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Love him, but I want babies...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 28th September 2017, 11:58 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Noideanow View Post
He lets fear and past experiences destroy his future a baby is something that happens when two people Make love - we human beings Are not meant to decide on that plan on that- thats naturally fearcreating because its out of our hands i think- He must learn to let go and surrender to life- afterall He does Make love to you right? So He must want it- just not Be aware of it-( or he is not truly in love?
People who make such decisions out of fear is a very sad thing- it's like me being afraid of walking because I can fall- or something* like letting fear destroy control whatever- but you must know that because you used to not want to-?)
they must regret it terribly when older if they found true love at least-
I don't understand people planning babies with someone they are not in love with..-( but to each their own- hope you find someone who truly loves you and wants to secure you live on forever as you him or that he wakes up and frees himself from fear or egoism or what it is
Wow.. no no no no NO!!

Destroy HIS future? He doesn’t want children! Kids are not right for everyone. Many studies are coming to light showing that child free couples are often as happy, if not happier than couples with children.

My future has most certainly NOT been “ruined” because I choose not to procreate.

Sure, some people believe in “fate” – they don’t believe in making their own choices and setting the course for their own future I guess.

“surrender his life?” Oh gees…

I guess women should never use birth control either... too much taking your life and future in your own hands.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:45 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Noideanow View Post
He lets fear and past experiences destroy his future a baby is something that happens when two people Make love - we human beings Are not meant to decide on that plan on that- thats naturally fearcreating because its out of our hands i think- He must learn to let go and surrender to life- afterall He does Make love to you right? So He must want it- just not Be aware of it-( or he is not truly in love?
People who make such decisions out of fear is a very sad thing- it's like me being afraid of walking because I can fall- or something* like letting fear destroy control whatever- but you must know that because you used to not want to-?)
they must regret it terribly when older if they found true love at least-
I don't understand people planning babies with someone they are not in love with..-( but to each their own- hope you find someone who truly loves you and wants to secure you live on forever as you him or that he wakes up and frees himself from fear or egoism or what it is

What I can make out from this rambling post, it makes me furious.
For a lot of us out there not wanting kids has nothing to do with fear, or not loving our spouse enough/the right way/truly/whatever.

Some of us do not have that maternal/paternal instinct to make a good parent.
Some of us have genetic/health issues running in our families that we do not want to pass onto the next generation.
Some of us prefer being child-free because of our career, lifestyle or whatever else.
Some of us actually really do not like children.

None of these reasons have anything to do with fear. They are about having a choice.


OP's husband has been honest and upfront from the start on where he stood on the issue of having kids.
It's the OP who changed her mind later on. And, that is absolutely her right.

But she does not have the right to change her husband's mind for him by getting pregnant on the sly knowing full well he's not on board with it.


OP, you're going to have to have a really tough talk with your husband. You need to figure out what it is you want more; motherhood or a life with him.
I really don't think there is a middle ground to be reached here as in the long run, that will create resentment for both of you.

Good luck.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:49 PM   #18
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Holy $$$ht! That's straight evil.

That's not just low that is morally corrupt. Remember having a baby isn't really about YOU, it's about the life you are bringing into the world. Do not on purpose bring forth a life that is not wanted by it's father.

For me.... If the roles were reversed, if I wasn't a woman and there could be forced into Parenthood without my consent and against my explicitly clear, and agreed upon desire....

I can't begin to describe the rage I would feel for my spouse if they acted so selfishly.

Parenthood isnt for everyone, it's the hardest job in the world, and if it's not a job you want.. I just can't even begin to explain how wrong that is to force upon someone.

I wish I could contact your husband and advise him to get a vasectomy asap to protect himself.

Please do not consider that for a moment.

TELL HIM YOU WANT A BABY. Let him decide what to do about your change of heart.
Did you read her whole post? She said she WOULDN'T do that.

Read
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Old 28th September 2017, 1:48 PM   #19
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I told him this morning I wanted a divorce because I want children and he doesn't. He started crying and then called his mom. I've never heard him cry like that before... he never really gets upset. He left and went to her house, and now she keeps calling me. He really doesn't talk to her much either.

