Afallingparadise Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Advice from neutral third parties please. My boyfriend is still married, but separated for over a year now and planning on divorcing. It wasn't his choice, it's a very emotional topic for him. We live together now, and I'm deeply in love with him. Yesterday he admitted to me that I love him more than he loves me, and he's stuck on his ex still, probably because they've been spending a lot of time together with their son in lieu of the holidays. I thought he was leaving me, but he was really saying he wants to stay but to not fair to me because he can't give me things I want in life. We talked and cried for a long time about a lot of things. This morning we slept in and held each other but I couldn't stop crying, I love him so much but it kinda hurts that it's not reciprocated the way I thought it was. He knows she'll never take him back and he should move on and be happy with what he has now. I asked if he thinks we can make it,if he wants us to make it, and if he'll try like hell no matter what to make it, and he said yes to all 3. So we're going to a stay together, but it kinda weighs on me still that he pulled the "i love you but I'm not sure I'm in love the you" card. Did i do the right thing? Am I stupid to stay with someone who doesn't know if they can be in love with me back? Please be kind, I can't deal with rude sarcasm today, I've been crying all day... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Advice from neutral third parties please. My boyfriend is still married, but separated for over a year now and planning on divorcing. It wasn't his choice, it's a very emotional topic for him. We live together now, and I'm deeply in love with him. Yesterday he admitted to me that I love him more than he loves me, and he's stuck on his ex still, probably because they've been spending a lot of time together with their son in lieu of the holidays. I thought he was leaving me, but he was really saying he wants to stay but to not fair to me because he can't give me things I want in life. We talked and cried for a long time about a lot of things. This morning we slept in and held each other but I couldn't stop crying, I love him so much but it kinda hurts that it's not reciprocated the way I thought it was. He knows she'll never take him back and he should move on and be happy with what he has now. I asked if he thinks we can make it,if he wants us to make it, and if he'll try like hell no matter what to make it, and he said yes to all 3. So we're going to a stay together, but it kinda weighs on me still that he pulled the "i love you but I'm not sure I'm in love the you" card. Did i do the right thing? Am I stupid to stay with someone who doesn't know if they can be in love with me back? Please be kind, I can't deal with rude sarcasm today, I've been crying all day... I'm not going to use the word stupid, but.....yes. Also a very bad idea to get involved with only a "separated" man and/or stay with someone who still admits to feelings for his ex. How did you meet him? How long have you been living together? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Oh honey. You moved too fast. When this started with this guy you were a rebound: a warm body to take the place of the wife who threw him out. He sounds like a nice guy who is heartbroken & saying that he wants to try. He's not a jerk but that doesn't mean you need to settle for being 2nd best. It's up to you whether you stay knowing you will always be a space filler or you find the courage to go find somebody who loves you as much as you love him. If you pick the latter, date somebody for at least 1 full year before you even talk about cohabitation. Also don't move in with somebody unless the ink is dry on their divorce. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afallingparadise Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 We met online actually, we went on a date and spent most of the night together, it was a long weekend with no work until Tuesday so we ended up seeing each other 4 days in a row and we just sorta...happened. I've met his ex wife, and her new boyfriend, and his 4 year old son, who stays over on fridays. We've been together 7 months and my feelings for him haven't changed. In my defense, he originally told me he was divorced and after the first week he told me it wasn't final but I decided to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afallingparadise Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 I wasn't the first girl since the divorce, he did the whole sleeping around thing and then the whole casual dating thing before I came along. I'll admit we did move fast, but I tried really hard not to! The progression of events that happened from the time we met to now has been astounding. But I know in my heart he's the one for me, I have no doubt I'm up posed to be with him or I would have slowed down before... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I wasn't the first girl since the divorce, he did the whole sleeping around thing and then the whole casual dating thing before I came along. I'll admit we did move fast, but I tried really hard not to! The progression of events that happened from the time we met to now has been astounding. But I know in my heart he's the one for me, I have no doubt I'm up posed to be with him or I would have slowed down before... It sounds like he needs more time to come to this conclusion. You sound like a really great person and don't deserve to be Plan B . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afallingparadise Posted January 3, 2018 Author Share Posted January 3, 2018 I went into this fully prepared to not be first because of his child. It hurts, but I understand what needs to be done. I think I'm mad or hurt that it feels like I've been lied to? We really do love each other, he told me these things because he cares about me, but it also feels like I'm being used in some way. He said that with his ex he knew the third day they were together he wanted to marry her, and he's not sure if he can feel that way about me, only because there's still a big part of her in his heart. I did mention that I think he's sabotaging something good because he feels like he doesn't deserve it, like he's punishing himself. I also pointed out that these feelings started when his ex changed her work schedule so that they could both spend time with their son together, rather then handing him off at certain times. It's like he thinks she's going to see what they could be again and want him back, he's giving himself false hope. I am not a therapist, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 He still cares for his wife more than he cares for you. He's not your BF he's the MM - don't ever date any man until their divorce is final! You can see now why I live by this rule - they always seem to want to go back to "the known" or their comfort zone - no matter how bad she may have been. He used you. He knows it. He feels bad he used you. But the bottom line is he still loves her more. You have your answer - block him from every way of contacting you so that YOU can heal and move forward. You should be mad! