Italiangurl808 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Here is a sum up of my story, I had posted it as a reply on another thread, but feel id really like to see if anyone has been or is going through anything similar to all this, or am I really alone ??? .. about 4 months ago my husband said he wanted a divorce, we had been having struggles but that has been most of our relationship, we see things very diff. But have always laughed on that. We have been together 17 years but only married 3.. so I truly felt blindsided, his reason was I don't listen to him and make it all about me, but the truth is he has been neglecting me and our new family for years. Always glued to his phone, never has time to do stuff with me, no holiday gifts or even anniversary anything, coming home late more often then not, but would let me know (which is all I asked) so i got more and more hurt, angry, and resentful. After he said it was done all I've been trying to do is convince him to work it out, telling him about counciling all that, but of corse its a no.. I found out there is a girl.. he is still at hm (more like roommates then anything), he will actually walk away from me and our 1.5 year old to go talk to this girl outside.. I'm 42, my husband 43, and this chic is like 25. Since this, I have found out business trips he has been going on, he has her meet him, doesnt matter thsts what I've been begging from him for years, he was taking her out, sunsets u name it, now he can make time.. I actually found out they have been txting for like 2 years . He met her threw his job. How can I even compete wit that.. I mean as he worked all this time to foster their relationship he let ours go to **** .. and now blames me, and I truly can see mistakes I made, but it's easy to see how him turning to her, lying about it all to me, and comparing us would cause so much of our issues.. we both love hunting, and would go on 2 to for hunting trips a year, and he hasn't taken me on any in 3 years... Ohh yeah I found out im 5.5 months pregnant.. with all the stress i had no idea.. so just b4 his big announcement.. but of corse it made it worse between us.. he has never admitted that emotional cheating is an actual things. And can cause devastation to.. I know I love him to this day, I feel without her we may have had a chance, I honestly feel we wouldn't be in this situation to start wit... I hope things have continued to improve for u, and u guys were able to do things out.. I guess I'm just putting it out there about how devastating emotional cheating can become... I think if I could've done the whole revenge thing I would've, but no way that was possible prego.. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Do you not realize he's having a full on affair? As long as he's connected to her there is no room for you - the marriage is done. Start planning your life without him - he's checked out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Italiangurl808 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 I know he is... but, something in me keeps holding on to the vows i made, that marriage isn't supposed to be something i abandon just because it gets hard, I vowed good and bad, I vowed till death do we part.. I get its about as bad as it can get, but my heart just won't give up.. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 marriage isn't supposed to be something i abandon just because it gets hard, I vowed good and bad, I vowed till death do we part Doesn't that also apply to him? He has abandoned it, he made the same vow that he is breaking every day, he vowed til death does he part, yet he is talking to some other girl right in front of your eyes??? You need to wake up here. He is not a good guy. You need to file for divorce ASAP. The marriage is DEAD. Til death do you part, well death of the marriage counts towards that. The marriage is dead so you can now part. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I know he is... but, something in me keeps holding on to the vows i made, that marriage isn't supposed to be something i abandon just because it gets hard, I vowed good and bad, I vowed till death do we part.. I get its about as bad as it can get, but my heart just won't give up.. Marriage is not about sacrificing your self respect just to stay. You should want more for yourself. Seek professional help to understand what a healthy boundary looks like - you need one. There is NO marriage for you to work with/on - your husband is in a full on relationship with someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amstcole Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 That you are going through this...you deserve respect but it sounds like you need professional help if you want to save your marriage. This article from Focus on the family may help you... Divorce and Separation | Focus on the Family Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I know he is... but, something in me keeps holding on to the vows i made, that marriage isn't supposed to be something i abandon just because it gets hard, I vowed good and bad, I vowed till death do we part.. I get its about as bad as it can get, but my heart just won't give up.. I think you've brainwashed yourself into trying to find excuses to justify your need to stay. The man is blatantly cheating on you. He has zero respect for you. This has nothing to do with vows but your inability to find your self-respect and leave. It would be best for you to seek professional help and try to find your way out of this. And no, he's not just emotionally cheating on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dannyStL Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 