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I want a divorce & I feel selfish!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 20th January 2018, 12:21 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
I don't believe in any gods. We have one lifetime, so why suffer?
Nice attempt at dividing the point? Okay, I'll give it to you simply so it's easier. What about the rest of the oath and the signed contract?

There are some that would say it's better to live ones life with honor and integrity...still that pesky oath and contract.

Last edited by standtall; 20th January 2018 at 12:27 PM..
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:03 PM   #32
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Nice attempt at dividing the point? Okay, I'll give it to you simply so it's easier. What about the rest of the oath and the signed contract?

There are some that would say it's better to live ones life with honor and integrity...still that pesky oath and contract.
Honor has no place in our society, contracts can be broken, and oaths can be set aside. People change man.

[]

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Old 20th January 2018, 1:06 PM   #33
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Honor has no place in our society
What do you mean by this?
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Old 20th January 2018, 2:08 PM   #34
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What do you mean by this?
Egalitarianism and honor cannot coexist; Honor cannot exist in a society that allows anonymity; and Honor cannot exist when one no longer cares about shame.

Our society not only lacks a code of honor, but actively exploits those that try to live by one.
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Old 20th January 2018, 2:22 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Egalitarianism and honor cannot coexist;
Why not?
Quote:
Honor cannot exist in a society that allows anonymity;
Why not?
Quote:
Honor cannot exist when one no longer cares about shame
OK, this I kinda get.

Quote:
Our society not only lacks a code of honor, but actively exploits those that try to live by one.
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Well, that's true.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st January 2018 at 10:10 AM.. Reason: Repair quote formatting and redact political commentary
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Old 20th January 2018, 2:31 PM   #36
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First. Egalitarianism requires that all people be treated the same. Honor divides people into two groups- those that are honorable, and those that aren't.

The two are concepts are mutually exclusive. You cannot profess to be egalitarian while simultaneously holding some people up, and shaming others.

Secondly, anonymity is also mutually exclusive to honor. To have honor, one's deeds must be known. If you are anonymous, your deeds and misdeeds will never be known. Our society believes in a right to privacy and anonymity.

Third, the shame of dishonor must have bite if it is to mean anything at all. Since society doesn't care about your honor, being dishonorable means literally nothing.

[]

The only places where honor still exists in our society are within our Warrior Caste- the military, and to a much lesser extent, the police and investigative agencies.


...but this is way off topic.

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Old 20th January 2018, 2:35 PM   #37
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Thank you for explaining, UH. But, yes, back to the topic .
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Old 20th January 2018, 3:04 PM   #38
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I'm just glad the worst appears to be over. Decision made. No going back.

All that's left is to work out the details.
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Old 20th January 2018, 8:10 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by Mrs. Miserable View Post
Iím in a similar situation
I'll offer the other end of the spectrum to you and Nerd...I was your spouses.

My wife was always unhappy, I was a good man (flowers, never cheated, respectful, vivacious sexual appetite, blah-blah-blah) but she was always drawn away from me. I noticed this, but instead of picking my head up like a "real man" and walking away I tried EXTRA hard to make her happy... all it did was push her away more and made her realize that I was not the one for her i.e. "he is amazing to me, loves me, but I still don't want him". Which I believe led to the end of our relationship even faster.

Now the good news for all of us.. my wife leaving me was the best thing that happened to me!! I'm dating a woman now who worships the ground I walk on (and me her). I don't need to live with a woman I'm constantly trying to convince, impress, walking on eggshells, who's constantly unhappy, which also made me feel like something was wrong with me.

Might not seem like it now but you're doing both you and your STBX's a favor, they can now find someone who cares for them and desires them the way they deserve.
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Old 20th January 2018, 8:33 PM   #40
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Well, it sounds like youíve made up your mind but nothing you have said here is too difficult to sort out.

My wife was very clingy, needy, anxious, gave me curfews, etc. etc. and she worked on herself and life is SO much better.

You admit she is sweet and loving, even loving you more than you love her. You say you have been lurking around LS for a while. Have you seen the stories on here? A devote wife who loves you? Careful what you throw away.

You have yourself in a tizzy but the whole thing was preventable and is quite fixable. Your frustration is directed at her but she didnít make you bend to her will. You agreed. The entire situation is as much your doing as it is hers. You caused your own unhappiness by not setting boundaries.

