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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 8th December 2017, 6:33 PM   #1
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Unhappy Marriage in trouble

I am now in an open marriage. It has been open for about a month. It began at my wife's request/demand after we were separated for a year and a half. The separation lasted much longer than I had anticipated but it had some road blocks along the way.

At my return home, due to car/transportation issues she and my daughter have been staying at her mother's house. I was reluctant to agree to an open marriage but agreed upon it as a temporary thing and if that's what it took to keep us together.

My issue(s) with it are no discussion or ground rule officially set. Just a few restrictions thrown out randomly such as no one in our bedroom, use protection and no friends. The reason for no more discussion is we are on opposite side of almost everything. I want openness, honesty and full disclosure about who, when and where. She wants total privacy with no questions asked and no rules or limitations except the few random restrictions mentioned earlier.

At this point she has met a whole network of people in online dating sites. Many have been fake and pushed away. Many have been on dates with her. She averages 1-3 dates per week. She says she has not been physical (not even as little as hugs) with any of them but I'm not sure. I only get a first name if that. Minor details are given when she is done with one and that is usually a short flash of their picture.

I have been on zero date and seriously talked about going out with one person until research revealed she had to much drama for me. I want my marriage to work because I am and believe I will forever be madly in love with this woman but am afraid it is just a short and I mean really short matter of time before I lose her. Please help!
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:13 PM   #2
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I am now in an open marriage. It has been open for about a month. It began at my wife's request/demand after we were separated for a year and a half. The separation lasted much longer than I had anticipated but it had some road blocks along the way.

At my return home, due to car/transportation issues she and my daughter have been staying at her mother's house. I was reluctant to agree to an open marriage but agreed upon it as a temporary thing and if that's what it took to keep us together.

My issue(s) with it are no discussion or ground rule officially set. Just a few restrictions thrown out randomly such as no one in our bedroom, use protection and no friends. The reason for no more discussion is we are on opposite side of almost everything. I want openness, honesty and full disclosure about who, when and where. She wants total privacy with no questions asked and no rules or limitations except the few random restrictions mentioned earlier.

At this point she has met a whole network of people in online dating sites. Many have been fake and pushed away. Many have been on dates with her. She averages 1-3 dates per week. She says she has not been physical (not even as little as hugs) with any of them but I'm not sure. I only get a first name if that. Minor details are given when she is done with one and that is usually a short flash of their picture.

I have been on zero date and seriously talked about going out with one person until research revealed she had to much drama for me. I want my marriage to work because I am and believe I will forever be madly in love with this woman but am afraid it is just a short and I mean really short matter of time before I lose her. Please help!
Either she wants to fix your marriage with you or she does not. You cannot fix your marriage with her going on dates with other guys while you try to accommodate her demands doing the Pick-Me Dance.

Put your foot down and tell her this is unacceptable, either she works with you to fix this or it's over. Compromising yourself as a man as you are never works and will hurt even more for you in the end!
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:13 PM   #3
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Open marriages are a real thing that works for some people. However, your story sounds like this is the last station before divorce in a marriage that had already gone terribly wrong a long time ago.

You were separated for a long time.

She agreed to stay with you temporarily as long as she could act completely like a single person and go on dates.

Do you really think it's likely that she's going to suddenly decide "wait, I don't actually want to date, I want to be with you and only you forever"? I don't. At best, she'll decide that staying married to you is okay as long as you have no control over her life and she gets to sleep with whoever she wants, whenever she wants. More likely, she'll just date around until she finds someone she wants to be with seriously, and then she will file whether you like it or not.

Sorry to be nothing but bad news but I don't see a lot of good possibilities here.

Your problems aren't the 'open' situation, your problems are whatever led up to this, which we don't know about.
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:16 PM   #4
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I've always heard that it's much easier for women in open marriages to find partners than it is the men. I guess you've found that to be true, too. Part of the reason may be that the primary, if not only, reason you've agreed is to appease your wife. Chances are that she knows it too, and if she had any respect for you before (doubtful), she's completely lost it now.


So respect yourself. Tell her that this open marriage crap ends now, and if she's not cool with that then she knows where the door is.