It sounds like you are in a similar situation as me. My better half of 13 years has decided she is leaving me, and my two kids, to move out on her own. I have found out that she has been talking to a co-worker for about a month, so she thinks she's in love. This all has come to a head for me this past week. Today is the first day I have left my house. I have cried, I have slept, I have stayed up all night, and I have lost 25 pounds in a little over a week. I can't eat, drink, or focus on my work. I am so angry at the thought of another man putting hands on my girl. I am slowly coming to the realization I have to let her go, but it is so hard, we shared so many moments, so many memories, and built a good life. People on here talk about the 180, I have looked into it, but its hard for me to do. I think maybe you need to look into it as well. Keep talking on the boards, it helps tremendously, at least I can semi-function outside the home now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MilitaryMan Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Danny, feel for you man. I’m in the same boat as you. It’s definitely not easy and it’s a real crappy feeling Link to post Share on other sites
dannyStL Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Pain like I have never known before, it's taken me to some dark places over the last week. Link to post Share on other sites
WorstFeelingEver Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 dannyStL, I feel your pain. I am in the same boat as well. Look at my name. Been with my wife for 22 years. She became friends with a MM co-worker & they took it outside of work, just the 2 of them. I believe it went to a emotional affair. She wants nothing to do with me. We are in the middle of a divorce. WFE. Link to post Share on other sites
WorstFeelingEver Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Here is a sum up of my story, I had posted it as a reply on another thread, but feel id really like to see if anyone has been or is going through anything similar to all this, or am I really alone ??? .. about 4 months ago my husband said he wanted a divorce, we had been having struggles but that has been most of our relationship, we see things very diff. But have always laughed on that. We have been together 17 years but only married 3.. so I truly felt blindsided, his reason was I don't listen to him and make it all about me, but the truth is he has been neglecting me and our new family for years. Always glued to his phone, never has time to do stuff with me, no holiday gifts or even anniversary anything, coming home late more often then not, but would let me know (which is all I asked) so i got more and more hurt, angry, and resentful. After he said it was done all I've been trying to do is convince him to work it out, telling him about counciling all that, but of corse its a no.. I found out there is a girl.. he is still at hm (more like roommates then anything), he will actually walk away from me and our 1.5 year old to go talk to this girl outside.. I'm 42, my husband 43, and this chic is like 25. Since this, I have found out business trips he has been going on, he has her meet him, doesnt matter thsts what I've been begging from him for years, he was taking her out, sunsets u name it, now he can make time.. I actually found out they have been txting for like 2 years . He met her threw his job. How can I even compete wit that.. I mean as he worked all this time to foster their relationship he let ours go to **** .. and now blames me, and I truly can see mistakes I made, but it's easy to see how him turning to her, lying about it all to me, and comparing us would cause so much of our issues.. we both love hunting, and would go on 2 to for hunting trips a year, and he hasn't taken me on any in 3 years... Ohh yeah I found out im 5.5 months pregnant.. with all the stress i had no idea.. so just b4 his big announcement.. but of corse it made it worse between us.. he has never admitted that emotional cheating is an actual things. And can cause devastation to.. I know I love him to this day, I feel without her we may have had a chance, I honestly feel we wouldn't be in this situation to start wit... I hope things have continued to improve for u, and u guys were able to do things out.. I guess I'm just putting it out there about how devastating emotional cheating can become... I think if I could've done the whole revenge thing I would've, but no way that was possible prego.. Italiangurl808, no you are not alone. It seems nowadays, people change w/out taking into consideration about their spouse, children, family, wedding vows, etc.... IMO, I think today's technology, cell phones, social media, etc... is an instant relationship killer. Constant communication with the unknown. A WS looks for attention on social media, or has talks with a co-worker at work, which then becomes a "friend", and exchange phone #'s, and start constantly text each other, when they get the slightest attention, flirt or feeling from someone, they have butterflies in their stomach & think they will have it better on the other side of the fence. Funny thing, in my situation, my STBXW is doing this to a MM with a young child. And MM keeps this going behind his wife's back. What does MM tell his wife when he goes out alone after work or on a weekend? (w/out his wife & young child). Does his wife not have a clue? I don't get it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Hi Italiangurl, I have some questions. You said you and your husband have been together for 17 years but married only in the last 3. So were you two living in a common law relationship for the previous 14 years before marriage? If that be so was your husband above board all those years or were there episodes of cheating during those years too? Why did you two wait to get married till such a late age? Also, before your marriage was your husband behaving in the way that he has been behaving after marriage? If that was so then why did you decide to marry him? Answers to some of these questions will help folks on here to advise you better. Do you work and if so can you support yourself on your own salary? I ask because for all practical purposes your relationship is dead and you need to move on for the sake of your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Get your ducks in a row, consult an attorney and file before you lose complete self respect. