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Absolutely Unbelievable


simonsays010115

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simonsays010115

3 years married. I'm not going to lie, I developed a drug addiction after years of prescriptions for back issues and migraine headaches. Stealing from friends and family, lying, missing work. Been there. So after nearly a year sober, her father must have decided he had had enough of me, or maybe she had and wanted to [have sex with] some other dude. I don't know for sure.

 

Point is, her father and step sister created some false story that I had stolen from them after my sober period and then proceeded to set me up, put drugs right in my path just HOPING that I would do something about it. Anyone who has dealt with addiction knows that this is simply NOT something you do to a recovering addict. Without making any admissions, let's just say I was weak that day. I was confronted. Told the truth.

 

Was forced to leave my father in law's house. Eight hours later, my wife comes home and says she wants a divorce. Next day, she asks me to leave the house so that our 2 year old son can sleep in his own bed, as she had stayed at her mother's house because she didn't want to stay in our house with me. I comply because I love my son, and she proceeds to change the locks on the house and keeps me out for the next 5 days while she packs up whatever [stuff] she wants and moves out. I tried to contact my landlord, who is her best friend, to inform her that this is illegal, and the landlord went straight to my wife, leading my wife to confront me and state that if i made any wrong moves, she and her father would have me arrested and sent to jail for the next 20 years. I have no record, so that wasn't a threat that was informed at all, but still, I really wasn't interested in having legal issues at all so i complied.

 

She then tells me that she won't deal with me directly and insists that my sister, who loves my son dearly, handle drop offs and pick ups of my son. When I finally decided that this was inappropriate because I saw the toll it was taking on my sister, I insisted on handling the exchanges myself. She texted me after my first attempt at this and said that having to see me and talk to me was unacceptable and that she would have to figure something else out. Next thing I know, she keeps my son from me for 13 days and I find out that she and her family have filed a police report against me for theft.

 

I hire a lawyer for both custody/divorce and criminal and am able to get a temporary order in place to allow me to see my son after two weeks. Shortly thereafter, we go to court for the custody conference and her lawyer suggests a 50/50 split in custody after all of the facts of the situation are laid upon the table. Long and short, if i were convicted, the most I would be looking at would be probation and then my record would be expunged. We agreed to 50/50 and I thought that was it.

 

Day of my hearing, she and her family find out that I'm looking at taking a deal that would leave me with minimal consequences, and they proceed to change their story, bringing up theft accusations that referred to things that I had allegedly done while in the midst of my addiction. These were things that had come out with the assumption that it was a safe space. Wow did that come back to bite me in the ass. So the charges were changed and they attempted to make something else come out of it in terms of consequences for me, but I was offered the same deal and that PISSED THEM OFF.

 

So my lawyer had the state cop (who had already said she wanted this to be as simple as possible because there was a child involved. My lawyer said that the officer was now our best friend and was very frustrated about the way my wife and her family were handling the situation) ask if there was anything else that they had to report. They said no and again we thought everything was going to be wrapped up in a neat little bow.

Again, wrong!

 

At the next hearing, they said that they were ACTIVELY seeking out others who may have allegedly been victimized by me during my addiction. They had the officer contact a former mutual friend of my wife and I, and I'm still not sure if anything is going to come of that. Also, her god-mother started making false claims that I had stolen from her as well.

My lawyer put a stop to that fairly quickly, writing her a letter demanding that she cease spreading false accusations or be subject to a defamation suit.

Throughout all of this, my wife claims to have been doing it all because it is what is best for my son. Bull. I realize that I allegedly may have done things wrong. And I haven't tried to run away from that. But using a past that is just that against me, leaving me after promising that if a relapse or other issue occurred, we would handle it together, and then fabricating stories in order to take my son from me, she is obviously interested in nothing but revenge and her selfish need for retribution.

Oh, and most recently, she has finally filed for divorce and is pushing for me to pay her counsel fees as well. This on top of a huge child support payment every month.

 

There's more, but I had to get all of this out. I see some of the other issues people have had here and I get the feeling maybe I'll get a little sympathy and understanding.

 

I'm at the end of my rope. My job is on the line. I'm not sure what her end game is, but if i lose my job, then not only does she not get support from me, she would actually have to pay ME support as a result.

She's stupid. And absolutely unruly []. I seethe daily.

Thanks for listening.

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somanymistakes

I know you're angry and you probably don't want to hear that your wife has a right to her feelings as well, but you gotta lay off the swear-words (and I am boggled that the site doesn't filter that!!)

 

Dealing with addiction issues is hard. But even here, you're not giving the impression that you're the most reliable guy who never, ever did anything wrong. You're very vague about these "issues" that came out in a "safe space" and frankly we don't need to know the details, you probably shouldn't tell us, you don't want to admit to anything ELSE that might get you in more legal trouble if it gets found out about.

 

But you've got drug issues and implied minor criminal issues, and you're still probably coming out of this with 50/50. Yes, you will have to pay child support if you're the higher earner, that's the consequence of having a kid.

