LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Wife ended 6 year relationship 2 months after we got married


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree36Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th November 2017, 12:40 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,142
Going NC is the main thing, regardless of how it happens.

It just stings the dumper more if you just vanish without even explaining what you are doing.

I have read so many posts on LS and I have seen quite a few cases of dumpers saying they almost went insane when the dumpee just disappeared and never broke NC.

This doesn't mean that the dumper wants a reconciliation. It's just that it totally retards their healing because they don't know if you hate them, are pining for them, have totally moved on etc. So they in turn don't know if they should feel guilty, pity for you or angry that you have moved on.

Going right into NC without saying your doing it can definitely have an effect on some dumpers, especially those types that are more about their egos.

Not all dumpers deserve this method but some definitely do

Do not break NC for her birthday etc. It seems counter-intuitive but she will respect you deeply for not messaging her on her Bday.

Last edited by marky00; 28th November 2017 at 12:46 PM..
marky00 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 8:51 AM   #17
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Downtown View Post

You are not out of the woods yet, however. In addition to the self awareness, you also must have the ego strength required to be willing to work hard in therapy. If you have strong BPD traits, it is important to find a therapist -- ideally, a psychologist -- who is very experienced in treating it (with programs such as DBT and CBT). Here in the States, most major cities offer such programs. I therefore suspect you will find excellent treatment programs available in the larger cities of Australia.
This all makes alot of sense to me! I have purchased the book "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" will give that a read when it gets here. I am reading a book atm called "Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused by Steve Farmer" So far a great read! Really helps me somewhat understand my learned behaviours in order to survive a rough childhood and how i do not need to continue this behaviour anymore: IE i am though this i do not need to survive my childhood as i have now grown up and a man. Is really hard to read as it is bringing up alot of of trauma i experienced back then that i had mostly forgotten about.

Thankyou again for helping me with this!!! I'll let you know how i go with the
resources / books you have recommended.
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 9:38 AM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 16
Hi again Marky00, cheers for the reply. I have been taking time out for NC has been almost 3 weeks now. I must say that i did break NC with a txt msg on her b'day. Nothing crazy, was just a quick "happy birthday and hope you have a great day" I debated whether to send or not and since i didn't have any ulterior motive besides i wanted to wish my wife a happy bday because i thought it was the right thing to do. Turns out she was interstate by herself and was going hiking for a few days. No harm no foul and i don't feel needy or anything like that for contacting her, i felt it harmless and was not badly received.

I have gone NC again since then and although this is tough i see the value in it for my own sanity and a chance to work more on myself.

An update on things

1. A few weeks ago i was out with some friends and was talking with a women who was going through a bad marriage breakup. Her husband developed a bad coke habit and ended up hooking up with another women whilst he was in rehab. It was crazy to hear the story and it made my own marriage ending seem not that bad after all. IE no kids etc and no cheating etc / messy breakup. Now don't shoot me here but after a tonne of drinks and talking about our ex marriages we ended up kissing briefly. I was surprised that this happened but i have been feeling alot more confident and positive about myself lately and that night i felt like hitting the town with friends and this kiss happened. I haven't spoken to her since but she msg me seeing if i wanted to catchup in a few weeks which i am considering.

After reading a billion stories on LS about people should not date whilst separated etc and i totally get that. I had an honest conversation with her that i was not into a relationship etc with her, too soon too messy etc and she told me she was totally in the same boat. She was a really nice person and i respected her both of our life situations.

The question now is this- I feel pretty screwed over by my wife but still love her. I would love to reconcile, however she has given me no hope whatsoever and said all she knows is she wants to be single etc and thats it.

I feel like we need to sit down soon and have a chat about what this separation fully means. The way i see it is that its over and done! There has been no chance so far "bit over 3 months now" that she has given me anything of a reconcile. So once could safely assume that this is basically leading to a divorce. "She says that the divorce is something we can get around to eventually" Confused??? perhaps she is.

What i am wondering is should i be having a chat with my separated wife soon to lay down what exactly does this separation mean? Should i be asking her questions like

1. Is this separation leading direct to divorce? I feel i may know the answer but who knows she has not said for sure about divorce but what else is there is she left and does not want back in the relationship?

