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-   -   Just having a hard time understanding (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/636577-just-having-hard-time-understanding)

maxximus910 3rd October 2017 5:17 PM

Just having a hard time understanding
 
Hello. I'm recently separated from my wife. Please if anyone can help me understand.

Married at ages 26 & 27. Wife wants divorce after two years of marriage. Cried hysterically when she had me served with divorce papers telling me how much she loves and cares for me. Says she needs to be on her own again and stand on her own two feet. Says she neglected herself by giving too much of herself and needs to get it back. I am still in love with her. I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well. Neither one of us abused each other or drugs/alcohol. Both have great jobs. Went to counseling with her before she served me papers. I realize the mistakes that I made and am doing everything possible to address and correct them. She was my first serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to change her mind, but she says that she is confident with her decision. We both entered the relationship with unresolved childhood issues. Her mother didn’t give her the attention that she needed and never really taught her how to be a woman. My father left and chose alcohol over his family when I was 3 years old. I admit my faults and I know that I struggled in the communication department. We now have been living separate for over a month. I continue to seek counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, have started reading self-help books, have started journaling, am trying to change jobs for a better schedule, getting back into shape, and have given her the space that she has requested. I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I don’t know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesn’t want to talk to me. We see each other once a week to exchange our dog that we have together. We have no children. Everything has been separated and the savings split 50/50. She got the car that we had together with no argument. The only thing left that we have together is the dog. She plans on moving away to start a new life somewhere she has never been before on her own. She wants to experience new things by herself.

I drive myself crazy everyday trying to understand why she won't give me a second chance. She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart and is trying to take everything from me. We are both great responsilbe people and were raised the right way. I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

submart 3rd October 2017 6:17 PM

Sorry about your situation.

How long have you been together?
Has she ever dated anybody else? And for how long?
Did she ever have a period where she was single? And for how long?

maxximus910 3rd October 2017 7:49 PM

Thank you submart.

We met in 2009. She was 20 and I was 21. Boyfriend and girlfriend from 2010-2015. Married in 2015. So a total of 7 years together in a relationship. 2 of which married.
She had a boyfriend in high school from age 15-19. He cheated on her and got her friend pregnant. That really did some damage to her. I am the second guy she has been with.
She was single and lived alone for about two years. She would always tell me how much she disliked living alone.

maxximus910 3rd October 2017 7:57 PM

We are opposites, and that is why we were drawn to each other. She expresses her emotions freely, while I have trouble showing how I feel (but am improving on that). Neither one of us got to experience the college/party scene.

We are pleasant and show respect to each other during the brief interactions that we do currently have.

Marc878 3rd October 2017 8:08 PM

Check your phone bill

PegNosePete 4th October 2017 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxximus910 (Post 7430047)
I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well.

She's lying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxximus910 (Post 7430047)
I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I donít know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesnít want to talk to me.

It is great that you're improving yourself! But you should be doing it for YOU, not for her. She has made it clear that she is not interested in a reconciliation. You need to wake up and smell the coffee here. She is not going to change her mind. And if she does, do you really want to be married to someone who bails on the marriage without even trying? Don't you think she will bail again at the slightest sign of trouble? That is no way to live.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxximus910 (Post 7430047)
She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart

Yes, "friendship" is impossible. Don't even attempt it, it will just extend your heart ache. The best thing you can do right now is to separate as much as possible.

And if you haven't already, SEE A LAWYER.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxximus910 (Post 7430047)
I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

Well the trouble is, she doesn't want to. It takes 2 to tango and she mas made it totally clear that she is not interested in getting through it.

40somethingGuy 4th October 2017 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxximus910 (Post 7430047)
Hello. I'm recently separated from my wife. Please if anyone can help me understand.

Married at ages 26 & 27. Wife wants divorce after two years of marriage. Cried hysterically when she had me served with divorce papers telling me how much she loves and cares for me. Says she needs to be on her own again and stand on her own two feet. Says she neglected herself by giving too much of herself and needs to get it back. I am still in love with her. I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well. Neither one of us abused each other or drugs/alcohol. Both have great jobs. Went to counseling with her before she served me papers. I realize the mistakes that I made and am doing everything possible to address and correct them. She was my first serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to change her mind, but she says that she is confident with her decision. We both entered the relationship with unresolved childhood issues. Her mother didn’t give her the attention that she needed and never really taught her how to be a woman. My father left and chose alcohol over his family when I was 3 years old. I admit my faults and I know that I struggled in the communication department. We now have been living separate for over a month. I continue to seek counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, have started reading self-help books, have started journaling, am trying to change jobs for a better schedule, getting back into shape, and have given her the space that she has requested. I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I don’t know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesn’t want to talk to me. We see each other once a week to exchange our dog that we have together. We have no children. Everything has been separated and the savings split 50/50. She got the car that we had together with no argument. The only thing left that we have together is the dog. She plans on moving away to start a new life somewhere she has never been before on her own. She wants to experience new things by herself.

