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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 28th January 2018, 1:42 AM   #121
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Listen, I get you, I have been there...

I finally thru in the towel a few years back

Idk, does this mean u left her? I didn't leave mine... That's probably my biggest mental roadblock, honestly.


The point is this: You will get over it, I promise. You will come to understand that she did not love you, or love you enough, or love you the right way.

It is not about all the things you are not, it is about the person that she is.

Thanks man. I really appreciate the encouragement. Today was a bad day because I gave her space in my head and I gotta start keeping a tighter rein on that. I can't control what she does, only how I respond.

Right now, you feel scared, emasculated, unworthy, just a whole bunch of negative emotions. They won't last.

I don't, honestly... I feel worried because until I spoke to a friend I felt like I was getting old, he kinda helped me understand what I have going for me. I feel no emasculation at all, really, I know I should... I just don't. I feel like I have always known my worth, mainly because I could only ever depend on myself even from a young age. I DO feel betrayed. That's a big part of this. I feel life is unfair... that's a bigger part. Everything women seem to set as goals can be accomplished in 5 weeks, for men it takes longer. We want different things.


Just keep moving forward, and do your best to forget about her. Over time, when you really start understand what she is all about, you will not hardly think about her. It will happen.

I've had these days, few and far between. Mostly what enables them at this point (5 weeks in) is the times I consider the reality from an objective standpoint... I'm only just starting to realize my goals, all hers are behind her or becoming a race against the clock. Men and women are different animals.


My Ex stalked some of my girlfriends, and even told one of them how much she loved me??? I still throw up a little in my mouth when I think about that. She never loved me a day in her life...

Yeah, I don't know if that day will come. I'll definitely laugh when it does.
Thank you.

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Originally Posted by frigginlost View Post
Every single one of those feelings is normal. We all felt them and yes at times we still do to an extent. Her flipping from relaxed to anger is being driven by her own guilt. It's tough to see from the inside, but from the outside it's very easy to see. She is processing the end from the position of selfishness and guilt and that is not a very nice place to be. Sadly, most while in this position "cling" to the person they are with to "bury" those feelings and that position by going deeper into the honeymoon fun of "what is new". What she does not understand is that all of that is going to come crashing down around her as reality starts to set back in.

Why does understanding this (and I DO) not help? I wish I could gain the benefit from it. All it does is make me feel bad for her and concerned... (she is, after all, my wife...

You *are* all those good things that your friend has told you, but your self-esteem has been obliterated and ironically the only person right now that can sooth that injury, is the person who did the damage; your ex.

God, that is profound... I mean that. It really has stuck with me since I read it. I'm only just now responding, but I read it soon after you posted.


The hardest thing in the world you will do is the rebuilding of that self-esteem and understanding that it was truly not you who killed the relationship, it was her. Sadly it is also the longest wait as time marches forward before you truly start to feel that way.

Time is a B***H these days! Every week I think to myself on Friday: "Man, it's been like 6 weeks..." only to realize it's 5 weeks. Time is DRAGGING by. I'm keeping busy, I'm taking on new responsibilities, I'm trying my damndest to get more involved with -everything-, it just doesn't seem to help at all.
I appreciate these kind words...

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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
Your wife talking about sympathy, only beause she thinks (probably got an advice) that her previous reply pissed upi off, wich will further postpond the divorce progress. Everything she does or says serves only her interest. Sometimes she makes mistakes, but as you can see, she doesn't care to "regret her words" as long as this will serve her interest.

RIGHT! That was my initial response... She's just aware that rushing me has never gotten her anything in the past, and so she changed tact.


I think you're doing fine, not to cooperate with her "fighting mode", and not with her pushing you to hurry. You start doing things for your best interest. This is good. Just continue with what you do. Don't commit to anything. Don't promise anything.

Yeah, I'm not going to make any commitments or promises to her. When I'm ready I will tell her I'm ready and we will go then... end of story. I'm almost there because of new developments today.


When you're ready, even if it take a long time, you can send your own papers for her to sign. Who says she is the one to set the papers?

