How my marriage failed

[BrokeInside]

Hello everyone, first of all, sorry for my english, i'm not a native speaker so my grammar can be a little weird.

 

So i don't even know where to begin. I'm sharing with you my full story because i need to relief some pain and maybe, you will avoid the same mistake i did. This is going to be a long story so, brace yourselves

 

I did meet my other half at 16, she was 15. We did stay together, loving each other, that was a calm relationship, without fight and i always truely loved her. The only thing who was bugging me is that she never showed a deep love toward me, but she came from a family where they hide their feelings, so i was telling myself she loved me and she just don't know how to show it.

 

So after 4 years together, i proposed her, because in my head, this was the right thing to do. We are from a community who are not very tolerant with adultery and i truely believe she was my soulmate, and i still believe it.

 

I proposed her, she sayed yes and this was the beginning of the end.

Just before my wedding, ive got into a traumatic psychologic accident, i did not see it yet, but this accident did change entirely my life, after that, i was afraid by many things. At this time, i was already engaged and did not think that was a big deal. I was hoping that when we will be married, my wife will become the support i need to deal with my issues and i will do fine.

 

So we did marry, i put all my savings into an appartment, finished my degree the first year but money were running out pretty fast after a year.

 

My wife was not working and seriously i didn't care, i did not took a wife to make her work , this was not the plan, i wanted to provide for her and be a good husband.

 

So my mum offered me a work at her shop and i put all my effort into it. I was working maybe 40, sometimes way more hours a week and i was still short on money.

 

This is were thing did start to get really bad. Before married, ive got a skin dicease (psoriasis), i did manage to heal it and was totally fine when we engage. But with all the money problem, depression issues, my skin dicease did come back and take power on me.

 

After 4 years of marriage, i was very sick, running out of money, still working like a crazy dumbass and this is when my wife was pregnant.

 

My wife was not so happy but i always think this was because we didn't have children, so i did see a hope in this pregnancy. After three months of pregnancy, she fall in a deep state of fear, depression and i was very scared for her. So i tooked deep care of her, loved her, stayed by her side everynight, keep telling her everything is going to be fine, i tried everything i can to make her feel secure.

 

In the same time, i have some debt but i manage to sell at loss in urgence ( i loss 20 000 € average) my first appartment to keep provide for my family.(i was working since 16, and bought an tiny place before getting married).

 

And when my wife did deliver, we were happy and this is where i made another big mistake.

I was ill, seriously ill, the psoriasis was everywhere on me and people looked at me like a freak. So i wanted to stop to work but i can't because we still need money. I began a second job , an internet business so i did not have to face people everyday. I did developp this business during two years and was still working by day. I don't know how much hours i was working, but this was crazy.

 

My wife began pregnant for our second child and i was not here for her. I was working so much, i did not even see how much i was neglecting here. She was not happy and i was ****ing blind.

 

When my wife did deliver the second child, i hit the bottom, i cannot heal, my internet business was a failure, and i feel like a was a failure. So i stopped my second work and fortunately, my first work began to make me some real money. I began to slowly heal too and get out from the depression and i opened my eyes about how much pain ive done to her this last two years by not being here.

 

I tried to apologize to her, to my second daughter, because they needed me but i was not here cause of work. So i started to be here for my two kiddos, loss weight, working less, enjoying the time together but there was unresolved issues between me and my wife. Now i can see it, she was already disconnected emotionnaly from me and she was sometimes very cold toward me, but i did not took it seriously.

 

Even if her behavior was not totally normal, i was happy with my little unperfect family, we did some really cool anniversary for our children and after 12 years together, we still have a sex life, even if this was not crazy, talk together, played together, we were like two best friends. I was still loving her, always telling her she's a beautiful wife, but there was no communication on the thing we did not love on each other. This was not a problem to me, i loved her how she was, and i was thinking that she were like me. She was telling me too "i love you like you are". So i was feeling secure.

