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Divorcing because of possible mood disorder,


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Old 14th October 2017, 2:33 PM   #16
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It's unlikely this has to do with the steroid shots. Granted, having a painful injury can wear you way down. She may have been unhappy before any of this happened. People can have some good times even when they are overall unsatisfied. She says you never listen to her so I'd start listening real close and not contradict what she's saying but really listen. It's possible a mood disorder started. They often can start later in life. They don't all manifest early. My best advice is give her all the space she needs and reassure her you're not going to try to get sole custody, though you're certainly entitled to joint custody if you're willing to do everything for the child that many days a week. If there have been times she's needed help while she had this bad shoulder and you did not deliver, then that's when she realized you don't really care. Having a bad body part is very draining and people need help and think those closest out to be shouldering a lot more of the chores, etc. to help them out. So I'd vote that that's more likely than the steroids, though they probably did make her more sexually active at first.
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Old 14th October 2017, 6:38 PM   #17
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The therapist told me that my wife might be too old to be diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and she is able to hold a job which is also an indicator that she might not be bipolar.

I have also talked to my ex which has a Ph.D. in Psychology, we dated for 2 years 12 years ago. She told me that based on what I described my wife could be suffering from a mood disorder but because she only had one major depressive episode it is hard to say if she is bipolar. If she goes through a second major depressive phase then she is bipolar and most likely over the next few years will end up losing her job and destroying her life.
The psychiatrist also told me that people with depression can feel empty on the inside and have no feelings left for their partner. The love for our son is different because it is biological love.

We had a family day today with our son and my wife appeared to be okay, She always does well when our son is around her.
She made a comment which surprised me, she told me that I am always so angry. I am a very calm person and don't understand why she would feel that way. A lot of times in the past she would come home from work very angry and now I am the angry one. Doesn't make any sense to me.
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Old 15th October 2017, 2:29 PM   #18
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I'm bipolar, and was first diagnosed when I was 23. I'm now 49. In those 26 years, I've worked full time for all but 5 of them...in very stressful jobs in the media and law. For 10 of those years, I was not medicated...and I was working all that time.

Getting older has made my bipolar worse. Hitting my 40s and realizing I'd wasted a good 15 years with a man who didn't love me, never wanted to marry me in the first place made the illness far worse. I ended the marriage, and yes, I wanted to be left alone as well, so I could figure out when I really wanted without any outside pressure from anyone else.

I'd respect her current wishes and stop telling her what she needs to do. She will probably figure it out for herself. I cannot tell you how angry it used to get me when other people tried to tell me what to do, when I was extremely depressed. I'm not an idiot, I knew it already, but needed to do it in my own time. Other people and their pressures was the very last thing I needed around me at the time.
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Old 15th October 2017, 6:27 PM   #19
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I'm bipolar, and was first diagnosed when I was 23. I'm now 49. In those 26 years, I've worked full time for all but 5 of them...in very stressful jobs in the media and law. For 10 of those years, I was not medicated...and I was working all that time.

Getting older has made my bipolar worse. Hitting my 40s and realizing I'd wasted a good 15 years with a man who didn't love me, never wanted to marry me in the first place made the illness far worse. I ended the marriage, and yes, I wanted to be left alone as well, so I could figure out when I really wanted without any outside pressure from anyone else.

I'd respect her current wishes and stop telling her what she needs to do. She will probably figure it out for herself. I cannot tell you how angry it used to get me when other people tried to tell me what to do, when I was extremely depressed. I'm not an idiot, I knew it already, but needed to do it in my own time. Other people and their pressures was the very last thing I needed around me at the time.
I have given her all the space she needs and have not pushed her at all to get help. I mentioned it twice while we lived together and she refused it.
The hardest part in all of this is to see our son suffer. He keeps asking me when he is with me when mom is coming home.
Friday night he told me that he is sad because he doesn't have a mom and dad. He is only 4 and doesn't understand the whole situation.

I love my wife and son very much and I wish that she would have decided to get help while we still lived together.