I've been looking at apartments. I know I have to be out of here today.
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Old 28th September 2017, 3:36 PM   #20
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Thank you. I'm so worried that he might say that things are okay and we can have a baby when he really doesn't want one... I would hate to put him in that situation. I'm so upset that I'm going to lose him I can't stop crying.
The bad thing about that is it's not him that's the bigger problem. It's willingly giving a child a father who doesn't want a kid. You can think about your feelings and his feelings, but you have no right to give your child a father who not only doesn't want a child but isn't equipped to have one because of his childhood issues. If you do that, you are NOT putting the child's welfare first and that is a MUST if you are to have kids.

Not only that, but on a day-to-day level you will have someone who feels they're all your responsibility because he never wanted to have kids to begin with and you will have a hard time making an argument otherwise.
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Old 28th September 2017, 3:39 PM   #21
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I told him this morning I wanted a divorce because I want children and he doesn't. He started crying and then called his mom. I've never heard him cry like that before... he never really gets upset. He left and went to her house, and now she keeps calling me. He really doesn't talk to her much either.

I've been looking at apartments. I know I have to be out of here today.
You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.
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Old 28th September 2017, 3:57 PM   #22
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Yes, he's my best friend, and my lover, and most likely my soulmate... we don't fight except for this. But if I don't divorce him that might mean I can't have my babies, am I supposed to just forget that?
There's a lot to be said about finding the right person. I would never leave someone i loved if they didn't want to have a kid - I'm 50/50 on the desire to have one.

Realize that you can easily get pregnant but doesn't mean you'll find a connection like you have now or even stay with / married to the father.

And that's if you find someone with whom you want to have a baby. Not to mention the healing involved of dumping someone you say you love.

Check out the dating forum to see what you're in store for if you decide to become single. It's not pretty out there.
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Old 28th September 2017, 3:58 PM   #23
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You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.
^^^^Exactly
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Old 28th September 2017, 4:25 PM   #24
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I told him this morning I wanted a divorce because I want children and he doesn't. He started crying and then called his mom. I've never heard him cry like that before... he never really gets upset. He left and went to her house, and now she keeps calling me. He really doesn't talk to her much either.

I've been looking at apartments. I know I have to be out of here today.
I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to send you (and your husband) virtual hugs.

This can't have been an easy decision for you to make.

It's ok to give yourself at least a shot at having your own children, and it's ok for your husband not to want to have any; life isn't black or white, and neither are we. Sometimes it takes a bit of time and life experiences to know for sure what we want.

It's just a very sad situation for you both.
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Old 28th September 2017, 4:45 PM   #25
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Miss Blue, I just want to remind you to not feel guilty over changing your mind. What we want at one stage of our life isn't necessarily what we will want at all stages of our lives.

You say that his mum keeps calling you. Have you spoken with her? Does she understand your desire to have children?
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:28 PM   #26
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If a little baby is non negotiable then you did the right thing.

You would have been a childless mother for eternity.

I've heard the pain of that lack never fades.

You did the right thing if you know you must carry a little life
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Old 28th September 2017, 8:13 PM   #27
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I went and got a hotel room, and he keeps calling asking where I am and if he can come there too...

I told him no but he's just sobbing. I think we should try having time apart, but he keeps saying he doesn't want that. I left my wedding ring at the house to try and distance myself, and I don't know if he's seen that yet.
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Old 28th September 2017, 8:45 PM   #28
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Miss Blue, I just want to remind you to not feel guilty over changing your mind. What we want at one stage of our life isn't necessarily what we will want at all stages of our lives.

You say that his mum keeps calling you. Have you spoken with her? Does she understand your desire to have children?
No, I didn't talk to her... I'm worried she's going to try to talk me out of it...

She always talk about how unhappy she was as a mother and her abusive husband made things worse.

I've felt this way for about eight months and every day I hope it's just going to go away, my desire just keeps getting more intense.
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Old 28th September 2017, 9:49 PM   #29
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Go into councelling and then see if thats the only issue. Don't get pregnant by him. Give it one more year. If he is still no kids. Then its time to move on.
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Old 28th September 2017, 9:57 PM   #30
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You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.
I don't have kids and am perfectly happy in my marriage.

But I find this comment unfair.

I respect the desire to have children. It is surely fundamental enough that, if it isn't something that is shared between two people, then the underlying relationship cannot fairly be described as "great".

OP doesn't need to be made to feel worse than she already likely is.

Now, OP:


Your update makes it seem that you basically told him you want a divorce, not "hey, I don't think I can live without kids. Can we talk about that?" If that's true, then I think you have acted a little precipitously. You owe your husband, at least, the dignity of a conversation about this enormous decision.
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