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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 4th February 2018, 3:16 AM   #166
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
That is how she interprets your words so be it! You're not doing what she is accusing you of so either ignore her attempts to manipulate you and ruin your day or add a manual smile (colon and bracket) not an actual emoticon. Hope that makes sense. It'll at least lighten words and maybe she won't take what you say and put her own spin on it.

either way you can't control her reactions, you know she is trying to mess with your head. Learn to not care what she thinks or feels. Pretend until it just happens.
I get this, and I have handled it. Thanks again to everyone for jumping on this issue, but I'd really rather the thread headed in other directions.

I have chosen to speak in phone calls where this won't happen. I'm not texting anymore. It's a really, really, really stupid form of communication.

Just look at all the trouble you guys have understanding me here if you have any doubt. (honestly) Half this thread has been me trying to keep it on-track.

I seriously do appreciate everything
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Old 5th February 2018, 1:57 PM   #167
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Whatever it took, that experience has made you invaluable to me. You may not ever realize how much so.

I don't think it'll take me 27 years, but life is funny that way, you never know. I'm making the best of all of you guys' advice. It's difficult as I'm sure you know.

I don't have much life experience. I feel like I've been in a coma for ten years. The world has changed, I'm brand new. I like it and hate it. I am just not sure where to start.



I basically own a gym, lol. Been working out, feels good. I probably need to find work, can't afford a new wardrobe, etc. I've gotten a few new things, but hey it's a start. I have no hair, I always shave my head... maybe time to grow it and get a fresh 'do.

I had to develop the strength mindset when she left. I refused to let my son see me flop. I won't breakdown. Not when he is depending on me.

I do need to focus less on her. It's just like every quiet moment she is there, in my head. I try so hard but there are so many quiet moments now it's not funny. I need more money. I think a second job would do me good. Lots to consider.

I have lifted myself up pretty well, everyone I know says so. I can't help feeling like I just have no reason tho, it's all so empty. I know I have my son, and I'm setting a good example... but I have always wanted a family. She left a big hole.

I don't even know if I want her back so much anymore, so much as I want a woman, any woman, lol. Bad tact to take... I'm gonna give it time.

No substances, no women, just me.

The irony in that, is that those are traits of healing. The lost and not knowing what comes next is a sign that your brain is signaling the "flight or fight" response. I remember those feelings vividly. They suck because you were not the one who decided to be put in a position to feel them.

Honestly, I think you're doing okay. You still have your logical side intact and that is a very good thing.

Just continue to push forward day by day and as each day passes, your focus will keep getting a little bit more clear.
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Old 5th February 2018, 2:18 PM   #168
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The irony in that, is that those are traits of healing. The lost and not knowing what comes next is a sign that your brain is signaling the "flight or fight" response. I remember those feelings vividly. They suck because you were not the one who decided to be put in a position to feel them.
This would explain why I keep feeling this nagging feeling that I have forgotten something. It's persistent and irritating.

The thought that comes to me most often is: "You just LET her leave!?" And it makes NO SENSE. She had another man on the side. She chose to walk away. She is the one who wants this, not me and I've made that clear every time we have spoken.

It's a ridiculous thought, I know that logically, but emotionally it's getting tough to deal with. I know for a fact there was nothing I could say/do that would have changed her mind once she walked out that door to get in his car. I still have these thoughts though.

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Honestly, I think you're doing okay. You still have your logical side intact and that is a very good thing.
I hope so. I keep worrying that I'm in denial, even though I force myself to move forward and create a life without her. I still find myself thinking "will if she ever comes back... we'll have to deal with X" and I catch myself and I'm like "Yeah, that ain't gon' happen".

Still though, it bothers me. I fear that something big is coming that is going to derail me. I am trying to prepare myself, but it's hard.

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Originally Posted by frigginlost View Post
Just continue to push forward day by day and as each day passes, your focus will keep getting a little bit more clear.
I see that, also. I notice that every day I have more moments where I'm just living this life. Not the life we had together, none of our old plans matter, just living the life I've laid out.


