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A Complicated Situation


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 25th September 2017, 5:54 AM   #16
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I have no idea how your kids will react to the news that you are dating the woman that caused their mother so much pain.
It may be OK, it may not.
But even if it isn't OK, then on a purely practical level, they will still live with their mother and be out of your life, so you will still be free to see this woman.

Frankly I am more worried about the OWs recently bereaved kids and how much they could complicate such an "ideal relationship", once they find out the real truth...
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Old 25th September 2017, 6:27 AM   #17
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I have no idea how your kids will react to the news that you are dating the woman that caused their mother so much pain.
It may be OK, it may not.
But even if it isn't OK, then on a purely practical level, they will still live with their mother and be out of your life, so you will still be free to see this woman.

Frankly I am more worried about the OWs recently bereaved kids and how much they could complicate such an "ideal relationship", once they find out the real truth...
The OW's kids are young adults (early 20's) and I have met both several times. They have been friendly and nothing but welcoming towards me. The OW's marriage was not always a happy one and it seems they are pleased to see their mother spending time with someone who makes her happy and spoils her a little. They do not know that I knew their mother before and they may not know (it will be up to their mother to tell them that or not).
If my ex tries to get to them to vent her fury.....I don't know what their reactions would be...but it could backfire on my ex.
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Old 25th September 2017, 6:30 AM   #18
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The OW's kids are young adults (early 20's) and I have met both several times. They have been friendly and nothing but welcoming towards me. The OW's marriage was not always a happy one and it seems they are pleased to see their mother spending time with someone who makes her happy and spoils her a little. They do not know that I knew their mother before and they may not know (it will be up to their mother to tell them that or not).
If my ex tries to get to them to vent her fury.....I don't know what their reactions would be...but it could backfire on my ex.
Is this the kind of fear you want to constantly be living in?
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Old 25th September 2017, 6:43 AM   #19
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Is this the kind of fear you want to constantly be living in?
Not at all, I'm not living in fear. They seem adult enough to make up their own minds and doubt whether or not they would get involved in communications with my ex, once they knew who she was.
My concerns are mainly causing additional hurt to my ex (and any subsequent fallout on social media etc) - I don't want to hurt her, we had some great times, but it's over and life is different now and I want to attempt a relationship with this other lady.
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Old 25th September 2017, 6:56 AM   #20
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Not at all, I'm not living in fear. They seem adult enough to make up their own minds and doubt whether or not they would get involved in communications with my ex, once they knew who she was.
My concerns are mainly causing additional hurt to my ex (and any subsequent fallout on social media etc) - I don't want to hurt her, we had some great times, but it's over and life is different now and I want to attempt a relationship with this other lady.
Question - does "everyone" know about your infidelity in your marriage? If she took to social media to put you on blast, would it be the first time people found out about it?
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Old 25th September 2017, 7:05 AM   #21
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Question - does "everyone" know about your infidelity in your marriage? If she took to social media to put you on blast, would it be the first time people found out about it?
I don't know who knows, or who remembers, or who really would care much about it. I don't know what she put on social media at the time.
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Old 25th September 2017, 7:09 AM   #22
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I don't know who knows, or who remembers, or who really would care much about it. I don't know what she put on social media at the time.
I'm wondering why you're so sure about the social media thing. Is she the type who would typically take to social media to share her personal problems? My ex cheated on me, but I would never put something like that on SM even if I'd tell people about it. I have fairly close friends who didn't even know we were divorced 3 or 4 years after the fact lol. I'm just not the type to use SM in that way. Is your ex a social media over-sharer?
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Old 25th September 2017, 7:17 AM   #23
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I'm wondering why you're so sure about the social media thing. Is she the type who would typically take to social media to share her personal problems? My ex cheated on me, but I would never put something like that on SM even if I'd tell people about it. I have fairly close friends who didn't even know we were divorced 3 or 4 years after the fact lol. I'm just not the type to use SM in that way. Is your ex a social media over-sharer?
SM is a big part of her life - she's constantly putting pics of her and the kids on there. She and her friends are the same and lots of personal info goes on there from the groceries being delivered late, to a local shoddy Plumber, to the local Greengrocer who shortchanged her on a bag of carrots - all named and shamed on SM :-)
She operates in the knee-jerk reaction mode - act now...think later !
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Old 25th September 2017, 7:50 AM   #24
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.
Due to the stresses of breaking up and some additional problems, that Lady and I also parted our ways around that time and I have been on my own ever since.
As this is going I guess to be a huge "event", cause drama and maybe even irreparable damage all round, then you need to think very carefully about what you are doing here.
Why did you split up before? What were the "additional" problems? Why didn't you make a go of it then? If you were so much in love why didn't she stick around once your marriage was in tatters?
YOU were then "free" and she chose to stay in an "unhappy" marriage, why?...

