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Separation fears....I want my wife back!


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Old 30th June 2005, 12:03 PM   #1
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Separation fears....I want my wife back!

My wife and I have been separated for a week now. It's devasting to me. I can't eat or sleep let a lone going to work on a daily basis.
My wife quit her job and moved back to her parents three months ago while I stayed behind due to me work. The cities are only 2 hours apart.
I should have noticed all the signs. She was telling me that we need to woek on our marriage but I was too blinded.
My problem has been that I've never shown her the love and attention that she needed. She needed a hug and kiss here and there but I was to "busy" with other things. My mind was always somewhere else. WHen she needed to talk to me on the phone, I always ended the converstation too quikly or not even calling at all. Over time, I hurt her so much over the years. She is a great person but I let her get away from me.

So in place of her needs, this other guy at her work started to "call" her and provided the missing needs that she was not getting from me, her husband.

She now wants time to decided if she can love me again. She said she loves me but she's not "in Love" with me. She needs to sort out her feelings to see if she can ever get that love back and give it to me again. She wants to date that other guy during the separation to see if it's what she wants. SHe told me that she doesn't want to make a decision when she's confused and have resentment toward me. She's upset because I waited until now to "see the light". She know that I've change but she doesn't know her own feelings. Since I have asked her not to talk to the guy and not to see him once I found out about the guy, she told me that she will respect me and do what I've asked.
She told me that there was never any physical affair with the other guy. It was all phone and a few times lunches.

I know I screwed up. I love this girl but I didn't not show her the love that she needed which wasn't too much to ask. Plus there was a point I was going through a phaze and was talking to this one girl at my work too. I was so mean to her. (this was before we got married). We have been living togetther for 14 years and married two years ago. I was so mean to her. During that time, I think she lost about 10-15 lbs. She was so hurt by it but I never wanted to talk about it to let her release her feelings about the situation. I regret what I did to her.

I love this girl very much. I don't know why I let a perfect wife get away. It's all my fault. Now, it may be too late.
She told me that she wants to date during the separattion to find things out, but she won't because she knows it will hurt me.
I love her and I want to her to be happy. I have hurt her enough. BUt I also want her back into my life.
Should I tell her to just go ahead and date? I don't want her to but I want the best for her.

If I lose her, I will not forgive myself. I don't know if I can go on fucntioning normally without the love of my life.
I miss her so much.


It's so hard to cope. I have few friends because she has been my best friend. Sometimes, I have thoughts about eding it all but I stop myself from thinking those thoughts after a few moments. I know that's it's wrong.
I need suggestions on how to cope.

Last edited by ktmrider; 30th June 2005 at 12:09 PM..
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Old 30th June 2005, 12:08 PM   #2
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Stop beating yourself up. You'll kill your self with coulda, shoulda, woulda's. Give her the time she needs but you need to pick yourself up and get it together.
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Old 30th June 2005, 12:32 PM   #3
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KTM-

I could have been your wife.........my exhusband only smartened up as I was leaving. Too bad he didn't read all the books I bought, or articles I left him or listen to me when I asked for counseling repeatedly. It was just too late for me.

Could I suggest a book for you? There is a book with a title like, "Winning back your wife" or something like that- the author is Gary Chapman, who has written alot of great marriage books. You should be able to find it at any bookstore.

You can still save this marriage but probably only if she cuts off contact with this guy and does counseling...........
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Old 30th June 2005, 2:29 PM   #4
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I called her this morning and suggested that we seek counseling. She told me that I was pressuring her.
She said that she can make up her mind by herself (that it's up to her now).

She was pissed off last night when I mentioned about the other guy. She said that I was trying to shift the blame and not accepting that it was my problem that led to it. That I was not owning up.

I guess she needs more time. I'm just hanging on to any hope I can get.
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Old 30th June 2005, 3:42 PM   #5
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I want to take a few weeks off from my work and just rent a hotel close to the house. Is this a good idea?
She told me she wants some time to think. I just can't sit here and do nothing but call her...
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Old 30th June 2005, 3:46 PM   #6
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She is trying to shift the blame back to you for her infidelity- emotional or otherwise. Yeah, I did that too, that's how I know.

