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Love him, but I want babies...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 30th October 2017, 12:05 AM   #211
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What is most important to you OP?

1. Having the baby even if that means you will divorce.
2. Keeping your husband even if that means terminating a pregnancy that you yourself said you wanted.

Since your husband does not want kids and yet you somehow ended up pregnant, you need to decide what you want most. What you would be okay giving up. It sounds like you'd rather give up your husband than terminate the pregnancy, which is totally your choice.

You said that you "can't stay married to someone who would want you to abort", which leads me to wonder did you two EVER discuss the possibility of pregnancy before and if so what was decided and secondly, it sounds like you've already made your choice when you made the above statement, you just need to own that choice.
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Old 30th October 2017, 1:52 AM   #212
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Indeed. By providing these options to your husband, you have now given yourself an ultimatum - so, what are you prepared to lose? Your husband, or your child? What a sad decision to have to make.

I think that you want the baby more than you want your husband. And, that is ok. Own your decision. The world will not end if you chose to continue this pregnancy and leave your husband. The world may just feel like it has ended if you chose to abort, and then leave your husband anyway.

What I can not abhor anymore is listening to you say that you will give your husband the choice to terminate this pregnancy - because you love him? Darling, that is martyrdom, it's not love.

Miss blue, I do wish you the best. I believe that it the most difficult time in your life. This decision, will change the course of the remainder of your life. I hope that some kind of clarity comes to you before you end this life. And if it doesn't, well... you will have to deal with that too.

My parting thought is again - get yourself and your husband some counselling! You have time. It is the only sane and responsible thing to do.

Best wishes.

Last edited by BaileyB; 30th October 2017 at 2:18 AM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:45 AM   #213
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We are in counseling.

He called this morning. He doesnít want me to abort, and he doesnít want to divorce, but he wants me to move out.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:12 AM   #214
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We are in counseling.

He called this morning. He doesnít want me to abort, and he doesnít want to divorce, but he wants me to move out.
Temporarily or for good.?
Can he actually do that?
YOU are married, and if you are in a Western country, he probably has no right to ask you to leave your own home.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:15 AM   #215
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We are in counseling.

He called this morning. He doesnít want me to abort, and he doesnít want to divorce, but he wants me to move out.
In other words, he wants some time and distance from you to work through this. Can you give him a little space for a while?
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:16 PM   #216
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In other words, he wants some time and distance from you to work through this. Can you give him a little space for a while?
Yes exactly. It would just be for maybe a few months.

The more I talk to him about it though the more heís trying to control the whole thing. He wants me to move into a little house probably about five houses down and doesnít want me to move until he can get the day off and doesnít want me to take much of anything since Iíll just be down the street anyway... itís weird...
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:28 PM   #217
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Maybe he wants control - because he feels like he is no longer in control of his destiny?

And I can't believe your luck - did the condom break? They don't really just "fail" like a swimmer makes it through. It's usually quite clear when there is a problem.
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:51 PM   #218
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My guess is he is moving you out in stages.
He is probably wondering if he can manage on his own and so this is a trial run. He doesn't want to cut everything off quickly, he needs you close at hand as plan B, in case it doesn't go as well as he hopes.

I could be completely wrong here, but I have a feeling he is done, but it is taking him a while to cut the cord completely.
Some people need reciprocity in order to able to love, and once the Divorce word is mentioned, they lose feelings.
He may be one of those men, and once you said you wanted to divorce and were resistant to his pleas, it was all over for him, bar the shouting. Instead of his one and only and his beloved wife you became just another woman, and what do men want to do with just another woman?
They use her for sex, which is what he appears to be doing with you.

I feel if he really wanted to make a go of this, especially now you are pregnant with his child, he would want you to stay and you would both work on mending your marriage.
I guess he now wants to test the waters of single hood as that is usually the real reason for a "break"...
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:54 PM   #219
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I donít understand what heís thinking right now. He called me about an hour ago just sobbing because he doesnít actually want me to move out. He wants me to come home and he misses me and the house is empty when Iím not there and he just doesnít want to be like his dad. Then he asked me if I think heís like him.

Thatís something heís never asked and it just broke my heart!

I tried to get his mind off of it, and I asked him what he was doing, and heís watching the exact same movie I am, same channel and everything and he started crying again.