2. If said separation is leading to divorce IE no chance, done, final etc should we talk about seeing other people scenarios? I do not mean dating / relationship as i Do not want a rebound relationship etc and have been honest to everyone involved. I mean if i or her were were to have sex with another person and it's only that,what would her thoughts be towards this considering she was the dumper and she has walked out on our relationship?

3. Or should i not mention any of this this to her at all and stay NC and do my own thing

4. Or what some people on LS say don't be with anyone until your divorced - Yeah my wife dumped me 2 months in i don't really feel alot of alliance to our marriage unless she shows me at least some chance of reconciling. Shes also vague about the actual divorce" Cmon make your mind up love don't screw me around" I have needs and i figure sleeping with someone else may or may not help things but if we click and it's an honest and mutual thing is this so terrible?

I have been working alot of myself and am starting to feel good again. Alot of my friends have commented how well i am getting through this and i wanted to say thankyou to the people here on LS for the support in helping me get through this.

I do not want to act out of line here or any of that. I just thought i would ask your thoughts about this and other peoples experiences etc if they have been in a similar position?

Thankyou so much!
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 10:25 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Downtown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,442
Aussie, thanks so much for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you're doing. Am glad to hear that you've acquired two books and are intending to seek professional guidance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aussie_fella View Post
Really helps me somewhat understand my learned behaviours in order to survive a rough childhood and how i do not need to continue this behaviour anymore: IE i am though this i do not need to survive my childhood as i have now grown up and a man.
As I understand it, Aussie, we all are provided with a primitive set of ego defenses that we use to survive the first few years of childhood. These include denial, projection, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

The child is so fully reliant on those defenses to survive childhood that, when that childhood is traumatic, he is afraid to let go long enough to replace them with the more mature ego defenses that other children acquire. He therefore keeps a death grip on those primitive ego defenses that served him so well.

The result is that the child enters adulthood without knowing how to do self soothing; how to regulate his own emotions; how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; how to trust others; how to be "mindful" (i.e., to remain in the room instead of escaping in daydreams to the past or future); how to perceive "object constancy" (i.e., to see that your W's personality is essentially unchanged day to day, even when you are angry with her); and how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong mixed feelings, uncertainties, ambiguities, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

If you exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, you cannot be "cured" because scientists have not identified any disease or disorder that needs curing. Nobody knows for certain what it is that causes a child's development of emotional skills to stop at about age four. The current view, as I noted above, is that -- due either to an inherited sensitivity and/or childhood trauma -- you did not have the luxury of being able to swap your primitive ego defenses for the more mature defenses.

You can make some progress in learning those defenses by reading books, especially if your BPD traits are at a mild to moderate level. BPDers have told me, however, that a person won't get very far on his own if the BPD behavior is very strong. In that case, professional guidance would be needed when trying to acquire these skills during adulthood. Again, I wish you the best. And I look forward to reading your next update!
Downtown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 2:29 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,142
Didn't read your whole post but trust me when I say a talk is a waste of time.

One day you will hear from her, I promise, but it has to come from her. It won't be to reconcile but she will definitely try to dump a boat load of guilt on your doorstep.

It's all counter-intuitive but everything you do to TRY to fix the situation pushes her away more.

She made a decision. Now, you need to say "ok fine" and leave her to lie in the bed she made. Give her NOTHING because that is what she chose.

If you keep contacting her, she will just think your ok with being walked all over and will keep doing it. Stop contacting and gain your self-respect. She would never come back for the RIGHT reasons anyway until your self-respect is back in place.
marky00 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 5:50 PM   #21
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
Didn't read your whole post but trust me when I say a talk is a waste of time.

One day you will hear from her, I promise, but it has to come from her. It won't be to reconcile but she will definitely try to dump a boat load of guilt on your doorstep.

It's all counter-intuitive but everything you do to TRY to fix the situation pushes her away more.

She made a decision. Now, you need to say "ok fine" and leave her to lie in the bed she made. Give her NOTHING because that is what she chose.

If you keep contacting her, she will just think your ok with being walked all over and will keep doing it. Stop contacting and gain your self-respect. She would never come back for the RIGHT reasons anyway until your self-respect is back in place.
Thanks again Marky00 - Yeah sorry there was a bit of stuff in my above post and don't blame you for not reading it all . However if you did read the whole shebang, i have actually started felling ALOT better! yay! To the point where i was considering not so much dating, but perhaps a small fling with a woman in similar circumstances as mine.

