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I want a divorce & I feel selfish!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:57 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by simpleNfit View Post
So simplistic and so dangerous at times.

It is common knowledge that so-called Christian, traditional relationships are as loveless as those that are not. Even the bible provides terms for divorce. Studies have shown that many traditional marriages, the Leave it to Beaver-esque marriages were oftentimes facades and embroiled in lovelessness, abuse and isolation.

With that, I am a firm believer in the institution of marriage and the vows that come with them, but there are times when safety, happiness, etc. must prevail over promises that depend entirely on human nature, circumstances and dynamics that one has little or no control over. I am often sad to say, this includes guidance from a deity that seems more absent then present. Just my opinion.

IT IS NEVER THAT SIMPLE.
Your missing the point, just skip the God part then....there is still still a sworn oath and signed contract. It is up to you to make an effort to stay married. IMHO, being bored and annoyed with your spouse is an unacceptable reason to get divorced. You make it work.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 10:24 AM   #47
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1) Before you divorce her - start living and acting the way you want in this life of yours and your marriage. She can divorce YOU if she does not like the new you. Will take the guilt of being selfish off you.

2) Think very very clearly what you want being single - and realistically picture what you can achieve and what life you will have. You are an accountant so certainly you can understand the money affect of the divorce. If you have aspirations on romance and sex as a single guy - do some realistic thinking on that as well. Second marriage in the future? kids - step kids?
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Old 22nd January 2018, 2:06 PM   #48
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1) Before you divorce her - start living and acting the way you want in this life of yours and your marriage. She can divorce YOU if she does not like the new you. Will take the guilt of being selfish off you.

2) Think very very clearly what you want being single - and realistically picture what you can achieve and what life you will have. You are an accountant so certainly you can understand the money affect of the divorce. If you have aspirations on romance and sex as a single guy - do some realistic thinking on that as well. Second marriage in the future? kids - step kids?

1.) I'm not sure this is possible, tbh. But at this point, I've just accepted the guilt as part of the deal. I'm talking to my therapist and dealing with it.

2.) There's a few points here. Yes, I'm an accountant - and so is she. We're well aware of the financial impacts.

As to what I want as a single person, I am not entirely sure- besides being able to chart my own path, and do the things that I've wanted to do for years that the spouse never approved of.

I am certainly not looking to marry again- and if I do, it won't be for a long time. I can't have children- was snipped when I was 21, and frankly I've never had the desire for any.

A few people have pointed out that this just looks like a midlife crisis- and maybe it is, in a way. But I've felt like this since my 20's. I should have ended it a long time ago, but never had the courage to drive out of the rut.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 4:53 PM   #49
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Your missing the point, just skip the God part then....there is still still a sworn oath and signed contract. It is up to you to make an effort to stay married. IMHO, being bored and annoyed with your spouse is an unacceptable reason to get divorced. You make it work.
Yes, when you put it that way, yes, I agree.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:03 PM   #50
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Do the right thing! In your case, you need to decide what is the "right" thing for "you" to do for "yourself". But what I would advise you to do is do a little soul searching and digging and figure out if your unhappiness is coming from within you and not from your wife or your marriage. 'Cause if the unhappiness is coming from within you, then you leaving your wife is not going to make that go away. All you will be is continue to be a person whose unhappiness is seeping out from within him, except you will have no wife and no marriage. And I can tell you, if your wife is a good woman, a good man will pick her up for himself. If you read these forums, there are lots of stories of people in marriages and relationships with some really messed up individuals. Druggies, alcoholics, serial cheaters, serial liars.. and they are trying to figure out how to get out of them. ;-)
Read the above words a whole bunch of times, because it is absolutely spot on. Always do the right thing for you, but be very, very, sure what that "right" thing is. With marriage on the line, now is not the time to not look under every upturned stone.

