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Right or Wrong?


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PghGirl8516

Hi all, and thank you for reading. I am not going to get into the hardcore details as it would make this post a full blown novel, but the basics are - I have an 8 year old son, and have been divorced from his bio dad for nearly 7 years now. I remarried a few years ago and also have a 2 1/2 year old son.

 

My ex husband and I never had a great relationship, but we made it a point to ALWAYS act in the best interest of our 8 year old and keep things civil (although it has been nothing short of challenging over the years).

 

We have been doing a 50/50 custody with our 8 yr old since Day 1 which has been working well. He does great in school, has a fantastic group of friends, a large family, etc. Over the past 8 months however, my ex husband accepted a job offer in which he now travels a LOT. I mean a LOT. In lieu of this, my 8 yr old has obviously been with me much more than my ex. Recently, my ex husband has requested that since he is missing out so much on our son being around, that he gets him for longer periods of time (ie: instead of every other week, a full month at a time, or 3 weeks at a time) - currently we are on an every-other-week schedule.

 

Now...I know my response to this will seem "awful" and I may receive a lot of "HOW DARE YOU's", and that is fine. I am just being open and honest about my feelings, which I cannot help but to feel.

 

My basic response to this schedule adjustment was "I do not think that is right".

I do not feel as though I should be "punished" more or less because my ex husband chose a job that obligates him to travel all over the place. Now if my ex had been fired/laid off from his previous job and he HAD to take this job, then perhaps I would not feel this way. I would most likely feel more empathetic, however...that is not the case. The other reason for my current feelings are that when he is with his dad, his school work at times suffers. My ex husband typically does not get done with work until late, at which point his availability to help our son with homework is minimal, and his grades and in-school efforts have fallen short during these times, which is just another reason I feel so weary about not seeing my son for an entire month.

This is not to say that he is a bad father, I believe he wants the best for our son, it's just his availability is so limited.

 

In summary, our child custody agreement stated it would be a 50/50 split on a bi-weekly rotating schedule. I am fine bending this rule (God knows we have many times in the past here and there), but a full month? I feel it is uncalled for and unnecessary.

 

How would you guys handle this particular situation?

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I take it you & your EX both live somewhere so that your son can be at either house & still go to school?

 

I don't think I'd agree to month but would it really be that awful to let your son stay with his dad for two weeks at a time to make up for when you have him for a month at a time? Even 3 weeks with maybe the middle weekend at your house? I don't know exactly what the right answer is, but don't be rigid about the schedule just to be rigid. Even though he's only 8 & doesn't get the final say, what about asking your son what he prefers?

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PghGirl8516

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

 

I am not being rigid "just to be rigid". I do not want my son's schoolwork to slip, and my husband and I have both asked my son if he would prefer to spend a few weeks with dad. His answer was "I guess so, but can I come back home to play with my brother and friends whenever I want?".

 

If this was a once-in-a while thing, sure. No biggy. It's not though. This is the offer being put on the table for the long haul (as long as he has this job that is).

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Your son's desire to spend time with his siblings should be the controlling factor. Have you shared that with your EX-H?

 

Why do you think the school work will slip if your son spends more time at dad's? If it doesn't would that help alleviate any concerns you have?

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If the issue really IS about your son's schoolwork, then let your ex have him for a month or more during the summer, and during any school breaks where there isn't homework that needs to be done. I think it's wrong to penalize him for taking a job that is more to his liking, even if it messes up the custody arrangement - as long as it is good for your son, and spending time with his father is probably in his best interest.

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PghGirl8516

The sole issue is not JUST the schoolwork, as I did mention above. It is one of the factors.

 

I have mentioned several times (as has my son) to my ex husband that he really, truly basks in the time spent with his little brother. My older son is a massive help with his little brother and I feel my older son takes a lot of pride in that. We have pets that he cares for as well and we have an all-around more structured environment. My ex-husband should not be punished for taking his job, no, but neither should any of us, including my son.