I drive myself crazy everyday trying to understand why she won't give me a second chance. She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart and is trying to take everything from me. We are both great responsilbe people and were raised the right way. I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

I smell cheating for sure. You never mention the red flags but really think about how she has acted in the time leading up to this revelation. Does she guard her phone, change passwords, find reasons for going out without you, did you spend inordinate amount of time apart? Check the phone bill and look for reoccurring numbers in voice and text. Do some snooping. Can you look back at the computer history? If its there then you get insight. If its deleted then she is hiding something. Sounds like you are so distraught over her leaving that you haven't taken time to investigate what happened to lead up to this. I don't buy this 'need to stand on her own two feet' thing. That is code for 'I want to screw other men and I have someone in mind (if she hasn't already).' Faithful married women (as she said she was) don't just come out and leave their man without a replacement in order. Do some snooping. Hire a PI if you have to. She can claim to have been faithful now b/c she hasn't been caught. If she dislikes living alone then why would she all of a sudden want to now? Maybe she got into an EA with someone online which would explain moving far away. But I am telling you there is someone in the picture and you need to figure it out and get a lawyer like yesterday if not already!

VeganButEatMyMeat 4th October 2017 4:09 PM

Cheating or no cheating.. this takes a lot:

- took a lot for her to tell you she wants to end the relationship
- took a lot to go through the courts to have you served with divorce papers
- took a lot to tell you she would rather go forward in life without you
- took a lot to tell you she wants to move somewhere new, have new experiences without you

She's already considered your feelings, she's talked to friends/family about what this will look like or how you will feel. Then she's talked to them about how great being single would be, how she can do anything, date anyone without having to answer to anyone... and did the things above.

Give her what she wants. Get the divorce done and delete yourself from her life.

SaveYourHeart 5th October 2017 9:16 AM

Good for you for going to al-anon and individual counseling! I hope you'll keep going!

So about the wife, she's made up her mind, whether she was faithful or not faithful doesn't matter at this point. I know as a co-dependent person, I get caught up in the "WHY"s and the "WHAT CAN I DO"s, when really I should be focusing on myself, my mental health, and my own happiness. It's going to be hard to let her go, but right now you don't have any other choice. She's leaving. That's it. Don't let yourself obsess over the reasoning, it's not going to help you heal. Just keep doing what you're doing for your mental health and you'll be fine darling.

magnesium 5th October 2017 7:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart (Post 7431144)
So about the wife, she's made up her mind, whether she was faithful or not faithful doesn't matter at this point.

I disagree.

It's important that he knows if his wife was faithful or not, because if she did cheat, he missed all the red flags. He needs to be aware of the subtle changes in his wife, so he can identify these things in future relationships.

Also, it's disrespectful to the OP if his wife fed him a BS story about "exploring the world" when in reality she was cheating on him. She can't end the relationship like that, she basically gets HER way out w/o guilt from being caught, and she lied to the OP.

He should know these things.

somanymistakes 5th October 2017 8:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnesium (Post 7431616)
I disagree.

It's important that he knows if his wife was faithful or not, because if she did cheat, he missed all the red flags. He needs to be aware of the subtle changes in his wife, so he can identify these things in future relationships.

Yeah, but on the other hand, if it's not true, you guys are taking a vulnerable guy and trying to make him even more hurt and paranoid.

It may be worth taking a look to see if anything's been missed. But insisting to him that it's DEFINITELY true, and that if he hasn't found evidence he just hasn't looked hard enough, is not good for his mental health.

(I've seen threads on here with people who even if no evidence was found for YEARS would continue to insist that there MUST be cheating, because why else would you be posting on LS at all?)

Divorce is a very difficult and painful process, and obsessing over the past and the things you cannot change is NOT a healthy way to move forward.

Quote:

Also, it's disrespectful to the OP if his wife fed him a BS story about "exploring the world" when in reality she was cheating on him. She can't end the relationship like that, she basically gets HER way out w/o guilt from being caught, and she lied to the OP.
She can end the relationship any way she wants, for any reason. It doesn't matter if it's fair, or respectful, or if it makes any sense. It's important to know that, in order to come to terms with what happens.

There's no referee you can go and plead to, to say that the way your spouse is leaving you isn't fair and force a do-over.

SaveYourHeart 6th October 2017 8:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnesium (Post 7431616)
I disagree.

It's important that he knows if his wife was faithful or not, because if she did cheat, he missed all the red flags. He needs to be aware of the subtle changes in his wife, so he can identify these things in future relationships.

