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When Do You Know Its Time


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 6th November 2017, 6:45 AM   #1
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When Do You Know Its Time

Hi. I am back again. The same issues I had seem to have come back and I decided to check to see when I was first posting in here to get a frame of reference. I was active here in May 2017. Its been almost exactly 6 months. Things don't change and people don't change. They are what they are. The problems of lack of communication, lack of love, lack of sex, lack of everything are all back and destroying me inside. I feel like my guts are churning inside out. (BTW.. No I have not been taking anything out of my child. I make a promise to myself to never allow that to happen again.)

I have been reading a few of the different posts. It seems a few people have suggested get things prepared.

So I am interpreting this as:
- I need to get a separate bank account and start putting money into it.
- I need to source out a marriage counselor in my area. Book an appointment for both of us and tell her the date. If she refused to show up, I will just go on my own. I will keep a paper trail of the number of times I went to a marriage counselor.
- I will start looking for where I can live.
- I need to source out a lawyer and get advice.

Any other thoughts or advice. Any help appreciated.

I went to church yesterday with the family. In the priests sermon he said something to the tone of, "Is this what God wants for you?" That phrase has been haunting me ever since. Is this why I got married in that church almost 20 years ago? Is this why I was put on this earth? To feel this way every day? This this really what my life on this earth and what is left of it meant to be like until I die?
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:30 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
I have been reading a few of the different posts. It seems a few people have suggested get things prepared.
I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You're reading other people's threads and collating advice that's been given to them about their specific situations, and applying that to your own? That doesn't really make sense. Not only does your situation different to all of them, but they are different to each other. The advice you've collated seems designed to achieve different goals: save the marriage or end it? Get the best divorce outcome or temporarily separate? Shock your spouse out of an affair fog? Without understanding your objective it's not very sensible to take advice given to many other people in totally different situations.

Regarding the last part. There is no "why" and there is no "meant to be". We each control our own destiny and make our free choices. We have free will, right?
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:22 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post
I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You're reading other people's threads and collating advice that's been given to them about their specific situations, and applying that to your own? That doesn't really make sense. Not only does your situation different to all of them, but they are different to each other. The advice you've collated seems designed to achieve different goals: save the marriage or end it? Get the best divorce outcome or temporarily separate? Shock your spouse out of an affair fog? Without understanding your objective it's not very sensible to take advice given to many other people in totally different situations.

Regarding the last part. There is no "why" and there is no "meant to be". We each control our own destiny and make our free choices. We have free will, right?
Ok. I understand what you mean. Then I am looking for a good clean way to end a marriage. I want to do it as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.
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Old 6th November 2017, 5:34 PM   #4
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I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I know what it feels like firsthand to go through the breakdown of a marriage. Your plan to go to counseling is great first step, along with prayer. GOD's word reminds us "Lean not to your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." I pray that your marriage is restored and strengthened as you seek GOD's guidance and wisdom.
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:09 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Ok. I understand what you mean. Then I am looking for a good clean way to end a marriage. I want to do it as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.
Okay, that's much clearer objective. The best way to end it amicably depends very much on the details and personalities of the people involved. For example if your wife has no idea the marriage is even in trouble then the answer will likely be very different than if she's already seeing someone else behind your back. You seem to be asking very generic questions which is never a good idea in these circumstances.

If you have decided you want to end the marriage then forget about marriage counselling. If your wife doesn't yet know that you've given up on the marriage, then doing MC will just give her false hope, and waste both of your time and money.

Cutting off the finances and making your wife be financially independent, would usually only be necessary if your wife is wanting to have her cake and eat it. It's to show her what single life is like, to show her the consequences of her actions and choices. That doesn't sound like it's necessary here since you're the one wanting to end the marriage. If you want it to be amicable then you should communicate about the finances and what both of your financial positions will be after the divorce. But, I would see a lawyer first. Otherwise you might agree to something and change your mind later, which would make it worse.

Building up a nest egg of your own to start your new single life might seem like good preparation but it could backfire on you. You will have to declare it as savings during the divorce proceedings and you may have to share it anyway. It's best to consult a lawyer about these things. Same goes for moving out into your own place.

Finding a lawyer and getting advice is always a good idea. Most do a free initial consultation so there's really no reason not to. In fact see a few. Remember a lawyer is all about the finances, don't waste time in your free consult asking about how to tell your wife or how to complete paperwork. Do talk about their fees though. Don't be shy.
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