Accept responsibility for your part yes, but do not take the whole blame. She is the one who decided to step outside the marriage. Does she know about the woman from work you were talking with before?
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Old 30th June 2005, 4:20 PM   #7
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She does. She told me that it has "scarred" her. When she wanted to vent and talk about it, I didn't want to talk about it.
Yes, I hurt her. She was never able to get over it. That and my insensitivity have resulted in this separation.

When I call her on the phone now, she doesn't want to hear or talk about this at all. She said she just want to take time and think about it on her own.

I want to rent a hotel and stay close to her, but I think that we aggravate her more?

What should I do at this point? Should I just let her have her space? Respect her wishes?
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Old 30th June 2005, 4:56 PM   #8
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Buy the first book I suggested. Then also buy "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Everything that his book says NOT to do, my exhusband did and it pushed me away. I didn't read it until after the separation.

Begging and pleading will not help, it will only push her further away. You should tell her that you love her, and that you want to try and make the marriage work, but that you are not going to force her to be with you if she doesn't want to be. That if she should decide to work it out with you you would be willing to do whatever it took to do so- counseling etc. Then, let her go. Do not call her while she is taking this time. She will be curious over what you are doing more than likely and contact you. When I say do not contact her, I mean DO NOT contact her. Tell her you are giving her such and such amount of time to work it out in her head, but that to you it's unacceptable for her to be spending time with someone outside the marriage while she is suposed to be working on herself. Then, let it go.

That is bs, just so you know. She's in a fog because of this new relationship. There is also a marriage builders website you can google. There is lots of good info there.
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Old 30th June 2005, 5:14 PM   #9
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Thank you very much for the advice! I usualy call her about 10 times a day....
I think I'm going to stop for a few days....I'll call her this weekend and just talk for about 5 minutes....

How about sending cards saying that I'm thinking of her?
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Old 30th June 2005, 5:38 PM   #10
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Mz. Pixie has given you excellent advice. Follow it. It's important for you to educate yourself on the marital relationship. Here are a few more book titles:

His Needs / Her Needs by Harley
The Five Love Languages by Chapman
Not Just Friends by Glass

It's important that you do your best to convince your wife that you CAN and WILL fulfill her needs. This is better done with actions than by just words. So, stop calling her 10 times a day.

Read all you can. Sign up for marriage counseling, and go alone if she won't join you at first. Let her see that you're willing and able to WORK. Let her see that you are the preferable alternative to the other guy. She's living out a fantasy. Let her see that REALITY has it's own rewards, and can be just as fulfilling.

That said, it's perfectly acceptable to set personal boundaries. It's NOT okay to "date" when you're married. You can draw the line there. If she's going to cross it.....she'll do it with or without your permission anyway. You needn't give her permission to destroy the marriage, when your goal is to save it.

Also, set your boundaries in regards to fiscal responsibility and any other deal-breakers that would cause you to lose love for her. Don't be afraid to do this. You can't lose what's already gone.
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Old 30th June 2005, 5:39 PM   #11
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I'm gonna say smothering her at this point isn't gonna do the trick.
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Old 30th June 2005, 5:43 PM   #12
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Bro, please. Get "Love Must Be Tough' - Dr. David Dobson

Read it. Please. At least twice through.

Do not tell your S/O you are reading the book. Just read it.

If need be, I can mail you my copy (as long as you mail it back.) Otherwise, RUSH order from Amazon. It will definitely open your eyes....
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Old 30th June 2005, 6:03 PM   #13
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Please....can you send it to me asap?
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Old 30th June 2005, 6:08 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by ktmrider
Please....can you send it to me asap?
I can. Are you unable to get a rush order from Amazon?
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Old 30th June 2005, 7:10 PM   #15
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I ordered the book. Since Amazon doesn't carry it, it's going to be around July 12th! I'm like....my marriage might be over by that time! lol

I even did an 'expediate" order too.
Let me know how I can you a private email to make arangements...I'll pay for all the shipping...

By the way, she just called me to talk. We chat for about 30 minutes. Just nothing important in particular. I just stick to "regular" conversation and not anything else. I don't know if she wanted to tell me something or just felt bad about last night and earlier.
I felt like she was going to break the bad news to me or something. But we just ended the conversation with "Alright, I'll see you later."

go figure....i have no idea what is going through her mind right now....
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