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Love him, but I want babies...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 2nd October 2017, 12:14 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
I understand the idea of abuse survivors could become abusive...But....from personal experience its like i have to prove it wrong ..i was abused by a pedo ....doesnt turn me into a pedo.....i was bullied at school doesnt turn me into a bully..been pack raped...doesnt turn me into a rapist....

i am my own person and not my abuse or abusers...my abuse has made me ....extremely empathetic and sensitive to how i treat people and when i have done wrong things to people i feel it double ...i quickly apologise....the last thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable or hurt anyone.......

your husband needs counselling.....there's no correlation with statistics about how your HUSBAND is going to parent...he may be a more sensitive parent because of what he has been through and ....understanding.....if he copped abuse through the hands of a father or mother......doesn't mean that he will abuse his children.....he is scared....and he needs compassionate counselling....

sounds like he would give the world to you if he could...and damn thats rare..... even something he is scared of doing and being....love like that...well....its rare and beautiful...nurture that love go with him to counselling strengthen the trust and bond on your side that you have with you husband ...he is deserving of the same amount of love he has for you, to get it back......do anything for him...like he would for you....or sadly leave him and let some other extremely lucky woman a chance to be loved by a man like him...its your choice.....my suggestion is go the counselling and appreciate him.....and your marriage to him

.....i have had five children when i was younger i thought that i wouldnt have children mainly due to physical scarring on the inside and the fact i felt no one would want to marry someone like me....as a girl i used to day dream about someone marrying me and loving me....still do.even though love scares me ....i know i would make a loving wife......and its evident on this site quite often in replies at times about how damaged goods steer clear......not always true for every individual....and counselling intensive therapy ...is always helpful.......i hope you go that route.....good luck.....deb
Exceptions are not rules. Statistics give information on the likelihood of outcomes. Just because you and I are not sexual abusers despite being abused as children, it doesn't mean there isn't increased chance of an abused child growing up to be an abusive parent. Not everyone has our emotional awareness after surviving abuse.

Counseling is not magic. Not all emotional damage can be completely healed. Counselling doesn't always keep people from being abusive. As I said before, it's a gamble to have children in the best of situations. Adding serious emotional damage from abuse makes becoming a parent even more risky. I completely understand why the OP's husband is so frightened because I think the same way. Years of therapy have not changed my decision.

I feel so sorry for the OP's husband. It's very hard to be fearful of a life altering decision and have other people believe that their confidence in his abilities should be enough. It's so strange how everyone can be so sure of a positive outcome without taking the risks into account.

Last edited by BettyDraper; 2nd October 2017 at 12:20 PM..
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Old 2nd October 2017, 12:23 PM   #62
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Am I willing to have a child with my husband? Yes, if he decides he wants to have one with me.
I meant if you were okay with your husband having a child with you despite his clear reservations and reluctance.

He doesn't want a child. He's just having one to keep you with him. Are you fine with bringing a child into that situation?
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Old 2nd October 2017, 12:33 PM   #63
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Again, I am so very sorry you are in this position. However, blame and "you reneged" serves no one. NO ONE. Do not take on guilt over what is a statistically NATURAL desire.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 12:42 PM   #64
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Again, I am so very sorry you are in this position. However, blame and "you reneged" serves no one. NO ONE. Do not take on guilt over what is a statistically NATURAL desire.
I agree. The OP and her husband are not wrong for their individual feelings toward having children. It's quite common for people to change their minds about certain decisions. I had two friends who were childfree and they ultimately decided to have children.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:32 PM   #65
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I married a man who was adamant he didn't want children...which suited me fine, after my childhood of being raised by two reluctant parents, I have never wanted children either. The odd moment of wondering what it would be like, but that was it (I've also wondered what being shot would be like...)

When we had been married 3 years (and together for a total of nearly 9), we had two forms of contraception fail and I ended up pregnant. I was 34, so it was really the last chance...the minute I told my husband, he asked how much an abortion would be. Even with his pregnant wife in front of him, after nearly a decade he still didn't want to be a father. And I hadn't changed my mind, either.

'Thinking he might love a child' is too much of a risk. There's a 50% chance he won't, either. Please believe me, having resentful parents is ****ing awful. I'm now nearly 50 and currently being treated for C-PTSD because of what I went through as a child.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 2:25 PM   #66
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I married a man who was adamant he didn't want children...which suited me fine, after my childhood of being raised by two reluctant parents, I have never wanted children either. The odd moment of wondering what it would be like, but that was it (I've also wondered what being shot would be like...)