You are not running away from her so much as you are attempting to run away from yourself.
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Old 20th January 2018, 8:55 PM   #41
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It's unfortunate and very sad for your wife. She has dedicated 18 years of her life to you and especially since she doesn't have children, I'd imagine that her "love" is mostly centered around you. For most women, once they have children their life's purpose gets re-centered around their children, but for childless women, it's often their lovers/partners and family/friends.

She would be devastated. No doubt about it.

But on the flip side, as you stated, you never were really in love with her. She was a rebound that lasted a whole long 18 years. So the question is for how long can you keep it up? Another 20 years? 30? 40? Your unhappiness will only grow and it's not possible for a woman to truly be happy when she is living with a man who simply can't be in love with her.

So you agreed to see a counselor. Is it individual or marriage?

Perhaps you can see the counselor and tell him your dilemma and get guidance about how to tell your wife gently to reduce the pain as best possible.

Marriage is a contract between TWO people who want to be in it together.
You don't.

No matter how much she may love you, she cannot make you love her the way she wants.

My heart breaks thinking about the pain she will feel, but what you have is not a marriage.

I am sorry.
For both of you. It is so unfortunate.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:38 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Egalitarianism and honor cannot coexist; Honor cannot exist in a society that allows anonymity; and Honor cannot exist when one no longer cares about shame.

Our society not only lacks a code of honor, but actively exploits those that try to live by one.
Speak for yourself. I try to live my life based on a honor code. You know what it is, I got it from a Rabbi once. He said, "Most people you meet in life are all good people. Its just that some people sometimes do the wrong thing even when they know what the right thing is to do. But you are not God so you can't judge them".

Anyways long story short. I live by the Spike Lee honor code. "Do the Right Thing" Thats all you need to know to understand what it is. The "right" thing and you know deep down what is the right and wrong thing to do, and its your choice which one you chose to do. But if you are decent human, you should try to lean more towards "do the right thing!" and not the wrong thing.

Now back to your marriage.

Do the right thing! In your case, you need to decide what is the "right" thing for "you" to do for "yourself". But what I would advise you to do is do a little soul searching and digging and figure out if your unhappiness is coming from within you and not from your wife or your marriage. 'Cause if the unhappiness is coming from within you, then you leaving your wife is not going to make that go away. All you will be is continue to be a person whose unhappiness is seeping out from within him, except you will have no wife and no marriage. And I can tell you, if your wife is a good woman, a good man will pick her up for himself. If you read these forums, there are lots of stories of people in marriages and relationships with some really messed up individuals. Druggies, alcoholics, serial cheaters, serial liars.. and they are trying to figure out how to get out of them. ;-)
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Old 21st January 2018, 9:42 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Honor has no place in our society, contracts can be broken, and oaths can be set aside. People change man.
[]


You asked. You have to deal with it if you don't like the answer. We all have differences of opinions,

Why bother swearing an oath and signing a contract when you have no intentions of keeping them?



I repeat..the problem lies with you. Your responses prove the point.

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Old 21st January 2018, 10:32 AM   #44
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Good morning,

Four things this morning...

1. Off-topic content. We understand topics stray sometimes but we have a political forum for discussing politics.

2. Formatting. When quoting other member's posts, please use our quote feature for each passage quoted. Do not quote the whole post and intersperse responses into the quote. This is hard to read and makes quoting of those responses difficult.

3. Language. The thread starter is on moderation for repetitive language abuse as a new member so this is a reminder to all members to read our language policies linked through an announcement at the top of every forum on LoveShack.org.

4. If wishing to debate site policies or the actions of moderation, do it privately. PM or 'alert us'. That member got banned. We don't abide that kind of behavior here.

Now back to the topic of wanting a divorce and feeling selfish about that!

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Old 21st January 2018, 11:04 AM   #45
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It's marriage...it has ups and downs. Remember the in sickness and in health part.... For better and for worse? Ring a bell? You most likely swore an oath to God and your wife in front of friends and family...honor it.
So simplistic and so dangerous at times.

It is common knowledge that so-called Christian, traditional relationships are as loveless as those that are not. Even the bible provides terms for divorce. Studies have shown that many traditional marriages, the Leave it to Beaver-esque marriages were oftentimes facades and embroiled in lovelessness, abuse and isolation.

With that, I am a firm believer in the institution of marriage and the vows that come with them, but there are times when safety, happiness, etc. must prevail over promises that depend entirely on human nature, circumstances and dynamics that one has little or no control over. I am often sad to say, this includes guidance from a deity that seems more absent then present. Just my opinion.

IT IS NEVER THAT SIMPLE.
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