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Love him, but I want babies...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:04 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Exceptions are not rules. Statistics give information on the likelihood of outcomes. Just because you and I are not sexual abusers despite being abused as children, it doesn't mean there isn't increased chance of an abused child growing up to be an abusive parent. Not everyone has our emotional awareness after surviving abuse.

Counseling is not magic. Not all emotional damage can be completely healed. Counselling doesn't always keep people from being abusive. As I said before, it's a gamble to have children in the best of situations. Adding serious emotional damage from abuse makes becoming a parent even more risky. I completely understand why the OP's husband is so frightened because I think the same way. Years of therapy have not changed my decision.

I feel so sorry for the OP's husband. It's very hard to be fearful of a life altering decision and have other people believe that their confidence in his abilities should be enough. It's so strange how everyone can be so sure of a positive outcome without taking the risks into account.
exceptions


are not rules to be sure..people however are the exceptions to the rules.. people arent rules or simply statistics...


parenting is like jumping out of an airplane with a faulty parachute and no rule book suited for every family .....and thats for every parent to be...every family has their faults and flaws to deal with, every good parent has a certain fear of how they will parent if they will cut the grade and be one of the good ones.....

even people who have never had abuse in their life could possibly be abusive parents or even kill their children ...there no hard and fast rules on who makes a good parent..i feel it comes down to willing to try your best........i believe counselling to not be a magic cure... simply a chance to possibly heal mental wounds,give a voice to issues within the marriage and even the possibility of parenthood and become a parent who tries their best..in my opinion its better to give professional counselling a shot than giving up and not trying..none of us really know the couple involved at alldeb....
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:20 AM   #77
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Actually I'm not forcing him to do anything. But thanks. Also, he is a wonderful husband, brother, son, and uncle. We have two nieces who think he's the greatest in the world, and he loves those girls. That's an indication he could be a great father.
Being an uncle is nothing like being a parent. It's much easier to be fun uncle than it is to be a father.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:43 PM   #78
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Any update?
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:59 PM   #79
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Being an uncle is nothing like being a parent. It's much easier to be fun uncle than it is to be a father.
I was a very poor aunt - I would fake interest in them. I find my own kids much more enjoyable than the children of others. What works for one doesn't work for all.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:41 PM   #80
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I was a very poor aunt - I would fake interest in them. I find my own kids much more enjoyable than the children of others. What works for one doesn't work for all.
I'm an amazing honorary and blood aunt. I spoil my nephew and my friend's children. I play with them and sometimes I'm too indulgent.

One of my friends has an 18 month old. That little girl loves to climb my stairs and tear up magazines when she visits with her mom. I don't bat an eye while her mother frantically apologizes. She's only a little one.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:12 PM   #81
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Iím back home. One of our best friends was killed in Las Vegas in the shooting the other night, so we are dealing with that. We really havenít had the chance to talk about babies since, but I know I want one... I guess I might just have to get divorced or give it up. Iím not really sure what to do right now.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:56 PM   #82
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I was a very poor aunt - I would fake interest in them. I find my own kids much more enjoyable than the children of others. What works for one doesn't work for all.
I think this is how most people are except when they first have their first one. For a while, they get the fascination with everyone's kids, but then that seems to go away and they only like their own except with rare exceptions.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:58 PM   #83
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Iím back home. One of our best friends was killed in Las Vegas in the shooting the other night, so we are dealing with that. We really havenít had the chance to talk about babies since, but I know I want one... I guess I might just have to get divorced or give it up. Iím not really sure what to do right now.
I'm so sorry you lost a friend so senselessly. Take time to mourn.
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Old 10th October 2017, 9:00 AM   #84
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Iím back home. One of our best friends was killed in Las Vegas in the shooting the other night, so we are dealing with that. We really havenít had the chance to talk about babies since, but I know I want one... I guess I might just have to get divorced or give it up. Iím not really sure what to do right now.
My condolences for your terrible loss.

It's best not to make any life altering decisions while you're grieving.
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Old 10th October 2017, 10:57 AM   #85
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I am so very sorry for your loss
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:30 PM   #86
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Wow! I'm so sorry for your loss. Focus on just grieving at this time.
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:44 PM   #87
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Wow, I'm so sorry you lost your friend. Big hugs from me.

Sometimes tragedy such as this can help give perspective on other issues in our lives. I hope you find an answer.
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:30 PM   #88
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Thank you all for your condolences. My husband is really struggling with all of this right now. So, Iíve just been trying to be affectionate and supportive. I heard him saying on the phone last night that his whole life is falling apart and he can barely bring himself to eat... thatís not something heís shared with me. He said that mostly, itís over me, and our friend just made everything even worse.

The night he died, we had a sit down with his parents to talk about how they want us to work things out because Iím their favorite daughter in law. There were more things we all said but my husband and mother in law both cried. Later, he was mad I didnít cry. I cry about this every day... just not in front of anyone.
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Old 13th October 2017, 2:04 PM   #89
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If he is so distraught over the situation - doesn't that tell you that he still knows he doesn't want children, yet doesn't want to lose you?

I was in the same spot once... Husband was going through a rough time (death of a father, depression) and started to say "maybe I do want kids". I was SO SCARED to lose him - me, who ALWAYS knew I didn't want kids, always knew it wasn't for me.... Started to get desperate. I started to say maybe I could give him a child, or maybe we could adopt.

I knew it wasn't right for me, but I was scared, my world was falling apart.

Luckily I came to my senses, and he came to his - back to what we had agreed upon 10 years prior, no children.

Unfortunately I don't think you are changing your mind back - just know... If this felt right for him. If he thought he wanted kids.. he wouldn't be so destroyed over this.

I really don't think you should allow him to impregnate you in a desperate attempt to keep you.
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Old 13th October 2017, 2:04 PM   #90
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Thank you all for your condolences. My husband is really struggling with all of this right now. So, Iíve just been trying to be affectionate and supportive. I heard him saying on the phone last night that his whole life is falling apart and he can barely bring himself to eat... thatís not something heís shared with me. He said that mostly, itís over me, and our friend just made everything even worse.

The night he died, we had a sit down with his parents to talk about how they want us to work things out because Iím their favorite daughter in law. There were more things we all said but my husband and mother in law both cried. Later, he was mad I didnít cry. I cry about this every day... just not in front of anyone.
I'm glad that you're being supportive.

My guess is that your husband will agree to have a child due to pressure from his parents as well as your needs. When some time has passed, you will have to decide if your husband's acquiesce is a problem or not.

My experience has been that most women who desperately want a child become singularly focused on that goal regardless of the obstacles such as a reluctant partner.
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