When we had been married 3 years (and together for a total of nearly 9), we had two forms of contraception fail and I ended up pregnant. I was 34, so it was really the last chance...the minute I told my husband, he asked how much an abortion would be. Even with his pregnant wife in front of him, after nearly a decade he still didn't want to be a father. And I hadn't changed my mind, either.

'Thinking he might love a child' is too much of a risk. There's a 50% chance he won't, either. Please believe me, having resentful parents is ****ing awful. I'm now nearly 50 and currently being treated for C-PTSD because of what I went through as a child.
*hug* I have C-PTSD too. I'm no longer in talk therapy.
I will be starting riding lessons and getting a dog next year because being around animals is great for PTSD.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 4:57 PM   #67
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Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time.

We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable.

He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby.
No, it would be your kids' problem if they got attached to him and then he decided to leave. Once you have kids, you have to worry about hurting them by forming attachments that aren't going to last.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 4:58 PM   #68
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Am I willing to have a child with my husband? Yes, if he decides he wants to have one with me.
You already know he doesn't want to. If he goes along with it, it's only because he was coerced and given the ultimatum. I'm sure that won't cause any tension down the line.

Even if a good fairy waved a wand and made him really want kids, he has no role modeling to be a parent. He has no skills for it.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 5:17 PM   #69
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You already know he doesn't want to. If he goes along with it, it's only because he was coerced and given the ultimatum. I'm sure that won't cause any tension down the line.

Even if a good fairy waved a wand and made him really want kids, he has no role modeling to be a parent. He has no skills for it.
I think that parents often learn as they go along. No matter how many parenting courses or books someone reads, they go into parenthood completely blind and not knowing how to raise the particular child they have.

At the same time, parents who had terrible examples have far more difficulty with raising their children than more well adjusted parents.

I believe that most women will follow their biological imperatives when it comes to reproduction, rather than seriously considering whether or not their individual circumstances are the best to bring children into. Most pregnancies are unplanned and plenty of children are brought into poverty and/or very unhealthy relationships.

Not everybody who wants a child ought to become a parent.

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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:06 PM   #70
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^ I don't really think they do. Our child protective agencies are overflowing with crappy parents. He literally has no foundation to know how to properly raise a child. He only has a foundation for how to improperly do it.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 8:21 PM   #71
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^ I don't really think they do. Our child protective agencies are overflowing with crappy parents. He literally has no foundation to know how to properly raise a child. He only has a foundation for how to improperly do it.
To be fair, nobody has a perfect childhood. Parenting is not black and white. Since parents are just fallible human beings, they are bound to make mistakes while raising their children regardless of their childhoods.

In that sense, everyone has been affected in some way by their parents' inevitable missteps. Having a less than perfect childhood doesn't mean that someone cannot possibly make a decent parent. Conversely, someone who had a good enough childhood can still become abusive when he raises his own children.

With respect to the OP, I think that she is willing to have a child in spite of her husbands' reservations. We can only hope that he will be a good father and he won't end up resenting his child or his wife.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:09 PM   #72
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I went and had lunch with my mother in law today. She asked how long I've felt the way I do, what brought it on, and how I plan on moving forward. I told her almost everything and we cried together. We both agreed he would be a great dad, but we both understand why he is scared about it. His father is not a nice man at all.

She told me they've been talking about it, and he's beside himself... that hurts my heart. We talked about everything he's been saying to both of us, and we were so sad. She told me she knows we're made for each other.

I'm so lost.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:12 PM   #73
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You already know he doesn't want to. If he goes along with it, it's only because he was coerced and given the ultimatum. I'm sure that won't cause any tension down the line.

Even if a good fairy waved a wand and made him really want kids, he has no role modeling to be a parent. He has no skills for it.
Actually I'm not forcing him to do anything. But thanks. Also, he is a wonderful husband, brother, son, and uncle. We have two nieces who think he's the greatest in the world, and he loves those girls. That's an indication he could be a great father.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:14 PM   #74
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With respect to the OP, I think that she is willing to have a child in spite of her husbands' reservations. We can only hope that he will be a good father and he won't end up resenting his child or his wife.
Actually, if he's not sure, I won't have one with him. Simple.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:36 PM   #75
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Actually I'm not forcing him to do anything. But thanks. Also, he is a wonderful husband, brother, son, and uncle. We have two nieces who think he's the greatest in the world, and he loves those girls. That's an indication he could be a great father.

Is he making this decision because he definitely does not want children?

Or, is he making this decision out of fear - fear that he may not be a good father?

Because - those are two very different things.

If it is the first, I would say that he should not have children. If it is the second, I would say that he should talk to a counsellor before making a life altering decision...
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