-------------------------

I appreciate your input here, for someone named frigginlost you sure have helped me find the way. And for that I can't fully express my deep gratitude.
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:38 AM   #169
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This would explain why I keep feeling this nagging feeling that I have forgotten something. It's persistent and irritating.

The thought that comes to me most often is: "You just LET her leave!?" And it makes NO SENSE. She had another man on the side. She chose to walk away. She is the one who wants this, not me and I've made that clear every time we have spoken.

It's a ridiculous thought, I know that logically, but emotionally it's getting tough to deal with. I know for a fact there was nothing I could say/do that would have changed her mind once she walked out that door to get in his car. I still have these thoughts though.
That nagging feeling is completely normal. For me, I second guessed everything and nearly every damn word we spoke in the relationship just trying to find out where the catalyst of what I did wrong was. It kept my head spinning for months. What I realized was that it was that ol' hope feeling creeping in that was causing it. The last feeling to fade away will be hope and it is also the one that hurts the most. Sometimes it is said that it is easier to lose someone through death than it is through lost love. I somewhat believe that.

Quote:
I hope so. I keep worrying that I'm in denial, even though I force myself to move forward and create a life without her. I still find myself thinking "will if she ever comes back... we'll have to deal with X" and I catch myself and I'm like "Yeah, that ain't gon' happen".

Still though, it bothers me. I fear that something big is coming that is going to derail me. I am trying to prepare myself, but it's hard.
I would not be shocked if Denial was creeping in. It's a normal process of dealing with a loss. I think in your case (as was with me) denial rides ride next to hope in the attack of your thoughts. What I did was just ride them out. You hear NC a ton on these boards. I was/am a Low Contact guy (unless abuse, or logical thought weakness is apparent) when denial would creep in or hope would show it's ugly head, I would switch to my logical side and remember that I have no control over any of it. That was tough for me because a) I'm a type "a" personality, and b) I analyze everything.

Quote:
I see that, also. I notice that every day I have more moments where I'm just living this life. Not the life we had together, none of our old plans matter, just living the life I've laid out.
And those living life moments will come and they will go. You will bounce back and forth between living and feeling lost. That's totally normal. It's frustrating, but it's normal. "It hurts to heal" was a saying I told myself often.


-------------------------

Quote:
I appreciate your input here, for someone named frigginlost you sure have helped me find the way. And for that I can't fully express my deep gratitude.
Anytime. And Thanks. My username should give a little bit of a clue on how I felt during my divorce. Me ex-wife the day after our 19 year anniversary told me she wanted a trial separation. Just under 3 months later I was fully divorced. 25 years with a woman gone in 80 days. You could say I was a little lost. We didn't speak for close to a year then one day she called. Six months later, she wanted back but I had moved on (something I *never* thought would happen). It's been close to 10 years since the divorce and we still chat occasionally.

Last edited by frigginlost; 6th February 2018 at 10:41 AM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 2:31 AM   #170
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I hope all of you are right about that. I really don't wanna go thru this again, lol.

Right now I've just gotten off work (I scored a second job a few days ago). I'm now making more money than I ever thought possible. Learning a new trade, as well.

I put my son to bed, after he had watched YouTube the entire time I was gone obviously. He came and said goodnight, then went to his bathroom with his laptop and watched more YouTube. He's totally addicted.

I've been working all ****ing day, I spent time with him and then the lied and said he's tired so he could watch more stupid videos.

Times like this are when I get so mad at her. Had she supported me at all I don't think I'd be facing these same issues (lying, etc) years later. I've got to find a way to simply block that entire website/service from my home. He can't be trusted at all. I can't stay up all night making sure he's getting sleep.

I have so many things to be thankful for right now, none of which I wanna share with her. She didn't earn them.
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Old 7th February 2018, 5:23 AM   #171
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Hey stoic,

i wanted to reply since days but i did lose access to posting with my other account.

I'm sad, i hope you are doing OK. It's going to be hard, very hard but you will do it.

I'm few month ahead of you and i'm already at the next stage. I still miss and love my wife, even with all the cheating stuff, i can do anything about that but i don't want to be with her again.

I took my time to rebuild myself from the scratch and i'm a totally new person. I'm OK with everything, finance is OK, i'm working hard for the kids and soon, when i will be ready, i'm even planning to start dating again.

