How do you deal with pursuing a divorce that's not mutual?

[wantstoescape]

Thanks for your input.

 

We got married very young, engaged after only dating for 6 months. We've made it work though and have built a life for ourselves, including 2 beautiful young kids. Our relationship has always been different but it's all I've known.

 

Let's get the sex stuff out of the way. She has never been into sex or physical contact and also always had no desire to work on it or change it. We've had may talks about it. She's not attracted to me (never have been?), and generally is repulsed by my body which has always been deeply hurtful. We married as virgins, so this had been all I'd known up to this past year. It contributed to very low confidence and self-esteem issues from the rejection and body-shame. She also doesn’t like any physical contact including cuddling, sitting close, kissing, it makes her very uncomfortable and I've respected her boundaries but the constant rejection hurt. Masturbation was out of the question as something she'd allow with the conservative background, so I mostly coped with the frustration and hurt by thinking about hobbies.

But she does like living with me, we're good friends and always have been. She likes co-habitating and appearances of our picture perfect marriage but when it comes to emotional or physical connection, she just doesn't need it like me.

 

Over the last couples years we made a big move and we've settled our lives, and my job has changed from shift work to normal schedule. I've also been getting progressively lonelier, with less distractions in a new town and less local family and friends for us to escape to, the gap between us and our compatibility just seemed to get more and more obvious. Last year I developed some health issues from the stress of realizing I hadn't been happy. I had always assumed I was happy and had a good life – and I was and I did.

 

She had a very hard time hearing that I was struggling in our marriage and blamed it on my concussion from last year, or that my relationships with God must need work. She's very religious, black and white, judgemental, and closed minded, I understand her but it's one of the big things that sets us apart. Conversations where I tried to share often turned into preaching from her. We're extremely different people and it was really hard to help her see what's been going on internally when all she sees from the outside is our happy picture-perfect family life. Her entire identity is in us and our marriage and in the last few years the kids and she's never wanted to or had a reason to dig deeper than the surface of things. At first she didn't see our marriage to be having problems. I've started counselling and encouraged her to go too. She tried a session and said the counsellor said she didn't have to be there so she hasn't tried again. We tried couples counselling but I don't think the counsellor was a good fit. We may try another.

 

I was very lonely for a long time. Eventually I built up a friendship with a woman that later turned into an affair. I still and probably always will feel terrible about it. But I fell deeply in love, and she taught me how to be proud of my body, she took the time to listen to me and learn about me and ask about me, and it was such a relief to be around someone so similar that loved and believed in me. I tell the friend I'm a better man for having met her, and I appreciate what she's done for me. Although my wife and I had been having these difficult conversations for months, and I had told her I wanted out of the marriage, I also told my wife about the affair in April, and me and the woman cut all contact which broke my heart and put me at a rock bottom this summer. As you can imagine it didn't go well with my wife. But I was desperate to end things in the marriage while my wife desperately was trying harder to "save" it. Recently me and the friend picked up contact again and I told my wife about that too. I see how much it's hurting her though, and the friend, so I am cutting ties until my marriage is over.

 

Since the affair, the wife's been unable to focus on any other issues in our marriage. We had been making progress towards her independence before I had told her. But now it comes back to the affair and herself feeling inadequate which is not my intention at all. She seems to meltdown any time she asks about the affair and I answer honestly. I want to be honest with her and I'm sorry for the affair and I never meant to hurt her by it. But it's done and I can't take it back. And our issues have been going on for years before this affair. Maybe since the beginning.

 

I feel guilt a lot about the kids, and the kids well being. She seems to think I'm destroying their lives, which I don't necessarily agree with. She's also worried that she may have to work again, but she wouldn't for years, we've saved enough for her to continue being a SAHM until they're both in school. My wife's also very concerned about appearance and how this is affecting the family's (rightfully so). She's also worried about divorce in the church and whether she'd ever be allowed to remarry.

I feel intensely guilty for the affair, and I know that will always haunt us both. I want to hold on until I can show her that even without any contact with the woman, and risk losing the friend altogether, I still think separation is best.

 

I've always been her rock and been able to be exactly what she's needed and say exactly what she wants to hear. Now she wants me to say that I can and will stay with her but I can't lie to her. And it's been torture watching how much that hurts her. Despite me being honest about my intentions to leave and wanting to leave, she seems to just hold on tighter. She still seems to believe that this is another one of those things we'll work through. But the difference is, this time I don't want it. I've dealt with years and years of rejection, an incompatible relationship, and general naivety.

