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Hard time deciding to divorce unstable wife


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 15th December 2017, 1:32 AM   #31
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Finally had our financial meeting and she walked out after 10 minutes. After me asking politely enough whether she might be able to find ways to cut back some of her spending and suggesting we might have to sell the house to pay off the enormous debt that has accumulated, she left.

I guess that was all I needed to hear after everything. I realized once and for all we weren't getting anywhere, and we weren't going to make any progress anytime soon. Time for me to move on.

I met with an attorney for the second time, put down a deposit, filled out all my paperwork, signed them yesterday, today it was filed and a process server has been hired.

After that meeting she called several times, left numerous messages, none of which I've listened to. She even showed up at my office. I had my door locked, didn't let her in, and had to get building maintenance to escort her out,threatening to call the police on her.

After that I blocked her calls. It's been 10 days since we've spoken and I don't want to speak to her right now.

Got a call from the attorney's office that they are ready to serve her, but with no job, no regular schedule, and living on 6 acres behind a locked gate not close to the house, they are suggesting I give the process server permission to enter the property. I told them I'd sleep on it and get back to them. I've got some concerns:

First, I haven't told her I've filed and having her served. Feeling guilt around not telling her first, but not sure why I would given her unstable behavior. Plus, it gives her further reason to avoid getting served.

Two, If she sees a strange man coming onto property without her permission, living out in the middle of nowhere, she's going to be both suspicious and scared, and probably won't answer the door anyway for that reason alone. She may even call the police.

Three. She has two dogs. They're small but protective. I'm a little concerned something dramatic can happen and the dogs can end up being harmed, which I would hate.

The alternative, I've been told is for the server to wait outside the gate until she leaves the house - at $80/hr. She may not leave the house that day or a couple of days. This could get expensive fast.

Again, there's the not telling her first. I've read that it's the surest way to have a very nasty divorce. And it feels cruel... but unwise, considering everything, and it's likely the case is going to be hostile anyway, at least from her side regardless of what I do.

Any suggestions appreciated.

Last edited by Soundman; 15th December 2017 at 1:35 AM..
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Old 15th December 2017, 2:23 AM   #32
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Tell her what's coming and get it done.

Or continue to live as you have.
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Old 15th December 2017, 2:29 AM   #33
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After walking out of the meeting, and hearing your thoughts over the last several therapy sessions AND phone calls, if she doesn't expect to be served at this point, she's in a fantasy world. I wouldn't tell her, and just have it done. However I have no idea if its worth waiting outside the gate or allowing them to go in to the property.

What if you got in contact with her again, simply to learn her schedule/if she's planning on going into town soon or not. That'll make serving the papers easier.

Or just tell her she is going to be served. Let her know the server will be coming on the property and to expect it.
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Old 15th December 2017, 9:56 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by Jdoublenn View Post
What if you got in contact with her again, simply to learn her schedule/if she's planning on going into town soon or not. That'll make serving the papers easier.
Right, or even schedule some kind of meeting with her, for coffee or something to "talk". Then have the process server walk a few steps behind you, a soon as you identify her, he can serve her.

It might seem underhanded but if she's deliberately trying to avoid service, you have to do what it takes to get the job done. She is forcing you to take these measures.
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Old 15th December 2017, 10:44 AM   #35
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Right, or even schedule some kind of meeting with her, for coffee or something to "talk". Then have the process server walk a few steps behind you, a soon as you identify her, he can serve her.

It might seem underhanded but if she's deliberately trying to avoid service, you have to do what it takes to get the job done. She is forcing you to take these measures.
This seems like the best idea. If she’s been trying to contact you, she seems receptive to a meeting. Arrange a time and place at a public place like a coffee shop, and then have the process server meet her there.

Alternatively, if you do have to serve her at the house and you’re concerned about her being afraid of a stranger on the property, you could always serve her with a uniformed sheriff’s deputy instead of a private process server.

Edited to add: If you haven’t already done so, you should talk to your attorney about your concerns and see what he/she advises. This isn’t your attorney’s first rodeo (at least I hope not!) and will have experience in the best ways to handle this kind of problem.

Last edited by Be_Strong; 15th December 2017 at 10:47 AM..
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Old 15th December 2017, 12:43 PM   #36
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With your own detailed description of your wife's personality I would say it's going to be a nasty divorce no matter how you handle it. It doesn't sound she doesn't like to be told no and not in control. She is going to be pissed no matter what.

She will be losing her workhorse and she really won't like that at all. I have lived that dream all be it my ex got a very large settlement and she was still very mad for years.
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:35 PM   #37
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Finally Served

Well, it finally happened this morning. I guess that makes it official. I'm exhausted, sad, but relieved.

I was one day away from biting the bullet and going out to my house and letting the server into the house with me to serve her early today before she could leave the house. Paying someone $80/hr to sit at the end of ourdriveway for hours, if not days, waiting for her to leave was not an option for me.

This past week I had been getting voicemail after voicemail (in my blocked calls voice mail section) from her. I listened to the first couple just to see if she knew. She did and and she was freaking, trying everything to get me to change my mind, contacting my parents and friends to enlist their support. They listened to her, but they knew where I was and had no interest in buying into her agenda.

I sent her a loving, but honest, email letter letting her know I had made up my mind and wasn't going to change it. She kept pushing for something other than a two lawyer approach. She wanted mediation - that's what she said. I thought about it. Was tempted to give it a try, but came to the belief that what she really wanted was reconciliation and this was a stalling ploy. I may be wrong, and will end up spending lots more doing it this way, but I'm hedging my bets.

Anyway, I can't even speak to her on the phone. Going through months of negotiating with her more directly probably was not going to be in my best interest. She's a powerful, articulate, and persuasive woman. Even after a lot of personal work and 8 months away, I'm not insusceptible to her influence. Doesn't matter, no turning back now.

Appreciate all the encouragement here. I'll be back with updates.
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