 

In January this year, she started university, she told me after all this year were i was working , she will graduate and start working so i can "breathe" a little. She also lost all her pregnancy weight and seriously, she was georgeous. I've always find her gorgeous, anyway, even when she was overweight after the pregnancy and told her multiple times that i don't care about her weight, i love her how she is.

 

I was happy for her, everyday, she talked to me about her class, what she was doing and i was helping her when i could. In march, i felt very sick, a tooth was killing me and i should have see there was something wrong, she didn't even care about me, but again, i was guessing she have a lot of work, stressed or anything else.

 

Few days later, she came back and don't talk to me during hours. We re going to bed, and i ask her "Did i make something wrong ?", this is when she dropped the bomb "I'm going to leave".

 

So my first question is : " is there an other guy ?" . She told me she was feeling attracted by a guy and we argue. The next day, she goes at her mother house with my little girl and i keep the boy.

 

Two days later, i told her that it's not a good thing for our kids to do that and we should work our issues out and ask her to come back to the house. She do and this is where my nightmare begins.

 

At this day, she told me "I'm no longer your wife" and "i don't love you", this was brutal. She quits her wife jobs, even her mum jobs and start to going out with friends when she wants. She was telling me that she was searching for another place and i could not do one thing to change her mind.

 

It was like i was hit by a truck, my little girl was 1, my boy 3, i have divorced parents at 6, it broke me and god, my childhood was a ****ing nightmare because of that, so i wanted to avoid it by any cost for my child.

 

So i tried to change, lost weight again, starting to take care about me, starting to show to her that she is everything to me. I tried to be comprehensive, help her at the house, taking care about the kids much, let her breathe hoping that this crisis will resolve itself and she will saw that i stilled love her deeply.

 

2 month and she find a place, i told her to take everything she wants from our house, i didn't even care. I help her to move out, with her stuff, and even if i tried everything to show her i will be a totally new husband, there was nothing to do, she left, cold as ****. In the meantime, we were still having sex and it was very cool and great. That was the only time i can see we still have some connection.

 

Next day after she left, she text me, told me she want to come back home, i'm relief, i think the crazyness is ended.

I helped her move again in our house, i still keeptrying to change, i really wanted to be another husband for her, a good one this time.

 

So she came back but fast, things were worst. She keep telling me she don't love me, she go out when she want and after few weeks,i tried to support but after few ****ty stuff she did to me, i told her i can't suffer anymore and this time, she goes to her brother.

 

Few weeks, and our kids are suffering from the situation. We are still texting each other and even find some connection. I can feel that i missed her when we see each other and i asked her to choose. Come back, work on us, try until next year, and if it don't work, we will split. If you wont, i will move on but i asked her again before she came back : is there another guys here ? And i remember adding, don't betray me. She assure me there was no one so here we go for a next round.

 

She came back, i did clean entirely the house so she can feel good, buy new stuff for our bedroom, flavor candle to make a new atmosphere in our house, keeping to try to please her.

 

There was a condition for her to came back, to not have sex for the moment but the night she came back, we did have sex and this was great. So she told me we could have sex two times a week during our "fixing" time but she was still not in love with me.

 

When she was home, we were talking a lot, having a lot of sex but she was still coming late almost everyday. Even if she told me a tons of time there was anyone else in her life, my instinct was telling me this was false. All redflag were here but i have no proof but one day, i tried a bluff and told her " i know you love another guy". What she respond " we will talk tonight".

 

Tonight came, we talked and she confessed she was seeing another guy until July (we were october at this time) but she ended it. I told her i can't see how we will fix it and she was agree but inside, i was hoping she will say she is deeply sorry and that she love me. I phone her mum, explain her the situations, told her, i want to fix things for our kids and talk to her daughter. So they talked at phone and after this, my wife told me she is sorry, she will try to fix things, she will end the other story and focus on our wedding.

