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Divorcing because of possible mood disorder,


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Old 10th October 2017, 2:38 PM   #1
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Unhappy Divorcing because of possible mood disorder,

I will try to me a long story as short as possible so people actually read it.

We have been married for 4 year and have been together for almost 10 years. We have a 3 year old son. Our marriage was perfect as far as I could tell and now after my wife filed for divorce all our friends and family are shocked just like myself.

Last year in July my wife's shoulder started to hurt and as far as I know is still hurting. In November of last year my wife was administered a steroid shout into her shoulder and shortly after all the problems started.
Her sex-drive went through the roof and we were making love multiple times a day late last year.
In January of this year my wife told me that she isn't happy and wanted to leave. Somehow I convinced her to stay and showed her that steroid shots can have very negative side effects. She believed me and we continued a normal life.
She received a second steroid shot in February nut this time around her sex-drive was almost completely gone. There was not much I could do about that.
I May of 2017 one night in bed she started to cry and apologize to me for what happened in January. She told me that she was so low and was considering suicide. If it wasn't for out son she would have done something to herself.

I could tell that her mood was drastically improving in May and June. Last week of June and early July we spent 10 days in Jamaica on a vacation. I was the happiest man alive to see my family so happy.

After we got back from vacation my wife found out that she needed a second surgery on her shoulder, the first one was in April. She was very worried an concerned that she had cancer. I was trying to calm her down and it partially worked.

Three weeks before her surgery we decided to remodel the basement bathroom and to take out a loan to purchase solar panels for the house.
A day after the surgery we went to a car dealer to reserve a brand new car for he.

5 days after surgery she wouldn't let me kiss her or anything. This went on for 3 long weeks and I kept asking her if everything was okay and she insisted that it was. On August 21 she told me that she cant live like this any more, no more love left in her for me. Having sex with me doesn't feel right. She also told me that I never listened to her, that she think I cheated on her. All those accusations are not true.

On August 23 she told me I am looking for an apartment and moving out. She moved out on September 2 and filed for divorce on September 6. I was totally shocked to receive the divorce papers. I called her right after to find out why she did and was told that she was afraid that I would take our son away from her. Her mother told her that I said so to her but I did not. I told her mom that i hope that our separation will not turn into a custody battle over our son and if it does I will fight to have shared custody.

I have done a lot of things for her, helped her finish school, was there for her when she had several oral surgeries, helped her with work and with getting better paying jobs and so on. Now, all the positive things I have done for her are gone and whatever I do or say she tries to find something negative in it.

A day before she moved out we went to counseling and the therapist was telling us that she needs to move out to get some space. We went back separate 10 days later and the therapist told me that my wife could be suffering from a mood disorder. My wife stopped going to the therapist and I continued.

I am giving her the space she wanted and needs and we only talk about our son when needed.

Has anybody been in a situation like this? Any recommendations on what I can do to save my family? I love her very much and she was a perfect partner for me until she got the steroid shots. Our son is the biggest victim in all of this and he doesn't even understand what is going on. We have been doing joint custody but she filed for full custody.

Any feedback is highly appreciated. Feel free to ask any questions.

Last edited by damol111; 10th October 2017 at 3:56 PM..
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:23 PM   #2
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Is there a chance there is someone else? Your description makes more sense if there is someone else she may be emotionally connected with.
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Old 10th October 2017, 7:12 PM   #3
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to the OP: It wasn't really a perfect marriage with a divorce out of the blue if you've been having problems since January, though, was it?

If she's been suffering persistent pain for over a year, that can really drag on a person and cause negative personality shifts. It sounds as though she's very stressed and unhappy, and this is building up into a situation where she can only see the negative in every situation.

Unorthodox suggestion: do you live somewhere that medical marijuana is a possibility? I know it makes a huge difference for some people with pain problems. It's certainly not a guarantee, some people get paranoid and miserable on marijuana. However, if it can lift the burden of pain and stress off of her, her mood might stabilise.

Therapy alone does not seem likely to address her situation. If she has either chronic pain or a true mood disorder, she needs medication in order to help restore her system to normal functions.
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Old 10th October 2017, 7:27 PM   #4
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I wouldn't blame it on a steroid shot.

How old is your wife?
Does she take any medication?
Any changes in her life at the time on first steroid shot?
Try to think back throughout your entire marriage. Did you notice any changes in her mood from time to time?
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Old 11th October 2017, 9:02 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by mard40 View Post
Is there a chance there is someone else? Your description makes more sense if there is someone else she may be emotionally connected with.
There is no one else. She doesn't even want to talk to her GF or go anywhere. Just wants to be left alone.
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Old 11th October 2017, 9:08 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
to the OP: It wasn't really a perfect marriage with a divorce out of the blue if you've been having problems since January, though, was it?