As i am alot more myself these days, been working on myself fitness and counselling / self help books and just all round being positive. I am ok with not contacting her and the bday txt thing was a one off. Im not sending her anything for xmas txt or calls etc and feel good about doing it.

My main thing is this

1. Do i need to talk with her about the terms of this seperation, ie: is either of us sleeping with someone else a total dealbreaker for any hope of reconciling in the future? We haven't really discussed the seperation or what it means or where it's leading.

2. Or are you along the lines of thinking "Don't even bother discussing these separation terms as she has left and not showing any signs of wanting back in, best to move on do my own things if that includes being with other women"? I STRESS NOT A RELATIONSHIP, just a casual fling.

Im wanting to reconcile with her, but her lack of anything towards our relationship, "and i have needs too" and she has shown no sign of coming back at all, no communication nothing. Just breadcrumbs and nothing now after i told her not to contact me for my own sanity.

Cheers Mate and and does anyone else have an opinion here re discussing terms of a seperation etc?

Have a great day / night wherever you are.

Thankyou.
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th December 2017, 10:31 AM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,702
Hi Aussie_fella, good to see that you are making progress on getting out of the hole you dug yourself in. Just keep up with that relentlessly and you will do well. To my under standing, Aussies are great outdoors people. I think you guys are a lot into biking, motorcycling, boating, hiking,, camping etc. If that be the case then I think you have a lot of options to choose from. Tennis and golf are also favourites to my knowledge. Maybe join one of the Australian rules football clubs and attend their games. You can then let off steam by hollering abuses and egging on your team guys and generally have a good time especially if you have some guy friends to hang out with.

You were asking why your stbxwife continues to wear her ring. Well it may be because she wants to keep would be suitors and guys who would otherwise hit on her at bay. It probably has nothing to do with remaining married to you. You mentioned in one of your posts that she had said she wanted to remain single. What better way than to have her wedding ring on to let folks know she is unavailable. I think after two relationships gone sour she may not want to test the truth of the adage 'Third time lucky' and so she keeps her wedding ring as a shield against unwanted attention. As far as you are concerned, since you ate now 37 years old I think you should seriously look for someone who will be happy to be with you and not be lightweight with her emotions like your wife. In fact I get the feeling that you were the rebound choice for your wife and she did not really wait to grieve the loss of her previous relationship. After all her first husband had been her high school sweetheart and she had been with him for nine years. That is a long time to be emotionally connected to someone and she did not give herself time to get over it. You ate asking folks on here about what terms of seperation you should discuss with your stnxwife. Fact is that Blues Power was right when he said your wife was done and dusted with your marriage and the sooner you accept this fact the sooner you will start healing from the break up of your marriage. Your only concern now should be to work tirelessly on overcoming your flaws and making a new man of yourself. Having done that and after the requisite period for filing for divorce is complete, contact a lawyer, find out your rights and your liabilities and file for divorce. In fact with a short marriage of two months I would have thought an annulment should have been in order. Whatever happens, do not contact your wife and just go out and enjoy life as a single man. Your wife has abandoned you and you are under no obligation to stick to any of the so called vows you made before a priest in church at the time of your wedding. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 19th December 2017 at 10:35 AM..
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 5:26 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,702
Hi Aussie_fella, any up dates? Christmas has come and gone so what did you do? Did you wish your wife or just ignored her? Have you taken the decision to file a formal separation agreement? No point carrying on in limbo if things are not going to be resolved. A separation ag4eement will send the message home to her that you also are detaching and if she had been in two minds about reconciliation she will reach out to tell you that she wants to try a reconciliation. If she does'nt react at all,, that will let you know clearly that she is done and you may as well date other women. Sometimes it's best to cut losses before they drain you financially or emotionally. Just think about it. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 5:23 PM   #24
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
You were asking why your stbxwife continues to wear her ring. Well it may be because she wants to keep would be suitors and guys who would otherwise hit on her at bay. It probably has nothing to do with remaining married to you. .
Hi Just a Guy. Yes this def makes sense. I also thought about this and that seems to be the type of gal she is and wearing the ring is just like garlic to vampires or "other guys etc". i saw her the other week and showed her i have taken mine off as there is no point me wearing mine when the relationship seems dead.
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 5:31 PM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
In fact I get the feeling that you were the rebound choice for your wife and she did not really wait to grieve the loss of her previous relationship. After all her first husband had been her high school sweetheart and she had been with him for nine years. That is a long time to be emotionally connected to someone and she did not give herself time to get over it.
Yes Just a Guy. My wife had said to me a few times that we had gotten together too quickly after her last marriage had ended "4 months after leaving her ex" Alot of my friends said that this should not matter now though as it was 6 years ago yada yada, but i guess it can matter, especially if she feels like she did not have enough time to either grieve the past relationship or to discover herself who nshe is etc outside of being in a long term relationship. i just hope she works it out THIS time and never puts someone through the **** i have just endured lol
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 5:53 PM   #26
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 16
Hi Just a Guy. Thankyou for your words of wisdom. An update on things: So I saw my wife last week for a catchup i went out for a dinner with her to say hi etc. Ended up going to her new apartment which i had not seen since her moving in 2 months ago. Was ok to see her. I mean its weird though, i seem to have been making more progress on my life than she has. She has been doing nothing but working 6 days a week etc. I have been excercising, going to counselling, reading self help books etc and am feeling a whole lot better with my life, to the point that when i see her i almost feel sorry for her now.