I took a really good care of me too, i can really sense the depression is over.

So be brave, focus on yourself and the kid and hopefully, you will be OK soon.

For the record, my wife don't love anymore the other guys. She told me that few days ago and she even say "I miss her" , "she can't forget me" blablabla

She did see that i did make some mega major change those last months but no way i'm going to be trap so easily.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:27 AM   #172
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Just a FYI...

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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
I hope all of you are right about that. I really don't wanna go thru this again, lol.

Right now I've just gotten off work (I scored a second job a few days ago). I'm now making more money than I ever thought possible. Learning a new trade, as well.

I put my son to bed, after he had watched YouTube the entire time I was gone obviously. He came and said goodnight, then went to his bathroom with his laptop and watched more YouTube. He's totally addicted.

I've been working all ****ing day, I spent time with him and then the lied and said he's tired so he could watch more stupid videos.

Times like this are when I get so mad at her. Had she supported me at all I don't think I'd be facing these same issues (lying, etc) years later. I've got to find a way to simply block that entire website/service from my home. He can't be trusted at all. I can't stay up all night making sure he's getting sleep.

I have so many things to be thankful for right now, none of which I wanna share with her. She didn't earn them.
Take the laptop away from him at night and phone if he has one.

If he has a tv in his room, disable that. I had to do that once to one of my kids.

You have to learn to assert yourself as a parent. No argument, no yelling, no bs.... Just hand it over bucko if you cannot follow the rules.

After a few days without his toys, he will learn...
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Old 9th February 2018, 3:02 AM   #173
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Take the laptop away from him at night and phone if he has one. If he has a tv in his room, disable that. I had to do that once to one of my kids.

You have to learn to assert yourself as a parent. No argument, no yelling, no bs.... Just hand it over bucko if you cannot follow the rules.

After a few days without his toys, he will learn...
I do assert myself with him. I have taken the devices away. I will give them back at the beginning of next week. In exchange, he gets his chores back. I had taken them over during this process to keep myself busy, but now that I'm working all day, there's no point anymore.

Thanks BluesPower...

The new issue I'm facing is a "friend" that has begged me to get him on at my new job. I did so and now he bitches day in, day out. I get off and I'm driving us home and he bitches about the work, the boss, the hours. I really don't ****ing get it. I've known this guy 18 years and now he's totally pissing me off.

I just wanna be positive and he's killing my ****ing vibe. I had to tell him so tonight and he was like "That's how I felt when you would call me about her".

I wanted to ****ing kick him out of my car! He compared me wanting/needing to talk to my best friend about my divorce to me getting him a job!!!

I swear I can't help but be cynical anymore lol. On top of that I got a call about a civil suit for medical bills. It's bunk, but now I have that to deal with as well. Totally awesome. lol

I did the math tho. I now make 2x the money she makes and I'm happy as a pig in ****. Grasshopper v. ant. Right there.

Thanks guys. Keep the words of wisdom coming. I appreciate every bit.

Hope you're all well.

I still can't help but wish she could see the changes I've made, the progress, yet I am starting to feel like I wouldn't want her to have any piece of it.
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:43 AM   #174
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stoic, your friend came to you for a job because:

He did not have one or he could never get one as good as the
job you got him.

He should be happy. There must be something that is broken in him
as well. For he forgets how bad off he was before this new job. No
job is perfect. And some people have to complain. They cannot not
complain.

What is broken has kept him from getting jobs, holding them,
advancing there.

His problems do not close to being as bad as your WW affair.
Though to him his need to vent is.
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Old 12th February 2018, 3:05 AM   #175
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stoic, your friend came to you for a job because:

He did not have one or he could never get one as good as the
job you got him.

He should be happy. There must be something that is broken in him
as well. For he forgets how bad off he was before this new job. No
job is perfect. And some people have to complain. They cannot not
complain.

What is broken has kept him from getting jobs, holding them,
advancing there.

His problems do not close to being as bad as your WW affair.
Though to him his need to vent is.
Fact is, I got over this. I don't even care what he does...