Maybe... I doubt I will. I'm sure her terms are "standard" and we have no assets to argue over. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her so I do want to read... but I have no interest in helping her at all.

UPDATE:


Today, she had planned to go to a concert, one of my friends informed me that she was going. The tickets had been sold out for MONTHS. I now have the proof I needed that she was lying to me. She then unfriended the guy who informed me after I told her "Just seems like you've been lying for months and now every time we talk you make it out like I'm angry or begging... I need a break from it. I will contact you.".

I think it is possible she got them at a reseller, craigslist, etc... it just seems unlikely after she went and removed that guy, basically admitting guilt. They were somewhat close as he's my lifelong friend and she was with me for 10 years.

I spoke to a friend from church on the phone today, he told me that she is about to hit a wall in life, I'm just getting started. Men do best from 30-45 and women do their best from 18-30. This is about what I figured but to hear it from someone without coaxing was just what I needed.

I really thought I had like, 5 years, tops. That's not much time to sort out my head and my life. I wanna see my son graduate, I wanna learn to love myself. I'm sick of always being so wrapped up in a woman. It's wearing on me terribly.

He's told me that I can definitely attract a higher quality of woman than she can a man. I feel like he is right. I have a lot going for me and I'm all the things that women say that matter to them. Smart, funny, experienced, handy, passionate and kind.

I'm feeling good at the end of the day and that is AWESOME.
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:40 AM   #122
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I didn't respond... now two days later (literally as I am typing this...) she responded with: "Hey. I'm sorry if I've been pushy. I'm just realizing I have been pretty unsympathetic to you. Take your time. Let me know when you're ready."
Oh man, she got a lawyer. The lawyer probably advised her to speak to you more calmly and not make things worse.. Do you have lawyer? If not, please do so before you sign anything!! Sadly I have a bad feeling about this..
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:52 AM   #123
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I think it is possible she got them at a reseller, craigslist, etc... it just seems unlikely after she went and removed that guy, basically admitting guilt. They were somewhat close as he's my lifelong friend and she was with me for 10 years.
Yes, it's entirely possible she got them from Craigslist or a ticket reseller. And it's perfectly understandable that she's unfriended your mate because of him being a snitch. *Especially* if she got the tickets innocently and due to his snitching she then received your anger having done nothing wrong.
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:37 AM   #124
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Hi basil, the OP's stbx wife does not seem to be the kind who does things innocently. Everything she has done so far has been carefully thought out and planned in advance. I really feel sorry for the OP because his stbxw is showing him exactly what kind of person she is but he is just refusing to see it. She is like a leopard which will not change it's spots. By keeping her in his mind space he is in fact harming himself. From everything that he has written she seems to have moved eons away from him and the marriage. Miracles do happen and it will take a miracle to recover his marriage. Best wishes.
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:11 AM   #125
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I assure you this is correct...

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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
He's told me that I can definitely attract a higher quality of woman than she can a man. I feel like he is right. I have a lot going for me and I'm all the things that women say that matter to them. Smart, funny, experienced, handy, passionate and kind.

I'm feeling good at the end of the day and that is AWESOME.
This is basically a given. I have been with so many wonderful women over the past several years.

It really is like shooting fish in a barrel. I know I have been a little Sl**** but I really had a lot of fun.

And for now, my newest GF is the most wonderful woman that I have ever been with. Beautiful, Sexy, NOT CRAZY at all, loving, affectionate, she is just the whole package.

And while the sex is constant and wonderful, she loves me just as much for my other qualities, which make me love her all the more.

This stage of life is better then I ever thought it could be...
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Old 28th January 2018, 6:45 PM   #126
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Oh man, she got a lawyer. The lawyer probably advised her to speak to you more calmly and not make things worse.. Do you have lawyer? If not, please do so before you sign anything!! Sadly I have a bad feeling about this..
Mmm, I don't know about the lawyer. She needed one to get the papers. Beyond that I've told her thousands of times that rushing me is counterproductive.

