LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Going to try for separation again.


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree33Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 25th January 2018, 11:33 PM   #16
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
Not sure what happened but all of that reply didn't post. He also has two tractors, two riding lawn mowers, a four wheeler, an Italian mountain bike, three air compressors and I have no idea how many guns. He had two motorcycles until about 7 weeks ago when a sheriff's deputy caused an accident and totaled it. The other one is an antique that he took in exchange for past due rent on a rental house that his mom owned. He wanted a project to restore with our son-in-law but it's been in his mom's basement for over 20 years. His mom is just like him - Her basement is a maze of things that she has brought home from her rental property when people moved out. Vacuums that don't run, broken chairs, tables, couches. One of our daughters is in psychiatry and she has told me that both he and his mom are OCPD. Learning about this mental illness has helped me to understand and learn how to work with him through the years. He no longer yells or curses over things. He is able to at least listen when i attempt to talk to him - he just doesn't take things to heart. I can't tell you how many times I've had to discuss divorce with him. When I get to that point, he listens and usually makes the concession I need to stay. I'm just tired of getting pushed to that point to be heard.
amelia0607 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th January 2018, 1:57 AM   #17
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 438
Amelia...

Thanks for the explanation, but all I can say is "WOW", that is a lot. I imagine some of it will have to be sold or auctioned off.

I remember when my Dad had too much stuff, I went over and we talked and sorted and sent a whole bunch of stuff to auction. In the end, he just needed some help clearing and cleaning. He is happier for the process.

I really do wish you the best of luck.
__________________
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th January 2018, 1:26 PM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
Amelia...

Thanks for the explanation, but all I can say is "WOW", that is a lot. I imagine some of it will have to be sold or auctioned off.

I remember when my Dad had too much stuff, I went over and we talked and sorted and sent a whole bunch of stuff to auction. In the end, he just needed some help clearing and cleaning. He is happier for the process.

I really do wish you the best of luck.

No, he won't have to sell any of this. HE has the money from what he promised me for my retirement so he will be able to just pay me and won't bat an eye at that. He will not sell his precious toys even if he doesn't play with them.


I have accumulated some of my mom's things and am having difficulty letting go of those things but I'm beginning and I can assure you they are not valuable items or take up much space.


I'm still struggling with emotionally letting go of her house but I have an offer on the table and am in the process of responding to the items in need of repair from the inspection. That is breaking my heart but I know once its done, a huge weight will be gone. I'm just tired.
amelia0607 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th January 2018, 9:57 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,784
Hi Amelia, have you visualized your life after separation and divorce from your husband? Doing that will help you to start working on the separation. I wanted to ask you as yo why you are selling your mother's house? Wouldn't it be suitable for you to move into so that you do not have to invest in a new home? Wouldn't that be a cheaper option than buying a new house/ apartment? If you want to separate you have to start working on it like yesterday. Wish you the best.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th January 2018, 9:11 PM   #20
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
My mom's house is more than I can afford. The proceeds of this will be split three ways with me only receiving 1/3. It also needs a lot of repairs that I just am not in the mindset to deal with at the moment. I have tried to visualize my life after separation and divorce and it looks very, very lonely. I have no friends. He get several phone calls every day and I never get any. He goes hunting with his friends but I have no one to do anything with. That's another thing that has kept me from leaving - I've never been alone. Living along wouldn't bother me if I had friends but since I don't, I just think my depression would completely take over.
amelia0607 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:10 AM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,784
Hi Amelia, sorry to know that you are feeling low. Do you go to church? If so I am sure there will be church groups which you can join and make friends with the lady members there. Otherwise there may be folks at your local YWCA whom you can meet up with and interact on a social basis. It seems to me that you have accepted a subordinate position for so long in relation to your husband that you have become emotionally deformed and low on self esteem. I do not know what your qualifications are and what kind of employment you have which pays poorly but you can always improve on your qualifications and get more profitable employment. I wonder how old you are? Depending on your age I am sure you could find some niche for yourself where you can do better than you currently are doing.