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 You’re in a really tough spot. I see two possible explanations for your boyfriend’s statement about not being as in love with you as you are with him. Typically, those are break up words from a guy who is trying to break up in as gentle a fashion as possible, or trying to give you a hint so that you break up with him and he doesn’t have to do it. But, the other alternative is that he still has feelings for his wife and because of that has a guilty conscience when it comes to you and just wanted to be honest with you about it. I have a feeling in your situation that this second explanation is what is going on. The sad truth is that a lot of people in relationships are still hung up on past partners, especially if they were part of an unwilling break up. I think most people just keep that to themselves, as they probably should. My advice is for you to stick it out with your boyfriend and give him time for the feelings for his ex to subside. Yes, it doesn’t help that he still spends time with her (and that will prolong the healing process for him) but he’ll eventually move on. You’re obviously madly in love with him, so I don’t think you should just give up on him yet. Tell him you understand how he could still have feelings for his ex and that it is natural, and it doesn’t mean you love him any less or that he doesn’t also love you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 I think reality is setting in for him. You were fun. You were nice. You made things very easy for him & he didn't have to be alone. But now he's realizing that you want & deserve more then he can give. The other option is he's trying to take the high road & make himself look self sacrificing because he realizes that he wants out but it's crazy about hurting you because genuinely does think you are a nice person. Either way, I worry for you that the decision to keep this relationship rolling along is going to be taken away from you. In your place, I would prefer to be the one to walk away but then again I'm pretty prideful. If you want to stay & you think someday he can feel about you the way you care for him, stay but do so with your eyes wide open & be careful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 He's not your BF he's the MM - don't ever date any man until their divorce is final! You can see now why I live by this rule - they always seem to want to go back to "the known" or their comfort zone - no matter how bad she may have been. I don’t get the feeling that this a typical MM situation. The boyfriend and his wife are truly separated and living as divorced people in separate locations with a custody schedule. They each have long term boyfriends/girlfriends that have met each other. This seems like a case where the final divorce decree is nothing but a legal formality. Take marriage entirely out of the equation. There could always be the risk of a woman dating a man who is hung up on an ex, whether married or not. I think this is nothing more than a situation where a guy has been dumped unwillingly and hasn’t yet got over the feelings he has for his ex. That scenario can just as easily arise in a high school boyfriend/girlfriend setting as in a married/separated setting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Since he stated that his feelings for his wife are stronger than his feelings for you - the bottom line is - do you really wish to be his back burner gal? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Since he stated that his feelings for his wife are stronger than his feelings for you - the bottom line is - do you really wish to be his back burner gal? I’ll let the OP clarify this, but nothing in her posts so far have said that her boyfriend stated his feelings for his ex are stronger than his feelings for the OP. He only stated that he was “stuck on his ex still.” But that doesn’t really change the bottom line that you mentioned—she needs to decide if she can stay with him knowing that he has feelings for another woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 don't ever date any man until their divorce is final! You can see now why I live by this rule I have a friend whose rule is four YEARS! And I agree, OP should be mad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Hi FallingParadise, what was the reason for your BF and his wife for having split? Was there infidelity on either of their parts? Did they go through the routine of counselling and if so, what conclusions were drawn? I am of course assuming these matters were discussed or at least mentioned by your BF to you. Some background to his relationship and break up with his wife would be helpful. How long were they married and how old is his stbx wife and he? How old are you? I hope these questions do not cause you discomfort and if they do, please ignore them. As a rank outsider and neutral observer, I can say that this relationship is bound to cause you grief and that for your own emotional and mental tranquillity, you should detach from your BF and call off this relationship. Once he is divorced and free of his emotional baggage you can consider renewing your relationship if either one of you has no major hang ups. Warm wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I went into this fully prepared to not be first because of his child. It hurts, but I understand what needs to be done. I think I'm mad or hurt that it feels like I've been lied to? We really do love each other, he told me these things because he cares about me, but it also feels like I'm being used in some way. He said that with his ex he knew the third day they were together he wanted to marry her, and he's not sure if he can feel that way about me, only because there's still a big part of her in his heart. I did mention that I think he's sabotaging something good because he