As another poster here is fond of saying, if you don't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone to? If your marriage stands any chance at all, it will because you've drawn hard but reasonable boundaries and value yourself too much to be a part of this nonsense.
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:23 PM   #5
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One thing I'd like to rule out: this isn't a revenge thing, is it? Was the separation caused by any unfaithfulness on your part?
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Old 8th December 2017, 7:35 PM   #6
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Welcome to LS

My sympathies. A contentious and disconnected marriage is no picnic.

One observation as an old married, now divorced, guy: She hasn't been celibate for a year and a half.
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:04 PM   #7
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No. It may be revenge for me leaving because her favorite thing to say in response to a lot of statements is "a year and a half remember? A year and a f*#Ņing half. " However the separation was not due to unfaithfulness at all on either side. Things got pretty nasty in our marriage and she lost her temper one night and physically attacked me. When I had to fight her off (using only necessary physical force, I hate woman beaters) and she ended up on the floor in tears asking why I would throw her down I decided it was time to go. Did some counseling which didn't last long but things did improve. So I returned, to this.
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:20 PM   #8
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She did sleep with 2 people during the separation but told me about them when I asked.
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:26 PM   #9
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Again, the 'open marriage' is not the problem at all, and getting rid of that will not fix your marriage.

Your marriage is broken. You need to get out. She wants out, and it is not good for you to stay and subject yourself to this in some desperate attempt to keep your 'family' together. You are hurting yourself and you need to stop.
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:35 PM   #10
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I want my marriage to work because I am and believe I will forever be madly in love with this woman but am afraid it is just a short and I mean really short matter of time before I lose her. Please help!
Sorry, whats your question again? You have been separated for 18 months. She has slept with two people. You are now together in an open marriage and she is dating every week and you have not gone on any dates. You marriage is over. I dont think there is much else left to do than file papers and move on with life. You may be madly in love with your wife all you want, she does not sound like she is in love with you.
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:49 PM   #11
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You're trying to save a marriage that doesn't exist.

All you're doing is getting yourself played.

She's getting everything she wants at your expense. What are you getting out of it?
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Old 8th December 2017, 8:49 PM   #12
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Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately it all points in the direction my thoughts were already in. It's hard to walk away when you care and love a person so much and know by observing her body language and voice when we are together she loves me. The separation changed both of us. i have been talking to her about counseling again. i think that will be my final attempt at repair. At least that way I can walk away with my head held high and knowing I did everything in my power to keep our marriage going. Thanks again, I'm sure y'all will hear from me in the future.
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Old 8th December 2017, 9:45 PM   #13
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Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately it all points in the direction my thoughts were already in. It's hard to walk away when you care and love a person so much and know by observing her body language and voice when we are together she loves me. The separation changed both of us. i have been talking to her about counseling again. i think that will be my final attempt at repair. At least that way I can walk away with my head held high and knowing I did everything in my power to keep our marriage going. Thanks again, I'm sure y'all will hear from me in the future.
Perhaps its worth a shot to say, this open marriage thing is not working for you. ask her, does she want to drop the open marriage thing and make a serious strong concerted attempt at counseling again and commit to it for X number of months. If it doesn't work, you say your good byes.

Perhaps she will have more respect for you. I fail to see why a woman who you have given complete freedom to date and sleep with anyone she wants while you arent -- is going to have any sort of respect for you. only pity for you.
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Old 8th December 2017, 10:41 PM   #14
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Her behaviour sounds disgusting, quite frankly.

Forcing an open marriage on someone who doesn't want one, and then refusing to provide details when the other person wants full disclosure. She's a bully.

I would lay down the law. Tell her it's completely unacceptable to treat you like this, and she either needs to get serious about fixing the marriage, or it's divorce time.

I know that you love her and you want to try to save the marriage, but it seems to me only two paths are available the way things are going (1) she keeps dating (with you as a safety net) until she meets someone and then moves on, (2) this carries on indefinitely - can you really live like that?
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Old 12th December 2017, 12:17 AM   #15
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I think you still love her "you" but her on the other hand-she slept with 2 guys? I think she has attraction for others except you. Just think if there were children? I'm kinda lost why a woman or man doesn't realize they need to be faithful to their partner and marriage, and how easy it was to cheat/leave. I also think of all the work that went into the marriage and all the sudden it evaporated? Also how people don't take marriage seriously and one day decide to become a teenager again.
Lol how marriage is beautiful? And someday it becomes a monster. Why even get married in the first place?

Last edited by FastHands; 12th December 2017 at 12:21 AM..
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