My wife has just left, please help.

[magicthrow]

I came in on monday and found a note onthe table with her rings attatched.

It said she feels she doesnt love me anymore, and me wanting a kid and her not wanting one means the relationship is wrong.

She told me not to contact her for a week, but she would contact me in a couple of days. On tuesday i had to see her so i drove to her work. She said she didnt love me anymore and didnt fancy me. I repeatedly said i didnt care about a baby and would pick her every time, which is now true. I also said its no wonder she doesnt love me or fancy me. Without realising it i can be quite miserable while she is very happy, she goes out quite a lot which makes me jelous as i did find her texting a man a year or two ago. This was not an afair as such they were just texting. To cut a long story short i can be quite controlling, i love her so much, she is my world.She has said in the past she needs space to breath but i havnt heede her warnings. I just want to spend every second of the day with her. We have so much in common and it was only a couple of weeks ago she said she loves me in suych an honest way out of the blue, i know it is still there.

I have sent her flowers and a letter explaining how this happening can be very positive for our marriage and how i have finally seen the light,detailing how i have to change. I dont think there is another man, she just says she needs time to decide if she still loves me.

Im meeting her tommorrow, what should i say other than the obvious, and what shouldnt i say?

[magicthrow]

I am 29 and she is 29, we have been married 6 years and live in the uk.

She also wants her own horse, which i have never taken seriously because of the cost, and the fact she has horses on loan. I have now said i will buy her one but she doesnt want me to.

I think she is just thinking single life is more attractive as she can do as she wants. Now how do i convince her that she can have that with me.

This has come as such a hammer blow to me i am seeing things in a differant light and know exactly what i must do to put things right. Ijust need the chance.

[Owl]

That texting WAS an affair!!! Go over to the infidelity section and read my story (from quite a while ago, so you'll have to search for it) Your wife was having an emotional affair, which is every bit as damaging to your marriage as if it were physical (which she would have almost certainly denied if it HAD been physical).

 

You should go back and look at her online computer usage, and her cell phone invoices. I'll bet you'll find that she's either still in contact with the same person, or someone new.

 

You're getting the standard speech from someone involved in an affair...start looking HARD for something like this to be going on. I'd bet you quite a lot that this is what's happening.

[Lil Honey]

I believe that the text messaging was an emotional affair, as well. I also agree that an emotional affair can be just as damaging, if not MORE damaging, as a physical affair.

 

I think that you have your work cut out for you. Get as much information as you can about the people she is in contact with. Getting information will be better for you in the long run, than desperately and emotionally promising her the moon and the stars.

You should ask to go to counseling, if you really want to make the marriage work.

 

She sounds determined to me.

[magicthrow]

I read all the texts, and it seemed to me that she just wanted to be fancied.

I dont think he was that interested, she said things like 'im in a pub now and all the men are looking at me, why dont you come out'. It seemed from what i read that she just wanted attention. I admit i probably was not giving her what she needed. As she is quite insecure about her looks.

I have checked her mobile since and found nothing. I do not like doing this though and will never do it again, after acussing her over something i was suspicous about and it was completely innocent.

I think she is staying with a girl from work, she lives on her own with a child.

I think she has just split from her boyfriend, I have always thought that this this girl would be trouble, as from what my wife has told me about this girls past.

I would not be surprised if this girl has heavily encouraged her to take this step. She has probably convinced her how good the single life is, and how bad i am. Its in her interest ,shes on her own, probably lonely, and i wouldnt be surprised if she wants her to move in and pay towards rent etc.

I hopefully will find out more tonight, if we do meet as arranged.

I just dont kknow wether to push her on the subject of this girl because im worried it will make her defencive,especially if it is happening and she doesnt realise it.

[Woggle]

Just let it go. Don't sweat it. No woman is worth crying over. Show her you can be happy without her and she just might change her mind. It is no guarantee but women turn around when they see you can livea happy life without them. Beleieve me it works because I am speaking from experience. You guys have no kids so if it is over then it is no big deal. You can just go your seperate ways.

[suzie sweet]

Dont let her think she can have her cake & eat it by giving in and wanting to buy her what she wants.It wudnt work in the long run cos she will walk all over you.I did it to my hubby we av been seperated 3 mths now, i also think she is getting attention from another man regarding the texts you have seen.I wanted the single life (so i thought) cos my hubby was like you he loved me to bits & wud give me anything but i was the controlling one with him. So if you follow in my hubbys footsteps and become strong and let her see you are and that you can live without her believe me it might shake her up. It has with me i always thought i cud have my cake & eat it but hes changed towards me which makes me respect him and want him back so much ive ended the affair with the other man cos i luv my hubby but i have damaged it too much for him to want me back, but there cud be a chance for you let her think you agree to the seperation and that your feeling happier on your own it mite shake her up it did me best of luk i know what you must be feeling like. )PS. i also live in the uk and these horrible dark wintery nights are cuming and theres nothing worse than sitting in mulling over things so the sooner you try and look strong the better, Keep ye unhappiness in the 4 walls where she cant see

