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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:49 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
I was afraid it might add to her rage. She actually went back to her maiden name on Facebook.

Should I tell her this morning?
Tell her what?

Ask her out to do a fun activity that you both like to do.
You this opportunity to show her that you are working on
changing by showing changes not by talking about
changes.

Then keep on trying to date her once a week to rebuild
a connection.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 7:34 AM   #47
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Why should he try to date her? Because she went back to her maiden name??

She probably did that to have no attachment to him. That's not something that someone who wants to work it out does.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 8:19 AM   #48
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
Why should he try to date her? Because she went back to her maiden name??

She probably did that to have no attachment to him. That's not something that someone who wants to work it out does.
That was my understanding too.
It is a pretty big statement.
Some won't even say they are "not in a relationship" after years in case it ruins their chances of reconciliation.

If she was chucking around the breadcrumbs, I would assume she was playing a game but as she seems resolute, has said she is done and is filing there is something deadly serious about all of this.

I very much doubt he has any chance of a "date".
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:51 PM   #49
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She's reverted back to her maiden name... shes well and truly done.

Do the parenting classes to be a better parent. Not for her to notice.

Your son came from Living with a druggie mother .... and you thought it was good to be so hard on him? Poor boy.

Your wife isn't coming back. Not with that grand statement on Facebook. She's probably taken off her wedding ring too.

Get fit..fun.. desirable and look forward to your future.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:53 AM   #50
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Hi stoic, I think amasyn, Elaine and Sandy are all right in their assessment of your wife's mindset. The sooner you accept that the better for you. I would still recommend that you work with that book I suggested. I am an old man now and I guess PST the time when I could have reaped the benefits of that book. However I am also trying to benefit from it to the extent that I can.

Sometimes when one door closed another opens. Look for the open door and walk through it. Wishful thinking about your wife is only going to hold you back from progress. Build yourself up to be the man you want to be and not the one you are. Improve 6our qualifications and get a well paying job so that you make yourself attractive to women who are looking for stability and and a strong emotional connection with their SOs' as also some material comfort. Poverty and hardship may all be very well but it is a love kill I think. Just be the best man you can be. Warm wishes.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:39 AM   #51
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For all those that say he should not bother to try
and date his wife. I will admit the odds are long
against him.

Though this is a man that wants to snatch victory
from the jaws of defeat.

Victory, in this case a slight chance of victory
has no chance of happening unless he tries.
In many football games with the clock running
out the Hail Mary pass has failed many times.

Though people still attempt that play because
the Hail Mary pass has snatched victory from the
jaws of defeat from time to time.

OP, take your best shot. Because if the Hail Mary
pass does not work for you, you will know that
you did your best.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:15 AM   #52
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It's ironic, OP, that you avoided a wage paying job for three years to avoid paying child support, yet when your son came to you, you were hardly prepared.

Perhaps your wife resents supporting you while you were working under the table only, and arguing politics on Facebook? Despite what she may have said, we women tend to have a thing about the bread winning in the family.

I'd say the build up of resentment is insurmountable. It's a case of too little, too late. You want the changes you've made in two weeks to override years of frustration. Sorry.
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Last edited by MidwestUSA; 3rd January 2018 at 9:17 AM..
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:02 AM   #53
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Hi Folks, if only someone could look into the future and advise the OP. You know, the crystal ball thing.

As road said there is the slimmest chance for the OP to get back with his wife but then miracles do happen. Stoic, you must continue to work on yourself till you have turned over a completely new leaf. For the moment just concentrate on being the best Dad for your son and keep thoughts of women out of your head. You must change for your own sake so that you are a happy man, not just in appearance but in actual fact. From everything you've written I would place you at around 29 or 30 years of age. That 8s a young enough age for you to make a completely fresh start and when you are ready in all respects, you will find the woman of your dreams or maybe, I should say, you will be the MSN of some woman's dream and things will fall into place for you. Life throws challenges at us to help us grow. This is your challenge and you have to benefit from it by growing. Warm wishes.
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Old 5th January 2018, 10:45 PM   #54
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Thanks for all the advice.

In truth, there have been new developments that changed everything about how I was thinking.

My wife encouraged me to get custody of my son. She told me to quit my job. She knew what was coming and she supported me all the way thru it. She honestly did think it was what she wanted.

Now everything was going great for us. Expensive dentist **** was taken care of. I am working a good job. I have managed to control my anxiety. I am happier, more positive and had quit the politics months ago.

In the end it wasn't about me. It's her. She was building an emotional connection with a younger guy at her job, some pothead that has no responsibility and no real goals. She set her status to "in a relationship" with the date as THE DAY SHE LEFT.

She started coming home angry because of a seared conscience and no matter what I tried to understand it this affair turned her against our family and our marriage. She's now built a wall around her heart and won't bother to talk to me. She messaged on Thursday to tell me that she's filing for divorce next week. She said "it will be uncontested, right? I don't want this to get messy, name."