My boss ****ing loves me. He likes my music, even the stuff he doesn't know. He likes how I work. He said he can tell how honest I am and how hard I work. Said every time he sees me I'm working. He wants to put me above other people already, and it's only week 1.

He gave me a 30% raise after week 1... no ****. I'm stoked as hell.

Even without the raise... all my bills are paid... I have so much extra money it isn't funny, and I went and bought me and my son new shoes, clothes, and we can finally afford to eat out and go play at the arcades as often as we like.

My wife meanwhile is living with some dude because she is a ****ing loser and begging me to take her w2 and file the taxes because she is in desperate need of the money she can't get without me. I'm laughing all the way to the bank.
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Old 12th February 2018, 3:14 AM   #176
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I still can't help but wish she could see the changes I've made, the progress
This is impossible. You need to make yourself stop thinking those thoughts and rid of all hope. The wife you married is gone and the woman before your eyes isn't the same person anymore.

She won't see you in that light, she's living with someone else. All you are is a meal ticket when she needs help. That's not love, care or respect. She will use you and manipulate you if you let her.
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Old 14th February 2018, 5:51 AM   #177
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This is impossible. You need to make yourself stop thinking those thoughts and rid of all hope.
If someone told her ten years ago that she'd feel the way she does about me now, she wouldn't believe them.

If someone told her now that she'd feel love for me again, same thing...

There is always hope. Life is tricky that way.

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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
The wife you married is gone and the woman before your eyes isn't the same person anymore.
Understood. I wouldn't want to be with that person anyway. I'm so much better without her. That being said, there are irreplaceable facets to her that I really do wish we could rediscover together.

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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
She won't see you in that light, she's living with someone else.
This is understood. I've actually said many times these exact words. Thank you. It's in my most recent comment actually.

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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
All you are is a meal ticket when she needs help. That's not love, care or respect.
She obviously doesn't respect me, or she wouldn't have lied.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
She will use you and manipulate you if you let her.
And I don't intend to let her.

---------------------------------------------------------

Just got off from a 16 hour day. Popped in to see if anyone had any positive experiences to share. I honestly DO appreciate the replies, even the bitter ones. I realize you're all just trying to help.

I don't see myself ever being as bitter as some of you are. I love my life now, I love myself, and I still love my wife (unconditionally). I just have to change the way I love her, and I have.

I'm doing really great btw, me and my boy went shopping recently, went out to eat a lot, bought ourselves some new clothes. He's been awesome, too. Does his schoolwork without being asked, washes the dishes, even puts himself to bed if I'm working super late (like tonight.)

It's so beautiful the way this has brought us together. This feels like a real family, just like I've always wanted. I can't wait til this project is done. I want to spend more time with him but I know this sacrifice is worth what it affords us.

I really appreciate everyone responding. I can't stress that enough. To anyone in a similar situation, understand no one knows where you're at better than you do. Make the best decision for yourself regardless of what others have to say.
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Old 14th February 2018, 6:35 AM   #178
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I really appreciate everyone responding. I can't stress that enough. To anyone in a similar situation, understand no one knows where you're at better than you do. Make the best decision for yourself regardless of what others have to say.
I'm glad your doing well. I made the mistake to try to talk to her few days ago and it was ... a very big one.

There will be days you will be ok. There will be days it's going to be harder. The harder days, don't broke no contact, it's pointless and bring only misery.

On the family stuff, i can understand what you are talking about. Me, my boy and my girl are very close since all this stuff happen. It's like we got each other back and this is a very nice feeling.

Good luck for the next !
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Old 16th February 2018, 1:27 AM   #179
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I'm glad your doing well. I made the mistake to try to talk to her few days ago and it was ... a very big one.

There will be days you will be ok. There will be days it's going to be harder. The harder days, don't break 'no contact', it's pointless and bring only misery.
I don't intend to. I recognize that she has lost the ability to feel attracted to me and, thus, she will not respond well to any of my communications.

Even if I said the perfect thing, in the perfect order, in the perfect way... There is no ability on her end to react to it in a way that would benefit me. I understand that quite well.