If she's been suffering persistent pain for over a year, that can really drag on a person and cause negative personality shifts. It sounds as though she's very stressed and unhappy, and this is building up into a situation where she can only see the negative in every situation.

Unorthodox suggestion: do you live somewhere that medical marijuana is a possibility? I know it makes a huge difference for some people with pain problems. It's certainly not a guarantee, some people get paranoid and miserable on marijuana. However, if it can lift the burden of pain and stress off of her, her mood might stabilise.

Therapy alone does not seem likely to address her situation. If she has either chronic pain or a true mood disorder, she needs medication in order to help restore her system to normal functions.
Like I said, everything was perfect until her shoulder started to hurt and she received steroid shots.

The therapist we went to see thought that she might be Bipolar but at the end changed her mind because my wife has a job. Now she thinks that some other mood disorder very likely.

It is a difficult situation to be in. I know that she is suffering from pain and now from the divorce but I just don't understand how she can blame me for everything.
She is reflecting all the negative things that happened on me and doesn't feel any emotions. She told me she is burned out and empty. That is also common with mood disorders.
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Old 11th October 2017, 9:17 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by submart View Post
I wouldn't blame it on a steroid shot.

How old is your wife?
Does she take any medication?
Any changes in her life at the time on first steroid shot?
Try to think back throughout your entire marriage. Did you notice any changes in her mood from time to time?
She is 34.
A few months before her steroid shot she changed jobs and hated her job. She is on her third job in 18 months now but with the same company. She cannot handle pressure at work at all. She had anxiety at night just by thinking about going back to work the next morning.

She used to take several medications for her shoulder pain but dumped everything down the toilet a few days before she moved out. I printed out the side-effects of some of the medications and tried to talk to her nicely about it because she has a history of experiencing most side-effects from any medication she took. She was very resistive and was telling me that she was not crazy. I never mentioned anything about being crazy.

We were together for almost 10 years and when you are with someone that long minor changes get overlooked. I only noticed mood changes after the steroid shot. I have talked to several friends one of them had a PhD in psychology and was told that there is evidence that steroids can trigger chemical imbalances in people. A lot of times once it is triggered, it will not go away unless it is treated.

My soon to be ex is not willing to talk to anyone or listen to anyone. She thinks that the whole world is against her and she is right.
She also told me that she is only happy when our son is with her and I can really see the mood changes from day to day with him and without him.

Last edited by damol111; 11th October 2017 at 9:21 AM..
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Old 12th October 2017, 9:32 AM   #8
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What are your therapists credentials? If s/he's not a psychiatrist, I think that should be your next step if your wife is willing. Yes, steroids do cause mood shifts. Yes, other medications can also cause feelings of depression and/or disassociation. So can dealing with chronic pain. Add in a miserable job on top of it. I suspect your wife needs more help coping than the therapist she has seen can provide.

I think your best bet might be to ask her to please try everything possible and investigate every possibility before the divorce is final and that includes a visit to a qualified psychiatrist.
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Old 12th October 2017, 4:14 PM   #9
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Try to get some intervention from family members who can help put off the divorce thought away till she is healthy. She isnít in the right state to take such a important decision
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Old 13th October 2017, 9:40 AM   #10
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I couldn't agree more that she is not in the right state to make such a decision. The steroids are out of her system by now but they did trigger something in her.

All the decisions she has made lately are very irrational.

Over the weekend, she spent $30k on a brand new car even though she cannot afford it. She will be saving $40 a month on her payment compared to the current car loan but will have a 6 year loan. She could just have refinanced the car she already has because the car is only 3 years old.

The only family she has is her mom and I tried talking to her mom and she made things worse. Have given up on that option. My wife is not open to any suggestions from anyone. From her GF's, from her mom or from me. She thinks that she is right and nothing will change her mind. She doesn't want to talk to anyone, doesn't want to go out with her GF's, she just wants to be left alone. The therapist thinks that she wants to be left alone for two reasons, she is not sure that she made the right decision, she doesn't want to hear from people that she is making a mistake or that she should reconsider her decision.

The therapist I am seeing is a LCSW and not a Psychiatrist. I tried to talk to my wife to go see a psychiatrist but she refused and told me that she is not crazy. She only went to the therapist twice and told me and the therapist that there is nothing she has to tell the therapist. The therapist asked me to schedule an appointment with a Psychiatrist but my wife never agreed to go.

At first the therapist thought that she could be bipolar but now she thinks my wife might have ADHD or worst case would be Borderline Personality Disorder. I am 99% sure that the steroid shot triggered a chemical imbalance in my wife but she doesn't realize it. I am under the impression that my wife feel like that the whole world is against her.

