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When Do You Know Its Time


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 30th May 2017, 9:53 AM   #46
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Reread this, it is the best advice in this discussion.

Do not share your dirty laundry with your children or place the blame on their mother. If you do this, it will forever change your relationship with your children and they will never forgive you.

Can't agree more with this, as I've lived it...my mother shared all her dirty laundry regarding her marriage to my father and put the blame on their divorce 100% on him. She used us as weapons and 27 years later I've not forgiven her for it and have as little as possible to do with her...in fact I moved to the other side of the world to get away from her.
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Old 30th May 2017, 10:03 AM   #47
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In the space of one forum thread, you talked about:

- Kicking your son (and actually did it)
- Considering raping your wife in her sleep
- Considering seeing a hooker and taking pictures of it (why do you need that for a divorce?)

I hate to sound unsympathetic but you sound EXTREMELY mentally unstable. You cannot pin this degree of mental instability solely on a lack of sex and intimacy. Lots of people are unfortunately lacking sex/intimacy - most healthy and balanced people do not use that as an excuse for kicking their son and considering rape. By all means divorce your wife, but you really need to see a mental health professional STAT and tell them about all of this and seek treatment before you end up doing something you really regret, regardless of whether you are divorced or not.
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Old 6th November 2017, 6:45 AM   #48
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When Do You Know Its Time

Hi. I am back again. The same issues I had seem to have come back and I decided to check to see when I was first posting in here to get a frame of reference. I was active here in May 2017. Its been almost exactly 6 months. Things don't change and people don't change. They are what they are. The problems of lack of communication, lack of love, lack of sex, lack of everything are all back and destroying me inside. I feel like my guts are churning inside out. (BTW.. No I have not been taking anything out of my child. I make a promise to myself to never allow that to happen again.)

I have been reading a few of the different posts. It seems a few people have suggested get things prepared.

So I am interpreting this as:
- I need to get a separate bank account and start putting money into it.
- I need to source out a marriage counselor in my area. Book an appointment for both of us and tell her the date. If she refused to show up, I will just go on my own. I will keep a paper trail of the number of times I went to a marriage counselor.
- I will start looking for where I can live.
- I need to source out a lawyer and get advice.

Any other thoughts or advice. Any help appreciated.

I went to church yesterday with the family. In the priests sermon he said something to the tone of, "Is this what God wants for you?" That phrase has been haunting me ever since. Is this why I got married in that church almost 20 years ago? Is this why I was put on this earth? To feel this way every day? This this really what my life on this earth and what is left of it meant to be like until I die?
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:30 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
I have been reading a few of the different posts. It seems a few people have suggested get things prepared.
I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You're reading other people's threads and collating advice that's been given to them about their specific situations, and applying that to your own? That doesn't really make sense. Not only does your situation different to all of them, but they are different to each other. The advice you've collated seems designed to achieve different goals: save the marriage or end it? Get the best divorce outcome or temporarily separate? Shock your spouse out of an affair fog? Without understanding your objective it's not very sensible to take advice given to many other people in totally different situations.

Regarding the last part. There is no "why" and there is no "meant to be". We each control our own destiny and make our free choices. We have free will, right?
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:22 PM   #50
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I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You're reading other people's threads and collating advice that's been given to them about their specific situations, and applying that to your own? That doesn't really make sense. Not only does your situation different to all of them, but they are different to each other. The advice you've collated seems designed to achieve different goals: save the marriage or end it? Get the best divorce outcome or temporarily separate? Shock your spouse out of an affair fog? Without understanding your objective it's not very sensible to take advice given to many other people in totally different situations.

Regarding the last part. There is no "why" and there is no "meant to be". We each control our own destiny and make our free choices. We have free will, right?
Ok. I understand what you mean. Then I am looking for a good clean way to end a marriage. I want to do it as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:34 PM   #51
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I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I know what it feels like firsthand to go through the breakdown of a marriage. Your plan to go to counseling is great first step, along with prayer. GOD's word reminds us "Lean not to your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." I pray that your marriage is restored and strengthened as you seek GOD's guidance and wisdom.
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:09 AM   #52
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Ok. I understand what you mean. Then I am looking for a good clean way to end a marriage. I want to do it as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.
Okay, that's much clearer objective. The best way to end it amicably depends very much on the details and personalities of the people involved. For example if your wife has no idea the marriage is even in trouble then the answer will likely be very different than if she's already seeing someone else behind your back. You seem to be asking very generic questions which is never a good idea in these circumstances.

If you have decided you want to end the marriage then forget about marriage counselling. If your wife doesn't yet know that you've given up on the marriage, then doing MC will just give her false hope, and waste both of your time and money.

Cutting off the finances and making your wife be financially independent, would usually only be necessary if your wife is wanting to have her cake and eat it. It's to show her what single life is like, to show her the consequences of her actions and choices. That doesn't sound like it's necessary here since you're the one wanting to end the marriage. If you want it to be amicable then you should communicate about the finances and what both of your financial positions will be after the divorce. But, I would see a lawyer first. Otherwise you might agree to something and change your mind later, which would make it worse.

Building up a nest egg of your own to start your new single life might seem like good preparation but it could backfire on you. You will have to declare it as savings during the divorce proceedings and you may have to share it anyway. It's best to consult a lawyer about these things. Same goes for moving out into your own place.