Also, it's disrespectful to the OP if his wife fed him a BS story about "exploring the world" when in reality she was cheating on him. She can't end the relationship like that, she basically gets HER way out w/o guilt from being caught, and she lied to the OP.

He should know these things.


Where is your evidence that she was cheating? Believe it or not, some people don't cheat and then ask for a divorce. Some people are just not happy or are having a crisis. I totally get his wife's mentality, I struggle with it every day. I've never been alone and I wonder how my life would be different if I was alone and allowed to discover myself again. That's not my husband's fault, it's just that I'm constantly getting older and I've never been independent. Sometimes it is simply that. You have no proof or reason to believe she was cheating. OP is doing important work on his mental health and instead of supporting that, you're promoting paranoia and obsession which is grossly negligent.

In addition, you don't get to decide how someone leaves you or if they're punished for it. It's like you're telling a parent how to discipline their child. That's not how it works. So before offering advice to people in difficult situations, please think about if you're really helping them or if you're actually hurting them.

Lance01 6th October 2017 9:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxximus910 (Post 7430047)
Hello. I'm recently separated from my wife. Please if anyone can help me understand.

Married at ages 26 & 27. Wife wants divorce after two years of marriage. Cried hysterically when she had me served with divorce papers telling me how much she loves and cares for me. Says she needs to be on her own again and stand on her own two feet. Says she neglected herself by giving too much of herself and needs to get it back. I am still in love with her. I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well. Neither one of us abused each other or drugs/alcohol. Both have great jobs. Went to counseling with her before she served me papers. I realize the mistakes that I made and am doing everything possible to address and correct them. She was my first serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to change her mind, but she says that she is confident with her decision. We both entered the relationship with unresolved childhood issues. Her mother didnít give her the attention that she needed and never really taught her how to be a woman. My father left and chose alcohol over his family when I was 3 years old. I admit my faults and I know that I struggled in the communication department. We now have been living separate for over a month. I continue to seek counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, have started reading self-help books, have started journaling, am trying to change jobs for a better schedule, getting back into shape, and have given her the space that she has requested. I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I donít know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesnít want to talk to me. We see each other once a week to exchange our dog that we have together. We have no children. Everything has been separated and the savings split 50/50. She got the car that we had together with no argument. The only thing left that we have together is the dog. She plans on moving away to start a new life somewhere she has never been before on her own. She wants to experience new things by herself.

I drive myself crazy everyday trying to understand why she won't give me a second chance. She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart and is trying to take everything from me. We are both great responsilbe people and were raised the right way. I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.


You're being way too hard on yourself. You didn't make any mistakes, but simply your relationship came to an end.

You're really not in a bad situation in that your wife doesn't hate you and is making things difficult but that she just wants to part ways.

I know its hard and you really love her but just let her go. You do need to hire an attorney.

magnesium 6th October 2017 1:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart (Post 7432039)
Where is your evidence that she was cheating? Believe it or not, some people don't cheat and then ask for a divorce. Some people are just not happy or are having a crisis. I totally get his wife's mentality, I struggle with it every day. I've never been alone and I wonder how my life would be different if I was alone and allowed to discover myself again. That's not my husband's fault, it's just that I'm constantly getting older and I've never been independent. Sometimes it is simply that. You have no proof or reason to believe she was cheating. OP is doing important work on his mental health and instead of supporting that, you're promoting paranoia and obsession which is grossly negligent.

In addition, you don't get to decide how someone leaves you or if they're punished for it. It's like you're telling a parent how to discipline their child. That's not how it works. So before offering advice to people in difficult situations, please think about if you're really helping them or if you're actually hurting them.

I'm all in support of the OP doing his mental health care to make himself better. I've been there too personally. I want to help the OP, and I stated my opinion. If he chooses not too listen to me, that's fine too.

As for proof, no I don't have any proof, and I don't need proof to offer a suggestion. Some people are very clever at hiding their affairs. I would never known I was being cheated on until my ex's friends starting leaking info to me. Once I realised the truth, all the red flags in the past suddenly popped out like neon billboards.

And it isn't about punishing the other person per say, it's about self-validation. I agree we can't "punish" the other person, and that's not the point. I just didn't want the OP to be in the dark. Having my experience validated helped me a lot in the "letting go" process.

And I'd like to add, yes it does hurt more to find these things out, I'm not arguing that. But half of that pain was sort of directed at myself like, "how can I have been so blind?" Basically, the truth snapped me out of my naivety.

SaveYourHeart, from reading your post, it sounds like you were in a similar position once as the OP's wife, and I can see how you can relate/empathise from your point of view. I am simply offering my point of view from a different perspective.


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