Another question I have is, if he really wants to get rid of me, why tell me I have to move into the house five doors down? Wouldnít that be weird if he got together with someone else? Iím not refuting it, just want to gain perspective.
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:17 PM   #220
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I donít understand what heís thinking right now. He called me about an hour ago just sobbing because he doesnít actually want me to move out. He wants me to come home and he misses me and the house is empty when Iím not there and he just doesnít want to be like his dad. Then he asked me if I think heís like him.

Thatís something heís never asked and it just broke my heart!

I tried to get his mind off of it, and I asked him what he was doing, and heís watching the exact same movie I am, same channel and everything and he started crying again.


Another question I have is, if he really wants to get rid of me, why tell me I have to move into the house five doors down? Wouldnít that be weird if he got together with someone else? Iím not refuting it, just want to gain perspective.
When is your next counseling session? If it isn't soon, call and move it up if you can. You two need to go talk to someone (together and separately) who is qualified to help you get through this. It is fine to talk to everyone here, but as you can see, the variety of opinions is great and has to be confusing to you. He needs to rely on someone, a therapist, to be completely honest and help him realize that he is not destined to follow in his father's footsteps, regardless of the decision you and he makes. It is terrible that he is in such pain over such a crappy childhood and he needs help in dealing with this as well as the mutual decisions you have to make.

I am not saying not to post here, but you are getting so many opinions and no one here knows you or your husband and you have another little life in the balance here. It is worth trying to get outside, qualified, professional help right now.

My 2 cents.
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:33 PM   #221
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I don’t understand what he’s thinking right now. He called me about an hour ago just sobbing because he doesn’t actually want me to move out. He wants me to come home and he misses me and the house is empty when I’m not there and he just doesn’t want to be like his dad. Then he asked me if I think he’s like him.

That’s something he’s never asked and it just broke my heart!

I tried to get his mind off of it, and I asked him what he was doing, and he’s watching the exact same movie I am, same channel and everything and he started crying again.


Another question I have is, if he really wants to get rid of me, why tell me I have to move into the house five doors down? Wouldn’t that be weird if he got together with someone else? I’m not refuting it, just want to gain perspective.
With all due respect, I don't think he knows what he is doing right now. He is not thinking rationally. His world is upside down, his worst fear has come to reality, as my dear mother used to say - "he doesn't know if he is coming or going right now!" As heartbreaking it may be for you to see, just imagine how he must be feeling right now. And, the one person to whom he wants to turn for comfort and reassurance is the very person who has caused his pain.

I hope you have a counselling session this week, because you both need help!

Last edited by BaileyB; 30th October 2017 at 9:59 PM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:20 PM   #222
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Miss blue, congratulations on your pregnancy! The circumstances are far from ideal, but you have new life growing inside you now, the genesis of your child has begun. Pregnancy is one of the most beautiful (and difficult sometimes), spiritual and primal experiences a woman can have. For women who yearn to be a mother, it is a sacred time, and you don't know whether you'll ever get to experience it again. It is something to treasure and protect, as your pregnancy is dearly wanted.

One of the earlier posters asked if true love was experienced differently by men and women because nothing could be more powerful than true love for a man. IME, for people who want to be parents, the love for one's child easily over powers anything else. If I were ever in a survival situation and had to chose who would survive, like if I came home and my house was on fire and I had to choose who to rescue, my H or my son, I would chose my son without question. And I believe my H would chose my son over me, as I'd hope he would, if he were the one having to make that decision.

As a parent in general, and as a mom specifically, your priorities are going to change. Your child will come first in nearly all things. So based on the idea that you and the baby growing in your belly are priority, here are some thoughts from a stranger on the internet.

Sincerely, my heart breaks for your H. He is in an incredibly stressful time, as he faces losing you, and he has lost his other great support, his best friend. It sounds like he is triggering horribly. I think he is quite understandably upside down and sideways, in crisis. I agree with the other posters, I hope he can see a trusted counselor soon.

That said, he is a grown adult. I don't agree with any thought that you were manipulative towards him, or that you are to blame for the pregnancy. While I sympathize with the women who were not able to get sterilized, it is much easier for a man to get a vasectomy. My H got one when he was 22 years old. You told him when you went off birth control, you used condoms, you did your part. The onus is on the one who doesn't want to get pregnant and he failed that one by pulling off condoms repeatedly.