feels like he doesn't deserve it, like he's punishing himself. I also pointed out that these feelings started when his ex changed her work schedule so that they could both spend time with their son together, rather then handing him off at certain times. It's like he thinks she's going to see what they could be again and want him back, he's giving himself false hope. I am not a therapist, lol. This is not the advice you are gonna want to hear and I am sure you will not heed it and proceed with whatever you are going to do. It sounds like maybe[1] you found the right person at the wrong time. You moved too fast and allowed yourself to get tangled up emotionally with a man that is not ready to start any sort of LTR. There is not much you can do now other than ride it out and suffer. Or one of you can do the right thing and pull the plug on it before any more suffering continues. [1] Maybe or maybe not. Ask yourself honestly, would you have actually fallen for this guy if he was a guy that you met online who had been single for a while and you found him actively desperate and eager to get into a new LTR? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afallingparadise Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 Wow, I'm so surprised at the amount of support I have here thank you guys for posting! I've seen a lot of good points here. I'm was mad at first for him saying these things, but that turned more into sadness when I realized that things weren't as permanent as I'd thought. It made me realize that he could leave at any time or that I may have to leave him if things don't improve. That was such a scary foreign thought to me because I spent the past 7 months knowing he was the one. We talked it out a little more because I didn't stop crying the entire day. It's not that his feelings are stronger for her, he's just so broken from not being able to keep his family together that he doesn't know if he knows how to be in love anymore. I think if I give him some time he can figure it out, we happened so fast that I think he just got confused about his feelings. I know it's dangerous territory, but I know he's worth the risk, and I will take control of the situation if I need to. Someone asked our ages, I am about to turn 32, he is about to turn 34 and the ex is 31 so we are all in the same age range. They were married for 10 years before splitting up. I don't think it's right to talk about the reasons for the breakup, I'll just say that there was no infidelity and that it was just a toxic environment for both of them. Her leaving him made him change for the better but she's already told him several times that she's not in love with him anymore, it's definitely over and they are just friends. She wants things to work out between him and I, and he does too, that's why I'm staying with him. Part of me feels used but I think he told me out of respect and love for me, so I'm going to stay strong and I will definitely be a little more guarded. I fell in love with the person he is now. If he had been single but a different person, then things might be different. I didn't ask to be put in this situation, but I fell in love with him and the situation came with him, so I'm going to ride it out and see where life takes us. I hope I answered everyone's questions? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I wouldn't stay in such a relationship. Why do you want a man who isn't feeling it for you? You need some pride and self worth....stop wasting your time. He's trying to end it gently....you aren't getting the hint. He's only with you because she doesn't want him. Would you want a daughter of yours in this kind of relationship? Where her bf is in love with his Ex. I only read the first page... so apologies if you've decided to end it. You deserve better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Afallingparadise, Yesterday he admitted to me that I love him more than he loves me, and he's stuck on his ex still, get out of this NOW before you get any more hurt. I'm sorry x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 This is very selfish behaviour on his behalf. Your partner had no business living with you or even being with you until: a) his divorce was final, b) he'd processed the ending of his marriage and reached acceptance, and c) his heart was free to love again. Notice how it's all about him and you're the one whose suffering? I would strongly advise you to look after you and do what's best for you. Don't settle for half a relationship. He's made his position clear. Think with your head not with the grief you feel. He has other priorities. Your priority right now is you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Hi afallingParadise, you have been giver some excellent advice and opinions by folks on here. Some folks have analysed your situation fairly clinically. The evidence all points in the direction of your calling it off with your BF. The fact is that the longer you stick around with him the more you will get invested in him and the harder it will be for you if a separation becomes inevitable. As I had suggested earlier, you can wait for him to get divorced and grieve his relationship and when he has shed the majority of his emotional baggage, you can get back with him. One of the reasons I had asked about the reasons for the breakup of his previous relationship was because you should be aware of the real reasons for it. If infidelity was not a reason then what was the cause which pushed them apart. You do not have to tell us but for your own sake you must know the fundamentals of the problem between them. If your BF was so sure that his stbx wife was the right woman for him and if they were together for ten years then there has to be some very serious reason for them to have parted ways. If it had anything to do with your BF's attitude then I think you have a future problem in your relationship awaiting you. As the saying goes 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread'. Keep ghar in mind so that you avoid heart break in the future. Give this some thought. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 I went into this fully prepared to not be first because of his child. That is mistake number 2. The spouses must always put each other before children. Mistake number 1 is obvious. There are many,many unmarried men without children that will put you first. Your relationship is DOA...find another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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