 

Imagine it wasn't your wife and it wasn't you, yourself, the guy you believe in. Imagine you saw a lady in here crying hysterically because her no-good criminal druggie husband was still getting joint custody. The picture might look a little different that way. Now, of course, you are NOT no good, but that may be how she sees you at the moment while she's being emotional and under those circumstances of course she's going to be a little fighty.

 

Her opinion of you doesn't really matter any more, you're breaking up. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to look after yourself and your child. Try not to waste mental energy on her, and ESPECIALLY try not to spend too much time thinking about how angry you are with her, because that may leak out in bad ways and cause problems for you. Swearing at a judge about how much of a @*&%^ your ex is will not go down well.

 

I mean, yelling and ranting and venting at us is a lot better than doing it in real life where a judge might here you so if you really NEED to scream go ahead, but only if it helps you get it out of your system.

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Most substance abuses believe they should immediately be able to resume their lives once sober. Society requires you to rebuild your life, it is not handed to you. You need to get yourself squared away before worrying about raising a child.

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I have some sympathy for you OP. Getting over an addiction is hard work and you should be proud of your progress. Divorce and custody battles are hell so I'm sorry that it seems like your ex and her family are out for a pound of your flesh and are doing everything in their power to get it. I'm also sorry that you have been seperated from your son. That must be very painful for you.

 

Now all that being said the first thing that stood out to me in your post was the line about how you gave in to the temptation to use again recently and you blame your wife's father because he put the drugs in your path. If your father in law did that then it was a crappy thing for him to do but ultimately your sobriety is your responsibility. You cannot blame your decisions on other people. If you are not yet able to resist temptation when drugs are right in your path then you still have a ways to go and your wife has reason to be concerned for your son's safety and well-being. I'm a mom and I know I would be greatly concerned if I was in your wife's position. I wouldn't give a damn what the circumstances were, the only thing that would matter to me is that you are still weak and still capable of using drugs.

 

Relapses are common and even somewhat understandable. They do happen sometimes so I'm not beating you up for that. However you have to realize that all decisions have consequences. One of those consequences may be that your spouse leaves you. Having been with an alcoholic I can tell you that dealing with someone else's addiction is no walk in the park. Sure your wife said at one point that she would stick by you and she may have really meant it at the time.

 

Often times the spouse of an addict is so focused on the addict and the drama and chaos that the addict causes that they lose touch with their own inner self. The relationship centres around whatever the addict is doing and whatever drama is happening. When the addict finally gets sober and the drama roller coaster stops, the spouse suddenly becomes overwhelmed with all the feelings they were shoving down. They feel all the anger, hurt and resentment that has built up over the course of dealing with an addiction, yet they still feel like they can't express themselves or be supported by their addict spouse because now it's all about supporting their spouses recovery and sobriety. It's still all about the addict. At this point it doesn't take much to put the spouse over the edge. They have drained themselves and they have no more to give. It's not uncommon for relationships to end within the first year of recovery. Your recent relapse was the straw that broke the camels back and your wife is not a bad person for walking away.

 

Just stay focussed on your recovery. The early stages of divorce are always painful and emotionally draining. If you love yourself and your son you won't let this crisis derail you. It's going to take a long time for your ex to forgive you and find you trustworthy. That's part of her recovery and it's something you can't control. Let her deal with her stuff while you deal with your stuff. Stay the course and earn people's respect and trust.

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As a spouse of an addict, I have a hard time being sympathetic. You have to understand that your addiction didn't just affect you, it affected her too. Yes, what her family has done is WRONG but it doesn't excuse your behavior at all. Addiction is a b***h. Keep taking it one day at a time and move forward. You can always modify custody later. Focus on staying sober.

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Go to work. Stay sober. Do the right thing each and every day!!!

 

As time goes by you will see that trust has been earned if you stay sober (completely unaltered).

 

Stay strong. As almost ten years sober - I can tell you if/when you do what is right LONG term, things change for the better.

 

 

Ps if there's a court order you still pay even if unemployed...unless you change the order. Besides, why would you intend to stop paying for your child to live/survive? Do what is right.

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How is your sobriety going? I’m so sorry, I watched my dad battle sobriety on a day to day basis, it was brutal at times, but he didn’t have the legal and emotional turmoil you have to deal with as well! Stay strong, lean on your support group, and grow stronger with each step! You need to be there for your son, more than ever now…as you see the true colors of your in laws and ex. Push back, don’t be railroaded by the system and having your mistakes used against you. The strength of character and self-awareness needed to battle addiction every day is a positive attribute and should be exploited – along with your employment etc. Don’t just take it, be strong in all aspects of your life, this included! Go to your sponsor, your church, other community resources, do your research, get the help you need to fight this fight…start a ‘gofundme’ or some other crowdfunding outlet to assist you in your legal battle and make her pay your legal fees if she continues to press the issue. Seriously, this does not sound like it will end well and she has the backing of her parents etc. and unless you’re hiding some money under your mattress, this isn’t going to be cheap. I wish I could take this away, be strong and don’t give up on your son or yourself, you’re both important and the joys of raising a child are indescribable (another challenge, but worth it!).

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