Have you had feelings of fear and distrust? I could tell that my wife was afraid of something and after her second surgery stopped trusting me.
She told the therapist that she thinks I cheated on her. I did not but she doesn't believe anything I say.
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Old 16th October 2017, 2:19 AM   #20
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Hi Damo, yours is a very sad story. If your wife is suffering from mood disorders there is little that you can do to relieve her suffering or help her in any way considering that she does not trust you and wants to be away from you. What has happened as far as the divorce is concerned? I may have missed it but is it final or still in the process?

I would suggest that you start distancing yourself from her by maintaining the barest of communication with her and that only with regard to your son and his welfare. She will keep treating you as a punching bag as long as you show that you are still concerned about her welfare and wanting her to get back with you. When you start detaching from her the realization will strike her that you are moving on and if she has any love left for you she will make desperate attempts to get you back. If she is already checked out and has been for a while, then I guess you know whats in store for you. Do not flog a dead horse in that case.

As a point of interest would it be possible for you to give us some background about her relationships before you met her and how did those relationships end? How old were you two when you first started dating? Maybe her history of relationships before you may contain the genesis of her current problems.

I am wondering as to how this problem did not surface while you two were dating or at least were in some sort of relationship before you got married, especially since you say you were together for six years before you got married. Six years is a long time and if you two had been living together during that period then all the problems and tensions that marriage engenders would have been present. She should have displayed some tendency for this problem at that time and if she did then did you just ignore the signs and brush them under the carpet? Some clarification would help here if you feel up to it. Thanks. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 16th October 2017 at 2:26 AM..
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Old 16th October 2017, 9:34 AM   #21
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Hi Just a Guy,

Thanks for the warm wishes.

I can tell that there isn't much I can do to help her and she hates me for some reason. Everything I do is negative in her eyes and everything is my fault.

The divorce is still in process and I am waiting for her counterclaim. I did my counterclaim 10 days ago now she has 21 days to do hers.

I did distance myself from her and we only talk about our son. The therapist we have seen suggested that we have family time with our son but we only had family time with him the first weekend in September and last weekend. Our son is hurting from our separation a lot and now she is blaming me for that as well.
Yesterday he was talking to his mom over Viber (video call) all the sudden he run away and came back a few minutes later, started kicking and punching me. We both asked him what is going on, are you sad? Yes, I am sad, I don't have a mom any more. We tried to explain to him what is going on but she accused me of talking about our separation in front of him with other people. I know better than that and would never do that.

I don't think that she has any love left for me and even if she does she is trying too hard to push me away. She is looking for negative things even in my positive actions just to justify that she is right.

My wife's ex chested on her and left her. She went after him and bagged him to come back but he refused. Only 4 weeks after he left her I met her and we fell in love shortly after. She was 23 and I was 27. The therapist thinks that her previous relationship is a big issues and she never processed it properly.
I could tell that she was afraid of something before she moved out. She hated that my phone had a password (mandatory because of my work) which she knew because her ex would look himself in the bathroom and text other girls. I admit that I was on my phone while sitting on the toilet and that brought out some fear in her. I didn't realize how serious it was until the therapist told me that her past is still effecting her. For the last 8 years, if she didn't like something she would tell me. Last 9 months she locked up and didn't communicate how she felt and was expecting me to figure it out.

There were no problems until her steroid shot last year. We went to Europe 2 years ago and visited her sister at the same time. She told her sister that she couldn't believe how lucky she is to have me in her life and what a great guy I am. We never argued, always agreed on things by talking, I felt we were soul mates.

Before she moved out she told me that last 14 months have been horrible for her and that is roughly where the shoulder pain started. I could tell that she was very angry a lot of times and she would tell me, it is because of the shoulder pain or work related stresses. Now she is telling our friends that she tried to change me for 9 years. That doesn't make any sense to me.

I gave our son baths for months because she couldn't lift him, vacuumed the house, made food every weekend, got up at 5:50 every morning to make her coffee, tried to help her where I could. After all of this she told me that, that is not me and something didn't feel right. She also told the therapist that I cheated on her which I did not.

