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It Just Doesn't Make Sense (Separated After Baby)


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 18th September 2017, 8:09 AM   #1
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It Just Doesn't Make Sense (Separated After Baby)

My wife was on maternity leave for 3 full months after the birth of our child last year. She was on leave for 90 days because she saved additional time up to use from work. In January, she had to go back to a job she doesn't not like at all (at all..), had to start leaving him at daycare (being without him all day), and she also turned 30.

At this time she started becoming contemptuous and was annoyed/frustrated with me in early March. She did sit me down and tell me that she wasn't happy and listed reasons, one of which was that I didn't play with our son enough. I definitely didn't agree, and walked away from it telling her I want her to be happy and can improve.

I began doing anything and everything I could to try and make her feel better about things I was doing/not doing. She continued to get more frustrated and saddened until she did not talk to me in the morning and did not kiss me goodbye. She stopped messaging me during the day at work.

In April, one Saturday, I asked her why she didn't say I love you back. "I don't think I should say things back I don't mean." "It honestly just brings up bad feelings," she said. I then asked for counseling and we went. There she said she felt abandoned and like a single mother. It was a very clear message from her. After a tough third session, we stayed apart the night and she came back the next day saying this "May just not work out...that we're not compatible..." I begged and she stayed. One month went by and she took me for a walk to tell me she thinks we should separate. I disagreed and begged and assumed we were getting a divorce (overreacting on my part... she has NEVER said divorce). We "made up" and August came around. She told me that she was unhappy and asked me to leave the house.

I would not have left if he house were in my name. This was a new house she decided she wanted to renovate and start over in. She came home the day after she first mentioned separation with the idea of buying this place from her parents and us moving.

This time, I wasn't happy and told her. I did move out. She said she was unhappy and needed to get away from the situation (me). She said Of the house that "I really was hoping it would be a distraction." I moved most of our stuff and fixed up things around the house that is for sell now. She asked to separate after everything was out.

I asked her several times over 2 weeks what his is that we're doing, and she agreed this was a trial separation. We created a schedule for our son, split some assetts, and I moved out. I believe this could be post partum anxiety/depression, regular depression... something.

She lives in social media and has 40 different "Mommy" groups that she talks about me in. I've run across a few of them accidentally on my Facebook when those groups weren't blocked in my feed. The way she talks and acts this past year tells me that, she doesn't feel love me and respect for me. She has had anger that has faded, but it's still there.

We see each other and even shared a laugh the other day about our first small argument during separation. She said about the separation that people do get back together, that I can't find our relationship on google. She has never said the word divorce or said anything about a lawyer. There isn't another person. I do believe that. I do believe that she doesn't want to divorce. She hasn't touched paperwork or asked me for safe deposit keys. She has been nothing but friendly to me and cordial as one can be since we separated. She looks angry at times, sad at times, very confident when I pick our son up or drop him off. I am no longer begging, but trying to move forward and take care kid myself for the future, whether it be with her or not. I do want to ask her back to counseling. I do want to ask her things that would give me clarity on what she is feeling.

This doesn't make sense. I think she is overwhelmed and I am getting the bad end here. Her family said they are "Not disowning me" and offered to help me move. They are comfortable around me the few times we are in the same place. My wife will talk about everything except us and the situation. She doesn't communicate what she needs or wants, or what bothers her, not very well at all.

It's as though she doesn't need space and time to sort out her feelings. I normally would push back and rationalize. I told her this last weekend, that I am sorry for not listing the first time she wanted to separate. Told her that she does have a right to her feelings. I agreed this might help things. Since then, she's lightened up a BIT and is comfortable,was tentious.

Has anyone gone through this before? I am willing to wait for my wife and child. I want my family, though there are things that need to happen (counseling, etc) if we were to reconcile.

Keeping-Faith
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Old 18th September 2017, 9:00 AM   #2
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Keeping, I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I will tell you that it really sounds like your wife is done. Most of the time, women, once they acknowledge to their SO that they want a separation, they're much farther along in ending the relationship than what men realize. This is why we men always try the "pick me dance" begging and pleading to get things back on track.

That being said, my suggestion is to put a timeline on this dance. You don't necessarily need to announce it to everyone but don't let her keep you in limbo too long unless she is very open as to what is happening with her and is willing to get some help. I agree it does sound like postpartum depression but, I'm not a doctor so maybe you ask her to be examined.

You don't talk much about the relationship before baby came so that might help others weigh in. I wouldn't eliminate a third party but hopefully that's not the case here....
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Old 18th September 2017, 11:02 AM   #3
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Hi Keeping can you give us a bit of a background about your relationship? How long have you known each other, how long did you date and how long have you been married? Due to your emotional upheaval you have not been very clear as to what the problem in your marriage has been. Does your wife consider you to be the source of the problem? If so has she specified the nature of the problem or the areas where you are falling short? Prior to conceiving what was your relationship like? Was it already on a downswing or was it just coasting along?

How have you been as a husband? Have you been attentive, caring and helpful around the house or are you the TV and beer type of guy who comes home from work and settles in front of the TV with a beer? You made a mention of your wife accusing you of being uncaring. Was there an element of truth to that. Marital problems do not occur in circumstances which are quite happy. If there was discord already present in the relationship then the birth of a child is likely to aggravate matters. You would have to give a more detailed picture of things if you want useful advice and opinions. One other thing I wanted yo ask was have you brought up the question of divorce with your wife on a one to one basis? If so what has been her response? If you have'nt brought it up why don't you ask her if she wants one and if she says no then ask her what she expects of your relationship. Warm wishes.
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Last edited by Just a Guy; 18th September 2017 at 11:07 AM..
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Old 18th September 2017, 11:19 AM   #4
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And,, you're sure there isn't another man in there somewhere? Maybe in her thoughts.....? Have you ever cheated on her in the past?
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:23 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kgcolonel View Post
Keeping, I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I will tell you that it really sounds like your wife is done. Most of the time, women, once they acknowledge to their SO that they want a separation, they're much farther along in ending the relationship than what men realize. This is why we men always try the "pick me dance" begging and pleading to get things back on track.

That being said, my suggestion is to put a timeline on this dance. You don't necessarily need to announce it to everyone but don't let her keep you in limbo too long unless she is very open as to what is happening with her and is willing to get some help. I agree it does sound like postpartum depression but, I'm not a doctor so maybe you ask her to be examined.

You don't talk much about the relationship before baby came so that might help others weigh in. I wouldn't eliminate a third party but hopefully that's not the case here....
yeah but you see , this is basically saying she has the IQ of a gold fish then.
it only takes 9 mths to have a baby , but she did it anyway.
Yet it's somehow his fault.If this genius knew she was so done so far back then she shouldn't have gotten preg,

And l fully agree , don't let a person like this keep you in limbo ,call her out and make her explain her idiocy that is at the expense of a tiny and innocent human being and your family.
And , she can also explain it to your child in years to come.

Last edited by Chilli; 22nd September 2017 at 6:30 AM..
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Old 22nd September 2017, 8:00 AM   #6
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And just an apology to OP ,l know my post sounds harsh but it's also reality., heard it all before,
My ex let us go and buy a 200k house only to bail 12mths in and destroy everything we'd worked for and my daughters family.
People told me this bs to that she must've been done for a long time.
Well yknow , that's just dandy ex , thanks for the brain fart, yaknow.
Could've told me and our daughter that before we blew everything we'd ever worked for on a house that was going to be our family home forever only to have to sell 6mths later and lose everything including my daughters family .

Good luck op and l hope you can save your family from her mess.

Last edited by Chilli; 22nd September 2017 at 8:07 AM..
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