I would suggest that you get yourself some self help books like "You'll see it when you believe it" by Dr. Wayne Dyer and also books on visualization techniques where you start to visualize a better, brighter future for yourself and then let your subconscious mind work on it to materialize it for you. I do not think we are helpless in this world and that it is our lot to suffer unnecessarily. There is another book that will help you and that is titled "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. This book is a practical one where, if you follow the exercises in it, will help you to emerge as a new and positive version of yourself. Do not give up and wallow in self pity. Determine for your self that you deserve a better quality of life where you are in control of your circumstances and I am sure,, in time this new life will materialize for you. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 29th January 2018 at 10:14 AM..
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 8:00 PM   #22
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Amelia, sorry to know that you are feeling low. Do you go to church? If so I am sure there will be church groups which you can join and make friends with the lady members there. Otherwise there may be folks at your local YWCA whom you can meet up with and interact on a social basis. It seems to me that you have accepted a subordinate position for so long in relation to your husband that you have become emotionally deformed and low on self esteem. I do not know what your qualifications are and what kind of employment you have which pays poorly but you can always improve on your qualifications and get more profitable employment. I wonder how old you are? Depending on your age I am sure you could find some niche for yourself where you can do better than you currently are doing.

I would suggest that you get yourself some self help books like "You'll see it when you believe it" by Dr. Wayne Dyer and also books on visualization techniques where you start to visualize a better, brighter future for yourself and then let your subconscious mind work on it to materialize it for you. I do not think we are helpless in this world and that it is our lot to suffer unnecessarily. There is another book that will help you and that is titled "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. This book is a practical one where, if you follow the exercises in it, will help you to emerge as a new and positive version of yourself. Do not give up and wallow in self pity. Determine for your self that you deserve a better quality of life where you are in control of your circumstances and I am sure,, in time this new life will materialize for you. Warm wishes.

I am 57 years old and a college professor. Unfortunately, I do not have a PhD.. Combine that with the school has been struggling financially for several years now and the result is very low salary. I love what I do and since there aren't any other colleges in this area, I am going to stick it out here. I can teach online for additional income if necessary.


I do belong to a church and would love to be a part of the singles group - they are very active and all about my age. I've often thought of asking if I can join since for social outing purposes, I'm 'single' anyway. LOL!!


Thank you for the book suggestions. I will definitely give them a read.
amelia0607 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 11:02 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,784
Hi Amelia, as a college professor you are a highly qualified person worth her weight in gold. Have you ever thought of writing a book yourself? Why not try it? Also, do not hesitate to join those other ladies in your church group so that you can participate in social activities with them. It will work wonders for your self esteem and feel good mood. Can you not do a PHd at this stage of your life? Also, can you not apply to colleges in other states where you would get a better remuneration than what you ate getting at present? This would help you move out from your home and away from the toxic atmosphere that exists there. No harm in researching new opportunities. If you have a positive attitude good things will start happening. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2018, 1:51 AM   #24
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 8
Sounds rough I was married for 20 years and just left a month ago. It's feels like hell I miss him terrible but know I've made the right decision. He is handling it fine which only adds to the pain. I have 3 children. Only 2 left at home. My marriage became sexless and we grew apart. I was tired of being lonely. You can leave my advice is have your friends and family close. It's not easy. People told me that and I didn't believe them. You will be fine everything is legally half yours. Good luck. Stay strong. And remember you deserve to be happy. Doesn't seem like he gives a **** about your happiness.
Xamer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2018, 4:28 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,784
Hi Amelia, how are you doing? Among the books I recommended for you there is another which I think is tailor made for you. It is titled "Presence. Bringing your Boldest Self to your Biggest Challenges", by Amy Cuddy. She is a professor at Harvard and has also given a TED talk on the subject of her book. I think it will do you tremendous good. I would also recommend it to Midlife and others who are facing crises of their own. Just try it. You can get it on Amazon but I am sure you would find it in your college library. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 4:24 PM   #26
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Amelia, as a college professor you are a highly qualified person worth her weight in gold. Have you ever thought of writing a book yourself? Why not try it? Also, do not hesitate to join those other ladies in your church group so that you can participate in social activities with them. It will work wonders for your self esteem and feel good mood. Can you not do a PHd at this stage of your life? Also, can you not apply to colleges in other states where you would get a better remuneration than what you ate getting at present? This would help you move out from your home and away from the toxic atmosphere that exists there. No harm in researching new opportunities. If you have a positive attitude good things will start happening. Warm wishes.