Finding a lawyer and getting advice is always a good idea. Most do a free initial consultation so there's really no reason not to. In fact see a few. Remember a lawyer is all about the finances, don't waste time in your free consult asking about how to tell your wife or how to complete paperwork. Do talk about their fees though. Don't be shy.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:26 AM   #53
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<Moderation note: begin move of off-topic postings to on-topic discussion>

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I seriously can't believe there needs to be a topic about how to treat someone with basic respect.

The beauty of the human race I guess.
Yes. I see your point, but I am more looking at it, how does someone respond to a woman who accuses them of not treating her with respect and appreciating her when in your mind you don't see anything in your behavior that indicates you are not treating her with respect and dignity? You aren't putting her down to arguing with her needlessly. You aren't ignoring the fact that she does do a lot of stuff with the kid and in the house. So it comes down to, how does one interpret that sort of statement and try to find things in their own behaviors that might indicate that you are not treating her with respect and dignity. There have been lots of great responses to this in the thread. For me personally, I never know if this wording is used as a tool to push arguments and fights forwards or whether she is really feeling that way?

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Old 28th December 2017, 11:45 AM   #54
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Yes. I see your point, but I am more looking at it, how does someone respond to a woman who accuses them of not treating her with respect and appreciating her when in your mind you don't see anything in your behavior that indicates you are not treating her with respect and dignity? You aren't putting her down to arguing with her needlessly. You aren't ignoring the fact that she does do a lot of stuff with the kid and in the house. So it comes down to, how does one interpret that sort of statement and try to find things in their own behaviors that might indicate that you are not treating her with respect and dignity. There have been lots of great responses to this in the thread. For me personally, I never know if this wording is used as a tool to push arguments and fights forwards or whether she is really feeling that way?
As I said before we need examples if you indeed want to talk about your particular relationship on this more general type thread.
All very well for you to say you are treating her with respect and dignity, but an example may have us all to a man, going "OMG, What? You did what? You said what?"
Your perception of how you treat your wife is going to be biased, as is hers probably too.

I have no idea of your relationship dynamics. but if she is continually accusing you of not treating her with respect, then you probably do need to consider she IS actually feeling that way.
A major complaint from unhappily married women is that when they do voice their concerns, they are not listened to or taken seriously by the men in their lives.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:08 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Yes. I see your point, but I am more looking at it, how does someone respond to a woman who accuses them of not treating her with respect and appreciating her when in your mind you don't see anything in your behavior that indicates you are not treating her with respect and dignity? You aren't putting her down to arguing with her needlessly. You aren't ignoring the fact that she does do a lot of stuff with the kid and in the house. So it comes down to, how does one interpret that sort of statement and try to find things in their own behaviors that might indicate that you are not treating her with respect and dignity. There have been lots of great responses to this in the thread. For me personally, I never know if this wording is used as a tool to push arguments and fights forwards or whether she is really feeling that way?
Maybe what she is actually desiring from you is appreciation.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:26 PM   #56
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Maybe what she is actually desiring from you is appreciation.
That's the part I don't know how to work on. I don't complain about food or cooking. I gladly accept every single new health food recepie , ingredient or concoction thrown my way as long as it doesn't give me the runs. Idont complain about which vacation or hotel or place gets planned and go along with whatever is planned.

The house work is split.up with my vacuuming and mopping (1) and the house hold maintenance while she does everything else.

I compliment on things when it's appropriate but it seems a little unreasonable to go around putting her on the back every time she does something in the house.

(1) no I am not emasculated. I work on catching up on music analysis while I do those things so it's a little like peace and quiet while I work and multi tasking.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:30 PM   #57
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I have no idea of your relationship dynamics. but if she is continually accusing you of not treating her with respect, then you probably do need to consider she IS actually feeling that way.
A major complaint from unhappily married women is that when they do voice their concerns, they are not listened to or taken seriously by the men in their lives.
Well, this is why I didn't want to get into it. Those accusations get thrown at me at particular times of the month and I don't want to sound sexist and derogatory about it. And I don't take it seriously because I know it goes away again soon.

But as everyone suggest s I work on M this was a feeble first attempt.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:42 PM   #58
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<End move>

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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Well, this is why I didn't want to get into it. Those accusations get thrown at me at particular times of the month and I don't want to sound sexist and derogatory about it. And I don't take it seriously because I know it goes away again soon.

But as everyone suggest s I work on M this was a feeble first attempt.
OK it may all come spewing out at certain times of the month, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think like that the rest of the time too.
If she thinks you disrespect her and do not appreciate her, that will not just go away when she isn't menstruating. She may keep quiet at other times but that doesn't mean all is hunky dory, that just means she is keeping quiet to keep the peace.

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Old 28th December 2017, 1:03 PM   #59
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That's the part I don't know how to work on. I don't complain about food or cooking. I gladly accept every single new health food recepie , ingredient or concoction thrown my way as long as it doesn't give me the runs. Idont complain about which vacation or hotel or place gets planned and go along with whatever is planned.

The house work is split.up with my vacuuming and mopping (1) and the house hold maintenance while she does everything else.

I compliment on things when it's appropriate but it seems a little unreasonable to go around putting her on the back every time she does something in the house.

(1) no I am not emasculated. I work on catching up on music analysis while I do those things so it's a little like peace and quiet while I work and multi tasking.
If she makes something new you like, ask her to make it again. Or, come up with someone on your own and make it for her.

When she plans a vacation, don't just "go along" with it. Make an effort to research and plan an excursion while you're on vacation. Go out one morning for coffee while you're there and come back with a little gift for her, too.

It's not always enough to just "not complain." You have to put in an effort, too.
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