If after some very deep reflection within yourself you still think it is the right thing to do, then take heed of the advice from others on how to do it. Yes, you will destroy your wife, but how long that destroyed part of her takes to heal is somewhat on your shoulders as well...
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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:45 PM   #51
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I understand where you are coming from, OP. I have a book to recommend to you. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"

When I was questioning these same things about my marriage, my counselor suggested this book. It was quite eye opening.

I did end up deciding to stay (We DO have children, and our story is not exactly the same as yours), but I found the book to be a really good one along my journey.

Good Luck...I do agree that you deserve to be happy as does your wife, and with only one life to live - you need to $!#% or get off the pot.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 2:06 AM   #52
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I've only read your opening post, but here it goes. You say you're depressed, so get to counseling and go on meds. DO marriage counseling with your wife. To throw away 18 years of marriage without even trying to fix it or to try to reconnect with your wife is a real shame. Do you remember what it was that made you fall in love with her? You two have a history. Are you truly willing to throw it all away without giving you (and her) a chance to see if things can get better?
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Old 23rd January 2018, 11:06 AM   #53
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I understand where you are coming from, OP. I have a book to recommend to you. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"

When I was questioning these same things about my marriage, my counselor suggested this book. It was quite eye opening.

I did end up deciding to stay (We DO have children, and our story is not exactly the same as yours), but I found the book to be a really good one along my journey.

Good Luck...I do agree that you deserve to be happy as does your wife, and with only one life to live - you need to $!#% or get off the pot.
Thanks for the suggestion. Just pulled it down on Audible to listen to while working today...
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Old 23rd January 2018, 10:15 PM   #54
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So from the beginning u didn't really love her very much, just jumped into this marriage after breaking up with high school sweetheart?
if so, it is understandable......

if not so, then seek counselling for remedy.
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Old 24th January 2018, 11:48 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
1.) I'm not sure this is possible, tbh. But at this point, I've just accepted the guilt as part of the deal. I'm talking to my therapist and dealing with it.

2.) There's a few points here. Yes, I'm an accountant - and so is she. We're well aware of the financial impacts.

As to what I want as a single person, I am not entirely sure- besides being able to chart my own path, and do the things that I've wanted to do for years that the spouse never approved of.

I am certainly not looking to marry again- and if I do, it won't be for a long time. I can't have children- was snipped when I was 21, and frankly I've never had the desire for any.

A few people have pointed out that this just looks like a midlife crisis- and maybe it is, in a way. But I've felt like this since my 20's. I should have ended it a long time ago, but never had the courage to drive out of the rut.


I totally understand your entire dilemma! I applaud you for being honest and trying to understand your guilt behind wanting a divorce. Sometimes the reasons when we are younger that drive us to marry a particular person change with time and growth. We may realize that we are opposites in too many ways and that the connection isn't really there but we are programmed or it's just a part of our personality to not hurt others.
Why is it that divorce is so frowned upon? It's painful, it's sad and scary but it's rare that people marry and except and hold onto the same person for their entire lives.
It isn't an easy decision to hurt someone we care about. You can try and try and stay and still feel lonely and want out. I have been trying for at least the last 9 years of my almost 25 year marriage to stuff my feelings of wanting a divorce. We do have children, though grown, it still pains me to break up the family.
You have ripped off the band-aide, go for it. In time you both will heal and I am hoping you find a fulfilling life in your next part of it.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:06 PM   #56
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[/B]
It isn't an easy decision to hurt someone we care about. You can try and try and stay and still feel lonely and want out. I have been trying for at least the last 9 years of my almost 25 year marriage to stuff my feelings of wanting a divorce. We do have children, though grown, it still pains me to break up the family.
It is a hard thing, and I hope you can come to a point where you can make the right decision for you.


UPDATE on my situation:
My STBX and I have been talking amicably. She still cares about me, even after I asked for a divorce...but now that she knows how I feel about things, and we've talked about how she's felt all these years, she's also in the pro-divorce camp as well.