Another important detail from her life is that she lived through 3 civil wars as a child and her dad committed suicide when she was around 7. She told me her dad was killed in war. Her family told me that her dad was struggling with depression for a few years and took his life. They blamed it on the war but something must have triggered his depression. The therapist thinks that the steroid shots could have triggered a recessive gene and now my wife has a genetic mood disorder.

Last edited by damol111; 16th October 2017 at 9:41 AM..
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:30 PM   #22
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Before she moved out she told me that last 14 months have been horrible for her and that is roughly where the shoulder pain started. I could tell that she was very angry a lot of times and she would tell me, it is because of the shoulder pain or work related stresses. Now she is telling our friends that she tried to change me for 9 years. That doesn't make any sense to me.
Being really miserable can distort your thinking. Even if she actually was happy at the time she may now only be able to remember being unhappy.
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Old 16th October 2017, 2:02 PM   #23
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Being really miserable can distort your thinking. Even if she actually was happy at the time she may now only be able to remember being unhappy.
I can feel her anger most of the times. She had a few happy and good moments over the last few weeks but most of the time she appears to be unhappy and angry. Not just at me but at the whole world.
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Old 27th October 2017, 4:44 AM   #24
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Hi Damo, your story is really heart wrenching. No one should ever have to be placed in such a position. Sadly, you are going to have to deal with your wife even after your divorce because of your son. I only hope over time she calms down and does not give you any trouble in sharing your son. I feel especially sad for your son. He is too small to have to face a situation like this. Has the cause of the pain in her shoulder been identified and if so has it been cured? There is not much one can say in a situation like yours. I think you will just have to man up and take it on the chin. Once the divorce is over I hope things get a bit better for you in terms of having to deal with your wife. Warm wishes.
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Old 27th October 2017, 11:48 AM   #25
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Hi Damo, your story is really heart wrenching. No one should ever have to be placed in such a position. Sadly, you are going to have to deal with your wife even after your divorce because of your son. I only hope over time she calms down and does not give you any trouble in sharing your son. I feel especially sad for your son. He is too small to have to face a situation like this. Has the cause of the pain in her shoulder been identified and if so has it been cured? There is not much one can say in a situation like yours. I think you will just have to man up and take it on the chin. Once the divorce is over I hope things get a bit better for you in terms of having to deal with your wife. Warm wishes.
it is indeed a very difficult situation to be in but I am trying to make the best out of it.

Several things happened over the last 10 days.

My wife filed her counterclaim full of lies on October 20.
She called me the following Sunday and started crying. Supposedly she didn't realize that I was transferring her $300 a month for our son. She lives on a very tight budget and there is no way that she didn't notice the extra money in the account.

I talked to my lawyer on Tuesday and was told that there is nothing in her claim that should make we worry too much. My attorney is still sure that I should at least get 50/50 custody and maybe even 70/30.

On Wednesday, after my wife picked up our son he wanted to talk to me and she called me. After I was done talking to him she started to talk to me. A few seconds later she was crying and told me the following things.
I cannot take this anymore, this is not going anywhere, I just spent my entire paycheck on my attorney, don't have money for anything.

Can we still agree on something?

I told her that we can meet over the weekend and discuss thing if she wants.

Hopefully, she will not change her mind again.

I also met with the therapist yesterday and was told that with 100% certainty, my wife has mood and personality disorders.

My lawyer can request a test to be done if it gets that far. I forgot the name of the test but the therapist told me that it has over 700 questions.

If she is willing to negotiate something should I make it a requirement for her to see a psychiatrist?

Last edited by damol111; 27th October 2017 at 1:56 PM..
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Old 27th October 2017, 4:48 PM   #26
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it is indeed a very difficult situation to be in but I am trying to make the best out of it.

Several things happened over the last 10 days.

My wife filed her counterclaim full of lies on October 20.
She called me the following Sunday and started crying. Supposedly she didn't realize that I was transferring her $300 a month for our son. She lives on a very tight budget and there is no way that she didn't notice the extra money in the account.

I talked to my lawyer on Tuesday and was told that there is nothing in her claim that should make we worry too much. My attorney is still sure that I should at least get 50/50 custody and maybe even 70/30.