 

She told me that she deeply love me, she was lost, she was not knowing what she was doing... The next day, she came into my bed the morning, crying, telling me she love me, to forgive her and we did have sex again.

 

During one week, she played the perfect wife, was here, really sorry, and i was relief, the nightmare was finished and we could work to fix our marriage. I wrote her a letter, told her, i'm going to try to fix things between us but that i need 100 % access to her stuff, she wrote me one too where she told me she love me, she never love the other guys, no sex between them, but they did go out dinner, movies, hiking, kissing ...

 

After one week of perfection, i told her i need her facebook access to regain her trust, she exploded, don't want to give me, this is her private stuff... We began another argue and she left our house and come back during the middle of the night. I was really worry, she told me she had to think, this is why she came back as late.

 

The next day, i told her to forget about the facebook stuff, but this was too late. She wanted to leave, i was trying to convince her this was not the thing to do. In the angry, i told her, " i can give this letter to the other man" and she cried. Told me " I did destroy you and now you want to destroy me". Also told me "If you told him, i can stay if you want". This was sick and she ended me when she looked at me and told me " And if i loved him much than i ever loved you".

 

So she left and the last thing i remember is my wife crying for her lover the night she left and trying to pick her letter from my hand in case i wanted to share it with the guy.

 

This night, i told her some ****ty thing too, that she was beautiful but inside, very ugly.

 

So days passed and i messaged her to told her sorry for what i said, i should have never said that and that i forgive her everything, not to come back together, but to have some closure. I can't be consumate by angryness or hate , she is still the mother of my two kiddos and i guess i still loved her deep inside of me.

 

After, I learned that her affair did not end in July, but ended when i discovered (in october) so i guess it's like 8 months with a double life.

 

Ive got my kids with me 4 days a week so i'm pretty happy, this was the most important thing for me. I loved them so much and they are keeping me up at this stage.

 

It's still very hard because i lost my love, my friend, my family, my dreams, my hopes , my trust (and almost all my money too ) and all is left is my kiddos.

 

I don't have any hate towards my ex wife, i'm confused. I really think i ve got a huge part into that. If i was more attentive, show her much affection, work less, have less issues, maybe i will still have a complete family. The only thing who angry me is why she did not told me that i need to change, maybe she tried, and i did not hear and she give up on me, this is my feeling. Today, i'm a totally new guy, but it's too late.

 

I don't take all the fault on me but i have to be honest and the fact is today, my kids will have to grow with a father and a mother, separate, and again, as a divorced child, this was not a life i wanted for them, it put a hole in your heart that you can never recover.

 

I don't blame her, it's life, it's suck but it's life. It would be easy to just say she was just a cheating bitch but life is not black and white.She was also a lovely wife who did many things for me, who supports me through my illness, she had her reasons, i can't explain, but i can't judge.

 

I'm trying to reconstruct myself from the scratch and seriously, i don't know if someday i will trust again another girl and i'm pretty sure i will never marry again. I'm feeling like i'm batman in the third movie, totally broken and in the need of some miracle to get back onto my feet .

 

I made so much mistake, but i always loved her, this was my way to show her that i loved her, sacrifice myself to provide. Everything she want, i try to give her, but i can see it now, she needed me and not all the stuff, so it was pointless to work this much.

 

I can perfectly see what whas wrong :

We were not ready and way too young to get married.

I was crushed by responsability and my illness drove me to a deep depression.

She was not ready too and without noticing, we did disconnect emotionnaly.

 

She was waiting things from me that never happened.

I was waiting things from her that never happened.

 

Kids also separate us, we were just a father and a mother for the most time but again, i was ok with it, i was telling myself they were going to grow up and we could find ourselves again after that.

 

I was ok with it, she was not and this his how everythings falls apart and our little happy "on surface" family explode.