She has alienated alot of her family and friends at this time. Its really sad to see and no-one really knows whats going on with her life.

She is now asking me for life advice which i am perplexed at because she is the one who left,now i am sorting my crap out she seems still in the past and does not know what she is doing with herself!

I asked her about any chance of reconciliation, and she seems so confused still. She said that we were just not good for each other. I cannot argue with that, i told her then it doesn't really matter how much better i become now if its all too onesided. If she thinks this way then yes moving on is the BEST thing i can do for myself.

She still wants to catchup in the future "as friends", i guess it makes her feel better about herself and not so alone after leaving me. She is soo conflicted and i can tell that she wants to hang out more with me and do things etc. I don't have any major problem with this as i feel i am starting to move on, i have been feeling interest in dating other women, going out and meeting new people, feeling better internally etc. I guess if i feel ok with seeing her and i am dating other people then no harm no foul done. As long as i do not feel bad about it, or that seeing her is holding me back from other potential partners in the future? Many here on LS may say Avoid her at all costs and i understand this if it is causing me any problems. but i figure i i can get on with my life and still catch up with her from time to time then that should be ok.

Now another thing i need to get off my chest with this whole thing is this: The night before my wife told me she was leaving me, she went out drinking with her girlfriend from work. "A Lesbian" Let's call her "BEE" I have met Bee before and she seemed like a decent person etc. Now after all this my brain keeps spinning thinking that this other women would have filled her head with all kinds of **** to enforce what my wife was already feeling about leaving our marriage. A few days after she told me she was leaving me she said "maybe i should just be a lesbian" which i thought was a bit crazy talk.

I could have just left this thought at that, but recently my wife went on holidays for a week hiking etc and i swear i remember her at the time telling me that she was going by herself, when i saw her last week she told me that she was with Bee. I was a little bit surprised by this. When my wife told me that the weather was quite cold etc i jokingly said "you could have cuddled up to Bee" to which my wife did not even really respond.

Fast foward to the xmas break and my wife who told me last week she had no plans etc for xmas was now suddenly going interstate with you know who "BEE" for 5 days.

I know this could be paranoia here, but i am a bit worried that my wife might be either (A)"getting her head filled possible manhating advice from Bee", (B) Getting just friendly support / advice from her or (C) is having a lesbian fling with her (D) al 3????

I know that we are seperated at this time, but do i have the right to know if something is happening here between my wife and this women/ anoyone else? Does anyone have any advice on this , like is this something i should just outright ask her "in a non accusing manner" like "I just want you to be honest with me, but i have been nothing but honest with you and i expect the same from my wife, i need you to tell me if anything has gone on between you and anyone else?"

Or do you all think i should not even bother? I feel like i need to know as i need the truth here. This will make a big difference to if i would ever want to remain friends with her in the future or not. It just seems a bit suss to me that she is now going everywhere with this women inc holidays etc. God my brain is ticking over with theories atm and i know its not good i just need to know and move on.

