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Love him, but I want babies...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 30th September 2017, 8:32 PM   #46
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That's so sad.

Forgive me, because I read your read a long time ago... Has your husband had counselling? Have you gone to speak with a marriage counsellor? Is he really sure that he doesn't want children?
No counseling for his childhood and no marriage counseling, although I think he'd agree to go. I think he's sure he doesn't want to have babies. His childhood was incredibly abusive, and I don't think he's ever wanted to be father because of it. His dad is a very violent man and I just don't think my husband every wants to be that way.
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:07 AM   #47
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No counseling for his childhood and no marriage counseling, although I think he'd agree to go. I think he's sure he doesn't want to have babies. His childhood was incredibly abusive, and I don't think he's ever wanted to be father because of it. His dad is a very violent man and I just don't think my husband every wants to be that way.
I can understand his concern, and I'm certainly not suggesting that he should have children if he really doesn't want to have children...

But, I have to wonder if loving a child, and experiencing the joy that comes from watching a child grow, could not be one of the most healing things he could do... Just a thought.

He will have to decide what he wants more/what he is prepared to live without... Life is about choices, and he has a big decision to make. Before you make life altering decisions about children and end your marriage, I would think that individual and marriage counselling would be a good investment...
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:12 AM   #48
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I know. My best friend suggested getting pregnant and not telling him, but I know I can't do that. It's low, and It'll make him angry. Not want a baby.
My mother did this to my father, and boy, did she live to regret it. She never really wanted children either, so I ended up with two parents who hated being parents. They did the bare minimum...we weren't beaten or starved, but there was zero love and affection. My father was unfaithful to my mother for the whole of their marriage, and when my younger brother turned 18, left her for another woman.

My mother hadn't worked for the whole of their marriage, ended up losing the only home they'd ever bought together, and now lives in a tiny housing association flat on a very small disability pension. She's also the most bitter and angry person you could ever meet, and doesn't think that there is anything wrong in blaming how her life turned out purely on the fact that she had children.

So don't even think of doing it, if you truly love children.
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:54 PM   #49
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I forgot that my mother's reason for doing what she did was that she was 24 and wanted to get married...this was in the late 60s, but she was from a Catholic family (and a country) with values still firmly rooted in the 40s and 50s...and if a woman wasn't married with 3 kids by the age of 25 she was seen as a failure. My mother wanted the (imaginary) social status that came from being married and a mother. Unfortunately she found out after she'd 'oopsed' my father that he had been lying about his age...he was 5 years younger than her and extremely immature.
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Old 1st October 2017, 4:22 PM   #50
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I can understand his concern, and I'm certainly not suggesting that he should have children if he really doesn't want to have children...

But, I have to wonder if loving a child, and experiencing the joy that comes from watching a child grow, could not be one of the most healing things he could do... Just a thought.

He will have to decide what he wants more/what he is prepared to live without... Life is about choices, and he has a big decision to make. Before you make life altering decisions about children and end your marriage, I would think that individual and marriage counselling would be a good investment...
The problem is that having children is a gamble. Nobody knows what kind of parent he will be until he is a father. The joy of raising children could certainly be healing but it could also go terribly wrong. Those who were abused as children are more likely to be abusive parents themselves.

One of the reasons my husband and I are childfree is we both had cruel mothers. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. My MIL was emotionally abusive to my husband when he was a child. I have had years of counseling but I still have no desire to become a mother. In a way, I'm glad my mom showed me that being a mother is not always as wonderful as everyone says it is. Motherhood can destroy a woman's life in many ways.
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Old 1st October 2017, 5:52 PM   #51
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I actually thought about this.

He was here last night and we had fun just walked around and talked. We came back to the room and he wanted to have sex. I recently stopped taking my birth control, and told him the second I did, and so we had to go get condoms.

We came back, everything was fine, and then he kept trying to take it off. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was doing what I wanted him to. I stopped him and said that it's not something I want to force on him, and that's why I left. He just started crying and saying all that he knows he really wants is me.

This is making me hate myself
It's not easy even being in a relationship the first few years you have a baby. No time. And he probably doesn't want to be around kids and wouldn't like you always saying you have to put the kids first. But you could try to just see him. But you'd need either relatives to watch the kids one or two nights a week or to be able to afford a baby sitter. I just think eventually you'd get mad at him for not finding them charming or wanting to help -- and of course if they're not his, then that might or might not be a problem for him. You'd have to ask how he'd feel. He has no skills to father. He's going to resent the baby for upsetting his world. You know all that. If you had HIS baby and signed a contract agreeing to be the sole parent and not get any child support of any type with him, he might do that, but I still think you'd end up with resentment on both sides. And I think what you may not realize is how your relationship will never be the same after kids anyway. Suddenly he's way down the priority list and he won't like that. And you'll be tired and frazzled and need to work full time to provide and it will be hard because day care costs a bunch of money.

But if you try to find someone new in such a short window of time, you're likely to fail or pick a wrong guy and always regret leavings someone you loved behind. I just know if I had mutual love with a guy like you seem to with him, I wouldn't throw it away for anyone else. It's too rare. You may or may not have a good time with a child. There's kids you love but don't like. There's lots of kids who hate their parents. You can't ever depend on the love of a child to replace the love of a man, really. You'll always love them, but they don't support you back.
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Old 1st October 2017, 5:55 PM   #52
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Have you actually had to take care of kids for hours on end before? If not, be sure you go volunteer somewhere and do that and be sure that is what you want. I know some teachers who began teaching because they love kids but they got over their kid infatuation real quick dealing with them every day.
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Old 1st October 2017, 6:00 PM   #53
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Have you actually had to take care of kids for hours on end before? If not, be sure you go volunteer somewhere and do that and be sure that is what you want. I know some teachers who began teaching because they love kids but they got over their kid infatuation real quick dealing with them every day.
I was a nanny when I was younger. Looking after screaming babies and insolent children cemented my decision to be childfree. A childfree friend of mine works closely with toddlers in a daycare centre.