So now it's just details. The only real wrinkles right now are that most of the liabilities are in my name, and not hers. Plus it's tax season, so finding time to pack, find an apartment, and move is going to be challenging...

I'm not feeling the guilt anymore, but I do feel sad about the whole thing. I wish I'd talked to her about all of my issues 15 years ago. That I'd had the courage to confront my feelings back then. All the regrets...
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:26 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
It is a hard thing, and I hope you can come to a point where you can make the right decision for you.


UPDATE on my situation:
My STBX and I have been talking amicably. She still cares about me, even after I asked for a divorce...but now that she knows how I feel about things, and we've talked about how she's felt all these years, she's also in the pro-divorce camp as well.

So now it's just details. The only real wrinkles right now are that most of the liabilities are in my name, and not hers. Plus it's tax season, so finding time to pack, find an apartment, and move is going to be challenging...

I'm not feeling the guilt anymore, but I do feel sad about the whole thing. I wish I'd talked to her about all of my issues 15 years ago. That I'd had the courage to confront my feelings back then. All the regrets...
It's amazing what honest communication can accomplish. As sad as it is that things are ending for you guys, it sounds like it will be for the best for both of you. Good Luck!
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Old 29th January 2018, 8:20 PM   #58
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UPDATE on my situation:

So now it's just details. The only real wrinkles right now are that most of the liabilities are in my name, and not hers. Plus it's tax season, so finding time to pack, find an apartment, and move is going to be challenging...

I'm not feeling the guilt anymore, but I do feel sad about the whole thing. I wish I'd talked to her about all of my issues 15 years ago. That I'd had the courage to confront my feelings back then. All the regrets...
If I could offer a suggestion, try to get a month to month lease on an apartment, for several reasons. First, you don't have time to fully research areas, apartments, etc. in the middle of tax time. Second your head is up in the air and committing to a one year lease may not be the best decision, at this point. Third, you don't know how all of the finances are going to shake out (liabilities in your name), you may need or want to move again after the details start to get hammered out. Worse case scenario, you are only on the hook for 30 days rent.

Moving is not that bad, just do it box by box and it gets done. Don't go crazy trying to buy all new furniture right away, just get the bare minimum. Maybe IKEA, I like their stuff because its inexpensive and I can break it down and move, easily. You may want to be nomadic after the divorce and live in different states.

Of course you are going to be sad, but that will pass. Your new life is will be yours and without "curfews"!! Think about all the new opportunities that will be at your feet. Make a list of all the adventures you want to do, but couldn't because your wife wouldn't let you because it violated your curfew.

You can't beat yourself up for past mistakes (the 15 years, you mentioned). Time has passed, but don't waste any more time. You are starting that new chapter in your life, with a brand new fresh page to write on!! You only get one life, and that one life has a limited amount of time on this Earth. Don't waste any more!!

Look I can only speak for myself, but I LOVE being single.
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Last edited by Happy Lemming; 29th January 2018 at 8:22 PM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:38 AM   #59
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I didn't read all the responses....

but wow, if I were you I would be out of there ASAP! Seriously, you have no children, both of you are financially independent... what are you waiting for?!?! Go live your life the way you want to!!!!

I am considering divorce currently so I am lurking on here, but the only thing that is making me stop and reconsider is my 2 year old son.

If he weren't in the picture, there would be no question in my mind.

Be thankful you don't have kids together, and make a clean break!
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Old 31st January 2018, 11:07 AM   #60
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I didn't read all the responses....

but wow, if I were you I would be out of there ASAP! Seriously, you have no children, both of you are financially independent... what are you waiting for?!?! Go live your life the way you want to!!!!

I am considering divorce currently so I am lurking on here, but the only thing that is making me stop and reconsider is my 2 year old son.

If he weren't in the picture, there would be no question in my mind.

Be thankful you don't have kids together, and make a clean break!

Yeah, well cowardice is a rough thing sometimes. lol.

It may be a day late and a dollar short, but at least I'm making progress now.
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