Can a M survive if a spouse is financially irresponsible?

[mopar crazy]

H and I have been M 13 years. The first few years were hard for us financially but not as hard as they are now. My H and I were seperated two years and going through a D however he wanted to reconcile.. During our 6 months seperation he racked up his own credit card bills to about $7,000!!! I don't know what the he!! he bought. I know by the time he paid alimony and child support he didn't have much to pay for the morgage or bills so I am sure he charged a lot of those. Anyhow, w/ his income being half of what it use to be, and more CC bills to pay we are struggling to make ends meet. I have tried cutting back on things but he wont. I tried showing him the budget we have but he has no interest in following it. I love my H very much but financially he is making life really hard and stressful for me. He has tried getting another job (he is a very smart man, went to college for 4 years for pre-law but we can't afford for him to finish college.)

He said if he can't find another FT job he would get a PT job somewhere else but has yet to do so. I cry almost on a daily basis b/c of all the bills. And we needed to get a bigger home and so of course our rent went up $100 a month.

I have prayed so much about it and after 2 years I have not gotten any answers and things are just getting worse. God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle but I can't handle this. I am always depressed, always crying, I hate being unhappy and worrying all the time. I realize that there are ppl out there who have it a lot worse than I do but I can't do this anymore. If we can't pay our CC bills they are going to sue us (which already happened w/ one of H's CC but we settled out of court thanks to his mom, she can't always bail us, or should I say, H out all the time.

Is it time to throw in the towel on this M b/c of H's financial irresponsibilties? He just doesn't seem to care and if he does, he surely doesn't act like it. He gets upset w/ me when I get in my depressed moods but WTH am I suppose to do? My mom told me to try IC and I told her I can't afford it. It's pretty damn bad when you need IC and can't afford it. When we were seperated at least I had all my finances under control but I can't when H keeps spending so much $. I love him, don't want a D, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

[slubberdegullion]

Praying is all well and good but it needs to be followed with action.

 

Both you and he need to make a plan. If you have a friend who's an accountant or financial planner, that may be a good place to start. There are also credit counselling agencies that will offer financial planning services at no cost.

[deepfused]

JUST AN OPINION

 

Don't you find it a little odd that you have no idea where all the charges are going to? sounds to me that he is being "selfish" about what his needs are and only his needs rather than trying to work out the money problems that ya'll are having to help and save the marriage.

 

knowing that he wants to save the marriage now, but not willing to forth the effort of the problems he has partly caused and still feeding still shows lack of "respect" to you as the S.O. he suppost to love so much and everyone else that has gone out of their way to help aswell.

[JayKay]

Oh Mopar, that's rough.

 

Did you know finances are the top thing married couples fight about? It's the biggest issue in most marriages (followed by kids and discipline).

 

One option is to keep your finances seperate. I don't know what you own together, but if he can't be financially responsible than maybe you need to do 'his money' and 'my money' until he gets it together.

 

Yes, I know it's not romantic. But I was with someone for two years who had similar issues. We were like engaged-to-be-engaged and living together. He had 10,000 in cc debt! He said it was because of an ex-GF who took his cc's and spent money on furniture and a jeep. Now she was gone and he was left paying it off. Well, OK. All well and good. He had a job paying 60K/year and not a lot of expenses, so I figured it would take a year for him to pay things off.

 

Well, two years later I find out he's STLL 10 grand in debt! And his cc's finance charges were through the roof due to late payments and skipping payments! They were always calling our house. He never had cash on him either. I began to smell a rat.

I said, "OK, I know how much your half of the rent is, I know what your car payment is and I know what your living expenses are. So how do you account for hundreds of dollars per month, that SHOULD be going to the cc debt but instead seems to be disappearing?"

He stammered and flubbered, but couldn't come up with a good explanation for where his money all went. I suspected drugs.

 

We broke up soon after. I just couldn't hitch my wagon to someone who was so irresponsible with money....and who hid information from me and was likely spending money on something illegal.

 

Now you're in a different boat -- you're already married and probably have some of your finances and property intermingled.

 

This is an important issue and the fact that he shows NO INTEREST in following a budget, despite all the unhappiness it is causing you is really sad.

 

Do you know if he is clinically depressed?

 

Is he abusing alcohol or drugs? Or gambling?

 

I would slowly start putting my own money in a seperate account and start seperating your affairs. I am not saying get a divorce, but you need to protect what you have and what you own.

 

Sell whatever you can to make a few extra dollars and stash it.

 

You may need to give him an ultimatum. Either he committ to a budget and you agree to work yourself out of debt.....or you will have to seperate.

 

This is not a joke. One or the other of you could end up in jail.

[Juliet2]

I went through the same thing.