 

I stay right now because I worry about her. She doesn't understand she would be okay without me. She doesn't seem to understand When I was out of town of work last week she barely got out of bed and seemed to stop functioning, even as a mother. It scares me to see someone I care so deeply about hurt so deeply because of me. And it makes me worry more and more about leaving her, and how that would affect her ability to take care of the kids even with shared custody. I worry about what she'd say to my kids, how they would perceive me. My wife cries very loudly and my daughter has seen this a couple times.

 

When and how is the best way to leave this marriage so that we can start to heal and grow on our own and find our own identities and focus on being good parents separate. How do I help her accept the new reality despite the affair, and build a good life without being married to me so I'm free to pursue my own happiness and she can find hers.

 

tl;dr: Married very young, had 14 faithful years without intimacy. Life settled I noticed the incompatibilities more and more and now feel the need to build a life and identity for myself and want the same for her. She wants to stay married, and maybe because of my guilt from a recent love affair I can't leave her when she's in this state.

[PegNosePete]

There is never a best time to leave. The longer you stay, the more you give your wife hope that you'll change your mind.

 

If you're 100% decided on leaving then you should do it ASAP. In the long run it's kindest to your wife rather than leaving her in limbo.

 

It's not your responsibility to help her accept anything. You just have to do what you need to do. It's up to her to deal with it.

[S2B]

You fill out papers and have them filed.

 

You have your wife served.

 

I hope you get counseling so you learn how to deal with being lonely without cheating.

[KityGlitr]

You organise somewhere else to live, tell your wife you're moving out and serve papers. You're clearly done with the marriage, and the longer you leave it the harder it'll be. Nobody thinks they can cope with the pain of a break up but the vast majority of people do. For her it might even help her to find her own identity outside of being a wife and a mother in an unhappy marriage. You will be happier without her and she will learn to cope. In the nicest way possible, ire not down to you to help her cope or wait until she's on board. You're entitled to end the marriage after so long working at it. You'll both be fine.

[Southern Sun]

Gently - look what happened when you KNEW you were miserable and yet you kept hanging on to a dead marriage? You had an affair and you put your wife into searing pain. Consider how much better off you would have been if you had pulled the plug before going there.

 

The same applies now. You have both feet out the door. File for divorce before more damage is done. It is the most loving thing you can do at this point.

[maxi105]

it sounds like you are in a difficult place and have been for some time now! the replies on the whole are offering good advice, so if you can take what you can from them I think you will have a good start to keep the momentum.

 

remember, small steps at a time and you'll get there.

 

yes, sure you've made mistakes because I suspect you wanted to be honest and open, but temptation from neglect and incompatibility took over and you saw things from a different perspective. however once you tasted something that sounded a more suitable kind of loving exchange (however wrong) it opened your eyes up to the fact your relationship wasn't enough.

 

having said that though, I must say, telling your partner you had reconnected to talk to the other person was not the smartest thing if you were only talking, but I can understand why you would have done that, but the probable truth is that you also have got something special with that person, so from what you say, it sounds as though they are not done somehow in your life!!!! are they married or with someone?

 

of course you have to deal with your immediate relationship first, but it is something in the future to maybe bear in mind once you are single and happy with who you are again.

 

there is a lot of unhappiness here and I think it will be for both of you, but as the writer here you are clearly wanting and wanted to do something about this and have been going through years of rejection and emotional loneliness. 14 years without intimacy! that must surely be a major a reason why you mustn't stay any longer in this sham!

 

life is too short for this sort of unsatisfying relationship, love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, happy, secure and LOVED! staying another 6 months, 3 years another 40 years in order to try to do the right thing won't change anything. you will become more depressed the other person more angry when you both could be with people that make you feel special, whole and wanted: don't you want that for yourself anymore? if you do then you have to act and carry though what professional advice and counselling, trusted friends and supportive family can help you with to get through.

 

music is a great healer, so is getting out in green places, laughter etc; you know the things that feed your creative mind.

 

it's not surprising that you are finding things tough after being the only ones each other has explored in life along with the way things have gone.

 

this isn't healthy for you anymore and that is the bottom line, you can't be honest with this person, you are communicating in different ways, you've had long term loneliness and now this person is clinging on to you because you want to leave, it doesn't sound like they love you even (not in the real sense), but more that they cant bear the thought of anyone else loving you and so it's easier for them whilst they have the power to manipulate you because you are a giving person with a more open and possibly educated (more mature way of thinking).

 

I think you know in your heart that it's time to go, it's been fun I'm sure at times but it's not healthy anymore for either of you. if your partner won't let you go? then you get professional advice, work things thorough practically and slowly with the professionals so you don't make similar mistakes and allow for more undermining and manipulation, you find out about or visit specialized groups to talk/read about others in your position (locally or out of town if you don't want to speculation from others in your social circle).