I know you are back in the heady affair fog and in the honeymoon period and you are no doubt desperate to be loved, but you need to start clearing your head and think rationally.
No point in blowing everything up if all this is, is a flash in the pan, she is a somewhat lonely widow, you are lonely too, but if all the old problems will just resurface eventually, then it may not be worth all the hassle.
Is this "love" or is she just using you to get over the loss of her husband?
Is this "love" or are you just stuck in a time warp trying to replay how things used to be or how they could have been...
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:01 AM   #25
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As this is going I guess to be a huge "event", cause drama and maybe even irreparable damage all round, then you need to think very carefully about what you are doing here.
Why did you split up before? What were the "additional" problems? Why didn't you make a go of it then? If you were so much in love why didn't she stick around once your marriage was in tatters?
YOU were then "free" and she chose to stay in an "unhappy" marriage, why?...

I know you are back in the heady affair fog and in the honeymoon period and you are no doubt desperate to be loved, but you need to start clearing your head and think rationally.
No point in blowing everything up if all this is, is a flash in the pan, she is a somewhat lonely widow, you are lonely too, but if all the old problems will just resurface eventually, then it may not be worth all the hassle.
Is this "love" or is she just using you to get over the loss of her husband?
Is this "love" or are you just stuck in a time warp trying to replay how things used to be or how they could have been...

It's not just as black and white as to say it didn't work. It was a very upsetting time for all (myself included) and there was a huge amount of emotion and stress in the air. I had financial difficulties, worries about my ex-wife's mental health, children's health and happiness and job security - some of these were relevant for the OW's life too.
Splitting from this OW made life easier in so many ways.

However it's the most 'in love' and connected I've ever felt in my life and I'm very happy we've met again. It's early days yet but I could see a bright future with this lady. In the intervening years, some of the issues mentioned above are resolved and all the children seem settled with their parent's position for now, so the biggest issue is with my ex.
No contact is not really an option due to the kids, but I can certainly go reduced contact.
You're right and if it was just a casual fling there would be no point in causing turmoil, but there is the possibility of a bright future with a wonderful lady......
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Old 26th September 2017, 11:23 PM   #26
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Got one idea. It's only been a few mths. Keep it to yourselves until12mths or so at least. You don't even know if it's gonna work out so why rock the apple cart or risk putting more on your kids , they will end up in the middle of your ex's rampage and hearing all about it which is too much.
l've seen it happen, just sad.
Give yourselves 12mths , if things are still solid ,the kids are older , ex is further along, maybe then do something.
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Old 26th September 2017, 11:25 PM   #27
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Hi Brain, after reading through your thread all I can say is you made your bed and now you've got to lie on it. None of the folks on here know your back story for what it really was. You have mentioned that your marriage was in the doldrums for quite a while before you split. What you have'nt told us is whether you made all out efforts to resolve whatever problems there were in the marriage. IC and MC come to mind. You have said that your ex wife probably still loves you. Did you love her or were you just looking for a way out of your marriage?

Something about your story makes me believe that the fault for the break up of your marriage lies squarely on your shoulders. You sound like an escapist and when shove comes to push, your relationship with your new lady will become a millstone round your neck and you will be looking for an escape from this relationship too. If you consider your self a man then tighten your belt, take the plunge and face whatever consequences come your way. Else stop whining and making excuses for your own faults and actions. Wish you the best.
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Old 26th September 2017, 11:31 PM   #28
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l was seeing my gf 18mths before l let it out to ex, l just thought it was best especially for my daughter yet we were talking marriage and all.

The fkr was we split up anyway a few mths after that.

Last edited by Chilli; 26th September 2017 at 11:33 PM..
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Old 26th September 2017, 11:35 PM   #29
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You made a huge mistake by getting into an affair without sorting out your marriage first. But you are divorced now, and your romantic life is none of your ex-wife's business, as long as your relationship is not causing any harm to your kids. I think your wife can always hold you hostage emotionally, as long as you are afraid of her. I would sit her down and talk calmly to her, apologize for hurting her when you were still married, but explain clearly to her that your romantic life is your own business only. Try to encourage her to start dating other men, instead of wasting her life living in the past.
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Old 27th September 2017, 3:07 AM   #30
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The risk is that he knows her well so he's probably right and if her carry on effects him and he's kids , only a dad going through this knows what that's can do..
You need this stuff working as best you can , for your kids and for him but it only takes one angry parent to wreck their lives, seen it too often.

Last edited by Chilli; 27th September 2017 at 3:10 AM..
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