She's messed up. I'm getting past it. I now understand that while, yes, there are many thing I can improve I am not the problem here. She has an issue with my son and always has. She doesn't want to work things out. She's moving on. She will never talk to me again and she's going to bottle me up with everything else she feels. I'll never see resolve.

I maintain hope, like the puppy-dog that I am. The loyal hound.

My response to her message was this:
"If you want a divorce I won't stop you. I know what your mom and sister think and I also know what they have (nothing/no one), but I wonder what your grandpa and nana would think (married 45 years). What they have is what I've always wanted and I want it with you. If you don't want that then, that's fine, but it's your decision not mine"

I am such an idiot for wanting to work it out with her at this point. I have decided to move on and I'm doing all I can to make my and my son's life better. I've given up the (occasional) weed I was smoking. I've taken up regular exercise. I'm working more. I've started looking for jobs that will offer benefits and more pay. I intend to do all the things I could never do with her around.

I want it all in this life. I want money, cars, medical care, houses, my own businesses, toys and, yes, the wife I deserve.

To anyone in a similar situation reading this: We deserve better than an unfaithful wife, regardless of our shortcomings. Marriage is about honesty and communication and if a person can't give us that then it's not a marriage at all.

This was a ten year weed-and-sex fest. I see that now. As soon as I grew up and took on more responsibility she now wants out. The moment she saw that I could actually accomplish the (important and challenging) goals that we had laid out, she wanted no part in it.

I don't deserve this. I am a good man. I have done everything the best way I could and I have done right by my son and my wife to the extent I knew how. I only smoked because I thought that's what she wanted. I have only ever done what I thought would make her happy and now I'm free to do what I know will make me a success.

One of my neighbors asked me how my holiday was, I opened up a bit. He said "that sucks, same thing happened to me". Later that week I saw him and his little boy leaving the house. They had nice clothes from head-to-toe, they jumped in the Cadillac that was idling in the parking lot of our condos. As they sped off with that racing exhaust whine... I knew. That's what I want.

I can never trust a woman to make me happy in the way I can trust that being a good provider to my son will. I'm so angry at myself for allowing weed to keep me down all my life. I'm my dad all over again and I hate myself for it.

I'm never going back to how I was. In 6 months she's going to wonder about me and when she looks to find out I want her to know she messed up. Success is the best revenge.

GOALS:
  1. I want a govt job. Failing that: I want a job with health insurance and dental.
  2. I want to be fit again, fitter than I've ever been.
  3. I want women to admire me for my successes.
  4. I want to get my son a good education, Homeschool past 5th grade is beyond my skill.
  5. I want to see him walk across a stage at graduation.
  6. I want to be free of substances that I have abused, entirely. (caffeine, weed cigarettes, sugar and all others.)
  7. I want a savings account.
  8. I want to go on a vacation (I never have, even as a kid).
  9. I want to learn how to dress better, always been a jeans and tshirt guy.
  10. I want to pay for his higher education, be it trade school or college.
  11. I want tools, guns, vehicles, property and so many other things that only money can buy.

Efforts so far:
  1. I have lost 25 pounds from the stress (I swear, I'm forcing myself to eat).
  2. I have not smoked weed, had sugar, or caffeine since she left.
  3. I have enrolled my son in a charter school with a personalized lesson plan and a teacher that has many certifications (I chose her personally).
  4. I have enlisted the help of some friends who work a govt job to build my resume and apply.
  5. I have been lifting and walking regularly.
  6. I have cut out negative influences. ( be it old friends, facebook altogether, etc)
  7. I have thrown away anything that isn't an asset (projects that won't benefit us, knicknacks, etc.)
  8. I have taken up studying code again and started a game server that people pay me to play on. (It has paid for two months hosting in 2 weeks online)
  9. I have worked more hours at the job I currently have.
  10. I have given myself hope for a better life.
  11. I have trimmed my beard, groomed more frequently.
  12. I have kept up with housework every day.
  13. I have accepted the fact that she is gone, she's not coming back.
  14. I have begun rebuilding my support circle. I ignored them all to smoke weed with her.
  15. I have already begun saving money, she was bad at spending. (pizza, bars, etc.)
  16. I have even put my cat on a diet and he's starting to me more active and lose weight.

Say whatever you want. Criticize me. I don't care. I come from generational poverty, my parents (meth dealers) didn't care about me and I was on my own at 14. I was a savage, gutter punk who grew up in the hood and I even sold drugs to get by many years ago (Before I could legally work). I am a recovered drug user and I intend to stay that way. (I gave it up when he was born)

I WANT MORE THAN THIS FOR MY SON.

I had no role model. I went to 25 public schools before I dropped out in 8th grade, yet I still graduated college with honors. I know what I'm capable of and it's time I achieved my potential. With her gone time moves very slowly, goals seem a long way from accomplished. Am I doing all I can? I think so.