I like the advice you're giving the OP. Sometimes prospective parents wear rose colored glasses when they think of being parents. Children can certainly bring joy but they are also a lot of work and expense.
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Old 1st October 2017, 8:11 PM   #54
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^ Yes, sometimes for sure. We don't know that about the poster though. She may know all about it or raised some siblings or something. I too have known teens and young women who thought they wanted kids until they actually had to take care of some. Hah. But not everyone is that way, though I think it's accurate to say if you haven't ever had to do it for prolonged periods of time, you probably are idealizing it some.
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Old 1st October 2017, 8:31 PM   #55
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Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time.

We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable.

He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby.
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Old 1st October 2017, 9:40 PM   #56
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Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time.

We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable.

He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby.
Well, are you willing to have a child under the circumstances?
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:02 PM   #57
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I understand the idea of abuse survivors could become abusive...But....from personal experience its like i have to prove it wrong ..i was abused by a pedo ....doesnt turn me into a pedo.....i was bullied at school doesnt turn me into a bully..been pack raped...doesnt turn me into a rapist....

i am my own person and not my abuse or abusers...my abuse has made me ....extremely empathetic and sensitive to how i treat people and when i have done wrong things to people i feel it double ...i quickly apologise....the last thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable or hurt anyone.......

your husband needs counselling.....there's no correlation with statistics about how your HUSBAND is going to parent...he may be a more sensitive parent because of what he has been through and ....understanding.....if he copped abuse through the hands of a father or mother......doesn't mean that he will abuse his children.....he is scared....and he needs compassionate counselling....

sounds like he would give the world to you if he could...and damn thats rare..... even something he is scared of doing and being....love like that...well....its rare and beautiful...nurture that love go with him to counselling strengthen the trust and bond on your side that you have with you husband ...he is deserving of the same amount of love he has for you, to get it back......do anything for him...like he would for you....or sadly leave him and let some other extremely lucky woman a chance to be loved by a man like him...its your choice.....my suggestion is go the counselling and appreciate him.....and your marriage to him

.....i have had five children when i was younger i thought that i wouldnt have children mainly due to physical scarring on the inside and the fact i felt no one would want to marry someone like me....as a girl i used to day dream about someone marrying me and loving me....still do.even though love scares me ....i know i would make a loving wife......and its evident on this site quite often in replies at times about how damaged goods steer clear......not always true for every individual....and counselling intensive therapy ...is always helpful.......i hope you go that route.....good luck.....deb
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:07 PM   #58
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Well, are you willing to have a child under the circumstances?
Am I willing to have a child with my husband? Yes, if he decides he wants to have one with me.
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:12 PM   #59
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I understand the idea of abuse survivors could become abusive...But....from personal experience its like i have to prove it wrong ..i was abused by a pedo ....doesnt turn me into a pedo.....i was bullied at school doesnt turn me into a bully..been pack raped...doesnt turn me into a rapist....

i am my own person and not my abuse or abusers...my abuse has made me ....extremely empathetic and sensitive to how i treat people and when i have done wrong things to people i feel it double ...i quickly apologise....the last thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable or hurt anyone.......

your husband needs counselling.....there's no correlation with statistics about how your HUSBAND is going to parent...he may be a more sensitive parent because of what he has been through and ....understanding.....if he copped abuse through the hands of a father or mother......doesn't mean that he will abuse his children.....he is scared....and he needs compassionate counselling....

sounds like he would give the world to you if he could...and damn thats rare..... even something he is scared of doing and being....love like that...well....its rare and beautiful...nurture that love go with him to counselling strengthen the trust and bond on your side that you have with you husband ...he is deserving of the same amount of love he has for you, to get it back......do anything for him...like he would for you....or sadly leave him and let some other extremely lucky woman a chance to be loved by a man like him...its your choice.....my suggestion is go the counselling and appreciate him.....and your marriage to him

.....i have had five children when i was younger i thought that i wouldnt have children mainly due to physical scarring on the inside and the fact i felt no one would want to marry someone like me....as a girl i used to day dream about someone marrying me and loving me....still do.even though love scares me ....i know i would make a loving wife......and its evident on this site quite often in replies at times about how damaged goods steer clear......not always true for every individual....and counselling intensive therapy ...is always helpful.......i hope you go that route.....good luck.....deb
Thank you. I know he wouldn't be an abusive father I just don't think he knows that. He's a very sweet, kind man. I wish he realized that.
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:26 PM   #60
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Thank you. I know he wouldn't be an abusive father I just don't think he knows that. He's a very sweet, kind man. I wish he realized that.
he feels fear evident in his shame filled tears,
he is possibly so very afraid
that the abuse may have stayed,
some where hidden behind the scars,
he is lost but i say not too far,
just some counselling and tender care,
in the bonds of your marriage that you share,
best wishes in prayers
i send to you miss blue,
that you and your husband pull right through,
and one day might be a tiny life that might grow inside of you.....deb
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