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Want to leave...afraid to do it


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Backstory...been married for 26 years. Have 2 grown kids and one 16 yr old at home. We had only dated a short time & i got pregnant so we got married. Fast forward to present. I dont think i was ever in love with my husband. Sometimes i think it was just the idea of being married & having a family because i was from a broken home. My husband works, doesnt drink or do drugs or hit me. Basically a good guy. However he is very controlling. Doesnt like me talking to other people, even gets mad when i spend time with my older kids. Just questions & complains about everything i do. I havent been happy for a lot of years. About 10 months ago i finally told him i wanted a divorce. He was devastated. Said he would change & i agreed to try and fix things. Im not sexually attracted to him, almost cringe when he touches me. We tried counselling a few times. I was making changes but when we'd get to the appts he'd say i hadnt made any changes. Nothing is good enough for him. Several times hes threatened to kill himself if i leave. Even texted me a pic while i was at work of him holding a gun under his chin. I brought this up to the counselor and of course my husband said he has no intentions of hurting himself. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to be here or i want him to leave. But then i worry what if he does do something stupid. I couldnt live with that guilt for the rest of my life. Im angry because hes doing this. I just needed someone to talk to. Have no one close to me that i feel comfortable talking to because if he could lose his job if his employer thought he was unstable.

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Are you in individual counseling too? If not, start.

 

Threats of suicide in this instance are manipulative. If he does kill himself it will be his choice. For your kids' sake, I hope he doesn't but they should be made aware of dad's threats.

 

Ask yourself the old Ann Landers question: would you be better off with him or without him? Act accordingly.

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I went once by myself and when he found out i got yelled at because he accused me of just going to talk about him. Several years ago i suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks. I havent had any episodes in years. But the past couple months ive had 2. I cant help but wonder if its because of all this stress. His behavior just doesnt seem normal. He gets mad if i carry on a converstation with someone besides him. Says i dont talk to him. If i have nothing to say to him then i shouldnt have anything to say to anyone else. We bought a nice sports car last fall & he even hides the keys so i cant drive it. Says im too pretty & he doesnt want guys seeing me drive it. Thats just insane. Its stupid crazy everday stuff that normal people dont do!

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If and when you decide to leave (and from what you have written it sounds like a good idea), make sure you have your ducks in a row. Leaving men like this is a nightmare on a scale that is hard to convey. Once the self pity hasnt worked, he'll get angry and vengeful. You need to be prepared. Money, place to live, lawyers. Make sure you fully understand your family finances. Do not go into this unprepared.

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texted me a pic while i was at work of him holding a gun under his chin

Look this is a very serious thing. Maybe he wasn't serious or maybe he was, you simply don't know. Are you so sure that he wasn't serious, that you're prepared to gamble your kids and your own life on it? This is exactly how murder-suicides happen. He has a gun and he is depressed and/or mentally unstable. You need to GET OUT and GET YOUR KIDS OUT.

 

NOW.

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Blue, you're describing behavior that is typical of a person having a great fear of abandonment. It usually manifests itself as the irrational jealousy and very controlling behavior you describe here. Of course, the controlling is much easier to achieve when you don't have the support of close friends and family members. The result is that he will try to isolate you from other loved ones and limit your time with them. Moreover, when you spend substantial time with other people (e.g., your adult children), he will misperceive it as you "choosing them over him."

 

About 10 months ago i finally told him i wanted a divorce. He was devastated.
Having one's worst fear come to realization is devastating. Did your H experience abandonment (or have an emotionally unavailable mother) in early childhood?

 

He could lose his job if his employer thought he was unstable.
You do not seem to be describing instability here. Rather, you're describing a man who behaves consistently -- i.e., doing fine until some minor action or comment triggers his abandonment fear. Are you actually seeing evidence of emotional instability? That is, are you seeing periodic mood changes or a repeating cycle of him pushing you away (creating fights over nothing) and then pulling you back (love bombing)?
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Definitely get your ducks in a row when you decide to leave. I would suggest a restraining order. He is attempting suicide but may decide at the last minute that he doesn't want you to live either. You have to get out because you will not be able to go on like this forever. Do not try to move out by yourself but have other people with you to pack and move. He will hurt you if you are alone. Good luck as you are going to need it.

