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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 30th December 2017, 4:55 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
She's not coming back. She's filing for divorce. She's done.

I'm sorry to say but it's over. Did you give her back the debit card? If not, don't. Not without speaking to a lawyer anyway.

She has checked out of the marriage. You're heading for divorce. It would probably be best to try and accept that as your reality because thinking she'll come back to you is really just a wish.
No, it was her account, at the time we got it they wouldn't let me open one, I have since opened my own.

I appreciate the input guys. I'm still interested in hearing from others who would offer advice on communication, whether I should contact her or not, etc.

Practical matters can be handled by us, but again thanks. We're not going to make this messy if it does come down to divorce. I doubt it's what she wants though, or at least I doubt it will make her happy. I value my marriage and I think she does, too. I realize this may be a wish, but it's a good wish.
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Old 30th December 2017, 4:56 PM   #32
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Your account is marital property too.

If I were you I'd start making copies of all the important documents that you have possession of right now.
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Old 30th December 2017, 4:59 PM   #33
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Your account is marital property too.
Sure, but again I doubt this will go the way you guys are picturing. We have basically nothing. We own a car that she can't drive, isn't worth hardly anything. She doesn't seem interested in screwing over me and my son or she wouldn't be paying the rent.

I think you are jumping ahead on this stuff but again, thanks.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:02 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
Sure, but again I doubt this will go the way you guys are picturing. We have basically nothing. We own a car that she can't drive, isn't worth hardly anything. She doesn't seem interested in screwing over me and my son or she wouldn't be paying the rent.

I think you are jumping ahead on this stuff but again, thanks.
You know she paid the rent or did she just tell you she was going to?

I've been in her shoes. I know what being done means and I know what saying I'm filing for divorce means too.

It means it's over.

Was there more than one debit card or did you have the only one?
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:27 PM   #35
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You know she paid the rent or did she just tell you she was going to?

I've been in her shoes. I know what being done means and I know what saying I'm filing for divorce means too.

It means it's over.

Was there more than one debit card or did you have the only one?
She wrote the check.

You've never met us. She said done when she left over jealousy early in our relationship (which resolved with me getting it under control). Divorce is something different to everyone. To some it's a break up, to others it's the end of something beautiful.

Just one card. It's really a minor issue in this, please realize we have little money/property. This isn't a major point here.

I'm really not trying to kid myself here, I'm just so uncertain because it's unlike her to -not- discuss it and then just leave without a word.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:34 PM   #36
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The fact that there's only one card is encouraging I guess since it's not like she's asking for yours back.

I don't think it's odd at all to not say a word before leaving the marriage. It means it's just not worth an effort or the energy it takes to talk about it.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:38 PM   #37
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The fact that there's only one card is encouraging I guess since it's not like she's asking for yours back.

I don't think it's odd at all to not say a word before leaving the marriage. It means it's just not worth an effort or the energy it takes to talk about it.
I don't think you understand how non-confrontational my wife can be.

It ain't over til it's over. I still have hope.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:41 PM   #38
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I don't think you understand how non-confrontational my wife can be.
Then why do you say it's odd for her to leave without saying a word?

You contradict yourself.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:48 PM   #39
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I'm really not trying to kid myself here, I'm just so uncertain because it's unlike her to -not- discuss it and then just leave without a word.
But you are well aware of why she left. She knows it it useless speaking to you, as you by your own admission "invalidate everything with logic", so what is there to discuss?

This is a common marriage problem.
Something happens.
Wife speak to husband says she is unhappy with the issue.
Husband argues getting more and more forceful till wife shuts up.
Wife is quiet.
Husband has won. Wife now agrees.
Peace restored. Case closed.
BUT wife has not agreed, she has just been bulldozed into keeping quiet. She is still unhappy and now she is angry and resentful too.

She stores up each time this happens and one day she walks out.
Husband blind-sided.
"Why didn't she talk to me?"
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:58 PM   #40
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But you are well aware of why she left. She knows it it useless speaking to you, as you by your own admission "invalidate everything with logic", so what is there to discuss?

This is a common marriage problem.
Something happens.
Wife speak to husband says she is unhappy with the issue.
Husband argues getting more and more forceful till wife shuts up.
Wife is quiet.
Husband has won. Wife now agrees.
Peace restored. Case closed.
BUT wife has not agreed, she has just been bulldozed into keeping quiet. She is still unhappy and now she is angry and resentful too.

She stores up each time this happens and one day she walks out.
Husband blind-sided.
"Why didn't she talk to me?"
I suppose you may be right. I guess only time will tell.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:36 PM   #41
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Separation is always hard.
Don't make it messy.. as you said, you guys do not have a lot of asset to fight over and even if you do..I don't suggest going over board to fight either.
Doesn't sound like she cheated on you but more that you guys are not compatible.
Give her what she needs.. if she doesn't have good memories of the marriage.. At least love her enough now and give her a good separation.
It's hard..

Be strong.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:58 AM   #42
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Still watching this thread for any advice on communication. I appreciate everything so far. I've been matching her distance, but the passage of time is killing me.

Tomorrow everything opens and I'm going to start making moves to improve my life. Any advice from someone who navigated a similar situation would be helpful.

I, honestly, can do without the divorce advice. I think we can manage that by ourselves.
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Old 1st January 2018, 10:29 AM   #43
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did you wish each other a Happy New Year last night?
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Old 1st January 2018, 1:15 PM   #44
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I was afraid it might add to her rage. She actually went back to her maiden name on Facebook.

Should I tell her this morning?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:49 AM   #45
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Sorry but I think you bucked your ideas up far too late.
She's done and there's no reason for her to wish to listen to anything you have to say - you've already said you always dismissed her so there's no reason at all for her to believe you won't do it again.
You're even dismissing how she feels throughout this thread.

Don't contact her.
Leave her be.
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