I am strongly pro-choice. I've accompanied women through picket lines at Planned Parenthood back when it was a thing for pro-lifers to harass women trying to get into the clinic. This is not a pro-choice or pro-life thought; it is a personal thought. It is clear that it would be a horrible mistake for you to get an abortion, even if your H asks you for it. The desire for a baby is so strong in you that you are willing to leave your otherwise happy marriage over it- it is an extremely strong and compelling desire. Go with it.

You don't know yet what your H will decide. Too much stress can affect your body and could risk your pregnancy- your pregnancy is new, miscarriages are common for the first few months. You've put forth options to your H, but he is spinning. He is not thinking straight in this time of crisis for him. You might need to take control for everyone's sake.

If you truly know that you want to keep the baby- and it is evident that you do want to keep the baby- then tell him that truth. You are keeping the baby. You are going to do everything you can to have a strong and healthy pregnancy and you are going to do all that you can to be a great Mom. Your H doesn't need to make any big decisions at this time, because you've made the biggest one.

Since your H is bouncing all over the place, I would recommend that you make some additional decisions. If it is better for you to stay in the home, tell him that you're staying in the house for at least the duration of the pregnancy and first few months, and he can stay and make his final decision in time. Take some of the pressure off him. You can help him find a place if he needs to go, but you need your home base.

That said, I would also start to research divorce laws in your state. If your H does not want to be a father, then you will not want him to be on the birth certificate- and in most cases, he will be on the birth certificate if you are married. Maybe have papers drawn up for an uncontested divorce and let him know they are there if he wants to pull that trigger. That might give him some security- or the opposite, you know him best. Even if he is on the birth certificate, you have the option of letting him walk and fade away if he wants to.

You can hear the anger and resentment from the posters who were unwanted by a parent. It is a horrible burden. It would be better to let him go if he decides that he doesn't want to be a parent. Let your child have the experience of being wanted and adored and loved, and tell him/her later that dad had his own issues that prevented him from being a father to him/her. It is the truth.

If your H decides to leave- or you decide to leave him- know that there is life out there and future romantic relationships. You see on these boards all the time people who survive horrific break-ups, affairs, abuse, and go on to find happiness with a different partner.

Like other posters, it's my hope that your H stays and tries parenting. He doesn't have to be like his dad. You might have to be strong and provide a lot of feedback, and hold strong boundaries, to help him, if he chooses to stay. Many people change their minds once they experience being a parent. My own H changed his mind after being a step-dad in his first marriage. He later became a biological dad when he was 38! It happens- but you won't know the outcome until it happens.

I hope your husband stays and finds that he loves being a parent! But even if he doesn't, I think you are going to love being a mom. I have a great marriage, and I'm so thankful for my H and our family! But knowing what I know now, I would never encourage a woman to give up motherhood for a man, or a man to give up fatherhood for a woman. We can have multiple adult loves in our lives, but there is nothing like a parent-child bond, for those who want it.
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:02 AM   #223
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Announcing the pregnancy and then 2 DAYS LATER, putting divorce on the table is a lot for a guy to handle. His issue may not be the child, but your threat of divorce.

Maybe you could have handled that a little differently.
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Old 31st October 2017, 7:39 AM   #224
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She started talking about splitting up due to her wish to be a mom well before the pregnancy- see the start of the thread.

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Announcing the pregnancy and then 2 DAYS LATER, putting divorce on the table is a lot for a guy to handle. His issue may not be the child, but your threat of divorce.

Maybe you could have handled that a little differently.
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:48 PM   #225
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To dismiss the reality of the situation and minimize his feelings is a pathway to resentment. The likelihood that he purposely inseminated you is high. The likelihood that he did this so he wouldnt lose you is high also. Did the threat of divorce right after the pregnancy affect your current situation? Of course it did. He is not having second thoughts on the child,(too late for that) he is having second thoughts on staying with you.

Some here may be surprised that Men have feelings.

Once again, if you want the best of both worlds, try to be be inclusive, understanding and strengthen the family. How you handle this right now, may be the difference between having 1 child or the 3 children with a intact loving family, that you wish for.


Congratulations and a sincere wish that this works out for the both of you.
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