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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Yes, it's entirely possible she got them from Craigslist or a ticket reseller. And it's perfectly understandable that she's unfriended your mate because of him being a snitch. *Especially* if she got the tickets innocently and due to his snitching she then received your anger having done nothing wrong.
I am glad she did honestly... I'm sick of him telling me things and have asked him to stop lol. He really does think he's being helpful.

I didn't say anything angry. She may have interpreted it that way (just as you seem to have done.) But honestly, I want to distance myself from the anger/anxiety I feel for her each and every time we speak.

I really can't stress this enough. I have not acted angry toward her in the entire separation/divorce. I'm just sick of hearing from her every 3 days. My entire life is now punctuated by her messages. She should understand that and if not, then I've done my best in every way to prevent it.

In the end, she can have it her way, lol. I'm done trying to convince her.

Thanks for the response. It does shed some light.

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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi basil, the OP's stbx wife does not seem to be the kind who does things innocently. Everything she has done so far has been carefully thought out and planned in advance. I really feel sorry for the OP because his stbxw is showing him exactly what kind of person she is but he is just refusing to see it. She is like a leopard which will not change it's spots. By keeping her in his mind space he is in fact harming himself. From everything that he has written she seems to have moved eons away from him and the marriage. Miracles do happen and it will take a miracle to recover his marriage. Best wishes.
THIS^

I let her in my head too much on all this. People like yourself who have followed my thread can obviously see it. She ****ed my head up on the way out and now she's trying to make it a trend. I'm going to contact her this week, read the papers and if everything is as innocent and clear-cut as she said it would be then I will get it over with as soon as possible.

Even after all this, I still feel like we should not burn our bridge, regardless of how hard she has tried. I know we were good together and maybe after a time we could be again. But that's the key word here... time.

It ain't gonna be tomorrow, I can tell you that.

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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
This is basically a given. I have been with so many wonderful women over the past several years.

It really is like shooting fish in a barrel. I know I have been a little Sl**** but I really had a lot of fun.

And for now, my newest GF is the most wonderful woman that I have ever been with. Beautiful, Sexy, NOT CRAZY at all, loving, affectionate, she is just the whole package.

And while the sex is constant and wonderful, she loves me just as much for my other qualities, which make me love her all the more.

This stage of life is better then I ever thought it could be...
I'm really glad to hear it. I felt like the clock was ticking for me, but then I got to thinking... that's because I want kids with HER, HER clock is ticking, not mine.

Basically I'm of two minds on everything and one of those is dying slowly. The one that cares what happens to her. She can go and become a single mother for all I care. Single dads have it WAY better than single moms.

I'm getting it, slowly.

I'll be fine. I just am in the worse position right now. Everything she wants can be bought in a few months while the things I want will take longer to get but be more worth it in the end. I can handle that. It's just that this stage sucks... I get it now.

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Old 28th January 2018, 11:42 PM   #127
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Hi basil, the OP's stbx wife does not seem to be the kind who does things innocently. Everything she has done so far has been carefully thought out and planned in advance. I really feel sorry for the OP because his stbxw is showing him exactly what kind of person she is but he is just refusing to see it. She is like a leopard which will not change it's spots. By keeping her in his mind space he is in fact harming himself. From everything that he has written she seems to have moved eons away from him and the marriage. Miracles do happen and it will take a miracle to recover his marriage. Best wishes.
Just a Guy, in the OP's first post he makes no bones about having been an unpleasant partner when they were together. It's no surprise that she moved out and on fairly quickly - she would have had one foot out the door, for quite some time. And now she's gone, she'd free and enjoying herself.
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Old 29th January 2018, 12:15 AM   #128
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Hi basil, you may be right but then the fact remains that she stuck by him for ten years inspite of his toxic behaviour. I agree that it could have been a death of the marriage by slow degrees at her end. However, some of the other things he posted about her actions seem to indicate otherwise.