I've looked into getting the PhD but its very expensive and honestly, I would have to work way too long to just pay for it. I have thought of moving to where my oldest lives and yes the salary would be more but so would the cost of living. Just don't think that's an option.
amelia0607 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 4:30 PM   #27
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Amelia, how are you doing? Among the books I recommended for you there is another which I think is tailor made for you. It is titled "Presence. Bringing your Boldest Self to your Biggest Challenges", by Amy Cuddy. She is a professor at Harvard and has also given a TED talk on the subject of her book. I think it will do you tremendous good. I would also recommend it to Midlife and others who are facing crises of their own. Just try it. You can get it on Amazon but I am sure you would find it in your college library. Warm wishes.

Thank you. I am doing a bit better. About a week ago, he actually noticed I was depressed and asked. I explained to him that since he refuses to go to counseling, I have two choices - leave and be broke and lonely or stay and be lonely and miserable. He was truly shocked when I put it to him that way. I tried to explain to him that he can just spend whatever he wants on stuff and I never say a word but I can't park my car in the garage, I can't have a pet, I can't spend money, and he basically broke a major promise to me regarding my retirement. He really didn't say much - just looked very confused. I came home a few days later and the garage is cleaned and I can now park in it.


I don't think he really gets that its not just those specific things that are depressing to me but he has made an effort so I will try discussing with him again and see where it goes. And I am reading and it is very helpful - thank you!
amelia0607 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 6:15 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 438
WOW... that is a first step.

I would now try to get him to agree to a monthly budget (on paper), where a healthy amount goes into a retirement fund. And he has to stick to the budget!!

I would also tell him that one boat is enough, sell the other four and put that money into the retirement fund, as well.

If that works, start pairing down the extra toys he no longer plays with.

Do you think that would be a good start towards repairing the financial aspect of your retirement planning??

Just my two cents...
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th February 2018, 5:28 AM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,784
Hi Amelia, great news about the garage space. It all boils down to a positive attitude. You've got to give up on the 'woe me' spirit and start making small little improvements in your mental attitude. Definitely make friends with those ladies in your church group. Also try and find friends in other social circles. Start thinking of yourself as rich and unconstrained for money and gradually your subconscious mind will start making it true for you. One thing I can advocate with certainty and that is you have to give up on fear. Fear is what keeps us held back. You know you gave your husband two options open to you and sadly, both were negative and coloured with fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of being alone or fear of being lonely. You have to discard this and learn to live without fear. I can understand concern but not fear. There is a big difference between fear and concern. Concern will help you plan on what to do to avoid putting yourself in an awkward position. Fear just paralyses you and stops you from thinking clearly and decisively. So get rid of fear.

I guess you will find yourself in a better place, you just have to start visualizing a better future for yourself. Remember, you are your own best friend so help yourself to a better life. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Separation alfie1_2 Separation and Divorce 7 10th May 2012 2:11 PM
Separation ?? jasper66 Separation and Divorce 5 9th August 2011 5:57 PM
Separation...Again! newatthis1 Separation and Divorce 1 9th June 2011 4:29 PM
Possible Separation Lady_Lucifr Separation and Divorce 7 24th February 2011 4:44 PM
Ok, not quite separation. OD3 Separation and Divorce 2 12th November 2007 7:52 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:55 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.