Anyways thats my latest updates here. Will kept everyone posted as it happens.

Hope you all had a gret xmas and looking forward to 2018 for a new start!

Cheers
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 6:20 PM   #27
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,583
Just like you were told from the beginning...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
So here is the deal, I am betting she is done. You go NC and just let her be.

For what it is worth, she is screwing around on you. Probably for a while, why she married you or you her, that was a stupid decision.

So, you have to grow up, get clean, completely and stay that way. This woman is done, you have blown that with your decisions.

It is time to grow up, become an actual grown man, and live a clean life, then you can find someone new...
Just like you were told from the beginning... She HAS BEEN FOOLING AROUND ON YOU.

For real, you just need to let her go and start fresh. She is gone...
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 9:09 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,713
Eh aussie.
l'm sorry about the sitch, damn.
l think the friends def' been in her ear. Sadly l've had personal experience with that one and the signs are all there with yours, it's pretty common.

l don't think she'll turn lesbian though on that side of things, maybe experiment a bit and she does sound confused so that's probably a big part of it too l'd say..
But she sounds far more straight than bi, which was how my ex w was , she was bi but only semi, with a bit of coaxing though your w might've turned for a while or gotten confused, she sounds pretty confused about all sorts of things really not only that.

Anyway no reason why you can't just ask her if there's been anyone else the way you've been thinking.
She might tell you , might not.

All the best with everything , your doing wonders mate, good for you.
Chilli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th December 2017, 1:19 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,702
Hi Aussie, I think chilli is spot on. I do not want to elaborate but I know of a case where the wife left her husband a good twenty years or so of marriage because she had turned lesbian. The couple had two children, a boy and a girl who were both adults at the time. Your wife may be on the fence and just experimenting with the idea to see if it gels with her. Hence her confused state. However, I think the attachment for you is still there and once her experimentation is done and over with, I wouldn't be surprised if she wants to reconnect with you. Of course by then you may be on a completely different track and may have a new partner to whom you are fully committed. I may be wrong but you will just have to wait and see how this plays out. Just throwing out some thoughts. As usual Blues is right, she has been having an affair of sorts, if you can call it that, with Bee. Warm wishes.
Chilli likes this.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th January 2018, 1:29 AM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,702
Hi Aussie, it's the New Year now and a new beginning for everyone. So what's the news from your spot in the world? In reading your posts I get the feeling that you have still got a lifeline attached to your wife. Or should I call it an umbilical cord? I think it is time to go a bit scorched earth emotionally speaking with her. You have to chart out your own life going forward. No more meeting up with your wife on your own initiative. If any meet up has to happen then it should be because she is chasing you. In the meantime you go ahead and develop your social life. The way I see it is that this desire of yours to sleep with a consenting partner is really because you are still coping with the hurt of having been dumped by your wife. That coping mechanism may backfire on you. It is better to involve yourself in healthy outdoor activities which physically exhaust you so that you have less desire to sleep with someone. Sex can lead to emotional entanglements and you don't really want that at this stage. Live life for yourself and spend time with your single friends.

Have you considered filing for an official separation? Like I said that would send a loud and clear message to your wife that you are moving on and are no longer hung up on her. As I said before, if she has any genuine feelings left for you this will be a wakeup call for her and she will make all out efforts to get back with you. If not it means she is done as should you be. Once the separation is in place give yourself ample space and time to coolly go about fashioning your future life including finding the woman who is going to be a part and parcel of it. One word of advice would be to not latch on to anyone who has baggage and is hauling it around like a sack of potatoes. Look for a clean fresh personality with no hangups about a past filled with pain. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
7 year relationship ended 2 months back, ex has been weird since, dont get it!?!?! pea007 Breaks and Breaking Up 4 12th September 2016 5:39 AM
5 year affair ended two months ago...still devastated Ruby80 The Other Man / Woman 10 5th July 2014 12:06 PM
Separated now nearly a year, wife ended it. Help! losteverything Separation and Divorce 7 5th June 2014 9:39 PM
He ended a six year relationship three months ago maylis Dating 6 3rd October 2011 4:28 PM
ever heard of ex-GF still not talking 14 months after she ended 6 year relationship? grounded Coping 4 2nd March 2004 6:37 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:06 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.