[Woggle]

Dont let her think she can have her cake & eat it by giving in and wanting to buy her what she wants.It wudnt work in the long run cos she will walk all over you.I did it to my hubby we av been seperated 3 mths now, i also think she is getting attention from another man regarding the texts you have seen.I wanted the single life (so i thought) cos my hubby was like you he loved me to bits & wud give me anything but i was the controlling one with him. So if you follow in my hubbys footsteps and become strong and let her see you are and that you can live without her believe me it might shake her up. It has with me i always thought i cud have my cake & eat it but hes changed towards me which makes me respect him and want him back so much ive ended the affair with the other man cos i luv my hubby but i have damaged it too much for him to want me back, but there cud be a chance for you let her think you agree to the seperation and that your feeling happier on your own it mite shake her up it did me best of luk i know what you must be feeling like. )PS. i also live in the uk and these horrible dark wintery nights are cuming and theres nothing worse than sitting in mulling over things so the sooner you try and look strong the better, Keep ye unhappiness in the 4 walls where she cant see

 

I actually respect you for admitting you were wrong. Very few woman actually admit they are wrong and that they caused the problems. That is a big step for you and you seem sincere about it. If I were your husband I might consider giving you one more chance but i would make you suffer a little bit before I actually went back. Of course if you blew it again things would be over for good. Show your husband my post.

[bluechocolate]

I just don't know Werther to push her on the subject of this girl because I'm worried it will make her defensive,especially if it is happening and she doesn't realise it.

 

Do NOT push her about this girl as it will immediately make her defensive. Your intuition may be right about her friend but trying to place some of the blame there only deflects from the real issue.

 

I have now said i will buy her one but she doesn't want me to.

 

Good. Buying her a horse wouldn't solve anything either.

 

... i am seeing things in a different light and know exactly what i must do to put things right.

 

Keep in mind that you're not the only one who has some work to do here. Your wife is also responsible for her behaviour.

 

I admit i probably was not giving her what she needed. As she is quite insecure about her looks.

 

That is not a justification for sending flirtatious inviting emails to strange men. Is it?

 

As long as she's living away from you the only thing you can do right now is try to keep the lines of communication open. Don't argue with her. Tell her you're willing to work on things but don't beg her to come home. You're going to need to find out from her why she left the rings. Does she want a divorce? It sounds like there's a lot to unravel here. Children (keeping in mind this friend of hers has a child), insecurity, neglect, an emotional affair.....

[Devildog]

Have a read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49359/

 

You will see from my experience what not to do. Don't get emotional, don't promise everything, don't plead and pledge your undying love. It makes you look weak and undesireable.

 

Be a man, show some back bone. Take charge if possible. Tell her you want to file for legal separation. Take the control out of her hands. Believe it or not, she will probably find you more attractive and desireable after that.

[magicthrow]

Thanks everyone, most of what you have said makes sense, its good of you to put aside the time to help.

I forgot to mention the note said if she still feels the same in weeks time she will divorce me.

The problem is while i havnt really done anything wrong as such, i do feel i am to blame. I have been insecure from the start, and i can be quite boring, and maon alot. The thing is though i love her more than anything and i want her back.

Iv just been in contact and she now cant meet me till sunday. I had been handling this on my own, but i cant wait that long. I am going to tell my see my mum, i will let you know how it goes.

[Owl]

Well, anything you do is of course your choice. But I want to re-iterate my warning...everything you have described is classic signs of an affair.

 

I can almost garauntee that at some point as you move forward through this mess you're going to find that she's already got someone else. VERY few people follow the script you've described without this being the case...and it's even more rare for a woman (not trying to be sexist, simply basing this off of what I've seen) to leave the emotional security of a marriage without already having an emotional base someplace else (i.e...another man).

 

Good luck to you!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Well, anything you do is of course your choice. But I want to re-iterate my warning...everything you have described is classic signs of an affair.

 

I can almost garauntee that at some point as you move forward through this mess you're going to find that she's already got someone else. VERY few people follow the script you've described without this being the case...and it's even more rare for a woman (not trying to be sexist, simply basing this off of what I've seen) to leave the emotional security of a marriage without already having an emotional base someplace else (i.e...another man).

 

Good luck to you!

 

I totally agree with you owl.....

[magicthrow]

I totally agree with you owl.....

 

I no its a possability, if she has got someone i think she is either trying to work out who she should go with, or how serious this man is.

I will have to wait until sunday to find out. Until then i would like to give herthe benefit ot the doubt.

We are together all the time, the only time she could of met someone is on the odd night out. We are together or at work 'were ther are no males' at all other times. So if she has found someone it must be in the early stages.

Anyway, i have to beleive for now she wouldnt do that to me.

[magicthrow]

By the way, i am reading everything you have all wrote over and over, I havnt got time to reply to each one but they are giving me quite a balanced view, and are very helpful to me, thanks.

