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Wife wants to separate


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 10th November 2017, 5:48 PM   #31
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Again!!!! Check your phone bill online
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Old 11th November 2017, 5:12 PM   #32
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When did the sex stop in your marriage? Was it gradually? Suddenly? She's having issue with being kissed on the mouth? When did that stop?
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Old 11th November 2017, 7:13 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by nyclion View Post

Some of you said to do a hard 180. I am not sure that will work. She has been complaining of lack of emotional connection. If I cut off all emotional connection then I am just confirming her doubts. She had a panic attack last weekend and I comforted her through it. She hugged me after and said that for the first time in a long time she felt a small amount of connection to me.

I think you have to change something if you want something to change. I don't know that it would fix everything, but you've already been patient, loving and trying your best to please... and look where it has gotten you. Nowhere. She's pushing you away and you're falling all over yourself to appease. Have you ever considered that having this kind of control is meeting her needs in some perverse way and only serves to perpetuate the situation?

My ex-wife used to bring up the D-word thinking that was her trump card, and that I would always fold. You should've seen the look on her face the first time I "okay, I'm so sick of this sh*t. Let's just do it." It didn't ultimately save the marriage, but it sure did change the game.

Here's what I would consider in your situation... sit her down and just tell her that you've done everything you know how to do and she's still not happy so it time to set her free. That it's not what you hoped for, but given circumstances, which are beyond your control, you intend to start living life on your own terms, taking care of yourself and moving forward. Tell her that you aren't leaving and that she will need to find herself a new place to live and start paying her way. That you intend to stay in the home and keep the kids with you. That you will no longer be carrying her burden because you have more than enough of your own, and now you will be the primary caretaker for the kids as well. Wish her luck and ask her to find a new place by the end of the month. Tell her to have her lawyer contact yours, but not to expect windfall because you've already determined that finances are tight. Tell her that you intend to retain primary custody of the kids and she will be allowed ample visitation. Wish her luck with her new life.

The alternative would be for her to get serious about reviving the marriage. I know this is not where you are that this moment, but being Mr. Nice Guy isn't getting you anywhere, and I don't think that's going to change.

And from your perspective... do you really want to spend your life trying to appease a woman who takes, takes, takes, and never does a damn thing to meet your needs? This will diminish you beyond anything you can imagine. Something has to change, and you need to be assertive, take care of yourself, and refuse to be her doormat.
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Old 12th November 2017, 9:07 AM   #34
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To add to what sal said...

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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
I think you have to change something if you want something to change. I don't know that it would fix everything, but you've already been patient, loving and trying your best to please... and look where it has gotten you. Nowhere. She's pushing you away and you're falling all over yourself to appease. Have you ever considered that having this kind of control is meeting her needs in some perverse way and only serves to perpetuate the situation?

My ex-wife used to bring up the D-word thinking that was her trump card, and that I would always fold. You should've seen the look on her face the first time I "okay, I'm so sick of this sh*t. Let's just do it." It didn't ultimately save the marriage, but it sure did change the game.

Here's what I would consider in your situation... sit her down and just tell her that you've done everything you know how to do and she's still not happy so it time to set her free. That it's not what you hoped for, but given circumstances, which are beyond your control, you intend to start living life on your own terms, taking care of yourself and moving forward. Tell her that you aren't leaving and that she will need to find herself a new place to live and start paying her way. That you intend to stay in the home and keep the kids with you. That you will no longer be carrying her burden because you have more than enough of your own, and now you will be the primary caretaker for the kids as well. Wish her luck and ask her to find a new place by the end of the month. Tell her to have her lawyer contact yours, but not to expect windfall because you've already determined that finances are tight. Tell her that you intend to retain primary custody of the kids and she will be allowed ample visitation. Wish her luck with her new life.

The alternative would be for her to get serious about reviving the marriage. I know this is not where you are that this moment, but being Mr. Nice Guy isn't getting you anywhere, and I don't think that's going to change.

And from your perspective... do you really want to spend your life trying to appease a woman who takes, takes, takes, and never does a damn thing to meet your needs? This will diminish you beyond anything you can imagine. Something has to change, and you need to be assertive, take care of yourself, and refuse to be her doormat.
I have read all of this thread, and I am thinking that she is having an affair. So if you do your work, you will find out that she is... It is almost guaranteed.