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it may be your only route to save yourself further heartbreak. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 My first comment is "what are you trying to save?" My second is take yourself out of infidelity, talk to a lawyer, understand your rights. You have been together 17 years, sounds like your a stay at home mom with a second child on the way. You will ruin him financially if he leaves, he may have other thoughts this is why you need to talk to a lawyer. If the other woman has a boyfriend or a husband expose the affair. I know he is the father of your children but what is so special about a guy that won't even buy you a birthday gift? He's probably throwing money at this 25 year old other woman. First thing I suggest you do is throw his sh*t out of your bedroom, let him cook for himself and let his new girlfriend do his laundry. You sound more like his maid then his wife, che palle, che schifo, time you took yourself out of this vita di me*da. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amstcole Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 I see all of you posting about spouses cheating, etc...and giving up...I was married to a man for almost 8 years - he had all kinds of disabilities...i was urged to leave him but i took my vows seriously...he passed about 2 years ago...though i divorced my first husband years ago - i believe he was unfaithful and also very abusive...so i don't understand just giving up on a marriage...why? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 I see all of you posting about spouses cheating, etc...and giving up...I was married to a man for almost 8 years - he had all kinds of disabilities...i was urged to leave him but i took my vows seriously...he passed about 2 years ago...though i divorced my first husband years ago - i believe he was unfaithful and also very abusive...so i don't understand just giving up on a marriage...why? Here is the reason... In some of these cases, like this one specifically, when one or the other spouse is open involved in infidelity, there is really only 2 things you can do. 1) Be a doormat and wait until the other spouse decides to completely deserts you for the other person. And, some women do this, but if a man does this, he is lost forever, most of the time. 2) Take action and file for divorce. This way you protect yourself, and your kids from the other persons behavior. In this case, the wayward spouse is showing no signs of stopping and coming back to the marriage. Even then who knows if they could work through it. So OP has not choice but to protect herself and get her and her children out of infidelity. Make sense??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amstcole Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 I understand and it does make sense - i just don't understand why people would throw their marriages away by cheating - its like why get married in the first place? Just walk away...be the person with balls and walk away...before you break aheart...of course, if you can break a spouse's heart, maybe you just don't have guts/balls... Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 (edited) Hi Italiangurl, you were given a lot of advice most of it really good for you in your situation. However, you never came back to update the members who took the time and trouble to advise you. Were you really seriously asking for help or did you just want to come on here and vent? If the latter then I can understand your silence. However I am sure your problem has not resolved itself. It is now the new year. A time for new beginnings. What do you plan to do to improve your situation or do you even want to try? You have a responsibility to two tiny souls to ensure that they are brought up in a loving atmosphere not one where there is strife and negativism all around. You are not a young person anymore. At 42 years of age your kids should normally have been teenagers if not young adults. You have to exercise maturity and commonsense if not for yourself then for the sake of your kids. Hi amstcole, you said you divorced your first husband because he cheated and was abusive. Why then are you posing the question of people advising the OP to divorce her husband when he also, like your ex, is cheating on her? The reasons that held good for you to divorce your first husband are the se reasons that also hold good for her to do the same with her unfaithful husband. No doubt it was noble of you to stick with your second husband through the spate of his disabilities but I think marriage vows bind you to such situations. However, where cheating is involved, those vows do not hold good because one person in a union of two has already abandoned them. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes. Edited January 7, 2018 by Just a Guy Link to post Share on other sites
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