[Woggle]

Thanks everyone, most of what you have said makes sense, its good of you to put aside the time to help.

I forgot to mention the note said if she still feels the same in weeks time she will divorce me.

The problem is while i havnt really done anything wrong as such, i do feel i am to blame. I have been insecure from the start, and i can be quite boring, and maon alot. The thing is though i love her more than anything and i want her back.

Iv just been in contact and she now cant meet me till sunday. I had been handling this on my own, but i cant wait that long. I am going to tell my see my mum, i will let you know how it goes.

You have not done anything wrong so stop blaming yourself. Nobody is perfect and that does not give her the right to cheat. If she wants to leave that is her choice but don't beg her and anytime you see her show how happy you are. Hang out with your friends, go to a few concerts, go to a few soccer games or whatever it is you guys do in the UK. Show her that you can have a happy life without her.

[magicthrow]

You have not done anything wrong so stop blaming yourself. Nobody is perfect and that does not give her the right to cheat. If she wants to leave that is her choice but don't beg her and anytime you see her show how happy you are. Hang out with your friends, go to a few concerts, go to a few soccer games or whatever it is you guys do in the UK. Show her that you can have a happy life without her.

 

 

Hahah! We call it football over here, guess who doesnt have any freinds, not the type i go out with anyway.

Bet you can all guess who my best freind is. Fancy flying over for the weekend?

[Woggle]

Hahah! We call it football over here, guess who doesnt have any freinds, not the type i go out with anyway.

Bet you can all guess who my best freind is. Fancy flying over for the weekend?

 

Find some friends. Grow a spine because nobody will respect you until you respect yourself.

[magicthrow]

Ok, weve talked, and its pretty much over.

As some of you guys suspected she is now with another man.

She said she met him 2 weeks ago and had one date before she left me.

There were a few things she said like, he loves everything about me even my feet, (iv allways joked about them because sometimes there a bit scabby cause of a skin problem), to me that shows she is very insecure and craving attention, but i was only joking. She also told me, it sounds terrible but she hasnt thought of me once. I told her that was hardly surprising as shes started seeing someone and fell in love. Anyway I told her im going to get on with my life, and if she wants to talk in the future we can, but i belive you have some unresolved issues from your past that need resolving, and you would benefit from counseling before you can be happy with anyone, as she did have problems in early relationships and a mother that put her dowwn and controlled her.

Anyway im on my own now contempating what to do next.

[Ladyjane14]

She threw you over, her husband of six years....for a guy she met two weeks ago! That's ridiculously immature for a woman of 29 years.

 

If you had kids and mortgages, it might be worth trying to work something out with her. But as things stand now, you're probably better off to call it a rout, thank your lucky starts you missed the parenting bullet, and move on.

 

I'm sorry for you though....'cause I know it hurts like a bitch.

 

I posted similar to someone else a few weeks ago. It's just too difficult to recover from infidelity to begin with. Even worse, when your partner displays narcissistic tendancies and an overall lack of maturity.

 

You're going to want a woman who is more mature and capable of true partnership to share your life with. 'Party-girl' is unlikely to be able to hold up her end when it comes to all that.

 

Consider choosing your next partner with those capabilities in mind. You're wanting a family someday, right? Your next wife is going to be the mother of your children. Choose her carefully.

 

Meanwhile, this one will come creeping back shortly. Be prepared for how you want to handle that. She'll want to be "your friend", because her conscience is going to be making demands of her. She's not going to want to feel bad about herself, and if she can assuage your hurt feelings....she's free to feel better about the whole thing.

 

Or, she'll want to come back as your wife...because the relationship with OM has crashed and burned.

 

Either way, plan your strategy in advance. You don't want to get caught off guard. Next thing, you'll be wrapped up tight again.

[magicthrow]

Thanks, your probably right about the kind of woman i need.

She is quite imature about certain things, there are things that i just think she cant face up to. She can put up an emotional sheild about certain things and appear cold, but i know she is anything but.

I expect everyone says this, but we really were best of freinds and enjoyed doing everthing together.

I actually still love her now, as much as when we got engaged. Having said that i no i must try and move on, and as you suggest look for someone more mature. I just cant imagine how long it would be till i stop feeling the same way about her.

Do people successfully move on while still being in love with someone else.

[Lil Honey]

she goes out quite a lot which makes me jelous as i did find her texting a man a year or two ago. This was not an afair as such they were just texting.

 

I think the guy she was text messaging and the guy she's met over the last two weeks are one and the same and she's simply lying to you. Most women don't dump a marriage of several years for someone they met two weeks ago.

 

BTW, she CAN find someone new, even when she's with you most of the time, just by going online . . . it could have started as an online flirtation and went to text messages to real-life meetings. You may never get a true answer.

[magicthrow]

I must admit im not so concerned how it all happened now. She has now admitted that she kissed that guy once, at the time, to tell you the truth when we talked on sunday she was very open and i dont think she would of thought twice about sparing my feelings.If anything she was trying to make me see how bad she was.