When she got the steroid shot in November of last year she told me in January that she hated the holidays and she wasn't happy any more. She didn't say I was unhappy for years or months, it sounded to me like it all started withe the steroid shot. Before she moved out I asked when she started to feel this way and she didn't know. She just told me that the last 12 months have been very hard, shoulder pain, two surgeries on her shoulder, our son had a surgery, we had to take him to ER 3 times, she hated her job and so on. I cannot control any of those things.

To me it sounded like she was getting burned out from life and not from the marriage. She reflected all the negative on me and believes leaving me will bring everything back to normal. A week before she moved out she told her GF's that she has no feelings left for me and is burned out.

I don't know how to convince her to see a Psychiatrist to make sure that she is okay. We talk every night over Viber so we can see our son and I can tell that she is going through mood changes a lot. One day she is all happy and talks to me for 20 to 30 minutes, other days I can tell by her voice and facial expression that she is not doing good. I do understand that it is a hard time for both of us and going through a divorce is not easy. Just to decide to leave someone after 10 years is hard.

I just wish that she would go and see a Psychiatrist. It kills me not knowing if I am loosing my family because of a mood disorder. The reasons she gave me and her GF's for leaving me are so minor that even her GF are telling her that they have more issues in their marriages and it is normal to have them.
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Old 13th October 2017, 10:16 AM   #11
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A divorce is just a piece of paper and not "the end of everything" as people think. If she thinks being divorced from you will bring her happiness, maybe you should go ahead and give it to her. If she has a mood disorder and there is not another reason why she wants to be divorced from you, then soon she may realize that the divorce is not bringing her the happiness she thought it would.

It just seems odd that if she is depressed, hates her job, is in pain, etc, that she would want to be divorced too? Aren't these the times you rely on your family and spouse for support?
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Old 13th October 2017, 11:20 AM   #12
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O.K. let me start with the steroid injection... Very UNLIKELY that caused a psychotic break for your wife.

They are painful for a few minutes while receiving them but they are steroids.

I believe your wife has a definite mood disorder that she has likely had her entire life, but stressors of life and pain brought the disorder out to the forefront.

I am in the medical field and also have extensive personal experience living with a bipolar son with psychosis.

His started when he couldn't handle the responsibilities of growing into an adult.

If your wife was on anti-anxiety medication (Benzos) those are quite addictive and can change ones personality. If she was not, but she was on opioids (Pain medication) those can also change a person into someone you do not want to know. They can also increase or bring on a mood disorder that is hidden.

Your wife may have noticed her personality issues long before you married or was able to control them while married until something triggered her breakdown. She was suicidal likely because she knew something wasn't right with her but didn't reach out for help. Most people with BiPolar deny symptoms or feelings. They do not want to have a mental illness and suicidal thoughts are typical and frequent (unfortunately).

By asking for a divorce, she was likely trying to save you the heartache she is feeling. Believe her when she tells you she can not give to you what you need. She is not capable at this point.

I suspect her family knew there were things "off" while growing up. I would be quite surprised if they deny it. They may if a custody battle ensues.

Here's where I want to be clear (as least what I know, in my experience). Loving someone with a mental illness is HELL. It's hell when they will not accept the illness or get help. Nothing changes until something changes and I am sorry to say this, but the odds of her changing are very low. It is a life-altering diagnosis. If she will not even admit it or get diagnosed, even worse.

People can live with Bipolar and function well only and ONLY if they treat it. The meds are difficult in themselves and it takes a lot of patience and effort to find the right chemical balance for any particular person. Frequently an anti-depressant can make BiPolar worse. Anti-Psychotics such as Risperdal have helped. Lithium is an old good stand by med. New and exciting things in electro-shock therapy are occurring (If you have access in your area).

Sounds harsh but nothing like the old psych ward electro therapy. This is mainly placing probes on the face, head and having small impulses at weekly or so sessions. No pain. It has shown great promise in depression and Bipolar. Also, a high-fat low carb diet such as Keto has shown promise at it delivers good fat to the brain. Keto was developed to help children with epilepsy that did not respond to treatment. You can look up Keto. I'm just saying there is hope.

Also, as someone else mentioned, medical marijuana does help many, though I have seen cases where it increased BiPolar in some. CBD oil (not the TSH-that makes one high) is a good alternative.

You can not control this situation and you will hurt yourself by trying to do so. Please believe me here. I have been dealing with this for over 15 years.

Get into a support group. Let her divorce. Take care of your child and interests for your child. Reach out to your wife and offer support and guidance when/if she is ready to get help. Keep a list of resources. A good counselor (or the one you have) may be able to direct you. Tell her you care and love her but you may have a long road ahead until or unless she gets a diagnosis and accepts treatment. You can not put your life on hold hoping these things will happen.