On Wednesday, after my wife picked up our son he wanted to talk to me and she called me. After I was done talking to him she started to talk to me. A few seconds later she was crying and told me the following things.
I cannot take this anymore, this is not going anywhere, I just spent my entire paycheck on my attorney, don't have money for anything.

Can we still agree on something?

I told her that we can meet over the weekend and discuss thing if she wants.

Hopefully, she will not change her mind again.

I also met with the therapist yesterday and was told that with 100% certainty, my wife has mood and personality disorders.

My lawyer can request a test to be done if it gets that far. I forgot the name of the test but the therapist told me that it has over 700 questions.

If she is willing to negotiate something should I make it a requirement for her to see a psychiatrist?
*Remember this saying when dealing with a person with a mental health issue:"You can not reason with an unreasonable person!" She does not believe she is ill. If she did, she would be trying to get herself help and working on it to get better AND acknowledging it. Is she doing that as far as you know? As soon as you suggest she get a psych eval, she will likely get angry, deny she needs it, get more angry and make things even harder for you.

Get your ducks in a row. Write down every mental health issue she has displayed. Keep a tight record and take that to your lawyer. Request for the sake of your son and any decisions on custody, that an evaluation be done. The judge can decide. Then if she does not follow a court order, you will likely get full custody, until she complies and even after it may swing towards you but Mother's tend to get the upper hand in custody battles, Be aware of this and don't back down or feel sorry for her. She will need to face her issues and only she can. You have a child at stake here, that is your #1 priority and your own sanity.

I tried to work out a 3 way phone conference over custody after I took my son out of state (I had left on a restraining order and received permission to move from the courts). The Father of my child showed who he really was with his issues and was escorted out of the building by security, ordered into mental health court and I received full custody of our son. He had the opportunity to make things right for himself and his son, but he did not follow through. Therefore, I received full custody.

I would caution you to be alone with her. I know that sounds crazy, but you need witnesses as sometimes people's issues don't present themselves to anyone but the one whom they are most angry or most close to.

Best of luck!
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:16 AM   #27
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Hi Damo, I think Midlifemama has given you excellent advice. She has had first hand experience of the kind of situation you are facing and you would do well to take note of it. I do hope things keep moving positively for you. Sometimes I feel sorry for your wife too. Mood swings due to genetic distortions can be awful and any blame cannot be pinned on the person suffering from it. What a terrible position to be in. I know to some extent what it can feel like because my mother was a manic depressive and we bore the brunt of her illness growing up. I know it affected us in how we developed as adults. Wish you the best .
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Old 29th October 2017, 11:16 PM   #28
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Thank you all for the advice. My wife came Saturday morning to pick up our son and I asked her if she still wanted to talk.She told me no, we will never agree on something.She also became angry but was able to control her anger.

She is very disappointed in me because I don't want to pay for my own son. The only option for her is to get full custody and she will never give me 50/50 custody. She threatened to bring people to court to testify against me but I don't know who she will find. As far as I know, all of our friends are on my side except one of her girlfriends. She might have one witness but I can bring 20 witnesses that will testify that I was a good dad to my son and a good husband. When she came to pick up our son on Saturday her pupils were dilated to the point that I could hardly see any color in her eyes.

I am not backing down and will take any necessary measures to make sure that I at least get 50/50 custody. My attorney is working with her attorney to schedule mediation. I have no idea how long that will take.

I totally agree that it is impossible to reason with an unreasonable person but at the same time, I am surprised that other people haven't noticed how she changed since the steroid injection.

Last edited by damol111; 29th October 2017 at 11:26 PM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 1:38 PM   #29
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Any suggestions on what I can do to calm myself down? I am very nervous today and have not felt this way since she moved out. This whole situation is really nervewracking and is wearing me down slowly but surely.

I have my son tonight and will take him to pumpkin nights tonight which will be a good distraction for both of us.

Tomorrow we are going trick or treat as a family which our son will enjoy for sure. Our son has been looking forward to Halloween for the last two months.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:28 AM   #30
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Hi Damo, why don't you consult your physician for this problem? He would be able to prescribe something to calm you. Just try it. Best wishes
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