Further, do you understand what we mean when we say to stop being MR. NICE GUY? Because that is the first thing you need to stop doing, like yesterday.

You are treating her like a princess, and brother she is not. She is lazy and you have enabled that.

So, I am going to say that she needs to get a job of some kind. That way it shows the court that she is capable of working and it may reduce your alimony when you divorce.

But here is the main point... She is most likely screwing around on you and you need to really do the detective work to verify that one way or another. But do not be passive about it, and think that there is no way she could do that. Because there is a way and most likely she is.

You have to stop being passive and make some strong moves like FILING FOR DIVORCE. And honestly, do you really want to be with an entitled princess that does not love you and only has you there to pay the bills?

I should think not. And, no matter what is going on, you filing for divorce may at the very least wake her up about what she is about to through away...
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Old 12th November 2017, 9:49 AM   #35
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I'm sorry but this is a ridiculous generalisation. Women can and do leave marriages without another man in the wings.

Time for you to get evidence for women do not leave
their husbands unless they have already have his replacement
in place, an affair


She could have fallen out of love add she said. Het mother having cancer may also be part of the reason. The realisation that life is too short.... to live in a marriage you arent happy in is a genuine issue.
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Old 13th November 2017, 2:08 AM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
- is she planning on getting a job?
Long-term that is her plan. To do voluntary work in order to gain experience in her chosen field, so she can work in the sector that she wants to. But she is not filling in job applications right now.
Long term? That is what she tells you. But her actions indicate that this is a load of BS. Long term her plan is to divorce you and live off your alimony for the rest of her life.

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Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
I earn the money, she spends it. Very simplistically.
And that is exactly what she will expect to continue, post divorce. She will apply for joint lives alimony.

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- "women don't leave without a plan"
I don't think that she is planning to leave. Her hope was that I would move out for a trial separation, and she would stay in the home with the kids and her life would continue as normal. That won't happen because I am not going to move out, and she couldn't keep the apartment on her own. So she will need to rethink that one.
Well, that is a game plan. She can afford to keep the apartment if you're funding it through your alimony.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
Anyhow, I followed advice above and had a free consultation with a lawyer. He was very clear: DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He also described a "trial" separation pretty bluntly as "bulls##t"
Great! Now see another lawyer, and another. Always get 3 quotes when you're getting a new front door, a new boiler or selling a house. So get opinions from 3 lawyers.

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Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
2. Make sure there are no fights so 911 is not called (I hadn't thought of this one, but we haven't had any violent fights)
Yes absolutely. There are many, many stories on these forums from men who were never violent but had a minor disagreement, the wife called the police, and the man was removed to keep the peace. Once he is out he never gets back in the house, of course. If the police do get called then you need to act TOTALLY calm no matter what your wife says to them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
She has been complaining of lack of emotional connection. If I cut off all emotional connection then I am just confirming her doubts.
Look..... I get why you would make that logical connection. But this logic is flawed. She is not making logical decisions here, she is making emotional ones. She wants out of the marriage. She feels emotionally disconnected (most likely because she is having an affair). When you're trying to re-establish an emotional connection you are simply annoying her. That is having exactly the opposite effect you think it is having!

Women respect strong men. You need to say to her, no more of this BS. You either want to work on the marriage or you don't. If so then we go to marriage counselling tomorrow. If not we go to court tomorrow. Choose.

And as has been said many times, you need to go full detective and check for signs of an affair.
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Old 13th November 2017, 1:08 PM   #37
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That is true Sandy...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
I'm sorry but this is a ridiculous generalisation. Women can and do leave marriages without another man in the wings.

Time for you to get evidence for women do not leave
their husbands unless they have already have his replacement
in place, an affair


She could have fallen out of love add she said. Het mother having cancer may also be part of the reason. The realisation that life is too short.... to live in a marriage you arent happy in is a genuine issue.
That is true Sandy... but in a situations like this one, it is a very high probability that she is having an affair.

As it is OP is treating her like a princess and she sees that and obviously has ZERO respect for him.

I am betting affair...But I could be wrong...
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Old 13th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #38
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I believe I spoiled my ex or she got that way same result, there was no undoing it. She wasn't coming off her throne no matter what. About any personal inconvenience became a crisis I was to manage.
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Old 13th November 2017, 1:30 PM   #39
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Make her get a job now! Otherwise you will be paying way more to her when you divorce.
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