 

Solicitors, Citizens Advice, Samaritans, Divorce Groups etc can all help and give confidential advice that might release some of your worries and concerns at the moment.

 

you're not the first to be in this situation, and I'll bet anyone that leaves a relationship where they were not happy long term will feel relief and probably wishing that they had done so years ago!

 

my advice is don't waste any more time trying to think and care about someone who you think may not cope if they are more like a casual friend that can't even support you or listen to you anymore.

 

take time out to get all the advice and support you can, plan whets best, and then when you eventually go and its all sorted, treat yourself to things that will make you feel good and start doing the things that make you you and the things you've forsaken to make something work that I don't believe can work anymore.

 

your mistakes are done now, so there is no point in beating yourself up or letting your partner verbally keep bringing it up to knock you down. it's time to look and plan for the future. you tried to talk and they are too immature to listen, but they will understand when you are gone for good! and are leading a much happier life around people you connect with and have a better chance of loving and they will love you back.

 

Christmas is not far off, and whether you celebrate it or not, you know what I mean by saying that, the season generally (whatever faith you are, if you believe or are spiritual in anyway) is generally a time of joy, letting your hair down and if that is not possible, then at least looking towards a NEW YEAR!!!!

 

things will settle down, and what you struggle with will eventually make you both stronger.

 

you haven't let anyone down despite what has gone on before as you've tried to fix things several times by what you've said, however, you will be letting yourself down now if you let this situation go on and on in this unhappy, unfulfilled state.

 

some people you can't talk to that sad, but some people are so absorbed they can't let go or acknowledge their mistakes, but in a relationship it matters so much, and if you can't talk then you are never going to really have an equal part in being with the other person in the way that you need and is emotionally healthy.

 

if you can take a break for a while with a good trusted friend then do it, or if not then take time out to see family etc, just take a breather from all of this, you will be able to deal with things on a more calm fresher perspective; whilst also maybe having a bit of fun doing small things or having a few treats thrown in to please yourself and relax and find yourself again I think you will begin to see who you are and start to take small steps to regain your old life back before things turned bad.

 

the longer this goes on you are BOTH chipping away at the children's idea of what genuine love and respect are!!!!

 

finally, I'm going to give you a bit of controversial advice, and it's up to you whether you want to take it or run a mile from it if you are not ready for this or feel it will add more scandal to the mix, but,

 

I think you should talk to the friend who understands you and that you had the affair with, NOT to continue to see each other regularly and desire each other, but to be around someone for a short spell who you can talk to.

 

you are an adult, you don't need permission to talk to another adult! so if you can just meet once and talk about your problems I think strangely it could help you get some perspective on what happiness is and what a loving respect is and give you a chance to explain how things have been for you and to discuss your part in what happened and why. if at a later date you feel you want this person as a proper friend or more then you will know you have someone who at least understands a part of you that you need to connect with once you are in a better happier place.

 

your self esteem must be pretty low and all I am saying is that someone like this person may be able to give you a temperamental boost that you need.

 

if you slept with this person then maybe meeting them isn't the best way, so maybe if you could write to them and get them to give you their thoughts on paper, however if you are nervous about this then maybe meeting for a one final of chat might help you before you start to move on.

 

I know this isn't the done thing and it could put petrol on an already raging fire, but from what I am reading here, your relationship is already dead, it just needs to be buried now if you are to restore you mental health and happiness.

 

you can't always chose the people you connect with, and I think the affair was a wakeup call to tell you what relationships can be like with the right people.

 

sometimes the things we shouldn't do are not always the most dangerous or harmful, provided we go into them with our eyes open and can set clear bounderies so everyone knows where they stand.

 

it's a long reply and I am aware that I may get people on my back for suggesting what I have done, but it is just another idea. you know the situation and people involved so you'll know and you alone if what I am saying is no good.

 

if you can trust yourself to talk to this person without wanting to rip their clothes off!!!! then it might be a one of short term communication aid that will help you get a bit of self esteem and perspective back about what values you have as an individual. just don't open you heart to your partner about meeting them otherwise you'll have more drama on your hands; the point of the meeting is to talk and get things off your chest, not to keep the arguments going and the guilt going for the next 3 years.

 

I'm sure once you feel good about yourself, you hopefully will be able to reach out to more appropriate people and maybe do more active things to find proper happiness again.

 

good luck. it's not convention I know, but that doesn't mean that it isn't worth thinking about. you don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, especially from a stranger like me looking at your problem on line!!!!

 

but I'm sure we all wish you well with this one, it doesn't sound a good place to be, but if you are serious in wanting to find happiness, then I'm sure you will make the changes you need to now to find what you are really looking for!

 

take care maxi