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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 23rd December 2017, 6:51 PM   #1
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Separated, Forgot birthday

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and been separated for 10 months now, living in separate places for 8 months. We have a signed legal separation agreement for the division of assets, divorce paperwork filed and we don't talk / communicate very often. I think the last time we spoke was a month ago and I sent her a text a week ago thanking for sending me some paperwork. We are on civil terms, I can say it hasn't been a nightmare divorce yet. Anyway I got a text from her calling me an inconsiderate ******* I forgot her birthday, after all she's still my Wife. While it's true I did forget her birthday, I try to avoid thinking about her most of the time anyway, I wasn't even planning on sending her a Christmas card or texting her either.

This is new territory to me, do you send you ex or soon to be ex Birthday and Christmas cards? Am I a jerk for not remembering her Birthday, or is it unreasonable to expect someone your divorcing to send you greeting cards? Call or Text them? I could understand if we had Children together, but we don't. Is it selfish to just want to the divorce over with and move on with my life. I don't want to have to remember exwife's birthdays, and don't think I should be expected to.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:01 PM   #2
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IMO, being that you are not speaking that often and not in each others lives I don't think it would be appropriate to send a B-day card so forgetting her B-day isn't a big deal...

A Christmas card would be okay but not really necessary.. After all Christmas is the time for new beginnings.

If she was ill you would send her a get well card, she is still your wife after all but nothing should be sent with any other idea other than wishing them well..
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:02 PM   #3
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I don't think you're in the wrong here. Is getting bent out of shape about stuff pretty normal for her?
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:11 PM   #4
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I am shocked you forgot her bday. I'd love to forget my ex's bday. But I think she's crazy for acting like youre obligated to recognize it. She's really not still your wife in emotional terms while you're waiting for the divorce to become final. I think she wants you to want her and you shouldn't encourage that.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:19 PM   #5
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I don't think you're in the wrong here. Is getting bent out of shape about stuff pretty normal for her?
I think she's resentful I ended the marriage, that's she's now 50, is alone now, not what she was expecting her life to be at her age. I think I gave her more than enough opportunities to make some changes and save the Marriage, but she refused. I'm not blameless here, but I've had enough, been unhappy too long, it's time to move on.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:26 PM   #6
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Total BS you owe each other nothing. Continue on as you were
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:40 PM   #7
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Well, no two people live by the same rules, I guess. I think maybe you not acknowledging her birthday may be a sign that she's more interested in reconciliation than you are, so I really just think it's time you had the talk and told her nicely that you make a conscious effort to not think about her and hence why no card, etc. But make it clear to her that you are looking forward to the conclusion of the divorce and aren't going to reconcile so she will be able to stop wavering and just move on. Good luck. Divorce is just sad and usually unpleasant. Try to keep it civil.
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Old 24th December 2017, 12:39 AM   #8
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My exes birthday is not important to me. You owe her nothing. It's not surprising she still expects to get something out of you though. Ignore her.
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Old 24th December 2017, 1:03 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by AngryGromit View Post
I think she's resentful I ended the marriage, that's she's now 50, is alone now, not what she was expecting her life to be at her age. I think I gave her more than enough opportunities to make some changes and save the Marriage, but she refused. I'm not blameless here, but I've had enough, been unhappy too long, it's time to move on.
Let me guess, your wife cheated. You don't need to answer that, but it sounds like the selfish rambling of a cheater who is upset that you appear to be moving on with out her. It's her birthday after all, by gosh you should be all glitter and rainbows.
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Old 27th December 2017, 4:34 AM   #10
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Hi Gromit, so are there any updates? When do you expect your divorce to be final? Is your stbxw going to let things proceed amicably or has she already made it ugly? If you have a back story, then I'm sorry I have'nt read it. If you have'nt posted anything before this then some back story will help. Warm wishes.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:21 AM   #11
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Wish I can practise what I preach bro.

Sounds like you are a in better place.. let her get mad.. You don't owe her anything now.
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Old 28th December 2017, 3:02 PM   #12
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Hi Gromit, so are there any updates? When do you expect your divorce to be final?
I expect the divorce to be finalize by Feb. 2018 at the latest. Overall the divorce has been fairly painless, on the money side of things I didn't fair as well as I wanted to, but it's wasn't worth hiring a lawyer to fight over a few thousand dollars.

In the separation agreement, she got the SUV worth around 12k (just finished getting paid off), and I got the car which has a 7k loan balance. I gave her a 6k cash payment for the differences in our 401k/IRA/Pension balances, she agrees not to make any claims to them. She keeps her business, I surrender all claims it. Even though I probably spent around 25k helping her start it. We sold our house, but I had to borrow 9k from my parents to settle the mortgage lien obligation, none of which she is responsible for. Credit card debt that is in our names will stay in our names, we really never had a joint credit cards. And I agreed to kick in $750 to pay 1/2 for a lawyer to do all the paperwork. I also shouldered the full costs of paying the mortgage and house expenses after she moved out for a good 6 months til it sold, no help from her. In short, cost me roughly 30k, on the bright side of things, once the house was sold, send Sept. 1st, I was able to quickly pay off 9k in credit card debt and I paid $6,100 on the car loan. I had to take a hardship withdraw on my IRA to the tune of 30k to pay back my parents, had withheld 15k for the taxes. Starting the new year I'll have no debt, great credit, and be soon be divorced to boot. I may have to pay a few thousand when I file taxes, but I can finally save some money now. Living with my parents for 6 months till I can get a good 20 or 30k saved before I get my own apartment, while I can move out sooner, I want a nice cushion to fall back on.

The lawyer made her think that our divorce was a complicated divorce and she be better off paying him to do it than doing it ourselves. Not sure what was complicated about it, no house, no children, no alimony, and we pretty much verbally agreed to a separation agreement before she contacted him.

Last edited by AngryGromit; 28th December 2017 at 4:45 PM..
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:06 PM   #13
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Silly question, but did you send her a Christmas Card/text/email?
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:17 AM   #14
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Well seeing as she was the one who left you, cheated on you, you don't owe her a happy birthday message. The marriage is over.
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:40 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by AngryGromit View Post
I got a text from her calling me an inconsiderate ******* I forgot her birthday
There is only one thing I would respond to that. "I didn't forget".

You shouldn't actually send that of course, it would just make a fight and not achieve anything. But it's amusing to think how mad it would make her if you did.

The best thing to do is be the bigger man and completely ignore her toys-out-of-pram incident. Don't communicate with her at all, unless it is directly to do with the technicalities of the divorce.

As for your question of is it normal to send greeting cards etc. Well if you still get along with your ex and are "friends" then yes. If you don't want to remain friends (and why on earth would you, you are divorcing and have no kids) then no.
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