 

Today, i live with full regret, even after one month after she move out, i can't sleep well. I often do nightmare about all this stuff, i want to do the things i never do with her, surprise her, love her. I want to take care for her, take care of everything, make her smile, take care of my family but it's too late.

 

Sometimes when i wake up, i feel that she's still there, in our bed but i'm just alone.

And the worst in of all that, is that im still deeply in love with her even with all this ****ty stuff that happened.

 

I don't know how much time it will take to heal these wounds and i don't even know is i will be able to heal those wounds.

Thank you for reading.

[ahmed8xm]

Sorry dear

 

But you are just a fool

 

That is your problem

 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy

 

Do not blame yourself.

 

She is to blame for everything

 

She is to blame for affair

 

Plzzz learn to love yourself

 

And plzzz being too nice is harmful.

 

So please read that book

 

No more Mr nice guy

[BrokeInside]

Thank you ahmed, i did read it last night and i really think ive got some issues to fix.

 

Im the kind of guy who can t say no and always want to help everyone except me and i can see it now but it divide me too because i love who i am but im realizing this is toxic for me.

 

this is still painful, i sit down and i have the feelings i lost everything and this is my fault.

I know this is not the thing to do but i cant help myself : i find every "if i did this like that ..., maybe my kids would have grown in a loving family"

 

I cannot explain this, i was the chief of family and have the feeling that i failed my part, fail my family and my kids. Seriously, i dont even know what im going to tell them when they will want to know why we divorced when they was so young.

 

Im trying to focus on myself, im getting out, meeting new people, trying to make thing right for my futur income, getting in better shape, have a better look, read a lot,but i still feel empty and cant move on.

 

The only thing who makes me happy are the kids right now.

 

The ghost are here and haunting me h24. I cant forgive myself my mistake and it s painful. And i dont know why, but i still ****ing love her despite anything she did to me and the lack of empathy. She didnt even excuse, i did just get " sorry for the pain you suffered but im not going to be sorry for falling in love".

 

Why im not the type of guy who are selfish and narcissic, if you cheat, get the **** out, it will be way easier to move on.

 

Anyway, i dont even know what answer im waiting here, i read every topic and it just seems a never ending story of pain. Im so lost right now.

[carhill]

One, you're not alone. Small comfort, perhaps, but humans who love other humans go through this sometimes. Some of us more than sometimes

 

Two, you're facing your own responsibility. Kudos to you. Introspection takes fortitude and confidence. You'll get through this.

 

I'm presuming you're still relatively young, yes? Long life still ahead. Kids grow up. Things change.

 

You have your kids four days a week? That's cool. Kids are the future. You're blessed. It might not always feel that way but when you're long down the road in life looking back my bet is you'll feel blessed that a perhaps mistaken young marriage gave you so many gifts. However, that's a long ways off. Today, hug the kids.

 

Where do you want to go from here? You're in the driver's seat. Start the engine.

 

BTW, I suffered from some similar unhealthy tendencies and Glover's book really helped. Read it too late so poof went my M many years ago. Great lessons though and no negative feelings remain about my M or exW at all. Acceptance. If you're not there yet you'll get there. Good luck!

[BrokeInside]

Thank you carhill !

 

Yeah i got the kids 4 days a week and when they are with me, i can forgot all the **** around this situation.

 

It's weird because it's the only positive thing about this separation. Before, i was working my ass everyday and even if i was here for them, i can sense the bond between us is totally different now. We go out often, eat ice cream, restaurant, play, everything that can be cool and this is great.

 

But i don't want to lie, it's terrifies me too. And if the mother want someday the full custody. And if they want to leave with her when they grow up. And if she take a place with the new guy, i will need to accept that another man is taking care of my children. Every kind of ****ty if.

 

And i need to man up too, handle kids, work, cleaning the house, food, money ... It's a totally new world ...

 

I sound so much like a crybaby, it pisses me off

[Marc878]

As long as you are affraid of everything you'll have no life.

 

Stop it.