centered Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 This is a question for the guys. After your separation and/or divorce, how long did it take you to be able to love a new woman? How long were you married? Were there kids involved? I'm asking because I'm dating a guy who's terrific, we have so much in common, we see each other 4 or 5 times a week now, and we've been together about 5 months. He was married for over 15 years, separated (divorce pending) for almost 2 years. The divorce is proceeding amicably, and I have become friends with his ex. One young-teen daughter who likes me well enough. And here's the "but" -- I love him, and he knows this, but he still feels his heart is locked tight. He likes me, a lot, and doesn't want to see anyone else. And he makes plans for us months into the future. He even talks about us being together years from now and growing closer and closer. But he says he is afraid to "love" again. When he first told me this, I cried pretty hard. But I came to understand it wasn't just me he was having problems loving. He suffers from what he calls a lot of battle damage, and he has scars. But he also says he is healing, and that he is starting to feel little threads of deep emotion toward me. So I take that as a good sign that we may one day have something really lasting together. I hope so, because I've never found anyone who's a better match for me, and I hope.... I hope.... So, how long, guys? Link to post Share on other sites
chaos70 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 My advice...give him space but gently remind him. I'm in the midst of a divorce and I can't even fathom at the moment dating. Mainly because the whole D experience has left a bad taste in my mouth, and that's only 2 years of marriage (5 years of dating exclusive though). 15 years is indeed a long time. Again, it's a good thing that he is opening up again and starting to be receptive toward longer term plans. Signs of healing and moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author centered Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by chaos70 My advice...give him space but gently remind him. Yes -- this is super important. I'm very careful to give him space and to let him set the pace. I can see the tender and raw places in his confidence, and I want him to grow strong again. And the only way that can happen is for him to stand on his own as much as possible. He includes me in so many parts of his life, so I don't feel shut out at all. I'm in the midst of a divorce and I can't even fathom at the moment dating. Mainly because the whole D experience has left a bad taste in my mouth, and that's only 2 years of marriage (5 years of dating exclusive though). 15 years is indeed a long time. You'll be fine You really seem to have your act together, and you're a clear thinker. They say it takes half the length of a marriage to really be completely over it. In my case, this was true, I think. I was married 10 years and wasn't able to let go of the feeling of betrayal and bitterness for about 5 years. It took me 2 years to be open to someone new, and another 3 years before the wounds were fully healed. But in my case, the divorce was very hostile. In my boyfriend's case, he and his ex are still friends, and they are working together to make everything amicable and smooth. This gives me hope that he won't need 7+ years to recover! Again, it's a good thing that he is opening up again and starting to be receptive toward longer term plans. Signs of healing and moving forward. Thank you for saying this. I'm *so* hoping that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
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