Even upon hearing how I felt and understanding it, she would only see it as self-serving, when in reality I do actually feel that this is her loss, not mine, and that she is doing severe damage to herself by moving forward with future relationships without resolving the problems within herself that make it impossible for our current relationship to work.

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Originally Posted by BrokeI View Post
On the family stuff, i can understand what you are talking about. Me, my boy and my girl are very close since all this stuff happen. It's like we got each other back and this is a very nice feeling.

Good luck for the next !
It's nice isn't it? How many positives can come out of a situation like the one we are in...

I think this is awesome and I'm making the most of it. I had the day off today, even though there was no advance notice. I have been working 16-18 hour days and not been home much. I've had to sacrifice sleep and even hygiene to spend time with my son. I've made sure to be on the phone with him as often as possible. I know this is hard for him but he seems to be taking it well. I think he's enjoying the freedom it grants him and that makes me happy as well.

Today was nice though, we went out to a buffet and pigged out. I got a nice long shower, slept a lot, we went and visited my Aunt and niece. (She's raising my sister's daughter). We just got home so I figured I'd make the rounds on the internet and sit and read for a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I still find myself wishing I could share the new-and-improved version of my life with her. It really does seem ridiculous that she would say everything she held back for a decade, then walk out once I finally understood what she needed from me as a husband.

I mean, it is truly a tragedy that now I am ready to make these deep changes, but she's gone. It's idiotic. Female logic just defies all reason, if you ask me. Not to offend half the population or anything. It's just that, as a man, I find it difficult to follow. Unless it's just a good old-fashioned grudge, in which case, simple enough. That just doesn't seem to fit.

I suppose at this point I'm writing in this forum as an open letter to myself in the future, maybe I'll look back someday at this thread and think "wow, glad I figured all that out", or "Why did I push so hard to understand what was right in front of me".

I do still hope we work it out, at least half of me does. I feel that the changes that have taken place in my attitude and drive over the past week are irreversible, and that she is partly to thank for them. I know that I put myself in the position where I could make positive use of the things that she said, and that only I chose how I would react to what happened... but in the end I probably would've just sat around and done what I always did if she didn't leave. It was the fact that my shortcomings cost me the person I love the most that made me want to do... and be... better.

The other half of me is blown away that I've made over $1000 this week. I'm shocked. I can't believe how well I'm doing without her. I know I can't keep up working like this and my boss knows it too, but if weeks like this come along every once in a while, I think I can put the money to good use. I feel like not having her to worry about is just what I needed to be good to myself and I find myself being happy with just me. I have grown in ways I never thought possible because of this.

I hope my posts aren't exceedingly long and I try to make them worth reading. I realize that I can get quite long-winded. Thanks to all those who stick with me in this thread. Your support is much-appreciated.
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Old 16th February 2018, 10:24 AM   #180
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I assume you have lost weight and hit the gym. So you have changed
in and out. And you want your WW to see this.

Contact WW saying that you had a extra good week at work an made
some good money and you are taking the kids to buy some clothes
for the kids and would she help you because she has a better eye
for clothes than you.

If she comes you do not talk about marriage. Just keep it light and
fun. Depending on the time of the day you finish shopping with a
low cost lunch, or ice cream, that keeps the "date" going giving you
more time to showcase the new you. Do not drag the "date" out.
Let is end smooth. Do not call this outing a "date". Do not ask for
another "date" at that time.

Let a week go bye. Then contact WW; had another good week and the
kids wanted to go to museum, a park. Make the park one that is an
hour away. Chat time in the car showcasing the new you. Offer to
stop for a coffee to go half way there. Have an activity planed for the
park that will take one hour. Say a hike with a book to identify trees.
Whiffle ball game. Have a lunch pre packed to take out of the car.

Shows WW that you know how to plan and execute. Now the one
hour car ride home is where you ask WW if she and the kids want to
stop for ice cream. You appear low key, but show you know how to
do things right.

You know she may turn down the invite to go clothes shopping.
That's ok. You got to show that you are doing better financially.

Keep hitting the gym and let her see the new you when you exchange
the kids.

Then try again do ask her to be involved in some family activity.
Never ask her for a "date".
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