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Blue, you're describing behavior that is typical of a person having a great fear of abandonment. It usually manifests itself as the irrational jealousy and very controlling behavior you describe here. Of course, the controlling is much easier to achieve when you don't have the support of close friends and family members. The result is that he will try to isolate you from other loved ones and limit your time with them. Moreover, when you spend substantial time with other people (e.g., your adult children), he will misperceive it as you "choosing them over him."

 

Having one's worst fear come to realization is devastating. Did your H experience abandonment (or have an emotionally unavailable mother) in early childhood?

 

You do not seem to be describing instability here. Rather, you're describing a man who behaves consistently -- i.e., doing fine until some minor action or comment triggers his abandonment fear. Are you actually seeing evidence of emotional instability? That is, are you seeing periodic mood changes or a repeating cycle of him pushing you away (creating fights over nothing) and then pulling you back (love bombing)?

All the time he says i choose other people over him. I dont go anywhere. If im not at work im at home. His parents were together for like 30 years. So he had his mom and dad when he was growing up. Ive never heard him say anything bad about his childhood.

 

My mom & step dad passed away 3 years ago within 7 hours of each other. The house we live in was theirs and was left to me. It is paid off and in my name only. He keeps asking me to add him to the deed but i am half afraid to. Id like to keep it for my kids to have.

 

He has all my login information for email and facebook and our cell phone bill. He checks it all the time & will question me on why it takes so long to answer him but why do i answer someone else immediately.

 

I have never taken into consideration that he would hurt me but now im beginning to question that. He never ever has but i guess if hes desperate enough its hard to say what he may do.

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Blue, it would be helpful if you would answer the questions asked in my last paragraph above. At issue is whether you've been seeing persistent emotional instability over the past 26 years? Specifically, are you seeing periodic mood changes or a repeating cycle of him pushing you away (creating fights over nothing) and then pulling you back (love bombing)? I ask because unstable people tend to exhibit this push-pull cycle.

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Yes he will start arguments over the dumbest things then turn around an hour later and act like nothing ever happend. After i thought about it, hes done that for years.

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Yes he will start arguments over the dumbest things then turn around an hour later and act like nothing ever happened.
Blue, you are describing the push-away phase of the cycle. Did you also see repeated occurrences of the pull-you-back phase? That is, despite your belief that you never loved him, are you convinced that he genuinely loved you and that he made that clear to you over and over again?
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I have never taken into consideration that he would hurt me but now im beginning to question that. He never ever has but i guess if hes desperate enough its hard to say what he may do.

Right. Have you ever heard the phrase "it's always the quiet ones" or "nobody ever thought he was capable of that"? It is almost always said in news interviews when tragedies happen.

 

This guy HAS A GUN and has demonstrated clear EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY.

 

You need to GET OUT NOW before you become a news story, and all your neighbours are saying in interviews, "he seemed to quiet...".

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Right. Have you ever heard the phrase "it's always the quiet ones" or "nobody ever thought he was capable of that"? It is almost always said in news interviews when tragedies happen.

 

This guy HAS A GUN and has demonstrated clear EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY.

 

You need to GET OUT NOW before you become a news story, and all your neighbours are saying in interviews, "he seemed to quiet...".

 

I had a controlling ex who was unstable and did push/pull..he also had a gun and we live a country where very few people have guns.

 

The house was only in my name..

 

I. Planned for months my departure. Secured a new rental place and moved the bare necessities out when he was at work (he barely worked but I got him a job during the school holidays)

 

I sold the house around him . He never knew where I lived.

 

I'm extremely happy to be free if the toxic relationship...I went completely NC..no points staying in touch with a manipulator.

 

He does not know how to love...he Oly knows control

 

Sell your parents house no advertising or sale boatds Use the money to set up elsewhere...

 

You can be happy again. You DESERVE to be happy..

Because of suicide threats, when you leave alert his friends family and police.

 

Good luck. Keep posting.

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