Whatever the case may be she seems to be a lady who knows her mind well and she wants to be on top of things all the time. That includes him. She seems to be a manipulator and I think, when she felt that she was losing control, she decided to move out. I may be wrong in my assessment and quite frankly, we are not intimately involved with the OP and his life to be able to make an absolutely objective assessment of his situation. We can only go by what he has presented here. What you say may be entirely correct but I guess the overall situation and it's outcome now rests with the OP and his perception of things. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 29th January 2018 at 12:18 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 12:36 AM   #129
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Just a Guy, in the OP's first post he makes no bones about having been an unpleasant partner when they were together. It's no surprise that she moved out and on fairly quickly - she would have had one foot out the door, for quite some time. And now she's gone, she'd free and enjoying herself.
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi basil, you may be right but then the fact remains that she stuck by him for ten years inspite of his toxic behaviour. I agree that it could have been a death of the marriage by slow degrees at her end. However, some of the other things he posted about her actions seem to indicate otherwise.

Whatever the case may be she seems to be a lady who knows her mind well and she wants to be on top of things all the time. That includes him. She seems to be a manipulator and I think, when she felt that she was losing control, she decided to move out. I may be wrong in my assessment and quite frankly, we are not intimately involved with the OP and his life to be able to make an absolutely objective assessment of his situation. We can only go by what he has presented here. What you say may be entirely correct but I guess the overall situation and it's outcome now rests with the OP and his perception of things. Warm wishes.
I may be able to shed some light on this for both of you. It seems to be a "chicken or the egg" situation.

Yes, I have my problems. But in my defense I am an intensely analytical person. I am always examining my behavior and philosophy. I think about the way I think more than any person I've ever met.

She may in fact be manipulative... in fact I can almost guarantee it. She is obviously a faulty person. The fact is we NEVER ARGUED.

To most people these things may sound like good things... Looking back, I realize they illuminate serious problems which I will now discuss briefly.

Her inability to discuss anything - leading to a complete lack of communication: Over the years I set many goals, both short term and long term, all of these were dashed by her. I can count up to ten in my head that would be significant setbacks for me. Eventually this led to my inability to set goals - at all.

My constant analysis of myself - may have led me to become extremely anxious when I realized that I couldn't set or even have goals in our marriage.

In the end it boiled down to one thing. A complete breakdown in communication. This is highlighted by the fact that she is so anti-confrontational (I chose anti- intentionally, because non doesn't do it justice...) that she refuses to speak to me at all. These issues could easily be worked out.

It has occurred to me that I was well on my way to solving all of our practical problems by the time she had this planned. In fact... I'm a month ahead on bills with only one income. I've improved my phsyical condition considerably. I've gotten my son into a school that doesn't require my constant attention. I've been working since October last year, at a job I enjoy that doesn't crush my soul.

Despite all of this she said "not enough". I truly do believe that she left out of completely selfish reasons and nothing I could have done would change her decision either before or after she left.

There is nothing I could have done to change her mind about leaving because the moment I tried to discuss it, the conversation turned from "I'm going out with my friend - Girlname" to "This isn't working."

Literally here is the conversation:
-I make plans with a friend to bring his kids over for xmas gathering saturday- "Alright man, sounds good, I'm gonna get off here and chill with Wife"
"So, what you wanna do tonight?"
"I think I'm gonna go out with Girlname for a few hours"
"That sounds cool, but hey, we've been arguing a lot, is there any way we could hash this out before you go? That way we could just enjoy ourselves."
"This isn't working"-She gets up and begins packing a bag-
3 minutes later she was outside and gone with some dude.

She intended to go cheat and come back, she wasn't going out with friends. Her friend Girlname even posted a pic of them that had been taken previously to cover her tracks. This was her plan, to begin leaving to cheat and not tell me. For whatever reason.

When I began being good about things, she blew up and made it all my fault.

She's a faulty person. I don't need her. I need someone that will tell me what's wrong and work together to fix the problem. Not a complete pushover who cannot represent her own interests, and instead resorts to cheating and lying, then running from her problems.