Sorry for the rant. I could really use some input. Advice, criticism, suggestions, whatever.
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Old 6th January 2018, 1:52 AM   #55
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Hi stoic, I think you have an admirable set of goals for the New Year. Just stick with them through thick and thin. I think it is very good for you to be thinking so much about your son's future. Anyone one can achieve what they want if they truly want it.

As far as your wife is concerned, you are best off without her. She seems to have been a drag on you. As they say 'Good riddance to bad rubbish'! Wish you the best going forward.
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Old 6th January 2018, 9:14 AM   #56
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Hi stoic, I think you have an admirable set of goals for the New Year. Just stick with them through thick and thin. I think it is very good for you to be thinking so much about your son's future. Anyone one can achieve what they want if they truly want it.

As far as your wife is concerned, you are best off without her. She seems to have been a drag on you. As they say 'Good riddance to bad rubbish'! Wish you the best going forward.
Thanks. I'm starting to see it that way, too. She was always sulking, brooding. I'm tired of wondering what's on her mind and now that she's gone, she took my anxiety with her really.

I honestly do think that a mixture of her and the weed was causing it entirely. I always worried about her when I was at work, I never had a thought for myself. She always kept me guessing and that's not what a good wife does. I wish I hadn't spent ten years trying to hard to make her happy.

Before her I was always 15 minutes early for work, when I was with her... 5 minutes late.
Before her I did fine with money, she spent like it was going out of style.

She was never committed to this.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:37 PM   #57
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She was never committed to this.
I'm starting to have such doubts. I obviously do love my wife. I really do know we can make this work. We wouldn't have made it ten years thru tick and thin if not.

I bumped into her yesterday at the store she works at, I needed boots and had no options for where to shop. I thought it was her day off.

She looked PISSED, I just turned and walked the other way, calmly. She slinked around the corner and went outside on break.

If she's so happy, she's getting what she wants, she's made her choice... why is she so angry and unwilling to discuss? Is there any way I can get her to talk to me?

Today is our ten year anniversary and I am thinking of sending her a message. Just letting her know that she was also my best friend, etc. Let her know I remembered.

I really don't want to divorce and it's starting to look like she doesn't either. I know she expected me to crumble when this happened and I have defied expectations. Any advice would he helpful.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:48 PM   #58
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I'm starting to have such doubts. I obviously do love my wife. I really do know we can make this work. We wouldn't have made it ten years thru tick and thin if not.

I bumped into her yesterday at the store she works at, I needed boots and had no options for where to shop. I thought it was her day off.

She looked PISSED, I just turned and walked the other way, calmly. She slinked around the corner and went outside on break.

If she's so happy, she's getting what she wants, she's made her choice... why is she so angry and unwilling to discuss? Is there any way I can get her to talk to me?

Today is our ten year anniversary and I am thinking of sending her a message. Just letting her know that she was also my best friend, etc. Let her know I remembered.

I really don't want to divorce and it's starting to look like she doesn't either. I know she expected me to crumble when this happened and I have defied expectations. Any advice would he helpful.
You chase they move farther away. Better you stay NC
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Old 8th January 2018, 4:44 AM   #59
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Hi stoic, just keep moving on with your life. Live well, have fun and keep her out of your mind space. Let her chase you if she will. If not then you know she is over you completely. Next time walk into her store with another lady on your arm and ignore her. Let her feel and see that you've moved on. As the saying goes 'If you love her set her free. If it's meant to be she will return to you. If not then she was never meant for you'!

Remember your New Year resolutions. Stick with them. Change takes a little time to happen. Warm wishes.
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Old 8th January 2018, 7:33 AM   #60
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You chase they move farther away. Better you stay NC
It really depends on the person and the circumstances as to whether chasing will send them further away or bring them back.

If a person feels neglected and feels their SO does not care and they leave because they cannot stand the neglect any longer, then showing that person you are moving on, you are dating others, you are getting on with your life well without them, will NEVER get them back if that is your intention.
The only way you will get that person back is to show them you do care, to show them you are willing to chase, to show them you were wrong to neglect them.

Also it depends on the personality too, some people will retreat into a shell so when they see the other moving on, they are not fired up to get that person back, no they just accept defeat.
They are not induced to get in there, guns ablazing, no they just roll over and die.
They may love that person to bits but when they see him moving on, dating others, getting fit, they see no hope...

I also think some women are pretty romantic in their thinking, they love the fairy tale so whilst "make her jealous" may be a great ploy for Saturday night at the club, it is not such a great strategy when dealing with LTRs.
The fairy tale is about a man who adores her, she is his one and only and he will fight for her.
If they break up, he is supposed to be heart broken and will do whatever it takes to get them back together, to fix what went wrong.
I am not saying he needs to be clingy and needy as that is not good either, but he needs to steadfastly show her she is his woman and no-one else is on his radar.
IF he charges off in another direction and dates someone else to "make her jealous", then the fairy tale is ruined and she will never take him back.
The spell is broken.

Of course for some women "make her jealous" will work but you need to choose your subject very carefully, as it could all go irreparably wrong.
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