 

One example:

During our last parent-teacher conference, the teacher suggested that our son take an ESL exam (my ex-husband refuses to speak to our son in English at home, and also tries to educate him with his schoolwork in his native language) as he is confusing many math terms while in class. I am happy my son is bi-lingual. Many children are, and when my ex-husband was presented with this suggestion, he swept it under the carpet and refused. The other issue with schoolwork is that when my ex-husband is working late, he sends our son to my ex-mother-in-laws house, who does not speak English, and she then ends up helping our son with homework, etc. My son also spends a lot of nights at his grandmother's house so that she can see him off to school in the mornings when my ex-husband is working late, or has to be at work extremely early before the bus comes.

 

Although I want my son to be involved in some decisions...he is not quite old enough to grasp the concept of "what's in your best interest". He DOES enjoy spending time with his father, which is sadly not often. I was a single "married" mother when I was with my ex-husband and that was ultimately one of the reasons we are no longer married (along with others).

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If the teachers are suggesting ESL classes I can see where the bi-lingual aspects of being in his father's household for long stretches would be problematic.

 

What about a different kind of compromise where dad gets a few more weekends when he's around & some extra time in the summer? Maybe a special weeknight father son dinner, assuming homework was finished before your son went off to dinner? Some of this may get easier as your son grows up & his language skills strengthen.

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hippychick3

I have the same custody arrangement with my daughter and there is no way in H*** I‘d be okay with her spending a month with her dad at a time. We have her every other week and then each have her for 2 weeks at a time twice during the year (winter break and summer break), and that is hard enough for me. I can’t imagine being separated from her for more than 2 weeks.

 

I agree with you. Your ex chose to take the job and all that it entails. His proposal is not necessarily in your child’s best interest. Propose extra weekend time here and there instead.

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PghGirl8516

I actually suggested just that - a "getaway" weekend so to speak with just the 2 of them. Get away from the city and go camping for a weekend, perhaps a national park, something different. We try to do outings like that once a month or every other month. It is hard for my ex-husband with his work schedule. It's a downright shame but it's the reality of things.

I believe he likes these types of jobs because it keeps him very busy and lets his mind focus on something else. Just me thinking "outloud" I suppose.

 

I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage with him to a point where both my parents and his intervened. Not sure I would've managed to overcome everything without my parents in all honesty. When we first divorced, I had wanted full custody of our son given everything that happened. We ultimately agreed on a 50/50 split as I did not want my son to grow up without him in his life.

Today, I feel sorry for my ex-husband because I know he has gone though many relationships since our divorce (my 8 year old will report back on these often) and has not been able to re-establish another marriage, or long-term relationship.

 

My priority are my 2 boys and my husband. They are my main circle of everything. I know how things are being done when my son is home with us, and I know he is going to school every day with his homework completed correctly, he is prepared for exams, etc. This just is not how it is when he is with my ex.

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BarbedFenceRider

Meanwhile, thousands of guys with no jobs, and no care for their offspring at all. I think overall, some compromise and better communication could help with your son. Be thankful, that the boy gets a willing father in spades.

 

He was fired from the job as being a provider for your family, but he has the right to provide for himself. And you don't get a say in that. You can be willing to work together on a more suitable schedule for co-parenting, but throwing his work as a point of contention can be disastrous.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

This is really tough, and you sound like you truly are coming from a place of wanting what is best for your son.

 

These early school years are so important in terms of setting a strong educational foundation. I'd suggest allowing this arrangement during the summertime, but not during the school year until he gets a little older. During the school year let him take your son on the long holiday weekends if he is in town.

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Compromise....tell you husband you will be more flexible with adjusting to his visitation request with the promise...and validation...that your sons schoolwork will not suffer. If he agrees to this, then there shouldn't be a problem unless...there is more to it.

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PghGirl8516

Thank you everyone for your input! I appreciate it and read through everyone's point of view.