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Old 29th January 2018, 5:03 AM   #130
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Hi stoic, seems like you've got things under control. Also, you have been able to see through your stbx wife's game plan. I guess you will be able to figure out your future course of action quite successfully. Just keep working at it. Warm wishes.
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:24 AM   #131
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Every single one of those feelings is normal. We all felt them and yes at times we still do to an extent. Her flipping from relaxed to anger is being driven by her own guilt. It's tough to see from the inside, but from the outside it's very easy to see. She is processing the end from the position of selfishness and guilt and that is not a very nice place to be. Sadly, most while in this position "cling" to the person they are with to "bury" those feelings and that position by going deeper into the honeymoon fun of "what is new". What she does not understand is that all of that is going to come crashing down around her as reality starts to set back in.

Why does understanding this (and I DO) not help? I wish I could gain the benefit from it. All it does is make me feel bad for her and concerned... (she is, after all, my wife...

Hehehe, because my friend, you're a good man that loves/loved his wife. When I went through my divorce and found out that a new guy was in the picture very soon afterword, I had the same feelings you have. I was told that "it won't last, it's too soon, she's trying to fill a void, and she's going to hate what she did when it all crashes". In return I reacted the same way you are. I felt concerned. I didn't want her to get hurt and it did nothing to sooth my pain. But as time wore on (and it moves so very slow) I started to understand that all of this was a decision she made. Man was that so very hard to swallow. I was no longer part of her life. After nearly 20 years of us making decisions together based on doing what is best for both of us, my opinions and feelings now meant nothing. She was going to do whatever she wanted mistakes and all. That is a very, very, hard pill to swallow for a husband that loved his wife.

The hardest thing in the world you will do is the rebuilding of that self-esteem and understanding that it was truly not you who killed the relationship, it was her. Sadly it is also the longest wait as time marches forward before you truly start to feel that way.

Time is a B***H these days! Every week I think to myself on Friday: "Man, it's been like 6 weeks..." only to realize it's 5 weeks. Time is DRAGGING by. I'm keeping busy, I'm taking on new responsibilities, I'm trying my damndest to get more involved with -everything-, it just doesn't seem to help at all.

You are so very correct. I remember thinking "wow, it's been 6 months since the divorce" only to realize it had only been 3. Time seems to absolutely stop when the brain is trying to process hurt. It's absolutely brutal. Like yourself, I'm highly analytical and I thought something was very wrong with me because I had all these feelings I could not shake. What I realized a year and a half down the road was that it was the brains coping mechanism and that in fact all the memories and unanswered questions I lost sleep over was the brain healing the hurt. You will hear it a lot on these boards to not bury feelings. To let them out. To feel them. Do so. It is so very, very important to do that.



UPDATE:


Today, she had planned to go to a concert, one of my friends informed me that she was going. The tickets had been sold out for MONTHS. I now have the proof I needed that she was lying to me. She then unfriended the guy who informed me after I told her "Just seems like you've been lying for months and now every time we talk you make it out like I'm angry or begging... I need a break from it. I will contact you.".

I think it is possible she got them at a reseller, craigslist, etc... it just seems unlikely after she went and removed that guy, basically admitting guilt. They were somewhat close as he's my lifelong friend and she was with me for 10 years.

I spoke to a friend from church on the phone today, he told me that she is about to hit a wall in life, I'm just getting started. Men do best from 30-45 and women do their best from 18-30. This is about what I figured but to hear it from someone without coaxing was just what I needed.

I really thought I had like, 5 years, tops. That's not much time to sort out my head and my life. I wanna see my son graduate, I wanna learn to love myself. I'm sick of always being so wrapped up in a woman. It's wearing on me terribly.

He's told me that I can definitely attract a higher quality of woman than she can a man. I feel like he is right. I have a lot going for me and I'm all the things that women say that matter to them. Smart, funny, experienced, handy, passionate and kind.

I'm feeling good at the end of the day and that is AWESOME.
Great update!

In your words I read a little bit of that self-esteem rebuilding. That is great. When folks tell you that you are a good man, as hard as it is to hear it and or believe it, you need to do so.

On a more cautious tone, please do realize that with the good feelings, the bad are sure to return while you are healing. Just remember that they will pass and they will get shorter in duration as time passes by.

