdly, was actually somewhat out of revenge. I wasn't the one who initially wanted to split. I was hurt, so one way to hurt back was to get involved with someone else to "lock her out" from that position. Basically saying, you left, you can't come back now.

I know there are issues or concerns that led me to date and remarry so soon, and I'm looking into those. I've only scratched the surface as to what makes up the massive ball of confusion I know as myself. Until I can get some insight as to how or why I get involved in certain relationships, I will definitely be avoiding anything more than "friends" with the opposite sex.
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Old 7th December 2005, 11:52 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by scobro
I just don't get what the rush is to be with people so quickly after a relationship ends.Is it fear of being lonely?is it companionship that you need so bad?lack of sex maybe?.I am separated 4 months now. I actually wouldn't consider dating or attempting another relationship.What is the rush??I think it would be wiser to be alone have some personal growth happen than to jump back into dating and potential relationships and start it all again.I know its only my opinion but what is the rush for you guys I am not being sarcastic here please give me your honest answer what is the attraction to start something so soon?
As I posted, a void is left in the person's life when the other leaves. Nature abhors a vacuum, & it's a natural tendancy to want to fill it immeidately. I know I did.

When my ex-w was in the process of moving out, I had called around looking for a divorce support group. On the other end of the call was a church secretary with the most gentle voice I'd ever heard. The immediate thought was wondering if she was dating or involved with anyone, notwisthstanding that I knew nothing else about her.

Of course, everyone is different, & deep inside we each know what is best for us.
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Old 7th December 2005, 12:02 PM   #15
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Dating

I personally don't see anything wrong with dating but looking to be romantically involved, in my book, is a no-no.
I agree that both parties as well as the one you are dating knows you are dating and not divorced.
I think it is wise to not become romantically involved because you still have issues and a lot of headaches and heartache to deal with.

I feel it it ok to date because it gives you the opportunity to rediscover yourself, your intersts, values, morals, wants and needs. I think sometimes we need a raw out-side source to stimulate our senses and get our lives jump started. When I was just dating with no interest in getting seroius I stated I was JUST dating and playing the field so-to-speak without getting overly involved or invested with someone.
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