Communicate with her family your concerns and ask that they reach out to her also and have resources available to her (Ex: Numbers to psychiatrist, In-Patient Facilities, Support Groups).

#1, DO NOT ENABLE. By that I mean DO NOT ENABLE her by trying to solve her problems or taking her back too soon when she hasn't worked on anything.

Please be prepared if she has a total psychotic break. I know that sounds weird and harsh but it can and is likely to happen. She thinks she is running away from her illness when in fact she may be causing herself further stress.

You have to take care of YOU. Educate yourself. Protect your son. Sorry you are going through this!!
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:40 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by mard40 View Post
A divorce is just a piece of paper and not "the end of everything" as people think. If she thinks being divorced from you will bring her happiness, maybe you should go ahead and give it to her. If she has a mood disorder and there is not another reason why she wants to be divorced from you, then soon she may realize that the divorce is not bringing her the happiness she thought it would.

It just seems odd that if she is depressed, hates her job, is in pain, etc, that she would want to be divorced too? Aren't these the times you rely on your family and spouse for support?
People suffering from serious mood disorders and/or chronic pain do not always behave in a calm, orderly, logical fashion.

Serious depression can lead you to think that you are a burden to others and that everyone would be better off without you, so you withdraw from people rather than rely on them for support.

Serious pain can make people desperate to try absolutely anything to stop it, including drastic changes in life circumstances, illegal drugs, or dangerous medical procedures.

The divorce will not make her happy, but that does not mean she'll suddenly come back. It might mean she gets even more desperate.
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Old 13th October 2017, 2:30 PM   #14
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I do understand that serious depression can have a very negative impact on people. My wife admitted that she was in a deep depression for over 2 months and was self-medicating with alcohol. Later on she told me that she realized alcohol doesn't help. She would drink a glass of vine or a beer every night after work.

She was expecting me to read her mind and figure out how she felt. She told me that she locked up and didn't communicate with me at all about her feelings and was expecting me to figure it out. Every time I asked her how she was doing and feeling she would tell me that she is either in pain or that she is stressed out because of work. On the outside she stayed strong and was always smiling but on the inside she was falling apart.

The sad thing is, she is blaming me for her depression and all the negative things in her life. She is trying so hard to get me out of her life but I think that she even doesn't know the true reason why. Now she told one of her friends that she tried to change me for 9 years. It went from I hated the last year to 9 years. Everything is very negative in her mind, all the good times and things we had are wiped out. She is very angry at me but I don not know why, and my family and our friends are all shocked that she feels that way.

As far as I know most people don't get out of depression without any help. Am I correct? She told the therapist that she only felt that way once but told me that she felt that way for the last 8 months.
I think she was out of it for 2 to 3 months and fell back into a depression after her second surgery. She had panic attacks after the surgery and I almost ended up calling 911 but she would not let me do it.

I just feel sad and helpless that I can't do anything about it.

Last edited by damol111; 13th October 2017 at 3:23 PM..
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Old 14th October 2017, 8:57 AM   #15
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Sad & Helpless is very hard to feel. So very sorry. You need to know though that you can reach out as much as possible, but ultimately it's up to her to seek help. I hope she does. She may change her mind but he still has work to do on herself. Blaming you is a classic sign of denial.

It takes 2 in any relationship, of course, but something drastically changed in her.

Had you ever seen subtle signs over the years that she could have a mood disorder?

Depression alone is quite different than BiPolar and some of the things you described make me believe she is more Bipolar. Bipolar comes from the 2 polar opposites of the brain. The person typically can go into deep depressions but swing to manic where they seem happy, sometimes unusually so.

Often times they will spend money they don't have. Make huge plans without any real concrete plan. Have grandiose thoughts of the future or self. Some become hyper sexual.

There could be periods of the depression where they sleep all the time and lack energy, or while manic, need little to no sleep. They can have unusual or delusional thoughts that make no sense.

I just want you to know that if this is what she is going through, it will be hard to convince her she is ill. It will be hard to get her treatment unless and if she is on board. She may come to those conclusions herself and may ask for your help at some point, but right now it sounds like she isn't there.

I stress again, watch out for your interests and your child's. Consider joining a support group for spouses or people who love someone with a mental illness. It may help you feel less alone.

For many years I was involved in a chat group like this. The stories are heart-breaking, including my own. I have to say though, if my "Person" had been a spouse and not my child I could not and would not have hung on so long. I am not saying give up, you are hurting and love her. The person you knew changed. It's possible she will recover and or figure some things out, but you need to take care of YOU.

Seek a counselor, support group, talk with friends, family. Enjoy your life as much as possible. Life is short. I hope she gets help for herself and for the sake of your son too.
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