Keep posting!
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Old 29th January 2018, 12:06 PM   #132
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Hi stoic, seems like you've got things under control. Also, you have been able to see through your stbx wife's game plan. I guess you will be able to figure out your future course of action quite successfully. Just keep working at it. Warm wishes.
****, I wish. I'm afraid that frigginlost is kinda right about what they say below. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the subject as I reply to them.

I mean, yeah, I'm seeing her plan. I've got a plan for the future. I'm doing ok most times, just there's setbacks like last night.

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Great update!

In your words I read a little bit of that self-esteem rebuilding. That is great. When folks tell you that you are a good man, as hard as it is to hear it and or believe it, you need to do so.

On a more cautious tone, please do realize that with the good feelings, the bad are sure to return while you are healing. Just remember that they will pass and they will get shorter in duration as time passes by.

Keep posting!
I do believe it. Only because I have tried every day of my life to be that. I had a bad start and only bad examples in life. On my own at 14, into drugs, theft, etc... cleaned up at 16-17 (still used) then had my son at 18 (gave up using and started becoming what I am now.)

Thing is: yesterday was the best day I've had since she was gone. I woke up feeling good, no dreams, I went to church, it sucked (just a bad week to go, no sermon) then I left church and cruised with my son. It was awesome.

Did some shopping with him, skipped rocks at the lake, went and got drinks at 711, then went back to church for a "religion and science" meeting that was stimulating enough. I got home at 10 and he was enjoying his Youtube. He had a good night or so he said.

Then as I put him to bed he started asking about her. I became angry, I didn't mean to. I just felt discouraged I was ok with it at first but as the questions went in a circle again I started to get pissed because I wanted to come upstairs and write.

Then I came up, talked to my sister, she was able to make me feel better about my slip-up with him. These things DO happen to the best of parents...

Woke up this morning after having a dream about just holding her. That's what I miss most of all. I just want someone to be close to.

Anyway:
It is starting to seem like he really does need a relationship with her, or at least that's what I think. He has now lost two moms. One to drugs and one to infidelity. I don't want him to hate women. I don't know how I can proceed with her on this.

I need to get with her and sign papers, I need to talk to her about him. The problem is any conversation turns to argument on text and I DON'T trust myself in a phone call and MUCH LESS in person.

Not sure how to proceed, I'm sure it will come to me. I just feel messed up today, but hey, it's only been an hour so far. lol

Gonna let things sink in but I'd love to hear more thoughts on it. Thanks to everyone.

Yours in haste,
StoicHusband
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Old 29th January 2018, 12:11 PM   #133
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:11 PM   #134
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Here is the deal...

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****, I wish. I'm afraid that frigginlost is kinda right about what they say below. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the subject as I reply to them.

I mean, yeah, I'm seeing her plan. I've got a plan for the future. I'm doing ok most times, just there's setbacks like last night.

I do believe it. Only because I have tried every day of my life to be that. I had a bad start and only bad examples in life. On my own at 14, into drugs, theft, etc... cleaned up at 16-17 (still used) then had my son at 18 (gave up using and started becoming what I am now.)

Thing is: yesterday was the best day I've had since she was gone. I woke up feeling good, no dreams, I went to church, it sucked (just a bad week to go, no sermon) then I left church and cruised with my son. It was awesome.

Did some shopping with him, skipped rocks at the lake, went and got drinks at 711, then went back to church for a "religion and science" meeting that was stimulating enough. I got home at 10 and he was enjoying his Youtube. He had a good night or so he said.

Then as I put him to bed he started asking about her. I became angry, I didn't mean to. I just felt discouraged I was ok with it at first but as the questions went in a circle again I started to get pissed because I wanted to come upstairs and write.

Then I came up, talked to my sister, she was able to make me feel better about my slip-up with him. These things DO happen to the best of parents...

Woke up this morning after having a dream about just holding her. That's what I miss most of all. I just want someone to be close to.

Anyway:
It is starting to seem like he really does need a relationship with her, or at least that's what I think. He has now lost two moms. One to drugs and one to infidelity. I don't want him to hate women. I don't know how I can proceed with her on this.