Summers tend to pose the same type of problems, just in a different setting (ie: ex-H is never available to take son to-and-from sports, summer activites, etc). My ex-H's job and money always came first. The short amount of time that he WAS home was spent with his buddies. Funny how his frame of mind shifted once the separation/divorce occurred.

 

My husband (my son's step-father) has a stronger relationship & involvement with my son than my ex-H does. My husband changed careers in order to be able to spend time with both of the boys when I am working, and v/v. We worked out schedules in order to maximize the time we have with the family.

 

Life is not about money. The years when kids are small and innocent and impressionable do not last long, so in my personal opinion, I would rather give up the fancier things in life that a large income can offer, and settle for something less in order to gain more time with family. I cannot help but feel the truth behind the term "you can't always have your cake and eat it too".

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It's true that you have no say in your ex's work, but you and your son aren't obligated to change everything in your lives based on his decision.

 

I travel for work and have a 7 yr old son. I understand that I am going to miss out on time with my son, that I'll miss some events. I was traveling on my son's first birthday (that really sucked!!). I traveled more when he was very young so that I could move up in my field and travel less as he got older. But less isn't "none". It was my own decision and there is no one else to blame for it.

 

It's hard to balance the need to provide for one's family and the the need to be with the family sometimes. Just like it's hard to balance out the need for kids to see their parent and their need for stability and consistency. I travel, but I also bend over backwards to keep my son's life stable. I hire out help and luckily have family to help me when I travel, so that my son's life isn't disrupted when I travel. He goes to sleep and wakes up in his own bed no matter what; his after school care doesn't change. He still goes to sports, scouts, church activities, etc.

 

I would err towards keeping his schedules and routines as consistent as possible. Let his dad take him on extra days on a per-case basis. Offer more Facetime/Skype etc, but don't make huge changes to the schedule.

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I cannot help but feel the truth behind the term "you can't always have your cake and eat it too".

 

You seem intent on punishing your ex. While he perhaps deserves it, you'd be better off by letting it go.

 

Many posters have suggested reasonable compromises yet you've largely dismissed each one. If approbation is all you want, let me be there first to tell you - you're right!

 

Now think about doing the right thing for everyone involved. You may need similar consideration some day...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thank you everyone for your input! I appreciate it and read through everyone's point of view.

Summers tend to pose the same type of problems, just in a different setting (ie: ex-H is never available to take son to-and-from sports, summer activites, etc). My ex-H's job and money always came first. The short amount of time that he WAS home was spent with his buddies. Funny how his frame of mind shifted once the separation/divorce occurred.

 

My husband (my son's step-father) has a stronger relationship & involvement with my son than my ex-H does. My husband changed careers in order to be able to spend time with both of the boys when I am working, and v/v. We worked out schedules in order to maximize the time we have with the family.

 

Life is not about money. The years when kids are small and innocent and impressionable do not last long, so in my personal opinion, I would rather give up the fancier things in life that a large income can offer, and settle for something less in order to gain more time with family. I cannot help but feel the truth behind the term "you can't always have your cake and eat it too".

 

Changing careers is not easy for everyone. Nor finding a new job

always easy. Then finding a job that pays the same is never

guaranteed.

 

You and your new H are a two income family. Your exh does not.

 

However your XH's problems are not yours. He should of asked

to see if you would change custody before he took this new job.

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I wouldn't go with your Ex H's suggestion. He chose this job with full knowledge he has a son and it would mean seeing less if him.

 

That shouldn't mean you all suffer in some way for his choice.

 

One month is way too long for you to go without seeing your son.

 

Your Ex has not shown develop put your son's education as a priority following the teacher's instruction/suggestion.

 

Maybe your son could go there for one week...but a month is too long.

 

I must also add that I don't understand why it's been said you should be grateful he's interested in his seeing his own child.

 

That's the least one would expect of a father and just because some useless men aren't involved...no hold medals are warranted here.

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