I need to get with her and sign papers, I need to talk to her about him. The problem is any conversation turns to argument on text and I DON'T trust myself in a phone call and MUCH LESS in person.

Not sure how to proceed, I'm sure it will come to me. I just feel messed up today, but hey, it's only been an hour so far. lol

Gonna let things sink in but I'd love to hear more thoughts on it. Thanks to everyone.

Yours in haste,
StoicHusband
Here is the deal... you are going to have good days and bad days. And like everyone says, over time the amount of bad days become less.

But hey, you are really getting your head together. And you should be proud of that.

But please, when she crashes and burns with her new BF, please don't take her back.

When you get through all of this you are going to be so much better off, you really are not going to believe it.

That being said, as much as I don't think about my ExW, she can piss me off by just calling and asking a question.

I don't want to see her, talk to her, or even know that she exists.

You will feel that way soon...
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Old 29th January 2018, 3:02 PM   #135
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Here is the deal... you are going to have good days and bad days. And like everyone says, over time the amount of bad days become less.

I have noticed this, I'm trying to lean into it, honestly I do great until my son starts talking about it. Last night I probably made him feel bad, this morning he seems fine about it. Kids are resilient, that doesn't stop us from beating ourselves up about it tho. lol


But hey, you are really getting your head together. And you should be proud of that.

I appreciate it every time someone says this, and I really try to take it to heart. It's just that I worry I've rushed it and it's gonna bite me in the ass. As I've said before, I'm overly analytical.

It is equally possible that I have done myself a great service by taking a few of the steps I have.

1. I have stopped smoking weed totally, even tho I want to sometimes.
(This has allowed me to be clear-headed enough to know what I'm feeling and stick to the plans I make.)

2. I have accepted all the feelings I feel and been honest about them in journals (which I never kept before) and with my friends and on this forum.
(This has allowed me to experience the feelings and be done with them once I do.)


3. I have allowed myself to feel the things I feel and analyzed why I feel that way.
(This is just necessary, no two ways about it.)

4. I have taken up exercise and I never really did it much before. I may not be on par with an athlete, but what I do seems to be working. I am in the best shape of my life. My arms look awesome, everyone says so.
(Exercise helps me sleep, laugh more, feel better and it's just what everyone recommends... I always do what I'm told.)


5. I have taken up going to church, I am still an agnostic/atheist and I struggle with faith, but I've found a place that accepts me anyway.
(This has allowed me to meet new people, one of which has been in my shoes and is very analytical like myself and knows just what to say to make me feel optimistic.)


6. I have reached out to friends any time I thought I need to.
(The fact is after ten years sharing everything with someone, you're gonna feel LONELY when you can't anymore.)


But please, when she crashes and burns with her new BF, please don't take her back.

I pray that I will have the strength to make the right decision here, whatever it may be. I love my wife and I do feel like this had to happen, I just am not sure where I am on this. Thank you for the advice and it is surely something I will consider at great length.

Whatever happens, I will not be taking her back into the same place she vacated without a single thought given to the consequences. I may start over with her, but I'll never "take her back".


When you get through all of this you are going to be so much better off, you really are not going to believe it.

I am beginning to see that. I can see her flaws now. I can see that she really chose a bad time to do this for herself anyway. I can see that she wouldn't have done this without the backup guy....

Her flaws are becoming so clear. She is a faulty person. Not just that but she is showing age like crazy. Meanwhile, I look better every day. She ****ed up. No two ways about it.


That being said, as much as I don't think about my ExW, she can piss me off by just calling and asking a question.

I can understand that feeling one-hundred percent. I really can.

This is what has made me want to delay seeing her. I don't wanna exhibit any negative emotion around her and that's not something I can avoid at this point.


I don't want to see her, talk to her, or even know that she exists.

You will feel that way soon...

Here's hoping.
Thanks again for replying. Never can get enough of this. I hope to see more discussion on it because every single thought I type here brings me further from the destructive ones inside my head.
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